Posts by wanderingotter53

Carl Rivera43 said:But waiting isn't the answer. That might actually make things worse. You know how it goes? You start sweeping those little issues under the rug, and before you know it, they've grown into massive problems you won't even notice until they hit you later.

Why not just dive into what you actually love? Try to find those hidden talents you haven't even tapped into yet. You probably have them! They just need a little time to really surface and become clear.

I’ve got my own specific tastes and... let's just call them little fetishes. I was actually thinking about heading out into nature—maybe hit some of the nearby hills on my bike for a ride. But then I started overthinking it: what if I get flattened by a bulldozer mid-ride? 🤦 Wherever I go, I’m never actually traveling alone.

wanderingangler13 said:Look, my advice to you is to just focus on finishing that degree out of state while simultaneously hunting for ways to gain some independence. It’s going to be an uphill battle and it won't happen overnight, but if you're actually serious about cutting ties with them, you can make it work. Also, you might find that book *Toxic Parents* pretty eye-opening.👍

You're absolutely right. I’m on the exact same page as you. Honestly, if only I could find a way to shorten this cycle, even just a little bit.

Donna White50 said:Look, wanderingotter53, in your family, you’ve basically been cast as the scapegoat.
Everyone uses you to vent their frustrations. You aren't seen as smart—just "clueless"—and if you actually say something that makes sense, they just claim you're being "philosophical." You're the easiest person to take things out on, and if you dare to push back, you get sent to your room. You're blamed for most people's mistakes, too. You're blamed for existing, for not being the perfect student, for not being pretty enough, smart enough, or for having a brain and an opinion instead of just shutting up and listening to people who are supposedly smarter than you...

People unconsciously fall into these roles because of the weight of authority figures—parents, siblings, whoever. That explains why you're so quick to wave the white flag; you know exactly what your role is, and you've realized it's easier to let everyone else act like they're the smart ones while you just stay quiet and take it...

In families where parents are psychologically fragile, they tend to look for the easiest way to deal with life's problems. They try to dump their incompetence, failures, anger, frustration, and irresponsibility onto someone else just to lighten their own load. They need someone to "shoot" at so they can handle their own issues more easily. See, you're just the punching bag. You absorb every kind of hit and just stay silent. In your family, the roles are set in stone, and you can't just change them. If you rebel, it comes at a cost—suddenly you're the ungrateful, disrespectful jerk who doesn't appreciate everything their parents do.
Your fate in this role is to swallow everything and suffer. Just look at how much anger you've bottled up from others—and from yourself—that you can't even let out. You swallow it, but swallowing it leads to frustration and rage, which eventually turns into depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, fear of being independent, an inability to make your own choices, and even self-directed masochism.

You can change this situation by getting out of that toxic environment and setting firm boundaries with your parents. But to do that, you need your own income and a solid sense of self. It's a process. Since you're at a major crossroads in life right now, I really want you to think hard about how much longer you can carry this weight. Is it worth finishing college before leaving, or should you just get out now?
Your parents are who they are. The roles were assigned a long time ago. You might be able to change your role, but changing their actual nature is a different story...😢

Do they love you? In their world, probably. But honestly, I wouldn't wish that kind of love on anyone. You'll always be the one to blame for your own life decisions, and that's a burden you'll carry forever. Realize that some people just function in a broken way. Just like you can't be friends or grab coffee with every single person you meet, you can't always have love in your family or reach a healthy level of connection. The sooner you realize this, the better. If you don't, you're going to struggle big time in life.

Donna White50 said:Look, wanderingotter53, in your family, you’ve basically been cast as the scapegoat.
Everyone uses you to vent their frustrations. You aren't seen as smart—just "clueless"—and if you actually say something that makes sense, they just claim you're being "philosophical." You're the easiest person to take things out on, and if you dare to push back, you get sent to your room. You're blamed for most people's mistakes, too. You're blamed for existing, for not being the perfect student, for not being pretty enough, smart enough, or for having a brain and an opinion instead of just shutting up and listening to people who are supposedly smarter than you...

People unconsciously fall into these roles because of the weight of authority figures—parents, siblings, whoever. That explains why you're so quick to wave the white flag; you know exactly what your role is, and you've realized it's easier to let everyone else act like they're the smart ones while you just stay quiet and take it...

In families where parents are psychologically fragile, they tend to look for the easiest way to deal with life's problems. They try to dump their incompetence, failures, anger, frustration, and irresponsibility onto someone else just to lighten their own load. They need someone to "shoot" at so they can handle their own issues more easily. See, you're just the punching bag. You absorb every kind of hit and just stay silent. In your family, the roles are set in stone, and you can't just change them. If you rebel, it comes at a cost—suddenly you're the ungrateful, disrespectful jerk who doesn't appreciate everything their parents do.
Your fate in this role is to swallow everything and suffer. Just look at how much anger you've bottled up from others—and from yourself—that you can't even let out. You swallow it, but swallowing it leads to frustration and rage, which eventually turns into depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, fear of being independent, an inability to make your own choices, and even self-directed masochism.

