How do I stop being a pushover and actually get heard?

I’m not entirely sure if this topic actually fits in this specific section of the forum—I posted the exact same thing over on the US boards and ended up getting locked.

Basically, I feel like such a nobody that my voice doesn't even matter. I'm just out here playing Dudek, staying humble and keeping my head down so I don't end up being a target or dealing with any unnecessary friction. I don't really bother having an opinion; I just listen to whatever I'm told because that's what I'm supposed to do. Even when the conversation is strictly about me, I'm not allowed to say a single word or react in any way. I just have to sit there, listen to instructions, and act submissive so I don't trigger anyone's anger by daring to think for myself or voicing a thought. What can even be done about a situation like this?

wanderingotter53 said:I’m not entirely sure if this topic actually fits in this specific section of the forum—I posted the exact same thing over on the US boards and ended up getting locked.

Basically, I feel like such a nobody that my voice doesn't even matter. I'm just out here playing Dudek, staying humble and keeping my head down so I don't end up being a target or dealing with any unnecessary friction. I don't really bother having an opinion; I just listen to whatever I'm told because that's what I'm supposed to do. Even when the conversation is strictly about me, I'm not allowed to say a single word or react in any way. I just have to sit there, listen to instructions, and act submissive so I don't trigger anyone's anger by daring to think for myself or voicing a thought. What can even be done about a situation like this?

Man, oh man, that honestly sounds pretty rough... I think sometimes this happens because of old habits formed when you weren't quite able to stand up for yourself in certain situations.

Just try to work toward better ways of thinking, one step at a time. Once you find people who actually have your back, I really believe things will start looking up for you.

Carl Rivera43 said:Man, oh man, that honestly sounds pretty rough... I think sometimes this happens because of old habits formed when you weren't quite able to stand up for yourself in certain situations.

Just try to work toward better ways of thinking, one step at a time. Once you find people who actually have your back, I really believe things will start looking up for you.

I wish it were that simple. Look, I'm 18—not some loser, actually, I'll be heading off to study abroad soon—but it’s not like I can just fight for my rights here. The adults make all the calls. When someone tells me to "shut it," I have to shut it. Besides, I don't talk much; I only speak up when I actually feel like I have something meaningful to say. But according to the people in charge, that’s not how it works. More often than not, I don't even get to finish a thought before I'm silenced. So, I just take it, stay polite, and walk away—acting humble, just like playing Dudek.

wanderingotter53 said:I wish it were that simple. Look, I'm 18—not some loser, actually, I'll be heading off to study abroad soon—but it’s not like I can just fight for my rights here. The adults make all the calls. When someone tells me to "shut it," I have to shut it. Besides, I don't talk much; I only speak up when I actually feel like I have something meaningful to say. But according to the people in charge, that’s not how it works. More often than not, I don't even get to finish a thought before I'm silenced. So, I just take it, stay polite, and walk away—acting humble, just like playing Dudek.

Why would you have to? What are you afraid of? I mean, honestly, I used to be pretty much the same way when it came to speaking my mind, but I've started changing things lately.

So, yeah. Just try standing your ground a little bit. Keep it polite and reasonable, though. Maybe then things will start looking up.

Carl Rivera43 said:Why would you have to? What are you afraid of? I mean, honestly, I used to be pretty much the same way when it came to speaking my mind, but I've started changing things lately.

So, yeah. Just try standing your ground a little bit. Keep it polite and reasonable, though. Maybe then things will start looking up.

Look, kids need to learn boundaries. They need to know what's acceptable and when it's time to just be quiet. Otherwise, they just end up dealing with all sorts of humiliation.

Carl Rivera43 said:Why would you have to? What are you afraid of? I mean, honestly, I used to be pretty much the same way when it came to speaking my mind, but I've started changing things lately.

So, yeah. Just try standing your ground a little bit. Keep it polite and reasonable, though. Maybe then things will start looking up.

It’s not that I haven't tried being "polite" and "reasonable." I've been as humble as an ascetic monk or a devoted servant, basically speaking with the voice of wanderingotter53. Let me tell you, it was a total nightmare—I dealt with all kinds of insults and threats. At this point, there isn't much left to say...

wanderingotter53 said:Look, kids need to learn boundaries. They need to know what's acceptable and when it's time to just be quiet. Otherwise, they just end up dealing with all sorts of humiliation.

