Posts by John Grant2

Hey,
thanks for getting back to me.

The whole house situation is actually a bit more complicated than it sounds. It’s not like I’m just dropping in for a few days and then vanishing. I’m using my entire vacation time to come home and be with my family because, honestly, I miss them like crazy and just need that time together (makes sense, right?).
Plus, I help out with the family business, so I’m definitely not totally checked out or sitting around doing nothing while I'm here. My parents aren't exactly tech-savvy—they don't really get computers or speak much English—so I basically run the whole show, both online and offline. But when it comes to the hands-on, physical stuff? Yeah, I'm pretty clueless about that part.

And regarding what you said about my mom putting up with me my whole life... yeah, I know. I know I can never truly repay her for everything she's done for me. I've already told her that once she gets tired of everything, she’s more than welcome to move in with me and let me take care of her, so I'm definitely not some ungrateful daughter just showing up to be pampered. In fact, I’m planning on renting a bigger apartment next year specifically with that in mind—making sure there's space for one more person if she ever decides to make the move. I know her life hasn't been easy, and I think living alone now isn't exactly a walk in the park for her either.

As for dating, where does it all go wrong? For instance, guys usually expect things to get intimate—you know, kissing, sex—after maybe two or three dates, especially since they aren't people I've known for long. For me, that feels super awkward. I just can't force myself into it, and it isn't even about whether I find them attractive or not; it's just that I don't feel like we actually *know* each other yet. Naturally, they get offended because they assume I'm just not into them, and that's usually where everything falls apart. They tell me I'm cold or distant... and hey, maybe from their perspective, that's true. Let's be real, though—sex is a huge part of intimacy, and I get that nobody wants to feel rejected. So, what am I looking for? Well, I'd love to just hang out with someone first and get to know them as a person. But again, everyone has different standards. When I try to explain this, people just tell me, "But we've known each other long enough after a couple of weeks!" I wish I could just go out casually for a month or two, talk, build up some trust, and feel comfortable enough to show someone my messy side. For me, feelings only kick in once I actually know someone. My past partners always argued the opposite, saying trust is built through intimacy and that sex is what brings people closer. I don't know who's right! And honestly, what does it matter if I know what I want if the other person isn't on the same page? Clearly, my criteria are "unrealistic" or there's just a major disconnect somewhere.

As for these irrational fears... I have no idea where they come from. I've had anxieties since I was a little kid, but they've really spiraled since I moved out on my own and started working. Before that, I felt way more carefree. Why is that? Who knows.

And it's not like I don't want marriage and kids—quite the opposite, I'd love that. I don't think anyone is really built to live completely alone, and I'm certainly not an exception. I just hope my post didn't come across like I'm some man-hater or someone who's against the idea of family.

Sorry in advance if this turns into a massive novel! I don't really post on these forums much, so clearly, my social skills have taken a bit of a hit 😁

So, I’m creeping up on 30, and my question is pretty straightforward: how do I become a more independent, self-assured person—someone my family can actually lean on?
I honestly never thought I’d be asking something like this at my age, but my twenties just kind of slipped by without delivering that whole "confidence boost" everyone talks about.

I’m not even sure how to start this story without sounding like a total drama queen. My family thinks I’m exaggerating, and if I’m being totally honest with myself, I know there isn't some huge catastrophe happening. I truly appreciate everything I have because I worked my tail off to get here, with plenty of support from my family along the way. I try my best to be kind to everyone, but man, I lose my patience so easily. I definitely have my flaws. If you asked my family, they’d probably tell you I’m a little spoiled. I have a solid job working overseas, I support myself completely, but since I don't have a husband or kids, I basically spend my entire paycheck on myself. Once I started earning my own way, I’ll admit I got a lot more comfortable, and now I just don't have the stomach for things I used to put up with back when I was financially dependent on them.

Here’s a recent example for you. This year, I’m vacationing at a family house out in the middle of nowhere—like, a tiny coastal town where there’s zero infrastructure. No running water, no post office, no banks, nothing. I came out here because the whole family is gathering (my brother lives abroad too), which is the sweet part. But the downside? This place is incredibly boring for someone who's single. There aren't any restaurants to go out to or bars to hang at; it’s mostly just families with little kids or older couples looking for peace and quiet. For instance, this summer we ran out of water because we all converged on one spot and the local reservoir couldn't handle it. Now, my mom is constantly lecturing me about how we use too much water or how we take too many showers. The thing is, I’m just done dealing with that kind of nagging. Don't get me wrong, I’m used to living with limited resources and I’m not out here wasting gallons, but after a long day in this heat, I just want to be able to rinse off with some soap and water, you know?
Am I a bad person if I find myself wanting to avoid coming here just because of these practical headaches?
On the flip side, I feel this heavy sense of duty to help my mom since she’s out here alone. There’s no one else around to help her with the heavy lifting or fixing things, but then again, my help feels useless because I have no clue how anything works in a place like this. Everything here runs on handshakes and "knowing a guy," rather than actual services you can rely on. So, my mom ends up looking at me like I'm clueless because I don't understand the basic daily rhythms of life here. It's just that I live in a different world where things function differently, and being here makes me feel totally ineffective. Nothing I’m used to works here.
Basically, I come here to see my family, but all these logistical hiccups just drive me crazy.
Mom is deeply attached to this house because it’s where her parents were born, and she pours everything into it. But honestly? I couldn't care less about this place, mostly because of the hassle—the water issues, the limited grocery options, even trying to find a repairman through some random acquaintance. As she gets older, she stays longer because she loves it—gardening, yard work, all that stuff. I just don't share that enthusiasm. And when we run out of water and I have to wash up with a bottle or take a "shower" in the ocean, it just frustrates me. I’d love to just head home, but I know everyone would judge me and think I’m being selfish and only thinking of myself.