You can change this situation by getting out of that toxic environment and setting firm boundaries with your parents. But to do that, you need your own income and a solid sense of self. It's a process. Since you're at a major crossroads in life right now, I really want you to think hard about how much longer you can carry this weight. Is it worth finishing college before leaving, or should you just get out now?
Your parents are who they are. The roles were assigned a long time ago. You might be able to change your role, but changing their actual nature is a different story...😢

Do they love you? In their world, probably. But honestly, I wouldn't wish that kind of love on anyone. You'll always be the one to blame for your own life decisions, and that's a burden you'll carry forever. Realize that some people just function in a broken way. Just like you can't be friends or grab coffee with every single person you meet, you can't always have love in your family or reach a healthy level of connection. The sooner you realize this, the better. If you don't, you're going to struggle big time in life.

Exactly, more or less. To be totally blunt, I love my family and they love me right back. It’s just that this constant feeling of being kept on a leash is driving me crazy. I’m not independent yet, and honestly, if I tried to strike out on my own right now, I’d probably crash and burn because I just don't have the life skills down. Once we move, they’re planning on helping me land some part-time student gig, which I'm actually pretty stoked about—finally having some cash in my pocket that I earned myself. The truth is, I’ve got a bit of a temper, and I’ve already played out all sorts of scenarios in my head (God forgive me, it's a sin) involving things I would never actually say out loud. But lately, I can't help but feel—forgive me again—that saying them might actually be fair. Ideally, I wouldn't have to go that route; I'd rather just sit them down and have a rational conversation about how things are going. But whenever I’ve tried to get serious, nobody takes me seriously. Hopefully, though, they'll finally listen sooner or later.

neonmason86 said:I can only tell you this: either show some teeth, or you're going to spend the rest of your life playing drag Katalenić—just sitting there, staying quiet, nodding politely, and avoiding any kind of confrontation.

I actually tried that once, and man, it was brutal. It was all "to hell with this, who cares where you go to college, you ungrateful little brat..." stuff. I ended up retreating to my room and basically lived there. When I did come out, I’d just wander around the yard, trying my best to avoid talking to the people in charge. I’d only pop up when it was absolutely necessary to handle basic chores, like "hey, grab this" or "go do that." It felt incredibly humiliating, honestly, and pretty terrifying too.

Maybe all we can really do is wait...

neonmason86 Asks:
Who exactly is doing the threatening, parents?
Since you’re heading off to study abroad, you'll finally be getting some distance from them—so I guess that pretty much solves half the problem right there!

I'm not going anywhere! I was just getting back to wanderingangler13 with my response.

neonmason86 said:Who exactly are you threatening, kid?
Since you're heading off to college out of state, you'll be getting away from them, which solves half the problem.
The real issue is that you still don't have an opinion of your own, nor do you actually speak up.
Work on yourself. Reflect on things, on different situations. Push yourself to voice your thoughts in a group, even if they happen to be unpopular.

It’s not like I’m incapable of forming an opinion—believe me, I have plenty. It’s just that I can't exactly voice them in front of the higher-ups. It isn't that they tell me, "Hey, don't say what you think," quite so bluntly; it’s more about reading between the lines of how they respond. You pick up on the vibe, and that's enough to know where you stand.

wanderingangler13 said:I get where you're coming from if you grew up under a thumb—you know, being strictly controlled or even getting mocked when you didn't fall in line. But honestly, don't make it out to be this massive tragedy. It's a trait that can definitely be unlearned. Once you head off to college somewhere else and start living on your own, you’ll probably shake it off naturally. You'll have to make your own calls, negotiate with people, and handle things yourself. It happens.

And I'm jumping in too!

wanderingangler13 said:I get where you're coming from if you grew up under a thumb—you know, being strictly controlled or even getting mocked when you didn't fall in line. But honestly, don't make it out to be this massive tragedy. It's a trait that can definitely be unlearned. Once you head off to college somewhere else and start living on your own, you’ll probably shake it off naturally. You'll have to make your own calls, negotiate with people, and handle things yourself. It happens.

Just so we’re clear, I’ve probably only been in a scrap maybe five times in my life. Though, honestly, if I weren't being so careful about staying out of character and stopped playing Dudek, I might have ended up in one just now. But I don't need that kind of drama.

wanderingangler13 said:I get where you're coming from if you grew up under a thumb—you know, being strictly controlled or even getting mocked when you didn't fall in line. But honestly, don't make it out to be this massive tragedy. It's a trait that can definitely be unlearned. Once you head off to college somewhere else and start living on your own, you’ll probably shake it off naturally. You'll have to make your own calls, negotiate with people, and handle things yourself. It happens.

