Posts by Alexander Scott79

just two older Asian rhinos hanging out at the zoo...

It just keeps spinning its wheels without ever dropping anything fresh, instead of actually recording something...

Anyone down to just chat for a bit?
Man, I'm in my early 40s and honestly feeling a little low lately because of some stuff going on...
Just looking for some digital company, strictly typing here, nothing else at all...

Man, my ribs are killing me...

Maybe you’re just overthinking things too much? It might be that you aren't acting totally natural or spontaneous, so people could be picking up on some weird vibe and feeling a little awkward... and honestly, it could just be the smallest, most trivial things...
Being upfront with people is great and all, but there's such a fine line between being honest and just being blunt, especially since women tend to pick up on those emotional cues way more intensely than guys do.

crimsonharbor72 said:I’ve been trying to make an effort to socialize lately, but honestly? I just can’t. It’s becoming physically nauseating. Don’t get me wrong, the people I’m with are perfectly fine, and they’re genuinely sympathetic toward my situation, but I find myself completely repulsed by the triviality of their conversations. Is it really a crisis when someone complains about having a limited budget for designer shoes, yet they’re dying to buy a specific pair? They play the victim over such nonsense, and then—to top it all off—they actually have the audacity to ask for my advice on which pair to choose. In those moments, I feel like I might just snap.

Lately, I’ve even found myself feeling a bitter sense of envy toward my own friends. They possess this effortless luck in life, a sort of abundance they seem to take entirely for granted. I find it impossible to listen to. And how can I stomach hearing someone disrespect their mother, when I lost mine in such a devastating way?
Generally speaking, whenever I’m grabbing coffee with someone or visiting a friend, the sheer substance of their chatter gets under my skin. It’s infuriating. There are moments where a dark, intrusive thought crosses my mind—just imagining how much relief it would bring if I could simply silence them once and for all.

Now, don't misunderstand me; it isn't as if I spend my entire existence idling in bed or being lazy. I can be perfectly productive and handle whatever responsibilities come my way, provided I don't have to interact with anyone. And since avoiding human contact is nearly impossible, things get difficult. Most people are a nuisance to me, with the exception of perhaps two or three who truly resonate with my temperament. Engaging with everyone else feels like an exhausting chore. Keeping up a conversation is equally draining, especially when it veers into those tiresome emotional spirals—you know, the "how am I ever going to survive this?" or "my boyfriend left me, and he was such an arrogant jerk anyway" type of drama.

The dilemma is compounded by my deep-seated aversion to psychologists. I have my own very valid reasons for that, and besides, there is absolutely no chance I would ever feel comfortable opening up to a complete stranger.

Don't force it, seriously... if big crowds aren't your vibe, don't push yourself. Just don't go totally hermit mode either, maybe just grab coffee with one person here and there... finding those small connections helps keep your head in a good place...
It’s not all about the massive outings

crimsonharbor72 said:I’ve been trying to make an effort to socialize lately, but honestly? I just can’t. It’s becoming physically nauseating. Don’t get me wrong, the people I’m with are perfectly fine, and they’re genuinely sympathetic toward my situation, but I find myself completely repulsed by the triviality of their conversations. Is it really a crisis when someone complains about having a limited budget for designer shoes, yet they’re dying to buy a specific pair? They play the victim over such nonsense, and then—to top it all off—they actually have the audacity to ask for my advice on which pair to choose. In those moments, I feel like I might just snap.

Lately, I’ve even found myself feeling a bitter sense of envy toward my own friends. They possess this effortless luck in life, a sort of abundance they seem to take entirely for granted. I find it impossible to listen to. And how can I stomach hearing someone disrespect their mother, when I lost mine in such a devastating way?
Generally speaking, whenever I’m grabbing coffee with someone or visiting a friend, the sheer substance of their chatter gets under my skin. It’s infuriating. There are moments where a dark, intrusive thought crosses my mind—just imagining how much relief it would bring if I could simply silence them once and for all.