Another issue: my family keeps calling me stingy. I get why they say that, though, because I’m used to watching every single penny. Part of it is just how things work where I live; there isn't this big culture of constant group treats and splitting bills the way it might be common in other places. The other part is that I live alone—no spouse, no extra safety net—so I feel like I have to guard my money and manage it perfectly. I know I overdo it sometimes, but having that cushion gives me a sense of security, knowing I can afford things and have a backup plan. I realize I go overboard, but I can't explain to them that it isn't about being cheap; it's about anxiety. I always have this nagging thought that I'm out there on my own and nobody is going to step in to help me except myself. Because of that, I stress out about everything, including money. I struggle to just relax and enjoy life. Ever since I was a kid, I've had this work ethic drilled into me—this idea that I have to provide for myself. And look, it's true. I don't want to blame my parents because they gave me everything I needed to succeed, but I wish they understood that my "flaws" aren't because I'm a bad person; they stem from feeling insecure and needing to control everything. Why am I like this? Who knows. Maybe it's just my personality, or maybe it's the circumstances, because growing up, we dealt with some financial uncertainty. Even though we weren't struggling—we could afford piano lessons and all that—I still remember those tense moments when the mood would shift because we were worried about making it to the end of the month. We never lacked the basics, but the fear was always there. To me, an empty bank account felt like a wall closing in. That’s why I’ve always known I had to pull my own weight. The favorite saying in our house was that I wasn't born a princess with a monthly allowance to fund my "artistic pursuits." (By the way, writing is my hobby. I haven't turned it into a career, but I do it independently and it doesn't bother anyone!) The point is: find a good, steady job, stay independent, and don't rely on anyone else.

Now that I’ve finally hit that point of financial independence, I’m actually feeling more insecure about myself than ever before. It’s kind of wild, right?

I really wish I could just sit my family down and explain that some of my flaws aren't because I'm a "bad person," but more like reactions to everything I've been through. I don't think they actually view me as a bad person, per se, but it feels like they only ever see this surface-level version of who I am.

Then there's this third thing—I've never really brought a boyfriend home, nor have I had those long-term, serious relationships. My family thinks I've just blown all my chances or that I’m constantly rejecting people because my standards are way too high. And look, I get why it looks that way from the outside, but I feel like nobody truly understands what's going on inside my head... for instance, my mom sees it as romantic whenever I go out with a guy, even if he's just a friend. She’d never admit it, obviously, but I can tell by how she reacts. To her, every outing is basically a date. So when I stop seeing a guy after a few weeks, in her mind, it’s just because I rejected him for being "not good enough."

Writing this out makes it sound so silly, honestly. Like, as an adult, I know I shouldn't care so much about what people think of my life, but at the same time, I just want someone I can talk to—really talk to—as an equal. Especially now that I'm grown up and should be able to have these one-on-one, mature conversations with my parents or siblings.
I just feel like I can't talk to anyone like a real person.
And that leaves me feeling incredibly insecure.
I mean, I'll admit, I *am* pretty demanding in certain ways. Moving toward intimacy too quickly is a massive hurdle for me, and because of that, potential partners usually just give up and run the other way.

I try to please everyone, and I just fail. All this insecurity bleeds into my private life—I don't have a partner, let alone a marriage or kids. I don't even feel capable of being a mother or looking after someone else. I've been sweeping my personal life under the rug for years; it's basically the source of my biggest fears. I just don't feel like the type of woman men gravitate toward, and I struggle to provide that level of intimacy or physical connection that everyone seems to crave. I can't even fake it, you know? I tried, but guys can always smell the act. After a couple of dates, once they realize it isn't genuine, they either bail or start acting insecure themselves—thinking maybe they aren't attractive enough for me—which isn't even the issue. I just can't explain it to anyone. Everyone thinks I'm exaggerating, which I guess might be true in a way, but I can't help it. They act like intimacy is just this spontaneous thing that happens naturally between a man and a woman.

So, I just stopped dating. Honestly, I know my "setup" is complicated, and most people just want a partner to enjoy life with—sex, closeness, daily routines, small talk, all of it. I totally respect that, so I decided I wouldn't hold anyone back.

But truthfully, I have no idea what to do with myself.
Who can I talk to openly as an individual, without being judged through the lens of being a daughter, a girlfriend, or a lover?
Sometimes I feel guilty for even thinking this way because my family isn't bad at all, and I'd hate for anyone to think they're terrible based on what I'm saying. Maybe I'm the problem—for them and for myself. I just can't be this "superwoman" like my mom was, working herself to the bone every single day just to put food on the table. Any bit of stress just knocks me completely off balance, making me feel even more unsure of myself, and then the panic sets in. How do you even change at this stage of life? What am I supposed to do? Where do I find a safe space where I can just figure out who I actually am?