How to build self-confidence and get my life together in my late 20s

Sorry in advance if this turns into a massive novel! I don't really post on these forums much, so clearly, my social skills have taken a bit of a hit 😁

So, I’m creeping up on 30, and my question is pretty straightforward: how do I become a more independent, self-assured person—someone my family can actually lean on?
I honestly never thought I’d be asking something like this at my age, but my twenties just kind of slipped by without delivering that whole "confidence boost" everyone talks about.

I’m not even sure how to start this story without sounding like a total drama queen. My family thinks I’m exaggerating, and if I’m being totally honest with myself, I know there isn't some huge catastrophe happening. I truly appreciate everything I have because I worked my tail off to get here, with plenty of support from my family along the way. I try my best to be kind to everyone, but man, I lose my patience so easily. I definitely have my flaws. If you asked my family, they’d probably tell you I’m a little spoiled. I have a solid job working overseas, I support myself completely, but since I don't have a husband or kids, I basically spend my entire paycheck on myself. Once I started earning my own way, I’ll admit I got a lot more comfortable, and now I just don't have the stomach for things I used to put up with back when I was financially dependent on them.

Here’s a recent example for you. This year, I’m vacationing at a family house out in the middle of nowhere—like, a tiny coastal town where there’s zero infrastructure. No running water, no post office, no banks, nothing. I came out here because the whole family is gathering (my brother lives abroad too), which is the sweet part. But the downside? This place is incredibly boring for someone who's single. There aren't any restaurants to go out to or bars to hang at; it’s mostly just families with little kids or older couples looking for peace and quiet. For instance, this summer we ran out of water because we all converged on one spot and the local reservoir couldn't handle it. Now, my mom is constantly lecturing me about how we use too much water or how we take too many showers. The thing is, I’m just done dealing with that kind of nagging. Don't get me wrong, I’m used to living with limited resources and I’m not out here wasting gallons, but after a long day in this heat, I just want to be able to rinse off with some soap and water, you know?
Am I a bad person if I find myself wanting to avoid coming here just because of these practical headaches?
On the flip side, I feel this heavy sense of duty to help my mom since she’s out here alone. There’s no one else around to help her with the heavy lifting or fixing things, but then again, my help feels useless because I have no clue how anything works in a place like this. Everything here runs on handshakes and "knowing a guy," rather than actual services you can rely on. So, my mom ends up looking at me like I'm clueless because I don't understand the basic daily rhythms of life here. It's just that I live in a different world where things function differently, and being here makes me feel totally ineffective. Nothing I’m used to works here.
Basically, I come here to see my family, but all these logistical hiccups just drive me crazy.
Mom is deeply attached to this house because it’s where her parents were born, and she pours everything into it. But honestly? I couldn't care less about this place, mostly because of the hassle—the water issues, the limited grocery options, even trying to find a repairman through some random acquaintance. As she gets older, she stays longer because she loves it—gardening, yard work, all that stuff. I just don't share that enthusiasm. And when we run out of water and I have to wash up with a bottle or take a "shower" in the ocean, it just frustrates me. I’d love to just head home, but I know everyone would judge me and think I’m being selfish and only thinking of myself.

Another issue: my family keeps calling me stingy. I get why they say that, though, because I’m used to watching every single penny. Part of it is just how things work where I live; there isn't this big culture of constant group treats and splitting bills the way it might be common in other places. The other part is that I live alone—no spouse, no extra safety net—so I feel like I have to guard my money and manage it perfectly. I know I overdo it sometimes, but having that cushion gives me a sense of security, knowing I can afford things and have a backup plan. I realize I go overboard, but I can't explain to them that it isn't about being cheap; it's about anxiety. I always have this nagging thought that I'm out there on my own and nobody is going to step in to help me except myself. Because of that, I stress out about everything, including money. I struggle to just relax and enjoy life. Ever since I was a kid, I've had this work ethic drilled into me—this idea that I have to provide for myself. And look, it's true. I don't want to blame my parents because they gave me everything I needed to succeed, but I wish they understood that my "flaws" aren't because I'm a bad person; they stem from feeling insecure and needing to control everything. Why am I like this? Who knows. Maybe it's just my personality, or maybe it's the circumstances, because growing up, we dealt with some financial uncertainty. Even though we weren't struggling—we could afford piano lessons and all that—I still remember those tense moments when the mood would shift because we were worried about making it to the end of the month. We never lacked the basics, but the fear was always there. To me, an empty bank account felt like a wall closing in. That’s why I’ve always known I had to pull my own weight. The favorite saying in our house was that I wasn't born a princess with a monthly allowance to fund my "artistic pursuits." (By the way, writing is my hobby. I haven't turned it into a career, but I do it independently and it doesn't bother anyone!) The point is: find a good, steady job, stay independent, and don't rely on anyone else.

Now that I’ve finally hit that point of financial independence, I’m actually feeling more insecure about myself than ever before. It’s kind of wild, right?

I really wish I could just sit my family down and explain that some of my flaws aren't because I'm a "bad person," but more like reactions to everything I've been through. I don't think they actually view me as a bad person, per se, but it feels like they only ever see this surface-level version of who I am.

Then there's this third thing—I've never really brought a boyfriend home, nor have I had those long-term, serious relationships. My family thinks I've just blown all my chances or that I’m constantly rejecting people because my standards are way too high. And look, I get why it looks that way from the outside, but I feel like nobody truly understands what's going on inside my head... for instance, my mom sees it as romantic whenever I go out with a guy, even if he's just a friend. She’d never admit it, obviously, but I can tell by how she reacts. To her, every outing is basically a date. So when I stop seeing a guy after a few weeks, in her mind, it’s just because I rejected him for being "not good enough."

Writing this out makes it sound so silly, honestly. Like, as an adult, I know I shouldn't care so much about what people think of my life, but at the same time, I just want someone I can talk to—really talk to—as an equal. Especially now that I'm grown up and should be able to have these one-on-one, mature conversations with my parents or siblings.
I just feel like I can't talk to anyone like a real person.
And that leaves me feeling incredibly insecure.
I mean, I'll admit, I *am* pretty demanding in certain ways. Moving toward intimacy too quickly is a massive hurdle for me, and because of that, potential partners usually just give up and run the other way.

I try to please everyone, and I just fail. All this insecurity bleeds into my private life—I don't have a partner, let alone a marriage or kids. I don't even feel capable of being a mother or looking after someone else. I've been sweeping my personal life under the rug for years; it's basically the source of my biggest fears. I just don't feel like the type of woman men gravitate toward, and I struggle to provide that level of intimacy or physical connection that everyone seems to crave. I can't even fake it, you know? I tried, but guys can always smell the act. After a couple of dates, once they realize it isn't genuine, they either bail or start acting insecure themselves—thinking maybe they aren't attractive enough for me—which isn't even the issue. I just can't explain it to anyone. Everyone thinks I'm exaggerating, which I guess might be true in a way, but I can't help it. They act like intimacy is just this spontaneous thing that happens naturally between a man and a woman.

So, I just stopped dating. Honestly, I know my "setup" is complicated, and most people just want a partner to enjoy life with—sex, closeness, daily routines, small talk, all of it. I totally respect that, so I decided I wouldn't hold anyone back.

But truthfully, I have no idea what to do with myself.
Who can I talk to openly as an individual, without being judged through the lens of being a daughter, a girlfriend, or a lover?
Sometimes I feel guilty for even thinking this way because my family isn't bad at all, and I'd hate for anyone to think they're terrible based on what I'm saying. Maybe I'm the problem—for them and for myself. I just can't be this "superwoman" like my mom was, working herself to the bone every single day just to put food on the table. Any bit of stress just knocks me completely off balance, making me feel even more unsure of myself, and then the panic sets in. How do you even change at this stage of life? What am I supposed to do? Where do I find a safe space where I can just figure out who I actually am?

John Grant2 said:Sorry in advance if this turns into a massive novel! I don't really post on these forums much, so clearly, my social skills have taken a bit of a hit 😁

So, I’m creeping up on 30, and my question is pretty straightforward: how do I become a more independent, self-assured person—someone my family can actually lean on?
I honestly never thought I’d be asking something like this at my age, but my twenties just kind of slipped by without delivering that whole "confidence boost" everyone talks about.

I’m not even sure how to start this story without sounding like a total drama queen. My family thinks I’m exaggerating, and if I’m being totally honest with myself, I know there isn't some huge catastrophe happening. I truly appreciate everything I have because I worked my tail off to get here, with plenty of support from my family along the way. I try my best to be kind to everyone, but man, I lose my patience so easily. I definitely have my flaws. If you asked my family, they’d probably tell you I’m a little spoiled. I have a solid job working overseas, I support myself completely, but since I don't have a husband or kids, I basically spend my entire paycheck on myself. Once I started earning my own way, I’ll admit I got a lot more comfortable, and now I just don't have the stomach for things I used to put up with back when I was financially dependent on them.

