Can't get close enough

"Forty is a tough age: you're still young enough to have desires, but old enough to realize how hard they are to fulfill."

I still find myself wanting female friends, even though I've never quite managed to build a truly close bond with another woman in my life.

I just don't get it. I meet people through various hobbies, mutual friends, or at work... and then, after a few casual coffees, they just start freezing me out. Some do it openly; others are more subtle about it.

Some women go as far as harboring such resentment that they spread ridiculous rumors about me behind my back.

Is it possible that I’m offending these women without even realizing it? Am I doing something that drives them away? Or perhaps I'm failing to do something expected of me that I simply haven't picked up on? I enter every relationship with total sincerity—open heart, no hidden agendas.

I have a daughter, and this whole situation feels even more depressing because of her. She has a mother without any girlfriends... it's sad. How am I supposed to teach her social skills when I can't even find the opportunity to practice them myself?

Communicating with men has never been an issue for me. I have great guy friends; their company is easy and enjoyable.

I was never particularly physically attractive, so could that be part of it? I've always noticed that best friends tend to look somewhat similar. Maybe that's why I never found my "tribe"?

I suppose we all have someone we feel the need to pick on. Then there are those specific types of people who seem to actively crave provocation, almost begging for someone to push their buttons. Perhaps you happen to be one of them.
If someone is unattractive, lacks intelligence, or just feels fundamentally incomplete—all while maintaining that tiresome "open heart" persona—it immediately brings certain archetypes to mind. It’s a predictable pattern, I guess.
I’m honestly not sure what can be done about it. Maybe the only real solution is to follow that old adage: it’s probably better to be feared than to be loved.

Patrick Williams8 said:"Forty is a tough age: you're still young enough to have desires, but old enough to realize how hard they are to fulfill."

I still find myself wanting female friends, even though I've never quite managed to build a truly close bond with another woman in my life.

I just don't get it. I meet people through various hobbies, mutual friends, or at work... and then, after a few casual coffees, they just start freezing me out. Some do it openly; others are more subtle about it.

Some women go as far as harboring such resentment that they spread ridiculous rumors about me behind my back.

Is it possible that I’m offending these women without even realizing it? Am I doing something that drives them away? Or perhaps I'm failing to do something expected of me that I simply haven't picked up on? I enter every relationship with total sincerity—open heart, no hidden agendas.

I have a daughter, and this whole situation feels even more depressing because of her. She has a mother without any girlfriends... it's sad. How am I supposed to teach her social skills when I can't even find the opportunity to practice them myself?

Communicating with men has never been an issue for me. I have great guy friends; their company is easy and enjoyable.

I was never particularly physically attractive, so could that be part of it? I've always noticed that best friends tend to look somewhat similar. Maybe that's why I never found my "tribe"?

I feel much the same way. I have acquaintances, sure, but there isn't a single one I could actually rely on.
I tend to blame my mother for it; we never really had a functional relationship.☕

Laura Jones56 said:I suppose we all have someone we feel the need to pick on. Then there are those specific types of people who seem to actively crave provocation, almost begging for someone to push their buttons. Perhaps you happen to be one of them.
If someone is unattractive, lacks intelligence, or just feels fundamentally incomplete—all while maintaining that tiresome "open heart" persona—it immediately brings certain archetypes to mind. It’s a predictable pattern, I guess.
I’m honestly not sure what can be done about it. Maybe the only real solution is to follow that old adage: it’s probably better to be feared than to be loved.

Why does anyone feel the need to pick on someone else? Is it some kind of ego boost? Does it make them feel more secure?
Nobody goes out of their way to provoke me. It’s more that whenever I try to join in, people start giving me the cold shoulder... they don't want me around... they even get irritated... as if I've somehow forced my way into the group against everyone's will...

Patrick Williams8 said:Why does anyone feel the need to pick on someone else? Is it some kind of ego boost? Does it make them feel more secure?
Nobody goes out of their way to provoke me. It’s more that whenever I try to join in, people start giving me the cold shoulder... they don't want me around... they even get irritated... as if I've somehow forced my way into the group against everyone's will...

The thing—if you can even call it a thing—is hierarchy?

ironrider11 said:The thing—if you can even call it a thing—is hierarchy?

And here I was, thinking we were actually Homo sapiens.
I think you might be missing the point entirely... I don't have an issue with it in that specific sense; nobody's ever mistreated me.

Patrick Williams8 said:Why does anyone feel the need to pick on someone else? Is it some kind of ego boost? Does it make them feel more secure?
Nobody goes out of their way to provoke me. It’s more that whenever I try to join in, people start giving me the cold shoulder... they don't want me around... they even get irritated... as if I've somehow forced my way into the group against everyone's will...

Perhaps it’s simply the thrill of dominating someone else's emotions, using that power to assert superiority and solidify one's standing in the social hierarchy. Ha.
It is also entirely possible that you just keep running into women who aren't compatible with you. I mean, it happens—it's like a guy winning the Powerball two weeks in a row. It's statistically unlikely, sure, but still possible. So, I guess you just keep looking. 🤷

I’m running into the same issues the author mentioned.

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Probably after a while, people start getting bugged by something about you, right? Like maybe you're trying to get closer to them than they actually want or need you to be?

Maybe you’re just overthinking things too much? It might be that you aren't acting totally natural or spontaneous, so people could be picking up on some weird vibe and feeling a little awkward... and honestly, it could just be the smallest, most trivial things...
Being upfront with people is great and all, but there's such a fine line between being honest and just being blunt, especially since women tend to pick up on those emotional cues way more intensely than guys do.