It’s not that I haven't tried being "polite" and "reasonable." I've been as humble as an ascetic monk or a devoted servant, basically speaking with the voice of wanderingotter53. Let me tell you, it was a total nightmare—I dealt with all kinds of insults and threats. At this point, there isn't much left to say...

But wait, what humiliations are we talking about here? And besides that, you say a child "needs to know"? First off, why would they need to know? And second, why would that lead to being humiliated?

Is your family maybe a bit too closed off? Do you guys tend to generalize things way more than necessary?

Honestly, maybe you'll actually get further in life that way....

Carl Rivera43 said:But wait, what humiliations are we talking about here? And besides that, you say a child "needs to know"? First off, why would they need to know? And second, why would that lead to being humiliated?

Is your family maybe a bit too closed off? Do you guys tend to generalize things way more than necessary?

Screaming, swearing, insults—it was all there. There were even threats of being slapped, though none of them actually landed. Honestly, I managed to play Dudek so perfectly in that moment that even the real Dudek probably couldn't have topped my performance.
It’s been a few years now since I’ve dealt with anyone coming at me with those heavy verbal lashings. To be honest, that’s mostly because I’ve changed. I’m quieter now, more low-key, and honestly, a lot more humble than I used to be. I go out of my way to avoid almost every conversation these days, sticking only to the absolute essentials. I don't even try to engage in debates anymore—I’ve realized it’s just better if I don't. So, for now, I just let people yell and curse all they want while I stay out of the line of fire.

Carl Rivera43 said:But wait, what humiliations are we talking about here? And besides that, you say a child "needs to know"? First off, why would they need to know? And second, why would that lead to being humiliated?

Is your family maybe a bit too closed off? Do you guys tend to generalize things way more than necessary?

Look, man, here’s the deal: does a kid really need to be lectured on stuff like borders? I mean, how old am I, four? You wouldn't discipline me like some toddler who just learned how to wipe his own butt. If we’re going to argue over the most trivial, mindless topics imaginable, then honestly, I've got nothing left to say. Nobody takes me seriously anyway.

Carl Rivera43 said:But wait, what humiliations are we talking about here? And besides that, you say a child "needs to know"? First off, why would they need to know? And second, why would that lead to being humiliated?

Is your family maybe a bit too closed off? Do you guys tend to generalize things way more than necessary?

Look, I’m not one to butt in when the grown-ups are talking, but honestly? They have this annoying habit of making me feel like I should just shut my mouth and stay quiet.
Here’s a perfect example, something really basic: I remember driving in the car once, and we were all just chatting about the mountain ranges here in the States. I had this sudden thought—like, "Hey, I could actually contribute to this conversation because I know my stuff"—and that feeling came from how I was raised. Growing up, I was taught that the only thing that mattered was school and constant studying. The logic was simple: the more you cram, the better your grades, and the better your grades, the more valuable you are as a person. So, I tried to apply exactly what I learned in geography class. I started dropping terms like, "Well, that’s a hill, that’s a mountain, and that over there is a forest range," because I had memorized those exact definitions word-for-word from my textbook. I wasn't just guessing; I was using the literal facts I’d been drilled on! And then, out of nowhere, people started shouting at me and being incredibly rude. It made zero sense. I was literally doing exactly what I was told to do in school—learning the material and knowing the facts—so why was I getting attacked for it? Honestly, I still don't get it.
I felt absolutely humiliated and disgraced, and there wasn't a single thing I could do to stop it.

wanderingangler13 said:Honestly, maybe you'll actually get further in life that way....

But couldn't you get there without all that?

wanderingotter53 said:Screaming, swearing, insults—it was all there. There were even threats of being slapped, though none of them actually landed. Honestly, I managed to play Dudek so perfectly in that moment that even the real Dudek probably couldn't have topped my performance.
It’s been a few years now since I’ve dealt with anyone coming at me with those heavy verbal lashings. To be honest, that’s mostly because I’ve changed. I’m quieter now, more low-key, and honestly, a lot more humble than I used to be. I go out of my way to avoid almost every conversation these days, sticking only to the absolute essentials. I don't even try to engage in debates anymore—I’ve realized it’s just better if I don't. So, for now, I just let people yell and curse all they want while I stay out of the line of fire.