Here’s a recent example for you. This year, I’m vacationing at a family house out in the middle of nowhere—like, a tiny coastal town where there’s zero infrastructure. No running water, no post office, no banks, nothing. I came out here because the whole family is gathering (my brother lives abroad too), which is the sweet part. But the downside? This place is incredibly boring for someone who's single. There aren't any restaurants to go out to or bars to hang at; it’s mostly just families with little kids or older couples looking for peace and quiet. For instance, this summer we ran out of water because we all converged on one spot and the local reservoir couldn't handle it. Now, my mom is constantly lecturing me about how we use too much water or how we take too many showers. The thing is, I’m just done dealing with that kind of nagging. Don't get me wrong, I’m used to living with limited resources and I’m not out here wasting gallons, but after a long day in this heat, I just want to be able to rinse off with some soap and water, you know?
Am I a bad person if I find myself wanting to avoid coming here just because of these practical headaches?
On the flip side, I feel this heavy sense of duty to help my mom since she’s out here alone. There’s no one else around to help her with the heavy lifting or fixing things, but then again, my help feels useless because I have no clue how anything works in a place like this. Everything here runs on handshakes and "knowing a guy," rather than actual services you can rely on. So, my mom ends up looking at me like I'm clueless because I don't understand the basic daily rhythms of life here. It's just that I live in a different world where things function differently, and being here makes me feel totally ineffective. Nothing I’m used to works here.
Basically, I come here to see my family, but all these logistical hiccups just drive me crazy.
Mom is deeply attached to this house because it’s where her parents were born, and she pours everything into it. But honestly? I couldn't care less about this place, mostly because of the hassle—the water issues, the limited grocery options, even trying to find a repairman through some random acquaintance. As she gets older, she stays longer because she loves it—gardening, yard work, all that stuff. I just don't share that enthusiasm. And when we run out of water and I have to wash up with a bottle or take a "shower" in the ocean, it just frustrates me. I’d love to just head home, but I know everyone would judge me and think I’m being selfish and only thinking of myself.

Another issue: my family keeps calling me stingy. I get why they say that, though, because I’m used to watching every single penny. Part of it is just how things work where I live; there isn't this big culture of constant group treats and splitting bills the way it might be common in other places. The other part is that I live alone—no spouse, no extra safety net—so I feel like I have to guard my money and manage it perfectly. I know I overdo it sometimes, but having that cushion gives me a sense of security, knowing I can afford things and have a backup plan. I realize I go overboard, but I can't explain to them that it isn't about being cheap; it's about anxiety. I always have this nagging thought that I'm out there on my own and nobody is going to step in to help me except myself. Because of that, I stress out about everything, including money. I struggle to just relax and enjoy life. Ever since I was a kid, I've had this work ethic drilled into me—this idea that I have to provide for myself. And look, it's true. I don't want to blame my parents because they gave me everything I needed to succeed, but I wish they understood that my "flaws" aren't because I'm a bad person; they stem from feeling insecure and needing to control everything. Why am I like this? Who knows. Maybe it's just my personality, or maybe it's the circumstances, because growing up, we dealt with some financial uncertainty. Even though we weren't struggling—we could afford piano lessons and all that—I still remember those tense moments when the mood would shift because we were worried about making it to the end of the month. We never lacked the basics, but the fear was always there. To me, an empty bank account felt like a wall closing in. That’s why I’ve always known I had to pull my own weight. The favorite saying in our house was that I wasn't born a princess with a monthly allowance to fund my "artistic pursuits." (By the way, writing is my hobby. I haven't turned it into a career, but I do it independently and it doesn't bother anyone!) The point is: find a good, steady job, stay independent, and don't rely on anyone else.

Now that I’ve finally hit that point of financial independence, I’m actually feeling more insecure about myself than ever before. It’s kind of wild, right?

I really wish I could just sit my family down and explain that some of my flaws aren't because I'm a "bad person," but more like reactions to everything I've been through. I don't think they actually view me as a bad person, per se, but it feels like they only ever see this surface-level version of who I am.

Then there's this third thing—I've never really brought a boyfriend home, nor have I had those long-term, serious relationships. My family thinks I've just blown all my chances or that I’m constantly rejecting people because my standards are way too high. And look, I get why it looks that way from the outside, but I feel like nobody truly understands what's going on inside my head... for instance, my mom sees it as romantic whenever I go out with a guy, even if he's just a friend. She’d never admit it, obviously, but I can tell by how she reacts. To her, every outing is basically a date. So when I stop seeing a guy after a few weeks, in her mind, it’s just because I rejected him for being "not good enough."

Writing this out makes it sound so silly, honestly. Like, as an adult, I know I shouldn't care so much about what people think of my life, but at the same time, I just want someone I can talk to—really talk to—as an equal. Especially now that I'm grown up and should be able to have these one-on-one, mature conversations with my parents or siblings.
I just feel like I can't talk to anyone like a real person.
And that leaves me feeling incredibly insecure.
I mean, I'll admit, I *am* pretty demanding in certain ways. Moving toward intimacy too quickly is a massive hurdle for me, and because of that, potential partners usually just give up and run the other way.

I try to please everyone, and I just fail. All this insecurity bleeds into my private life—I don't have a partner, let alone a marriage or kids. I don't even feel capable of being a mother or looking after someone else. I've been sweeping my personal life under the rug for years; it's basically the source of my biggest fears. I just don't feel like the type of woman men gravitate toward, and I struggle to provide that level of intimacy or physical connection that everyone seems to crave. I can't even fake it, you know? I tried, but guys can always smell the act. After a couple of dates, once they realize it isn't genuine, they either bail or start acting insecure themselves—thinking maybe they aren't attractive enough for me—which isn't even the issue. I just can't explain it to anyone. Everyone thinks I'm exaggerating, which I guess might be true in a way, but I can't help it. They act like intimacy is just this spontaneous thing that happens naturally between a man and a woman.

So, I just stopped dating. Honestly, I know my "setup" is complicated, and most people just want a partner to enjoy life with—sex, closeness, daily routines, small talk, all of it. I totally respect that, so I decided I wouldn't hold anyone back.

But truthfully, I have no idea what to do with myself.
Who can I talk to openly as an individual, without being judged through the lens of being a daughter, a girlfriend, or a lover?
Sometimes I feel guilty for even thinking this way because my family isn't bad at all, and I'd hate for anyone to think they're terrible based on what I'm saying. Maybe I'm the problem—for them and for myself. I just can't be this "superwoman" like my mom was, working herself to the bone every single day just to put food on the table. Any bit of stress just knocks me completely off balance, making me feel even more unsure of myself, and then the panic sets in. How do you even change at this stage of life? What am I supposed to do? Where do I find a safe space where I can just figure out who I actually am?

I honestly think you don't have huge issues, you're just being way too hard on yourself and getting caught up in the tiny details.
Like that whole situation with the summer vacation and your mom... I don't really get it. Is it really that hard to just deal with less-than-perfect conditions for a few days and try to focus on the good stuff? Your mom has dealt with you her whole life, so why is it such a struggle for you to practice a little tolerance and just step outside your comfort zone?
On the flip side, you say you're scared, even though you're an adult woman with your own income and you take care of yourself. Why the fear? I'm guessing you're smart with money, you've got savings, you're healthy... there shouldn't be much to worry about.
And then there's the relationship stuff—I think that's your biggest hurdle, and it's fueling all this insecurity. You haven't quite found your footing in romantic relationships, so you naturally try to please everyone else—your boyfriend, your parents, those rigid societal expectations—and it's just driving you crazy.
What if, just for a change, you stopped obsessing over what guys want or what people expect from you, and just said, "Hey, this is how I want to live"? If you don't want a relationship, marriage, or kids... well, there's nothing wrong with that, right?
And I don't get the issue with intimacy either. Is it a trust thing? Are you forcing it? Can't find someone who clicks? Or do you just feel like you don't deserve it?
Those are the areas you need to work on, and things get better once you start standing up for yourself instead of just being passive. Instead of retreating into a corner and listing everything you *can't* do or everything that scares you, try focusing on what you *do* want, what you're looking for, and what actually makes you feel worthy...

That insecurity comes from the fact that you're basically backing yourself into a corner. You feel powerless because you think you have to please everyone, when really, nobody can do that. You've just got this perception that everyone is demanding something from you. Stop playing the victim and become someone who expresses themselves clearly, regardless of what anyone else thinks. Once you do that, guys won't be people who demand things you aren't sure you can give... instead, you'll be the one looking for what *you* need in others...

Hey,
thanks for getting back to me.

The whole house situation is actually a bit more complicated than it sounds. It’s not like I’m just dropping in for a few days and then vanishing. I’m using my entire vacation time to come home and be with my family because, honestly, I miss them like crazy and just need that time together (makes sense, right?).
Plus, I help out with the family business, so I’m definitely not totally checked out or sitting around doing nothing while I'm here. My parents aren't exactly tech-savvy—they don't really get computers or speak much English—so I basically run the whole show, both online and offline. But when it comes to the hands-on, physical stuff? Yeah, I'm pretty clueless about that part.

And regarding what you said about my mom putting up with me my whole life... yeah, I know. I know I can never truly repay her for everything she's done for me. I've already told her that once she gets tired of everything, she’s more than welcome to move in with me and let me take care of her, so I'm definitely not some ungrateful daughter just showing up to be pampered. In fact, I’m planning on renting a bigger apartment next year specifically with that in mind—making sure there's space for one more person if she ever decides to make the move. I know her life hasn't been easy, and I think living alone now isn't exactly a walk in the park for her either.

As for dating, where does it all go wrong? For instance, guys usually expect things to get intimate—you know, kissing, sex—after maybe two or three dates, especially since they aren't people I've known for long. For me, that feels super awkward. I just can't force myself into it, and it isn't even about whether I find them attractive or not; it's just that I don't feel like we actually *know* each other yet. Naturally, they get offended because they assume I'm just not into them, and that's usually where everything falls apart. They tell me I'm cold or distant... and hey, maybe from their perspective, that's true. Let's be real, though—sex is a huge part of intimacy, and I get that nobody wants to feel rejected. So, what am I looking for? Well, I'd love to just hang out with someone first and get to know them as a person. But again, everyone has different standards. When I try to explain this, people just tell me, "But we've known each other long enough after a couple of weeks!" I wish I could just go out casually for a month or two, talk, build up some trust, and feel comfortable enough to show someone my messy side. For me, feelings only kick in once I actually know someone. My past partners always argued the opposite, saying trust is built through intimacy and that sex is what brings people closer. I don't know who's right! And honestly, what does it matter if I know what I want if the other person isn't on the same page? Clearly, my criteria are "unrealistic" or there's just a major disconnect somewhere.