Now, don't misunderstand me; it isn't as if I spend my entire existence idling in bed or being lazy. I can be perfectly productive and handle whatever responsibilities come my way, provided I don't have to interact with anyone. And since avoiding human contact is nearly impossible, things get difficult. Most people are a nuisance to me, with the exception of perhaps two or three who truly resonate with my temperament. Engaging with everyone else feels like an exhausting chore. Keeping up a conversation is equally draining, especially when it veers into those tiresome emotional spirals—you know, the "how am I ever going to survive this?" or "my boyfriend left me, and he was such an arrogant jerk anyway" type of drama.

The dilemma is compounded by my deep-seated aversion to psychologists. I have my own very valid reasons for that, and besides, there is absolutely no chance I would ever feel comfortable opening up to a complete stranger.

I totally get that, since I'm not really a huge fan of therapists myself, and definitely not psychiatrists... but hey, if things don't start looking up after a while and you feel like you're sinking, maybe it's worth considering... there are some decent ones out there...

Just take it slow and start with the little things... try to focus on stuff that actually makes you happy and feels fulfilling... and maybe try not to spend *all* your time spiraling into deep thoughts about life and why we're even here... some things are just the way they are, and there's nothing you can do to change them...

crimsonharbor72 said:I honestly don't know how to live or function like a "normal" person anymore. It isn't that I lack the desire to try; it’s simply that I find myself unable to...

Ever since I was about six or seven years old, I have been navigating one traumatic event after another—there was almost never a reprieve.
Until I was eleven, I was going through things that I didn't even realize at the time would leave such a lasting, negative mark on my psyche. By fifteen, I was struggling to fight my own battles alone, and that was when I truly began to sink. That was when the suicidal ideation started. Fortunately, I never acted on it; the furthest I ever went was scratching myself until I bled or hitting my head against a wall—or using my fists against my legs with everything I had—whenever I felt too "full," as if I desperately needed to purge that internal rage somewhere. During ages sixteen, seventeen, and eighteen, things grew darker, though there were fleeting moments of hope where I felt I might finally be turning a corner.
Then came my twentieth year. For once, I felt like I was finally finding my footing. I could actually say, for the first time in what felt like an eternity, that I was genuinely, truly happy. And then, everything collapsed because of a series of events that followed.
I won't dwell on the details here, as I have no desire to reopen that particular wound on a public forum, but I will simply say it involved death—the kind of loss involving circumstances that most people will never have to face in their entire lives.

After all of that, I just can't go on like this.
It isn't that I want to die; it's that I have no appetite for living. I have no drive to do anything, no urge to step outside or socialize. I would much rather remain in total isolation, which, if I'm being honest, feels like the best option right now. I have endured a lifetime's worth of hardships that most people couldn't imagine in their worst nightmares. I feel utterly depleted, exhausted, and I see no point in trying to "fix" myself when I am under the constant impression that something else catastrophic is just waiting around the corner. That seems to be the pattern of my life.

I don't think I fit the typical definition of depression, because I can still get out of bed, clean my apartment, and handle my responsibilities when they need doing—mostly because I actually value myself. But it's as if I've lost all affection for 99% of the population. I have zero interest in leaving my home, so why bother? I have no patience for small talk or listening to people complain about trivialities, like a mid-term exam at a state university, especially considering the scale of the things I have survived. To me, those aren't problems. I don't even want to run into acquaintances on the street and exchange pleasantries. I just want to exist without any human interaction, save for perhaps two or three specific people.

I don't want to end my life, because I shouldn't. There are a few people in this world who haven't earned that kind of grief, and I refuse to inflict that level of pain on them, knowing firsthand exactly how devastating it is. If my circumstances were different, perhaps I would be giving more serious thought to it.

What I want to know is: how does one move forward? How does one force themselves back into the "normal" world and function properly? Because for me, the motivation isn't there. I can't do it. In fact, I recoil from the very idea.
In a perfect world, I would simply disappear into some remote forest far away from civilization and live out the rest of my days in silence...

Just take it one tiny step at a time. Don't worry about big plans or stressing over where you'll be in five, ten, or fifteen years...
Just finish that one exam. Keep your place clean like you always do. Plan a little outing. Read a book. Find those little things that make you smile and just soak them in. And above all, try to spend time with people; try to avoid those moments where you're just sitting alone spiraling about the past, the future, or the meaning of life. You don't have to love everyone you hang out with, it's enough to just accept them for who they are...
Since you love yourself and you know there are people out there who truly care about you, that's already such a huge reason to stay positive...