Look, man, here’s the deal: does a kid really need to be lectured on stuff like borders? I mean, how old am I, four? You wouldn't discipline me like some toddler who just learned how to wipe his own butt. If we’re going to argue over the most trivial, mindless topics imaginable, then honestly, I've got nothing left to say. Nobody takes me seriously anyway.

Look, I’m not one to butt in when the grown-ups are talking, but honestly? They have this annoying habit of making me feel like I should just shut my mouth and stay quiet.
Here’s a perfect example, something really basic: I remember driving in the car once, and we were all just chatting about the mountain ranges here in the States. I had this sudden thought—like, "Hey, I could actually contribute to this conversation because I know my stuff"—and that feeling came from how I was raised. Growing up, I was taught that the only thing that mattered was school and constant studying. The logic was simple: the more you cram, the better your grades, and the better your grades, the more valuable you are as a person. So, I tried to apply exactly what I learned in geography class. I started dropping terms like, "Well, that’s a hill, that’s a mountain, and that over there is a forest range," because I had memorized those exact definitions word-for-word from my textbook. I wasn't just guessing; I was using the literal facts I’d been drilled on! And then, out of nowhere, people started shouting at me and being incredibly rude. It made zero sense. I was literally doing exactly what I was told to do in school—learning the material and knowing the facts—so why was I getting attacked for it? Honestly, I still don't get it.
I felt absolutely humiliated and disgraced, and there wasn't a single thing I could do to stop it.

Ah, well, it seems like working on being more relaxed might be a good idea.

See, if you could just chill out more during conversations, the discussions might actually head toward more interesting topics. And by doing that, it might become easier—maybe even motivating—for you to actually show off all that knowledge you have.

Memorizing definitions word-for-word? Yeah, that's tough, especially when it feels like you're just guessing half the time. It isn't easy.

So, yeah, it's hard. But hey, even something like writing a long post here on the forum can be great practice for those real-life situations that might otherwise make your brain freeze up.

wanderingotter53 said:But couldn't you get there without all that?

Of course you could! I'm talking about those big-picture decisions where it's tough to move the needle, but for most of the stuff we do, you can definitely influence things to some degree. It really just comes down to figuring out the best ways to actually make it happen, right?

wanderingotter53 said:But couldn't you get there without all that?

I get where you're coming from if you grew up under a thumb—you know, being strictly controlled or even getting mocked when you didn't fall in line. But honestly, don't make it out to be this massive tragedy. It's a trait that can definitely be unlearned. Once you head off to college somewhere else and start living on your own, you’ll probably shake it off naturally. You'll have to make your own calls, negotiate with people, and handle things yourself. It happens.

Carl Rivera43 said:Ah, well, it seems like working on being more relaxed might be a good idea.

See, if you could just chill out more during conversations, the discussions might actually head toward more interesting topics. And by doing that, it might become easier—maybe even motivating—for you to actually show off all that knowledge you have.

Memorizing definitions word-for-word? Yeah, that's tough, especially when it feels like you're just guessing half the time. It isn't easy.

So, yeah, it's hard. But hey, even something like writing a long post here on the forum can be great practice for those real-life situations that might otherwise make your brain freeze up.

What do you think? It’s not like I’m being tense or anything—whatever the word is for that!🤔

Carl Rivera43 said:Ah, well, it seems like working on being more relaxed might be a good idea.

See, if you could just chill out more during conversations, the discussions might actually head toward more interesting topics. And by doing that, it might become easier—maybe even motivating—for you to actually show off all that knowledge you have.

Memorizing definitions word-for-word? Yeah, that's tough, especially when it feels like you're just guessing half the time. It isn't easy.

So, yeah, it's hard. But hey, even something like writing a long post here on the forum can be great practice for those real-life situations that might otherwise make your brain freeze up.

Every time I’ve tried to actually sit down and have a real conversation with adults, it always ends up the exact same way. They basically act like I don't know anything and decide that I should just shut up and listen—even when I actually *do* know what I'm talking about!
I remember catching this segment on TV about how Japanese people apparently have an obsession with dolphins, and the commentators were absolutely losing it—just swearing and bashing them for hunting them. It got me thinking: look, we kill animals all the time just to put food on the table, it’s just that we don't have those specific animals around here, so we feel justified. Who are we to sit there and lecture anyone else about what they can or can't do? I actually tried to chime in and ask that question during the broadcast, but the response was basically just a repeat of the same judgmental rant I'd already heard. I figured, why bother? I just said "fair enough" and kept my mouth shut.