As for these irrational fears... I have no idea where they come from. I've had anxieties since I was a little kid, but they've really spiraled since I moved out on my own and started working. Before that, I felt way more carefree. Why is that? Who knows.

And it's not like I don't want marriage and kids—quite the opposite, I'd love that. I don't think anyone is really built to live completely alone, and I'm certainly not an exception. I just hope my post didn't come across like I'm some man-hater or someone who's against the idea of family.

Your post actually left me feeling pretty bummed out.

It’s not like there’s some massive tragedy happening, and I’m sure nothing is objectively "missing" from your life, but still... it feels like so much is just fundamentally off. Not in a loud, chaotic way, but more like this low-level hum of wrongness in the background, which I guess is sometimes even harder to deal with. It’s tough because who do you even vent to when everything looks fine on paper, while everyone else seems to be dealing with actual disasters?

Given how often you bring up your family and how much their opinion weighs on you, I wouldn't call you selfish at all. Honestly, if you focused just a little more on yourself and what actually works for you, none of this would even bother you. You’d just spend the holidays however you wanted, which is your right.

From what you wrote, it sounds like your family is constantly critiquing you and trying to micromanage your life. And it feels like you might be leaning into that "perpetual child" role, almost like you're dependent on their approval. Have you ever just stood up to your mom and said, "Look, maybe I stay single, maybe I don't have kids, and I'm perfectly fine with that. If I'm happy, maybe you could try being happy for me"? Have you ever pointed out that they’re being selfish by forcing these expectations on you?
I mean, so what if you aren't always the most practical person in certain situations? Maybe they should just accept you for who you are. Maybe the fact that you try so hard to please them should be enough. You know, most people in your shoes would have just packed up and moved halfway across the country by now.

John Grant2 said:Hey,
thanks for getting back to me.

The whole house situation is actually a bit more complicated than it sounds. It’s not like I’m just dropping in for a few days and then vanishing. I’m using my entire vacation time to come home and be with my family because, honestly, I miss them like crazy and just need that time together (makes sense, right?).
Plus, I help out with the family business, so I’m definitely not totally checked out or sitting around doing nothing while I'm here. My parents aren't exactly tech-savvy—they don't really get computers or speak much English—so I basically run the whole show, both online and offline. But when it comes to the hands-on, physical stuff? Yeah, I'm pretty clueless about that part.

And regarding what you said about my mom putting up with me my whole life... yeah, I know. I know I can never truly repay her for everything she's done for me. I've already told her that once she gets tired of everything, she’s more than welcome to move in with me and let me take care of her, so I'm definitely not some ungrateful daughter just showing up to be pampered. In fact, I’m planning on renting a bigger apartment next year specifically with that in mind—making sure there's space for one more person if she ever decides to make the move. I know her life hasn't been easy, and I think living alone now isn't exactly a walk in the park for her either.

As for dating, where does it all go wrong? For instance, guys usually expect things to get intimate—you know, kissing, sex—after maybe two or three dates, especially since they aren't people I've known for long. For me, that feels super awkward. I just can't force myself into it, and it isn't even about whether I find them attractive or not; it's just that I don't feel like we actually *know* each other yet. Naturally, they get offended because they assume I'm just not into them, and that's usually where everything falls apart. They tell me I'm cold or distant... and hey, maybe from their perspective, that's true. Let's be real, though—sex is a huge part of intimacy, and I get that nobody wants to feel rejected. So, what am I looking for? Well, I'd love to just hang out with someone first and get to know them as a person. But again, everyone has different standards. When I try to explain this, people just tell me, "But we've known each other long enough after a couple of weeks!" I wish I could just go out casually for a month or two, talk, build up some trust, and feel comfortable enough to show someone my messy side. For me, feelings only kick in once I actually know someone. My past partners always argued the opposite, saying trust is built through intimacy and that sex is what brings people closer. I don't know who's right! And honestly, what does it matter if I know what I want if the other person isn't on the same page? Clearly, my criteria are "unrealistic" or there's just a major disconnect somewhere.

As for these irrational fears... I have no idea where they come from. I've had anxieties since I was a little kid, but they've really spiraled since I moved out on my own and started working. Before that, I felt way more carefree. Why is that? Who knows.

And it's not like I don't want marriage and kids—quite the opposite, I'd love that. I don't think anyone is really built to live completely alone, and I'm certainly not an exception. I just hope my post didn't come across like I'm some man-hater or someone who's against the idea of family.

If that's just how your sexuality works and you need more time to build trust and relax before being intimate, you should just accept that you might be demisexual. Just call it what it is to your partners without feeling guilty. That's just how you're wired.
And I'll let you in on a secret I haven't told anyone yet—I'm the same way. Even as a guy, it doesn't feel natural to me to hook up without really knowing a woman. I mean, I can if she's really working hard to turn me on, but most of the time it just won't happen—my body just won't respond... For me, talking and getting to know someone is the priority before sex; otherwise, I feel like I'm being pressured or even used, which isn't what I actually wanted. I struggled with this for a long time, and I still do sometimes, because you feel different from most people and start thinking you're not "normal"... but you just have that kind of sexuality, and you really have no choice but to embrace it and just live your life.

Honestly, wanting to move your mom in with you once she gets older... that's a really, really bad idea. Look, just make sure she’s totally set up to live out her golden years right where she is—surrounded by her friends and the life she actually enjoys. If she moves in with you, she'll probably spend all day nitpicking everything, you'll end up feeling constantly guilty, and if you ever bring a guy home, it's just going to be super awkward having your mom trailing behind you both...

Since you’re basically running the show on that part of the business they can't handle, I don't think you owe them anything in terms of vacationing together. Just tell them you seriously need a break and head wherever you want to relax—rent a cute little Airbnb in a nice spot and just enjoy yourself. Don't stress about it. You spend way too much time over-explaining yourself to everyone, including yourself... Seriously, who are you trying to answer to? You don't owe anyone an explanation for how you live your life or who you're attracted to, right...?

Copied from Wikipedia:
Demisexuality

The demisexual flag features gray to represent gray sexuality, white for sexuality, and purple, which usually stands for the community.
Demisexuality describes people who "may experience secondary sexual attraction after a close emotional connection has already formed." According to the Demisexual Resource Center, "Demisexuals are considered part of the asexual community because for the most part, they don’t feel sexual attraction. Many demisexuals are only attracted to a handful of people in their lifetimes, or even just one person. Many demisexuals are also uninterested in sex, so they have a lot in common with asexuals." Because everyone defines an "emotional bond" differently, demisexuality feels unique for everyone... Plus, people in the asexual spectrum often switch labels as they go, since identity can be pretty fluid. Demisexuals can have any romantic orientation—whether that's aromantic, gray-aromantic, or demiromantic—and they can also be heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, panromantic, or polyromantic.

The idea of demisexuality, or sexuality being tied to an emotional bond, is a huge theme in romance novels—sometimes even called "compulsory demisexuality." In fiction, there's this trope where sex is only truly amazing when the couple is deeply in love, a trait usually linked to female characters. That deep connection also tends to lead to more exclusivity. Demisexuals have gained more visibility through various asexual flags recently. It's worth noting that unlike some other asexuals, demisexuals don't necessarily have a low libido. Some have even compared demisexuality to heavy metal fandom, since so many lyrics focus on the necessity of romantic attraction. Another way to put it is that it "ensues from romantic attraction"... It's basically thought to stem from a fundamental need to feel that a partner is trustworthy.

You aren't spoiled at all!

I totally get why vacationing on an island like that would drive you crazy!
Since I’m the type who actually likes to live a little, I’d probably just spend a few days there before heading somewhere better nearby, then just pop back to visit them once in a while.
As long as you're handling the paperwork and the admin side of things, you've done your part; nobody needs to be an expert in every single detail.😉

If you're feeling guilty about being stingy, then just pay someone—like a contractor or a handyman—to fix something up at the house or work on the yard.
Setting money aside in a savings account for emergencies, travel, or just some random bullshit is just smart planning, so don't sweat it!

Your mom probably feels this massive pressure to see you married off and having kids; a lot of moms act like that's the only thing that matters.
Just tell her that once something real happens, you'll let her know, but until then, she needs to back off. Keep repeating it until she gets the hint.
She didn't "put up" with you out of obligation; she had you because she wanted to, so you don't owe her a lifetime of putting up with her nonsense!👍

It sounds like you’re feeling crushed by what your parents expect from you. Honestly—you should find a gentle way to let them know that while you love them and respect them, you also need your own life and social circle outside of the family.

John Grant2 said:Hey,
thanks for getting back to me.

The whole house situation is actually a bit more complicated than it sounds. It’s not like I’m just dropping in for a few days and then vanishing. I’m using my entire vacation time to come home and be with my family because, honestly, I miss them like crazy and just need that time together (makes sense, right?).
Plus, I help out with the family business, so I’m definitely not totally checked out or sitting around doing nothing while I'm here. My parents aren't exactly tech-savvy—they don't really get computers or speak much English—so I basically run the whole show, both online and offline. But when it comes to the hands-on, physical stuff? Yeah, I'm pretty clueless about that part.