Oh man, we actually have family living out there, and my folks just landed jobs too!

Carl Rivera43 said:Ah, well, it seems like working on being more relaxed might be a good idea.

See, if you could just chill out more during conversations, the discussions might actually head toward more interesting topics. And by doing that, it might become easier—maybe even motivating—for you to actually show off all that knowledge you have.

Memorizing definitions word-for-word? Yeah, that's tough, especially when it feels like you're just guessing half the time. It isn't easy.

So, yeah, it's hard. But hey, even something like writing a long post here on the forum can be great practice for those real-life situations that might otherwise make your brain freeze up.

What do you think? It’s not like I’m being tense or anything—whatever the word is for that!🤔

Carl Rivera43 said:Ah, well, it seems like working on being more relaxed might be a good idea.

See, if you could just chill out more during conversations, the discussions might actually head toward more interesting topics. And by doing that, it might become easier—maybe even motivating—for you to actually show off all that knowledge you have.

Memorizing definitions word-for-word? Yeah, that's tough, especially when it feels like you're just guessing half the time. It isn't easy.

So, yeah, it's hard. But hey, even something like writing a long post here on the forum can be great practice for those real-life situations that might otherwise make your brain freeze up.

Every time I’ve tried to actually sit down and have a real conversation with adults, it always ends up the exact same way. They basically act like I don't know anything and decide that I should just shut up and listen—even when I actually *do* know what I'm talking about!
I remember catching this segment on TV about how Japanese people apparently have an obsession with dolphins, and the commentators were absolutely losing it—just swearing and bashing them for hunting them. It got me thinking: look, we kill animals all the time just to put food on the table, it’s just that we don't have those specific animals around here, so we feel justified. Who are we to sit there and lecture anyone else about what they can or can't do? I actually tried to chime in and ask that question during the broadcast, but the response was basically just a repeat of the same judgmental rant I'd already heard. I figured, why bother? I just said "fair enough" and kept my mouth shut.

Carl Rivera43 said:Ah, well, it seems like working on being more relaxed might be a good idea.

See, if you could just chill out more during conversations, the discussions might actually head toward more interesting topics. And by doing that, it might become easier—maybe even motivating—for you to actually show off all that knowledge you have.

Memorizing definitions word-for-word? Yeah, that's tough, especially when it feels like you're just guessing half the time. It isn't easy.

So, yeah, it's hard. But hey, even something like writing a long post here on the forum can be great practice for those real-life situations that might otherwise make your brain freeze up.

Look, I’m finally seeing just how flawed that whole concept actually was, but honestly? I never gave it a second thought before. I just accepted it—just like everything else I was told. That was the entire point of my education, after all. My teachers, my professors, even my own family back home, they all sang its praises. Back then, nobody called it "rote memorization" like I am now. They used much loftier terms: "learning," "knowledge," "diligence," or being "smart." People used to congratulate me whenever I "knew" something, but the truth is, the only thing I ever truly "knew" was exactly what was printed in my textbooks. In the real world? I didn't know a single thing beyond what I had been spoon-fed.

Carl Rivera43 said:Ah, well, it seems like working on being more relaxed might be a good idea.

See, if you could just chill out more during conversations, the discussions might actually head toward more interesting topics. And by doing that, it might become easier—maybe even motivating—for you to actually show off all that knowledge you have.

Memorizing definitions word-for-word? Yeah, that's tough, especially when it feels like you're just guessing half the time. It isn't easy.

So, yeah, it's hard. But hey, even something like writing a long post here on the forum can be great practice for those real-life situations that might otherwise make your brain freeze up.

Look, I don't plan on playing Dudek for the rest of my life, but honestly? I’m feeling pretty desperate right now. I really wanted to get some outside perspectives on how things might be able to change—even just a little bit—while I'm still stuck in this position.

wanderingangler13 said:Honestly, maybe you'll actually get further in life that way....

But couldn't you get there without all that?

Carl Rivera43 said:But wait, what humiliations are we talking about here? And besides that, you say a child "needs to know"? First off, why would they need to know? And second, why would that lead to being humiliated?

Is your family maybe a bit too closed off? Do you guys tend to generalize things way more than necessary?