I’ve always been somewhat off-putting, though I can’t quite put my finger on why. My contact list is huge—maybe over 200 names from past and present jobs—but it’s strictly business. Not a single one of those connections ever crossed the line into anything personal. Whether I was doing a good job or a bad one, people just didn't gravitate toward me. It’s clear I have this repellent quality, but honestly, I’ve never gone chasing after deep friendships either. I don't have enemies, and I don't have any regrets, but I don't have friends, either. I just haven't been successful at it. In group settings, I’ve always been the one in the background. People always seemed bothered by something about me, even if they never said it out loud. To be fair, I didn't always click with them, either. Even when I grab a drink with someone after work, the conversation inevitably circles right back to the office.

I’d argue—and look, I know this might not sit right with everyone or be easy to wrap your head around—but the truth is we’re all essentially radiating some kind of energy field around ourselves, a sort of personal aura that you build up through your own thoughts and how you carry yourself in the world.

There is actually a massive amount of literature out there if you want to dive deep into the subject matter.

Patrick Williams8 said:And here I was, thinking we were actually Homo sapiens.
I think you might be missing the point entirely... I don't have an issue with it in that specific sense; nobody's ever mistreated me.

Looking up at some massive "human" giant, maybe you'd get a momentary burst of optimism thinking everyone else could be just as big. But then you realize most people had their growth stunted way too early on—statistically speaking, most of them just got stuck. That doesn't mean they aren't technically the same species as those rare giants, though. You can still look up to them, find inspiration, or get swept up in what they do... or notice how small they actually are and how little room they have left to grow. There’s abuse, and then there’s different kinds of abuse. And maybe even more versions of that. Whether someone is a giant or just slightly bigger than average, if being "big enough" means bullying the smaller ones or just barely outgrowing the rest... are they even growing?...

Patrick Williams8 said:"Forty is a tough age: you're still young enough to have desires, but old enough to realize how hard they are to fulfill."

I still find myself wanting female friends, even though I've never quite managed to build a truly close bond with another woman in my life.

I just don't get it. I meet people through various hobbies, mutual friends, or at work... and then, after a few casual coffees, they just start freezing me out. Some do it openly; others are more subtle about it.

Some women go as far as harboring such resentment that they spread ridiculous rumors about me behind my back.

Is it possible that I’m offending these women without even realizing it? Am I doing something that drives them away? Or perhaps I'm failing to do something expected of me that I simply haven't picked up on? I enter every relationship with total sincerity—open heart, no hidden agendas.

I have a daughter, and this whole situation feels even more depressing because of her. She has a mother without any girlfriends... it's sad. How am I supposed to teach her social skills when I can't even find the opportunity to practice them myself?

Communicating with men has never been an issue for me. I have great guy friends; their company is easy and enjoyable.

I was never particularly physically attractive, so could that be part of it? I've always noticed that best friends tend to look somewhat similar. Maybe that's why I never found my "tribe"?

It might be that you're trying to build friendships with the wrong crowd—people you admire or view as role models, but who simply aren't compatible with your actual personality.
What's your criteria when picking female friends? While similarities matter, at this stage of adulthood, physical appearance isn't the key; what really counts is having a similar temperament, shared values, and matching character.

A woman with zero friends? That’s a massive red flag.

If you’re constantly attacking people—judging them, criticizing everything, or making everyone the butt of your jokes—you’ll quickly find yourself standing alone because, frankly, nobody is ever going to be "good enough" for you.

It’s quite a process... a really long one if you ask me.

Honestly, you have no idea how lucky you are. I get such a massive headache dealing with people's stupidity. I can't stand being tied down, and I can't stand getting close to anyone. Being close means opening up and sharing everything about yourself, and then what? Someone takes all your business and spreads it around. No thanks.☕ better off alone☕

redpilot37 said:Honestly, you have no idea how lucky you are. I get such a massive headache dealing with people's stupidity. I can't stand being tied down, and I can't stand getting close to anyone. Being close means opening up and sharing everything about yourself, and then what? Someone takes all your business and spreads it around. No thanks.☕ better off alone☕

Exactly.
What kind of friends? People are so two-faced and nasty these days that looking for friendship isn't even worth the effort. Why bother having someone you tell everything to (unless it's your sibling or a parent)...?
People have always been this way, but nowadays it's just reached a breaking point.
Otherwise, you just have acquaintances you grab a coffee with occasionally, but true friends—people you share your problems, fears, and goals with while listening to theirs... what's the point? It feels totally unnecessary in life.
Just get a dog or a cat... you won't find any better friends than them. 👍

👍

George Long6 said:Exactly.
What kind of friends? People are so two-faced and nasty these days that looking for friendship isn't even worth the effort. Why bother having someone you tell everything to (unless it's your sibling or a parent)...?
People have always been this way, but nowadays it's just reached a breaking point.
Otherwise, you just have acquaintances you grab a coffee with occasionally, but true friends—people you share your problems, fears, and goals with while listening to theirs... what's the point? It feels totally unnecessary in life.
Just get a dog or a cat... you won't find any better friends than them. 👍

👍👍If you have just one genuine friend—which, personally, is more than enough for my own emotional well-being—then I sign my name to everything the previous poster said!

George Long6 said:Exactly.
What kind of friends? People are so two-faced and nasty these days that looking for friendship isn't even worth the effort. Why bother having someone you tell everything to (unless it's your sibling or a parent)...?
People have always been this way, but nowadays it's just reached a breaking point.
Otherwise, you just have acquaintances you grab a coffee with occasionally, but true friends—people you share your problems, fears, and goals with while listening to theirs... what's the point? It feels totally unnecessary in life.
Just get a dog or a cat... you won't find any better friends than them. 👍

Nonsense. I don't know what kind of crowd you hang out with, but there are still good people out there. Real friends exist. People who actually have your back instead of talking trash behind it.