And regarding what you said about my mom putting up with me my whole life... yeah, I know. I know I can never truly repay her for everything she's done for me. I've already told her that once she gets tired of everything, she’s more than welcome to move in with me and let me take care of her, so I'm definitely not some ungrateful daughter just showing up to be pampered. In fact, I’m planning on renting a bigger apartment next year specifically with that in mind—making sure there's space for one more person if she ever decides to make the move. I know her life hasn't been easy, and I think living alone now isn't exactly a walk in the park for her either.

As for dating, where does it all go wrong? For instance, guys usually expect things to get intimate—you know, kissing, sex—after maybe two or three dates, especially since they aren't people I've known for long. For me, that feels super awkward. I just can't force myself into it, and it isn't even about whether I find them attractive or not; it's just that I don't feel like we actually *know* each other yet. Naturally, they get offended because they assume I'm just not into them, and that's usually where everything falls apart. They tell me I'm cold or distant... and hey, maybe from their perspective, that's true. Let's be real, though—sex is a huge part of intimacy, and I get that nobody wants to feel rejected. So, what am I looking for? Well, I'd love to just hang out with someone first and get to know them as a person. But again, everyone has different standards. When I try to explain this, people just tell me, "But we've known each other long enough after a couple of weeks!" I wish I could just go out casually for a month or two, talk, build up some trust, and feel comfortable enough to show someone my messy side. For me, feelings only kick in once I actually know someone. My past partners always argued the opposite, saying trust is built through intimacy and that sex is what brings people closer. I don't know who's right! And honestly, what does it matter if I know what I want if the other person isn't on the same page? Clearly, my criteria are "unrealistic" or there's just a major disconnect somewhere.

As for these irrational fears... I have no idea where they come from. I've had anxieties since I was a little kid, but they've really spiraled since I moved out on my own and started working. Before that, I felt way more carefree. Why is that? Who knows.

And it's not like I don't want marriage and kids—quite the opposite, I'd love that. I don't think anyone is really built to live completely alone, and I'm certainly not an exception. I just hope my post didn't come across like I'm some man-hater or someone who's against the idea of family.

So you wait a couple of months before showing anyone your messy side? How does that actually work in real life? Are you basically playing the part of a perfect person for those two months, letting him fall for this idealized version of you, and then suddenly revealing the "real" you and offering some affection to soften the blow when he realizes he was misled? 😁

Look, sex does bring people closer; there's a purely hormonal component to that. That initial getting-to-know-you phase is meant for figuring out if you even want to be close to someone in the first place, not for falling head over heels for strangers. Real connection takes years of living life alongside someone. Everything else is just a hall of mirrors—exchanging projections and unnecessary drama that people indulge in when they have nothing better to do with their lives.

To put it bluntly, the guys were right, and you're not. That doesn't mean you should jump into bed on a first date, but it does mean you should try to view human relationships through a more realistic lens. As long as your own comfort is your top priority—as long as you aren't willing to take even a single step out of your comfort zone to meet someone halfway—building a relationship is going to be impossible. It’s like being so obsessed with saving water during a drought that you end up hating the whole world over it; it becomes pretty obvious why people might find you difficult to be around.

Your issue isn't a lack of confidence; it's that you're so hyper-focused on yourself that you can't see past your own backyard.

You mentioned living abroad, and maybe people there just feel a bit colder toward you? That kind of thing can make you feel pretty lost sometimes. As for the guy situation... honestly, it sounds like what you really need right now is a solid male friend, someone you can actually talk to. But do you even have a circle of friends at all? Friends, I mean. Regarding a boyfriend, my advice? Look for someone who mirrors your own path. You’d probably click best with someone who put their career first, too—someone who wasn't focused on dating until they had their professional life sorted out. You didn't list a bunch of requirements for this guy, though. Does he need to be a model? Does he need a certain salary? It's hard to tell how picky you're being. And about the sex aspect—I mean, most people use that to unwind, but if you found someone compatible right away, would that solve things? You didn't mention if you're the type who'd get a lot of attention if you did find someone after a few weeks. From what I gathered in your last sentence (correct me if I'm wrong), it seems like you've been so focused on building your career that you're only now turning your attention to dating once you're financially stable. And now it feels like a hurdle because you're approaching 30—which isn't old, obviously—but you see your girlfriends already married with kids, and you're starting from scratch. Is it all feeling a bit overwhelming since you haven't really done the whole relationship thing before? Like, you don't quite know the ropes yet? I'll say it again: find someone with a similar mindset.
I'm not sure what you do for a living, but it's wild to me that even the smallest bit of stress throws you off. How do you even manage that at work? Do you have a close friend you can vent to, or are you too worried about looking weak if you open up? Maybe some self-confidence exercises might help? It's hard to tell exactly how much you're struggling with self-esteem based on what you've said.

John Grant2 said:Sorry in advance if this turns into a massive novel! I don't really post on these forums much, so clearly, my social skills have taken a bit of a hit 😁

So, I’m creeping up on 30, and my question is pretty straightforward: how do I become a more independent, self-assured person—someone my family can actually lean on?
I honestly never thought I’d be asking something like this at my age, but my twenties just kind of slipped by without delivering that whole "confidence boost" everyone talks about.

I’m not even sure how to start this story without sounding like a total drama queen. My family thinks I’m exaggerating, and if I’m being totally honest with myself, I know there isn't some huge catastrophe happening. I truly appreciate everything I have because I worked my tail off to get here, with plenty of support from my family along the way. I try my best to be kind to everyone, but man, I lose my patience so easily. I definitely have my flaws. If you asked my family, they’d probably tell you I’m a little spoiled. I have a solid job working overseas, I support myself completely, but since I don't have a husband or kids, I basically spend my entire paycheck on myself. Once I started earning my own way, I’ll admit I got a lot more comfortable, and now I just don't have the stomach for things I used to put up with back when I was financially dependent on them.

Here’s a recent example for you. This year, I’m vacationing at a family house out in the middle of nowhere—like, a tiny coastal town where there’s zero infrastructure. No running water, no post office, no banks, nothing. I came out here because the whole family is gathering (my brother lives abroad too), which is the sweet part. But the downside? This place is incredibly boring for someone who's single. There aren't any restaurants to go out to or bars to hang at; it’s mostly just families with little kids or older couples looking for peace and quiet. For instance, this summer we ran out of water because we all converged on one spot and the local reservoir couldn't handle it. Now, my mom is constantly lecturing me about how we use too much water or how we take too many showers. The thing is, I’m just done dealing with that kind of nagging. Don't get me wrong, I’m used to living with limited resources and I’m not out here wasting gallons, but after a long day in this heat, I just want to be able to rinse off with some soap and water, you know?
Am I a bad person if I find myself wanting to avoid coming here just because of these practical headaches?
On the flip side, I feel this heavy sense of duty to help my mom since she’s out here alone. There’s no one else around to help her with the heavy lifting or fixing things, but then again, my help feels useless because I have no clue how anything works in a place like this. Everything here runs on handshakes and "knowing a guy," rather than actual services you can rely on. So, my mom ends up looking at me like I'm clueless because I don't understand the basic daily rhythms of life here. It's just that I live in a different world where things function differently, and being here makes me feel totally ineffective. Nothing I’m used to works here.
Basically, I come here to see my family, but all these logistical hiccups just drive me crazy.
Mom is deeply attached to this house because it’s where her parents were born, and she pours everything into it. But honestly? I couldn't care less about this place, mostly because of the hassle—the water issues, the limited grocery options, even trying to find a repairman through some random acquaintance. As she gets older, she stays longer because she loves it—gardening, yard work, all that stuff. I just don't share that enthusiasm. And when we run out of water and I have to wash up with a bottle or take a "shower" in the ocean, it just frustrates me. I’d love to just head home, but I know everyone would judge me and think I’m being selfish and only thinking of myself.

Another issue: my family keeps calling me stingy. I get why they say that, though, because I’m used to watching every single penny. Part of it is just how things work where I live; there isn't this big culture of constant group treats and splitting bills the way it might be common in other places. The other part is that I live alone—no spouse, no extra safety net—so I feel like I have to guard my money and manage it perfectly. I know I overdo it sometimes, but having that cushion gives me a sense of security, knowing I can afford things and have a backup plan. I realize I go overboard, but I can't explain to them that it isn't about being cheap; it's about anxiety. I always have this nagging thought that I'm out there on my own and nobody is going to step in to help me except myself. Because of that, I stress out about everything, including money. I struggle to just relax and enjoy life. Ever since I was a kid, I've had this work ethic drilled into me—this idea that I have to provide for myself. And look, it's true. I don't want to blame my parents because they gave me everything I needed to succeed, but I wish they understood that my "flaws" aren't because I'm a bad person; they stem from feeling insecure and needing to control everything. Why am I like this? Who knows. Maybe it's just my personality, or maybe it's the circumstances, because growing up, we dealt with some financial uncertainty. Even though we weren't struggling—we could afford piano lessons and all that—I still remember those tense moments when the mood would shift because we were worried about making it to the end of the month. We never lacked the basics, but the fear was always there. To me, an empty bank account felt like a wall closing in. That’s why I’ve always known I had to pull my own weight. The favorite saying in our house was that I wasn't born a princess with a monthly allowance to fund my "artistic pursuits." (By the way, writing is my hobby. I haven't turned it into a career, but I do it independently and it doesn't bother anyone!) The point is: find a good, steady job, stay independent, and don't rely on anyone else.

Now that I’ve finally hit that point of financial independence, I’m actually feeling more insecure about myself than ever before. It’s kind of wild, right?

I really wish I could just sit my family down and explain that some of my flaws aren't because I'm a "bad person," but more like reactions to everything I've been through. I don't think they actually view me as a bad person, per se, but it feels like they only ever see this surface-level version of who I am.