Screaming, swearing, insults—it was all there. There were even threats of being slapped, though none of them actually landed. Honestly, I managed to play Dudek so perfectly in that moment that even the real Dudek probably couldn't have topped my performance.
It’s been a few years now since I’ve dealt with anyone coming at me with those heavy verbal lashings. To be honest, that’s mostly because I’ve changed. I’m quieter now, more low-key, and honestly, a lot more humble than I used to be. I go out of my way to avoid almost every conversation these days, sticking only to the absolute essentials. I don't even try to engage in debates anymore—I’ve realized it’s just better if I don't. So, for now, I just let people yell and curse all they want while I stay out of the line of fire.

Carl Rivera43 said:But wait, what humiliations are we talking about here? And besides that, you say a child "needs to know"? First off, why would they need to know? And second, why would that lead to being humiliated?

Is your family maybe a bit too closed off? Do you guys tend to generalize things way more than necessary?

Look, man, here’s the deal: does a kid really need to be lectured on stuff like borders? I mean, how old am I, four? You wouldn't discipline me like some toddler who just learned how to wipe his own butt. If we’re going to argue over the most trivial, mindless topics imaginable, then honestly, I've got nothing left to say. Nobody takes me seriously anyway.

Carl Rivera43 said:But wait, what humiliations are we talking about here? And besides that, you say a child "needs to know"? First off, why would they need to know? And second, why would that lead to being humiliated?

Is your family maybe a bit too closed off? Do you guys tend to generalize things way more than necessary?

Look, I’m not one to butt in when the grown-ups are talking, but honestly? They have this annoying habit of making me feel like I should just shut my mouth and stay quiet.
Here’s a perfect example, something really basic: I remember driving in the car once, and we were all just chatting about the mountain ranges here in the States. I had this sudden thought—like, "Hey, I could actually contribute to this conversation because I know my stuff"—and that feeling came from how I was raised. Growing up, I was taught that the only thing that mattered was school and constant studying. The logic was simple: the more you cram, the better your grades, and the better your grades, the more valuable you are as a person. So, I tried to apply exactly what I learned in geography class. I started dropping terms like, "Well, that’s a hill, that’s a mountain, and that over there is a forest range," because I had memorized those exact definitions word-for-word from my textbook. I wasn't just guessing; I was using the literal facts I’d been drilled on! And then, out of nowhere, people started shouting at me and being incredibly rude. It made zero sense. I was literally doing exactly what I was told to do in school—learning the material and knowing the facts—so why was I getting attacked for it? Honestly, I still don't get it.
I felt absolutely humiliated and disgraced, and there wasn't a single thing I could do to stop it.

Carl Rivera43 said:Why would you have to? What are you afraid of? I mean, honestly, I used to be pretty much the same way when it came to speaking my mind, but I've started changing things lately.

So, yeah. Just try standing your ground a little bit. Keep it polite and reasonable, though. Maybe then things will start looking up.

Look, kids need to learn boundaries. They need to know what's acceptable and when it's time to just be quiet. Otherwise, they just end up dealing with all sorts of humiliation.

Carl Rivera43 said:Why would you have to? What are you afraid of? I mean, honestly, I used to be pretty much the same way when it came to speaking my mind, but I've started changing things lately.

So, yeah. Just try standing your ground a little bit. Keep it polite and reasonable, though. Maybe then things will start looking up.

It’s not that I haven't tried being "polite" and "reasonable." I've been as humble as an ascetic monk or a devoted servant, basically speaking with the voice of wanderingotter53. Let me tell you, it was a total nightmare—I dealt with all kinds of insults and threats. At this point, there isn't much left to say...

Carl Rivera43 said:Man, oh man, that honestly sounds pretty rough... I think sometimes this happens because of old habits formed when you weren't quite able to stand up for yourself in certain situations.

Just try to work toward better ways of thinking, one step at a time. Once you find people who actually have your back, I really believe things will start looking up for you.

I wish it were that simple. Look, I'm 18—not some loser, actually, I'll be heading off to study abroad soon—but it’s not like I can just fight for my rights here. The adults make all the calls. When someone tells me to "shut it," I have to shut it. Besides, I don't talk much; I only speak up when I actually feel like I have something meaningful to say. But according to the people in charge, that’s not how it works. More often than not, I don't even get to finish a thought before I'm silenced. So, I just take it, stay polite, and walk away—acting humble, just like playing Dudek.

I’m not entirely sure if this topic actually fits in this specific section of the forum—I posted the exact same thing over on the US boards and ended up getting locked.

Basically, I feel like such a nobody that my voice doesn't even matter. I'm just out here playing Dudek, staying humble and keeping my head down so I don't end up being a target or dealing with any unnecessary friction. I don't really bother having an opinion; I just listen to whatever I'm told because that's what I'm supposed to do. Even when the conversation is strictly about me, I'm not allowed to say a single word or react in any way. I just have to sit there, listen to instructions, and act submissive so I don't trigger anyone's anger by daring to think for myself or voicing a thought. What can even be done about a situation like this?