Carl Rivera43 said:Ah, well, it seems like working on being more relaxed might be a good idea.

See, if you could just chill out more during conversations, the discussions might actually head toward more interesting topics. And by doing that, it might become easier—maybe even motivating—for you to actually show off all that knowledge you have.

Memorizing definitions word-for-word? Yeah, that's tough, especially when it feels like you're just guessing half the time. It isn't easy.

So, yeah, it's hard. But hey, even something like writing a long post here on the forum can be great practice for those real-life situations that might otherwise make your brain freeze up.

Look, I’m finally seeing just how flawed that whole concept actually was, but honestly? I never gave it a second thought before. I just accepted it—just like everything else I was told. That was the entire point of my education, after all. My teachers, my professors, even my own family back home, they all sang its praises. Back then, nobody called it "rote memorization" like I am now. They used much loftier terms: "learning," "knowledge," "diligence," or being "smart." People used to congratulate me whenever I "knew" something, but the truth is, the only thing I ever truly "knew" was exactly what was printed in my textbooks. In the real world? I didn't know a single thing beyond what I had been spoon-fed.

Carl Rivera43 said:Ah, well, it seems like working on being more relaxed might be a good idea.

See, if you could just chill out more during conversations, the discussions might actually head toward more interesting topics. And by doing that, it might become easier—maybe even motivating—for you to actually show off all that knowledge you have.

Memorizing definitions word-for-word? Yeah, that's tough, especially when it feels like you're just guessing half the time. It isn't easy.

So, yeah, it's hard. But hey, even something like writing a long post here on the forum can be great practice for those real-life situations that might otherwise make your brain freeze up.

Look, I don't plan on playing Dudek for the rest of my life, but honestly? I’m feeling pretty desperate right now. I really wanted to get some outside perspectives on how things might be able to change—even just a little bit—while I'm still stuck in this position.

Who exactly are you threatening, kid?
Since you're heading off to college out of state, you'll be getting away from them, which solves half the problem.
The real issue is that you still don't have an opinion of your own, nor do you actually speak up.
Work on yourself. Reflect on things, on different situations. Push yourself to voice your thoughts in a group, even if they happen to be unpopular.

wanderingangler13 said:I get where you're coming from if you grew up under a thumb—you know, being strictly controlled or even getting mocked when you didn't fall in line. But honestly, don't make it out to be this massive tragedy. It's a trait that can definitely be unlearned. Once you head off to college somewhere else and start living on your own, you’ll probably shake it off naturally. You'll have to make your own calls, negotiate with people, and handle things yourself. It happens.

And I'm jumping in too!

wanderingangler13 said:I get where you're coming from if you grew up under a thumb—you know, being strictly controlled or even getting mocked when you didn't fall in line. But honestly, don't make it out to be this massive tragedy. It's a trait that can definitely be unlearned. Once you head off to college somewhere else and start living on your own, you’ll probably shake it off naturally. You'll have to make your own calls, negotiate with people, and handle things yourself. It happens.

Just so we’re clear, I’ve probably only been in a scrap maybe five times in my life. Though, honestly, if I weren't being so careful about staying out of character and stopped playing Dudek, I might have ended up in one just now. But I don't need that kind of drama.

wanderingangler13 said:I get where you're coming from if you grew up under a thumb—you know, being strictly controlled or even getting mocked when you didn't fall in line. But honestly, don't make it out to be this massive tragedy. It's a trait that can definitely be unlearned. Once you head off to college somewhere else and start living on your own, you’ll probably shake it off naturally. You'll have to make your own calls, negotiate with people, and handle things yourself. It happens.