Then there's this third thing—I've never really brought a boyfriend home, nor have I had those long-term, serious relationships. My family thinks I've just blown all my chances or that I’m constantly rejecting people because my standards are way too high. And look, I get why it looks that way from the outside, but I feel like nobody truly understands what's going on inside my head... for instance, my mom sees it as romantic whenever I go out with a guy, even if he's just a friend. She’d never admit it, obviously, but I can tell by how she reacts. To her, every outing is basically a date. So when I stop seeing a guy after a few weeks, in her mind, it’s just because I rejected him for being "not good enough."

Writing this out makes it sound so silly, honestly. Like, as an adult, I know I shouldn't care so much about what people think of my life, but at the same time, I just want someone I can talk to—really talk to—as an equal. Especially now that I'm grown up and should be able to have these one-on-one, mature conversations with my parents or siblings.
I just feel like I can't talk to anyone like a real person.
And that leaves me feeling incredibly insecure.
I mean, I'll admit, I *am* pretty demanding in certain ways. Moving toward intimacy too quickly is a massive hurdle for me, and because of that, potential partners usually just give up and run the other way.

I try to please everyone, and I just fail. All this insecurity bleeds into my private life—I don't have a partner, let alone a marriage or kids. I don't even feel capable of being a mother or looking after someone else. I've been sweeping my personal life under the rug for years; it's basically the source of my biggest fears. I just don't feel like the type of woman men gravitate toward, and I struggle to provide that level of intimacy or physical connection that everyone seems to crave. I can't even fake it, you know? I tried, but guys can always smell the act. After a couple of dates, once they realize it isn't genuine, they either bail or start acting insecure themselves—thinking maybe they aren't attractive enough for me—which isn't even the issue. I just can't explain it to anyone. Everyone thinks I'm exaggerating, which I guess might be true in a way, but I can't help it. They act like intimacy is just this spontaneous thing that happens naturally between a man and a woman.

So, I just stopped dating. Honestly, I know my "setup" is complicated, and most people just want a partner to enjoy life with—sex, closeness, daily routines, small talk, all of it. I totally respect that, so I decided I wouldn't hold anyone back.

But truthfully, I have no idea what to do with myself.
Who can I talk to openly as an individual, without being judged through the lens of being a daughter, a girlfriend, or a lover?
Sometimes I feel guilty for even thinking this way because my family isn't bad at all, and I'd hate for anyone to think they're terrible based on what I'm saying. Maybe I'm the problem—for them and for myself. I just can't be this "superwoman" like my mom was, working herself to the bone every single day just to put food on the table. Any bit of stress just knocks me completely off balance, making me feel even more unsure of myself, and then the panic sets in. How do you even change at this stage of life? What am I supposed to do? Where do I find a safe space where I can just figure out who I actually am?

Taking care of yourself—earning your own way and spending it on your own needs—has nothing to do with being spoiled. You aren't being indulgent; you are simply acknowledging that you have provided yourself with a more comfortable life through your own efforts. Is that not true? Is there anything else? Money is earned for a purpose—to alleviate life's burdens and to afford those small luxuries that bring genuine joy and relaxation. After all, isn't that what wealth is truly for?

John Grant2 said:Sorry in advance if this turns into a massive novel! I don't really post on these forums much, so clearly, my social skills have taken a bit of a hit 😁

So, I’m creeping up on 30, and my question is pretty straightforward: how do I become a more independent, self-assured person—someone my family can actually lean on?
I honestly never thought I’d be asking something like this at my age, but my twenties just kind of slipped by without delivering that whole "confidence boost" everyone talks about.

I’m not even sure how to start this story without sounding like a total drama queen. My family thinks I’m exaggerating, and if I’m being totally honest with myself, I know there isn't some huge catastrophe happening. I truly appreciate everything I have because I worked my tail off to get here, with plenty of support from my family along the way. I try my best to be kind to everyone, but man, I lose my patience so easily. I definitely have my flaws. If you asked my family, they’d probably tell you I’m a little spoiled. I have a solid job working overseas, I support myself completely, but since I don't have a husband or kids, I basically spend my entire paycheck on myself. Once I started earning my own way, I’ll admit I got a lot more comfortable, and now I just don't have the stomach for things I used to put up with back when I was financially dependent on them.

Here’s a recent example for you. This year, I’m vacationing at a family house out in the middle of nowhere—like, a tiny coastal town where there’s zero infrastructure. No running water, no post office, no banks, nothing. I came out here because the whole family is gathering (my brother lives abroad too), which is the sweet part. But the downside? This place is incredibly boring for someone who's single. There aren't any restaurants to go out to or bars to hang at; it’s mostly just families with little kids or older couples looking for peace and quiet. For instance, this summer we ran out of water because we all converged on one spot and the local reservoir couldn't handle it. Now, my mom is constantly lecturing me about how we use too much water or how we take too many showers. The thing is, I’m just done dealing with that kind of nagging. Don't get me wrong, I’m used to living with limited resources and I’m not out here wasting gallons, but after a long day in this heat, I just want to be able to rinse off with some soap and water, you know?
Am I a bad person if I find myself wanting to avoid coming here just because of these practical headaches?
On the flip side, I feel this heavy sense of duty to help my mom since she’s out here alone. There’s no one else around to help her with the heavy lifting or fixing things, but then again, my help feels useless because I have no clue how anything works in a place like this. Everything here runs on handshakes and "knowing a guy," rather than actual services you can rely on. So, my mom ends up looking at me like I'm clueless because I don't understand the basic daily rhythms of life here. It's just that I live in a different world where things function differently, and being here makes me feel totally ineffective. Nothing I’m used to works here.
Basically, I come here to see my family, but all these logistical hiccups just drive me crazy.
Mom is deeply attached to this house because it’s where her parents were born, and she pours everything into it. But honestly? I couldn't care less about this place, mostly because of the hassle—the water issues, the limited grocery options, even trying to find a repairman through some random acquaintance. As she gets older, she stays longer because she loves it—gardening, yard work, all that stuff. I just don't share that enthusiasm. And when we run out of water and I have to wash up with a bottle or take a "shower" in the ocean, it just frustrates me. I’d love to just head home, but I know everyone would judge me and think I’m being selfish and only thinking of myself.

Another issue: my family keeps calling me stingy. I get why they say that, though, because I’m used to watching every single penny. Part of it is just how things work where I live; there isn't this big culture of constant group treats and splitting bills the way it might be common in other places. The other part is that I live alone—no spouse, no extra safety net—so I feel like I have to guard my money and manage it perfectly. I know I overdo it sometimes, but having that cushion gives me a sense of security, knowing I can afford things and have a backup plan. I realize I go overboard, but I can't explain to them that it isn't about being cheap; it's about anxiety. I always have this nagging thought that I'm out there on my own and nobody is going to step in to help me except myself. Because of that, I stress out about everything, including money. I struggle to just relax and enjoy life. Ever since I was a kid, I've had this work ethic drilled into me—this idea that I have to provide for myself. And look, it's true. I don't want to blame my parents because they gave me everything I needed to succeed, but I wish they understood that my "flaws" aren't because I'm a bad person; they stem from feeling insecure and needing to control everything. Why am I like this? Who knows. Maybe it's just my personality, or maybe it's the circumstances, because growing up, we dealt with some financial uncertainty. Even though we weren't struggling—we could afford piano lessons and all that—I still remember those tense moments when the mood would shift because we were worried about making it to the end of the month. We never lacked the basics, but the fear was always there. To me, an empty bank account felt like a wall closing in. That’s why I’ve always known I had to pull my own weight. The favorite saying in our house was that I wasn't born a princess with a monthly allowance to fund my "artistic pursuits." (By the way, writing is my hobby. I haven't turned it into a career, but I do it independently and it doesn't bother anyone!) The point is: find a good, steady job, stay independent, and don't rely on anyone else.

Now that I’ve finally hit that point of financial independence, I’m actually feeling more insecure about myself than ever before. It’s kind of wild, right?

I really wish I could just sit my family down and explain that some of my flaws aren't because I'm a "bad person," but more like reactions to everything I've been through. I don't think they actually view me as a bad person, per se, but it feels like they only ever see this surface-level version of who I am.

Then there's this third thing—I've never really brought a boyfriend home, nor have I had those long-term, serious relationships. My family thinks I've just blown all my chances or that I’m constantly rejecting people because my standards are way too high. And look, I get why it looks that way from the outside, but I feel like nobody truly understands what's going on inside my head... for instance, my mom sees it as romantic whenever I go out with a guy, even if he's just a friend. She’d never admit it, obviously, but I can tell by how she reacts. To her, every outing is basically a date. So when I stop seeing a guy after a few weeks, in her mind, it’s just because I rejected him for being "not good enough."

Writing this out makes it sound so silly, honestly. Like, as an adult, I know I shouldn't care so much about what people think of my life, but at the same time, I just want someone I can talk to—really talk to—as an equal. Especially now that I'm grown up and should be able to have these one-on-one, mature conversations with my parents or siblings.
I just feel like I can't talk to anyone like a real person.
And that leaves me feeling incredibly insecure.
I mean, I'll admit, I *am* pretty demanding in certain ways. Moving toward intimacy too quickly is a massive hurdle for me, and because of that, potential partners usually just give up and run the other way.

I try to please everyone, and I just fail. All this insecurity bleeds into my private life—I don't have a partner, let alone a marriage or kids. I don't even feel capable of being a mother or looking after someone else. I've been sweeping my personal life under the rug for years; it's basically the source of my biggest fears. I just don't feel like the type of woman men gravitate toward, and I struggle to provide that level of intimacy or physical connection that everyone seems to crave. I can't even fake it, you know? I tried, but guys can always smell the act. After a couple of dates, once they realize it isn't genuine, they either bail or start acting insecure themselves—thinking maybe they aren't attractive enough for me—which isn't even the issue. I just can't explain it to anyone. Everyone thinks I'm exaggerating, which I guess might be true in a way, but I can't help it. They act like intimacy is just this spontaneous thing that happens naturally between a man and a woman.

So, I just stopped dating. Honestly, I know my "setup" is complicated, and most people just want a partner to enjoy life with—sex, closeness, daily routines, small talk, all of it. I totally respect that, so I decided I wouldn't hold anyone back.

But truthfully, I have no idea what to do with myself.
Who can I talk to openly as an individual, without being judged through the lens of being a daughter, a girlfriend, or a lover?
Sometimes I feel guilty for even thinking this way because my family isn't bad at all, and I'd hate for anyone to think they're terrible based on what I'm saying. Maybe I'm the problem—for them and for myself. I just can't be this "superwoman" like my mom was, working herself to the bone every single day just to put food on the table. Any bit of stress just knocks me completely off balance, making me feel even more unsure of myself, and then the panic sets in. How do you even change at this stage of life? What am I supposed to do? Where do I find a safe space where I can just figure out who I actually am?

You aren't obligated to satisfy everyone's every whim—is that not true? As someone once told me, you should prioritize your own people and offer them support. Be present as long as you truly wish—so they can see you, and you can see them—but please, know when to walk away. If it becomes overwhelming, cut it short. Go somewhere where you can actually find some peace and happiness—why endure something that simply doesn't sit right with you?

John Grant2 said:Sorry in advance if this turns into a massive novel! I don't really post on these forums much, so clearly, my social skills have taken a bit of a hit 😁

So, I’m creeping up on 30, and my question is pretty straightforward: how do I become a more independent, self-assured person—someone my family can actually lean on?
I honestly never thought I’d be asking something like this at my age, but my twenties just kind of slipped by without delivering that whole "confidence boost" everyone talks about.

I’m not even sure how to start this story without sounding like a total drama queen. My family thinks I’m exaggerating, and if I’m being totally honest with myself, I know there isn't some huge catastrophe happening. I truly appreciate everything I have because I worked my tail off to get here, with plenty of support from my family along the way. I try my best to be kind to everyone, but man, I lose my patience so easily. I definitely have my flaws. If you asked my family, they’d probably tell you I’m a little spoiled. I have a solid job working overseas, I support myself completely, but since I don't have a husband or kids, I basically spend my entire paycheck on myself. Once I started earning my own way, I’ll admit I got a lot more comfortable, and now I just don't have the stomach for things I used to put up with back when I was financially dependent on them.

Here’s a recent example for you. This year, I’m vacationing at a family house out in the middle of nowhere—like, a tiny coastal town where there’s zero infrastructure. No running water, no post office, no banks, nothing. I came out here because the whole family is gathering (my brother lives abroad too), which is the sweet part. But the downside? This place is incredibly boring for someone who's single. There aren't any restaurants to go out to or bars to hang at; it’s mostly just families with little kids or older couples looking for peace and quiet. For instance, this summer we ran out of water because we all converged on one spot and the local reservoir couldn't handle it. Now, my mom is constantly lecturing me about how we use too much water or how we take too many showers. The thing is, I’m just done dealing with that kind of nagging. Don't get me wrong, I’m used to living with limited resources and I’m not out here wasting gallons, but after a long day in this heat, I just want to be able to rinse off with some soap and water, you know?
Am I a bad person if I find myself wanting to avoid coming here just because of these practical headaches?
On the flip side, I feel this heavy sense of duty to help my mom since she’s out here alone. There’s no one else around to help her with the heavy lifting or fixing things, but then again, my help feels useless because I have no clue how anything works in a place like this. Everything here runs on handshakes and "knowing a guy," rather than actual services you can rely on. So, my mom ends up looking at me like I'm clueless because I don't understand the basic daily rhythms of life here. It's just that I live in a different world where things function differently, and being here makes me feel totally ineffective. Nothing I’m used to works here.
Basically, I come here to see my family, but all these logistical hiccups just drive me crazy.
Mom is deeply attached to this house because it’s where her parents were born, and she pours everything into it. But honestly? I couldn't care less about this place, mostly because of the hassle—the water issues, the limited grocery options, even trying to find a repairman through some random acquaintance. As she gets older, she stays longer because she loves it—gardening, yard work, all that stuff. I just don't share that enthusiasm. And when we run out of water and I have to wash up with a bottle or take a "shower" in the ocean, it just frustrates me. I’d love to just head home, but I know everyone would judge me and think I’m being selfish and only thinking of myself.

Another issue: my family keeps calling me stingy. I get why they say that, though, because I’m used to watching every single penny. Part of it is just how things work where I live; there isn't this big culture of constant group treats and splitting bills the way it might be common in other places. The other part is that I live alone—no spouse, no extra safety net—so I feel like I have to guard my money and manage it perfectly. I know I overdo it sometimes, but having that cushion gives me a sense of security, knowing I can afford things and have a backup plan. I realize I go overboard, but I can't explain to them that it isn't about being cheap; it's about anxiety. I always have this nagging thought that I'm out there on my own and nobody is going to step in to help me except myself. Because of that, I stress out about everything, including money. I struggle to just relax and enjoy life. Ever since I was a kid, I've had this work ethic drilled into me—this idea that I have to provide for myself. And look, it's true. I don't want to blame my parents because they gave me everything I needed to succeed, but I wish they understood that my "flaws" aren't because I'm a bad person; they stem from feeling insecure and needing to control everything. Why am I like this? Who knows. Maybe it's just my personality, or maybe it's the circumstances, because growing up, we dealt with some financial uncertainty. Even though we weren't struggling—we could afford piano lessons and all that—I still remember those tense moments when the mood would shift because we were worried about making it to the end of the month. We never lacked the basics, but the fear was always there. To me, an empty bank account felt like a wall closing in. That’s why I’ve always known I had to pull my own weight. The favorite saying in our house was that I wasn't born a princess with a monthly allowance to fund my "artistic pursuits." (By the way, writing is my hobby. I haven't turned it into a career, but I do it independently and it doesn't bother anyone!) The point is: find a good, steady job, stay independent, and don't rely on anyone else.

Now that I’ve finally hit that point of financial independence, I’m actually feeling more insecure about myself than ever before. It’s kind of wild, right?

I really wish I could just sit my family down and explain that some of my flaws aren't because I'm a "bad person," but more like reactions to everything I've been through. I don't think they actually view me as a bad person, per se, but it feels like they only ever see this surface-level version of who I am.

Then there's this third thing—I've never really brought a boyfriend home, nor have I had those long-term, serious relationships. My family thinks I've just blown all my chances or that I’m constantly rejecting people because my standards are way too high. And look, I get why it looks that way from the outside, but I feel like nobody truly understands what's going on inside my head... for instance, my mom sees it as romantic whenever I go out with a guy, even if he's just a friend. She’d never admit it, obviously, but I can tell by how she reacts. To her, every outing is basically a date. So when I stop seeing a guy after a few weeks, in her mind, it’s just because I rejected him for being "not good enough."

Writing this out makes it sound so silly, honestly. Like, as an adult, I know I shouldn't care so much about what people think of my life, but at the same time, I just want someone I can talk to—really talk to—as an equal. Especially now that I'm grown up and should be able to have these one-on-one, mature conversations with my parents or siblings.
I just feel like I can't talk to anyone like a real person.
And that leaves me feeling incredibly insecure.
I mean, I'll admit, I *am* pretty demanding in certain ways. Moving toward intimacy too quickly is a massive hurdle for me, and because of that, potential partners usually just give up and run the other way.

I try to please everyone, and I just fail. All this insecurity bleeds into my private life—I don't have a partner, let alone a marriage or kids. I don't even feel capable of being a mother or looking after someone else. I've been sweeping my personal life under the rug for years; it's basically the source of my biggest fears. I just don't feel like the type of woman men gravitate toward, and I struggle to provide that level of intimacy or physical connection that everyone seems to crave. I can't even fake it, you know? I tried, but guys can always smell the act. After a couple of dates, once they realize it isn't genuine, they either bail or start acting insecure themselves—thinking maybe they aren't attractive enough for me—which isn't even the issue. I just can't explain it to anyone. Everyone thinks I'm exaggerating, which I guess might be true in a way, but I can't help it. They act like intimacy is just this spontaneous thing that happens naturally between a man and a woman.

So, I just stopped dating. Honestly, I know my "setup" is complicated, and most people just want a partner to enjoy life with—sex, closeness, daily routines, small talk, all of it. I totally respect that, so I decided I wouldn't hold anyone back.

But truthfully, I have no idea what to do with myself.
Who can I talk to openly as an individual, without being judged through the lens of being a daughter, a girlfriend, or a lover?
Sometimes I feel guilty for even thinking this way because my family isn't bad at all, and I'd hate for anyone to think they're terrible based on what I'm saying. Maybe I'm the problem—for them and for myself. I just can't be this "superwoman" like my mom was, working herself to the bone every single day just to put food on the table. Any bit of stress just knocks me completely off balance, making me feel even more unsure of myself, and then the panic sets in. How do you even change at this stage of life? What am I supposed to do? Where do I find a safe space where I can just figure out who I actually am?

Your approach to finances is actually quite rational. You are mindful of your money—you don't want to waste it—and that isn't the same thing as being stingy. Stinginess would imply refusing to pay for anything, even for yourself or others, just to hoard cash; that simply makes no sense. Having a sense of financial security is a wonderful feeling, and it isn't something you should feel guilty about.