Oh man, we actually have family living out there, and my folks just landed jobs too!

wanderingotter53 said:What do you think? It’s not like I’m being tense or anything—whatever the word is for that!🤔

Every time I’ve tried to actually sit down and have a real conversation with adults, it always ends up the exact same way. They basically act like I don't know anything and decide that I should just shut up and listen—even when I actually *do* know what I'm talking about!
I remember catching this segment on TV about how Japanese people apparently have an obsession with dolphins, and the commentators were absolutely losing it—just swearing and bashing them for hunting them. It got me thinking: look, we kill animals all the time just to put food on the table, it’s just that we don't have those specific animals around here, so we feel justified. Who are we to sit there and lecture anyone else about what they can or can't do? I actually tried to chime in and ask that question during the broadcast, but the response was basically just a repeat of the same judgmental rant I'd already heard. I figured, why bother? I just said "fair enough" and kept my mouth shut.

Look, I’m finally seeing just how flawed that whole concept actually was, but honestly? I never gave it a second thought before. I just accepted it—just like everything else I was told. That was the entire point of my education, after all. My teachers, my professors, even my own family back home, they all sang its praises. Back then, nobody called it "rote memorization" like I am now. They used much loftier terms: "learning," "knowledge," "diligence," or being "smart." People used to congratulate me whenever I "knew" something, but the truth is, the only thing I ever truly "knew" was exactly what was printed in my textbooks. In the real world? I didn't know a single thing beyond what I had been spoon-fed.

Look, I don't plan on playing Dudek for the rest of my life, but honestly? I’m feeling pretty desperate right now. I really wanted to get some outside perspectives on how things might be able to change—even just a little bit—while I'm still stuck in this position.

Oh, hey, look—personally, I love a good chat. Most people my age might find certain topics, like agriculture, music, or nature, a bit boring. And sure, stories get repetitive sometimes. But if you frame things a little differently or change the setting, you can find a whole new dimension to it.

Take that stuff about the Japanese people, for instance. You could pivot to much better topics. Like, there are tons of tourists from Japan and surrounding areas visiting Washington, D.C., so you could steer the conversation toward something more positive. (Talking about killing animals isn't exactly the best vibe for a Saturday night, right?)

So, try to tap into some memories and attempt to express yourself in a better way. Maybe that "playing Dudek" phase will eventually transition into something better.

neonmason86 Asks:
Who exactly is doing the threatening, parents?
Since you’re heading off to study abroad, you'll finally be getting some distance from them—so I guess that pretty much solves half the problem right there!

I'm not going anywhere! I was just getting back to wanderingangler13 with my response.

neonmason86 said:Who exactly are you threatening, kid?
Since you're heading off to college out of state, you'll be getting away from them, which solves half the problem.
The real issue is that you still don't have an opinion of your own, nor do you actually speak up.
Work on yourself. Reflect on things, on different situations. Push yourself to voice your thoughts in a group, even if they happen to be unpopular.

It’s not like I’m incapable of forming an opinion—believe me, I have plenty. It’s just that I can't exactly voice them in front of the higher-ups. It isn't that they tell me, "Hey, don't say what you think," quite so bluntly; it’s more about reading between the lines of how they respond. You pick up on the vibe, and that's enough to know where you stand.

I can only tell you this: either show some teeth, or you're going to spend the rest of your life playing drag Katalenić—just sitting there, staying quiet, nodding politely, and avoiding any kind of confrontation.

neonmason86 said:I can only tell you this: either show some teeth, or you're going to spend the rest of your life playing drag Katalenić—just sitting there, staying quiet, nodding politely, and avoiding any kind of confrontation.

I actually tried that once, and man, it was brutal. It was all "to hell with this, who cares where you go to college, you ungrateful little brat..." stuff. I ended up retreating to my room and basically lived there. When I did come out, I’d just wander around the yard, trying my best to avoid talking to the people in charge. I’d only pop up when it was absolutely necessary to handle basic chores, like "hey, grab this" or "go do that." It felt incredibly humiliating, honestly, and pretty terrifying too.

Maybe all we can really do is wait...

Your only real move left is to find Regina a husband. 😛 Just kidding! 🙂

wanderingangler13 said:Honestly, maybe you'll actually get further in life that way....

Dammit, his whole life is gonna be like this. He’ll never stand up to anyone. Always gonna be a pushover.
Today it's his parents, his buddies, his siblings... tomorrow it'll be his wife.
That's how it works. You let yourself get coddled like that and you're never gonna toughen up overnight, and let's be real—people don't look kindly on guys like him.