John Grant2 said:Sorry in advance if this turns into a massive novel! I don't really post on these forums much, so clearly, my social skills have taken a bit of a hit 😁

So, I’m creeping up on 30, and my question is pretty straightforward: how do I become a more independent, self-assured person—someone my family can actually lean on?
I honestly never thought I’d be asking something like this at my age, but my twenties just kind of slipped by without delivering that whole "confidence boost" everyone talks about.

I’m not even sure how to start this story without sounding like a total drama queen. My family thinks I’m exaggerating, and if I’m being totally honest with myself, I know there isn't some huge catastrophe happening. I truly appreciate everything I have because I worked my tail off to get here, with plenty of support from my family along the way. I try my best to be kind to everyone, but man, I lose my patience so easily. I definitely have my flaws. If you asked my family, they’d probably tell you I’m a little spoiled. I have a solid job working overseas, I support myself completely, but since I don't have a husband or kids, I basically spend my entire paycheck on myself. Once I started earning my own way, I’ll admit I got a lot more comfortable, and now I just don't have the stomach for things I used to put up with back when I was financially dependent on them.

Here’s a recent example for you. This year, I’m vacationing at a family house out in the middle of nowhere—like, a tiny coastal town where there’s zero infrastructure. No running water, no post office, no banks, nothing. I came out here because the whole family is gathering (my brother lives abroad too), which is the sweet part. But the downside? This place is incredibly boring for someone who's single. There aren't any restaurants to go out to or bars to hang at; it’s mostly just families with little kids or older couples looking for peace and quiet. For instance, this summer we ran out of water because we all converged on one spot and the local reservoir couldn't handle it. Now, my mom is constantly lecturing me about how we use too much water or how we take too many showers. The thing is, I’m just done dealing with that kind of nagging. Don't get me wrong, I’m used to living with limited resources and I’m not out here wasting gallons, but after a long day in this heat, I just want to be able to rinse off with some soap and water, you know?
Am I a bad person if I find myself wanting to avoid coming here just because of these practical headaches?
On the flip side, I feel this heavy sense of duty to help my mom since she’s out here alone. There’s no one else around to help her with the heavy lifting or fixing things, but then again, my help feels useless because I have no clue how anything works in a place like this. Everything here runs on handshakes and "knowing a guy," rather than actual services you can rely on. So, my mom ends up looking at me like I'm clueless because I don't understand the basic daily rhythms of life here. It's just that I live in a different world where things function differently, and being here makes me feel totally ineffective. Nothing I’m used to works here.
Basically, I come here to see my family, but all these logistical hiccups just drive me crazy.
Mom is deeply attached to this house because it’s where her parents were born, and she pours everything into it. But honestly? I couldn't care less about this place, mostly because of the hassle—the water issues, the limited grocery options, even trying to find a repairman through some random acquaintance. As she gets older, she stays longer because she loves it—gardening, yard work, all that stuff. I just don't share that enthusiasm. And when we run out of water and I have to wash up with a bottle or take a "shower" in the ocean, it just frustrates me. I’d love to just head home, but I know everyone would judge me and think I’m being selfish and only thinking of myself.

Another issue: my family keeps calling me stingy. I get why they say that, though, because I’m used to watching every single penny. Part of it is just how things work where I live; there isn't this big culture of constant group treats and splitting bills the way it might be common in other places. The other part is that I live alone—no spouse, no extra safety net—so I feel like I have to guard my money and manage it perfectly. I know I overdo it sometimes, but having that cushion gives me a sense of security, knowing I can afford things and have a backup plan. I realize I go overboard, but I can't explain to them that it isn't about being cheap; it's about anxiety. I always have this nagging thought that I'm out there on my own and nobody is going to step in to help me except myself. Because of that, I stress out about everything, including money. I struggle to just relax and enjoy life. Ever since I was a kid, I've had this work ethic drilled into me—this idea that I have to provide for myself. And look, it's true. I don't want to blame my parents because they gave me everything I needed to succeed, but I wish they understood that my "flaws" aren't because I'm a bad person; they stem from feeling insecure and needing to control everything. Why am I like this? Who knows. Maybe it's just my personality, or maybe it's the circumstances, because growing up, we dealt with some financial uncertainty. Even though we weren't struggling—we could afford piano lessons and all that—I still remember those tense moments when the mood would shift because we were worried about making it to the end of the month. We never lacked the basics, but the fear was always there. To me, an empty bank account felt like a wall closing in. That’s why I’ve always known I had to pull my own weight. The favorite saying in our house was that I wasn't born a princess with a monthly allowance to fund my "artistic pursuits." (By the way, writing is my hobby. I haven't turned it into a career, but I do it independently and it doesn't bother anyone!) The point is: find a good, steady job, stay independent, and don't rely on anyone else.

Now that I’ve finally hit that point of financial independence, I’m actually feeling more insecure about myself than ever before. It’s kind of wild, right?

I really wish I could just sit my family down and explain that some of my flaws aren't because I'm a "bad person," but more like reactions to everything I've been through. I don't think they actually view me as a bad person, per se, but it feels like they only ever see this surface-level version of who I am.

Then there's this third thing—I've never really brought a boyfriend home, nor have I had those long-term, serious relationships. My family thinks I've just blown all my chances or that I’m constantly rejecting people because my standards are way too high. And look, I get why it looks that way from the outside, but I feel like nobody truly understands what's going on inside my head... for instance, my mom sees it as romantic whenever I go out with a guy, even if he's just a friend. She’d never admit it, obviously, but I can tell by how she reacts. To her, every outing is basically a date. So when I stop seeing a guy after a few weeks, in her mind, it’s just because I rejected him for being "not good enough."

Writing this out makes it sound so silly, honestly. Like, as an adult, I know I shouldn't care so much about what people think of my life, but at the same time, I just want someone I can talk to—really talk to—as an equal. Especially now that I'm grown up and should be able to have these one-on-one, mature conversations with my parents or siblings.
I just feel like I can't talk to anyone like a real person.
And that leaves me feeling incredibly insecure.
I mean, I'll admit, I *am* pretty demanding in certain ways. Moving toward intimacy too quickly is a massive hurdle for me, and because of that, potential partners usually just give up and run the other way.

I try to please everyone, and I just fail. All this insecurity bleeds into my private life—I don't have a partner, let alone a marriage or kids. I don't even feel capable of being a mother or looking after someone else. I've been sweeping my personal life under the rug for years; it's basically the source of my biggest fears. I just don't feel like the type of woman men gravitate toward, and I struggle to provide that level of intimacy or physical connection that everyone seems to crave. I can't even fake it, you know? I tried, but guys can always smell the act. After a couple of dates, once they realize it isn't genuine, they either bail or start acting insecure themselves—thinking maybe they aren't attractive enough for me—which isn't even the issue. I just can't explain it to anyone. Everyone thinks I'm exaggerating, which I guess might be true in a way, but I can't help it. They act like intimacy is just this spontaneous thing that happens naturally between a man and a woman.

So, I just stopped dating. Honestly, I know my "setup" is complicated, and most people just want a partner to enjoy life with—sex, closeness, daily routines, small talk, all of it. I totally respect that, so I decided I wouldn't hold anyone back.

But truthfully, I have no idea what to do with myself.
Who can I talk to openly as an individual, without being judged through the lens of being a daughter, a girlfriend, or a lover?
Sometimes I feel guilty for even thinking this way because my family isn't bad at all, and I'd hate for anyone to think they're terrible based on what I'm saying. Maybe I'm the problem—for them and for myself. I just can't be this "superwoman" like my mom was, working herself to the bone every single day just to put food on the table. Any bit of stress just knocks me completely off balance, making me feel even more unsure of myself, and then the panic sets in. How do you even change at this stage of life? What am I supposed to do? Where do I find a safe space where I can just figure out who I actually am?

Just don't force yourself to be someone you aren't. If you do, you won't build a successful relationship; eventually, your true self will emerge, and everything will fall apart. Therefore, be yourself and act in the way that feels most comfortable to you. You don't owe anyone anything. Furthermore, people who engage in intimacy after only one or two dates aren't necessarily in happy relationships at your age. They might face the exact same struggles; it doesn't always correlate. Surely there are men out there with whom you will click—men who will actually understand you.

John Grant2 said:Sorry in advance if this turns into a massive novel! I don't really post on these forums much, so clearly, my social skills have taken a bit of a hit 😁

So, I’m creeping up on 30, and my question is pretty straightforward: how do I become a more independent, self-assured person—someone my family can actually lean on?
I honestly never thought I’d be asking something like this at my age, but my twenties just kind of slipped by without delivering that whole "confidence boost" everyone talks about.

I’m not even sure how to start this story without sounding like a total drama queen. My family thinks I’m exaggerating, and if I’m being totally honest with myself, I know there isn't some huge catastrophe happening. I truly appreciate everything I have because I worked my tail off to get here, with plenty of support from my family along the way. I try my best to be kind to everyone, but man, I lose my patience so easily. I definitely have my flaws. If you asked my family, they’d probably tell you I’m a little spoiled. I have a solid job working overseas, I support myself completely, but since I don't have a husband or kids, I basically spend my entire paycheck on myself. Once I started earning my own way, I’ll admit I got a lot more comfortable, and now I just don't have the stomach for things I used to put up with back when I was financially dependent on them.

Here’s a recent example for you. This year, I’m vacationing at a family house out in the middle of nowhere—like, a tiny coastal town where there’s zero infrastructure. No running water, no post office, no banks, nothing. I came out here because the whole family is gathering (my brother lives abroad too), which is the sweet part. But the downside? This place is incredibly boring for someone who's single. There aren't any restaurants to go out to or bars to hang at; it’s mostly just families with little kids or older couples looking for peace and quiet. For instance, this summer we ran out of water because we all converged on one spot and the local reservoir couldn't handle it. Now, my mom is constantly lecturing me about how we use too much water or how we take too many showers. The thing is, I’m just done dealing with that kind of nagging. Don't get me wrong, I’m used to living with limited resources and I’m not out here wasting gallons, but after a long day in this heat, I just want to be able to rinse off with some soap and water, you know?
Am I a bad person if I find myself wanting to avoid coming here just because of these practical headaches?
On the flip side, I feel this heavy sense of duty to help my mom since she’s out here alone. There’s no one else around to help her with the heavy lifting or fixing things, but then again, my help feels useless because I have no clue how anything works in a place like this. Everything here runs on handshakes and "knowing a guy," rather than actual services you can rely on. So, my mom ends up looking at me like I'm clueless because I don't understand the basic daily rhythms of life here. It's just that I live in a different world where things function differently, and being here makes me feel totally ineffective. Nothing I’m used to works here.
Basically, I come here to see my family, but all these logistical hiccups just drive me crazy.
Mom is deeply attached to this house because it’s where her parents were born, and she pours everything into it. But honestly? I couldn't care less about this place, mostly because of the hassle—the water issues, the limited grocery options, even trying to find a repairman through some random acquaintance. As she gets older, she stays longer because she loves it—gardening, yard work, all that stuff. I just don't share that enthusiasm. And when we run out of water and I have to wash up with a bottle or take a "shower" in the ocean, it just frustrates me. I’d love to just head home, but I know everyone would judge me and think I’m being selfish and only thinking of myself.

Another issue: my family keeps calling me stingy. I get why they say that, though, because I’m used to watching every single penny. Part of it is just how things work where I live; there isn't this big culture of constant group treats and splitting bills the way it might be common in other places. The other part is that I live alone—no spouse, no extra safety net—so I feel like I have to guard my money and manage it perfectly. I know I overdo it sometimes, but having that cushion gives me a sense of security, knowing I can afford things and have a backup plan. I realize I go overboard, but I can't explain to them that it isn't about being cheap; it's about anxiety. I always have this nagging thought that I'm out there on my own and nobody is going to step in to help me except myself. Because of that, I stress out about everything, including money. I struggle to just relax and enjoy life. Ever since I was a kid, I've had this work ethic drilled into me—this idea that I have to provide for myself. And look, it's true. I don't want to blame my parents because they gave me everything I needed to succeed, but I wish they understood that my "flaws" aren't because I'm a bad person; they stem from feeling insecure and needing to control everything. Why am I like this? Who knows. Maybe it's just my personality, or maybe it's the circumstances, because growing up, we dealt with some financial uncertainty. Even though we weren't struggling—we could afford piano lessons and all that—I still remember those tense moments when the mood would shift because we were worried about making it to the end of the month. We never lacked the basics, but the fear was always there. To me, an empty bank account felt like a wall closing in. That’s why I’ve always known I had to pull my own weight. The favorite saying in our house was that I wasn't born a princess with a monthly allowance to fund my "artistic pursuits." (By the way, writing is my hobby. I haven't turned it into a career, but I do it independently and it doesn't bother anyone!) The point is: find a good, steady job, stay independent, and don't rely on anyone else.

Now that I’ve finally hit that point of financial independence, I’m actually feeling more insecure about myself than ever before. It’s kind of wild, right?

I really wish I could just sit my family down and explain that some of my flaws aren't because I'm a "bad person," but more like reactions to everything I've been through. I don't think they actually view me as a bad person, per se, but it feels like they only ever see this surface-level version of who I am.

Then there's this third thing—I've never really brought a boyfriend home, nor have I had those long-term, serious relationships. My family thinks I've just blown all my chances or that I’m constantly rejecting people because my standards are way too high. And look, I get why it looks that way from the outside, but I feel like nobody truly understands what's going on inside my head... for instance, my mom sees it as romantic whenever I go out with a guy, even if he's just a friend. She’d never admit it, obviously, but I can tell by how she reacts. To her, every outing is basically a date. So when I stop seeing a guy after a few weeks, in her mind, it’s just because I rejected him for being "not good enough."

Writing this out makes it sound so silly, honestly. Like, as an adult, I know I shouldn't care so much about what people think of my life, but at the same time, I just want someone I can talk to—really talk to—as an equal. Especially now that I'm grown up and should be able to have these one-on-one, mature conversations with my parents or siblings.
I just feel like I can't talk to anyone like a real person.
And that leaves me feeling incredibly insecure.
I mean, I'll admit, I *am* pretty demanding in certain ways. Moving toward intimacy too quickly is a massive hurdle for me, and because of that, potential partners usually just give up and run the other way.

I try to please everyone, and I just fail. All this insecurity bleeds into my private life—I don't have a partner, let alone a marriage or kids. I don't even feel capable of being a mother or looking after someone else. I've been sweeping my personal life under the rug for years; it's basically the source of my biggest fears. I just don't feel like the type of woman men gravitate toward, and I struggle to provide that level of intimacy or physical connection that everyone seems to crave. I can't even fake it, you know? I tried, but guys can always smell the act. After a couple of dates, once they realize it isn't genuine, they either bail or start acting insecure themselves—thinking maybe they aren't attractive enough for me—which isn't even the issue. I just can't explain it to anyone. Everyone thinks I'm exaggerating, which I guess might be true in a way, but I can't help it. They act like intimacy is just this spontaneous thing that happens naturally between a man and a woman.

So, I just stopped dating. Honestly, I know my "setup" is complicated, and most people just want a partner to enjoy life with—sex, closeness, daily routines, small talk, all of it. I totally respect that, so I decided I wouldn't hold anyone back.

But truthfully, I have no idea what to do with myself.
Who can I talk to openly as an individual, without being judged through the lens of being a daughter, a girlfriend, or a lover?
Sometimes I feel guilty for even thinking this way because my family isn't bad at all, and I'd hate for anyone to think they're terrible based on what I'm saying. Maybe I'm the problem—for them and for myself. I just can't be this "superwoman" like my mom was, working herself to the bone every single day just to put food on the table. Any bit of stress just knocks me completely off balance, making me feel even more unsure of myself, and then the panic sets in. How do you even change at this stage of life? What am I supposed to do? Where do I find a safe space where I can just figure out who I actually am?

You are far too hard on yourself—constantly listing your flaws and insisting that you are the source of the problem—while simultaneously insisting you aren't ungrateful for everything you possess. In truth, the issue lies within your original title: self-confidence.
You are an independent woman carving out your own path; what you have accomplished thus far is a significant success. Surely there are many other areas of your life where you can find reason to be proud? By fixating on the imperfections, you are simply preventing yourself from building that necessary confidence. Focus instead on the positive—on your achievements and your strengths. You must advocate for yourself and believe in your own worth—in every arena, whether it be family, friends, your career, or your relationships...

Let me offer one very straightforward solution for a single issue—do not endure a lack of water; simply pull out your wallet and buy a water tank. You have the funds, as you mentioned—so you can shower in peace, and frankly, it will be a relief to everyone else too.

Furthermore, I believe it is entirely reasonable to first establish whether you are actually friends with someone before attempting to build any sexual components upon that foundation.

Now, personally, I tend to involve sex quite rapidly because that is what works for me—however, the reality remains that I still do not truly know the person. For a genuine connection to develop, one requires time—not just for time to pass, but specifically for quality time spent together and, more importantly, the depth of the topics discussed. Movies and music certainly do not provide a way to test how well you actually mesh with someone.

So, please, consider what is being said here. If the conversation is hollow, it is hardly surprising that you aren't feeling anything intellectually.

If they haven't made a move on you immediately—if they haven't approached you—then you are operating on a different wavelength, and that is perfectly acceptable.

There is something perhaps worth reminding ourselves of: when you tell someone you "like" them, what you are actually saying is, "I like what I have encountered so far." The same applies to saying "I love you." People love to interpret those phrases as an acceptance of a "complete being" in their entirety, but it is truly impossible to "know a person" in just a few months; at most, you can only "know a person as they exist in this specific moment."

Just as a reminder—even if you spend years in wonderful companionship with someone, you still do not know them completely—though I sincerely hope that after such time, you know them quite well. What I mean is, you have not seen that person in every possible situation, nor have you seen yourself in every possible situation, nor observed how you both react together under all circumstances.
Some people never truly connect even after thirty years; others bond within a matter of weeks.

And if you stop placing the burden on yourself of "I must first fully know someone," and instead simply see if you need an introduction rather than needing to know a "whole person"—or perhaps more precisely, that someone needs to pass certain internal tests of yours, which requires time. However, if you truly hit it off, you can move through those tests very quickly; you don't necessarily need years.

Proceed at whatever pace suits you, and if you wish to try something different, then by all means, try it.

Intimacy does indeed occur through sex. However, it is also true that for many, the experience of that person will diminish significantly after sex—especially once you realize they are selfish, monotonous, or uninterested in you.

For instance, that has become my own reason for being perfectly fine with sleeping with someone attractive quite early—it is so that I do not harbor delusions about who they are, but rather use the bedroom as a testing ground. There is as much bad sex out there as there is mud. But, there is also good sex; and when you encounter someone for whom you are a goddess, and to whom you give equal devotion, in that moment, everything else in ordinary life seems to fall into place, and you find yourself wanting to spend more time with them. It becomes entirely natural to want to be together, so if you do not feel that pull, do not force it; you will recognize it when it happens.😉

And one more thing: try not to present yourself in a "better light." There is absolutely no need for acting; just be who you are, with all your joys and your fears. The person you truly click with will celebrate with you and offer you a shoulder to lean on, and you will do the same for them.