Posts by Emily Rivera45

darkjackal7 said:You’re spot on.
He did mention something about avoiding certain paths because the risk of disappointing himself or others might drive him to the brink of self-destruction.

Personally, I don't think his username is half bad, but why waste time guessing? Let's just put him on the spot.

@ Emily Rivera45, are you actually an artist, or is it just a feeling?

descender said:You’re either predicting reality or manifesting it. Run, you impure soul!😲

Well, yeah. Exactly. Even saying "let's just hope" isn't meant to be provocative—it's just gathering data for...

How could it even be possible... in some parallel universe... that you all cooked up this whole debate about my artistic talent using nothing but your own imaginations? Only for it to turn out I'm not an artist at all? No way... ☕

darkjackal7 said:The truth is, you’re actually having a blast being alone with your self, yet your biggest fear is losing your audience. Oh, right... the massive ego inherent in every artist.
Honestly, maybe everyone *should* give up on you; otherwise, you’ll never learn to clean up your own mess.
It isn't some dramatic curtain call where you’re left standing alone on a Broadway stage, playing out some theatrical fantasy. It’s about cleaning up your own shit.
Damn, it really makes a person want to throw in the towel when they realize their suffering isn't being recognized as some profound, original artistic expression.
I'm not surprised you're depressed.
Being alone is perfect. That’s when it becomes a binary: you either exist, or you don't. If you can't impress your own self, you aren't impressing anyone.
That seems to be the core of it.
Is that what you're actually terrified of?

Fears have this incredible tendency to manifest. And honestly, being terrified isn't a bad thing. It can be a healing experience, truly. Because that's when, and only then, all the masks finally fall away.

I'm trying to follow your drift... just out of curiosity, where did you pick up all that experience? Have you been on this same path before, or something similar...?

What would you suggest... if I wanted to just step away from everything for a while...?

Jose Ward4... said:When a guy gets sick... especially when it hits his head. You just never know what else might be spinning around in there...

Jose Ward4... said:Maybe that’s how it looks to some, but believe me, I said this to myself in a perfectly calm tone... The reality is that some people are just born predisposed to evil. They're simply built that way. You could provide the most perfect upbringing imaginable, but if it’s impossible to fix them, they'll still find a way to screw you over. It shows right from the start. Some individuals are just naturally inclined toward crime and other darkness. There are people who crave hurting others, regardless of their environment or how they were raised. You can have the best parents in America, but a person can still turn out to be a psychopath... That's why I called him mentally ill. Who knows what else he's capable of, or what actually goes on in his head... I'm telling you, even with the best parents in the world, someone can still end up a psychopath...

I am truly done with all this constant finger-pointing. Malicious? Where exactly? Point to one single post where I was ever being malicious... And then take a look at what some of you people say to me here, or even the private messages I get from certain patients. I choose to stay quiet and ignore it all politely, yet somehow I’m the one labeled as the villain... Maybe I am emotionally unstable, but if I decide to walk away, I'll do it quietly without causing anyone trouble. You all act like parasites, constantly tearing things down, which is exactly why society is so broken... It’s driven by people who have absolutely no empathy for others. Disgusting...

mistybison said:Are you currently taking any medication?

It might actually be best to tell her that your condition is more serious than you're letting on. That way, you could potentially receive some therapy that would truly help you.

I'm not looking to take anything. I don't even know what I would take in the first place. Antidepressants aren't for me, since I'm not constantly feeling down... What I need isn't medication to get through the day, but rather different ways to outsmart my own mind. To find ways to correct those deep-seated patterns buried in my subconscious...

The Maystor... said:Do you always enjoy sticking labels on people like this...

👍 If only people realized how much damage they cause with such nonsense... maybe things would be different. Or perhaps I’m just being naive... ☕

Carl Rivera43 said:40 is just a relative number of days spent {those famous renunciations}

Where on earth do you find lines like that, haha...

I honestly have no clue why... 🙂

mistylynx said:I mean, you should probably just tell that therapist, or whoever it is you're talking to about those past experiences, that it really bothered you. Maybe let them know you aren't looking for a pity party or extra attention, but rather some actual tools on how to handle those kinds of thoughts.

I'm worried that if I say that, everything will just go back to how it was. Since she's a licensed professional, she might be legally responsible if I were to hurt myself. I'm scared she might suggest hospitalization or refer me to someone else... since she's a psychotherapist, maybe I need a psychiatrist instead. She's actually helped me quite a bit, and I don't want to risk losing her support...

ironrider11 said:Emily Rivera45... you've been posting a lot lately after those first few entries, but you still haven't actually laid out—or even hinted at—just how SERIOUS this situation is. You know, the one where you tried, or almost succeeded, at... well, taking your own life? A couple of times now. It seems pretty pointless to go to therapy sessions several times a week while staying all secretive or, let's be honest, just lying about it. It’s like you aren't in any rush to actually deal with the REAL problem, no matter how much more critical things get every single day...

For me, just showing up to talk to someone is a huge step. So no, it isn't pointless... it's just one more way I'm trying to pull myself through this...

Joseph Bailey41 said:And that right there is your short circuit. Have you ever heard of WD-40?

Could you explain? I'm not sure what you mean...

Joseph Bailey41 said:Unfortunately, that also falls under the "retry and potential failure" category. It's a tricky situation. I think I have a hunch about what the core issue might be, but I might just be overthinking it based on very little information, so it would be great if they could elaborate a bit more. It wouldn't hurt at all.

I'm not sure what you mean. I'm terrified to try because when I fail, I go from feeling like life isn't worth living to feeling like I shouldn't exist at all, just because I feel so incompetent for this world. And maybe there's a tiny bit of comfort in never trying or never going somewhere, because then you get to hold onto that hope that things will be better once you finally find the courage to move... As long as you don't try, that hope stays alive...

Alexander Williams512 said:I just spent some time catching up on your other threads.
Regarding health: either you commit to getting better or you just let yourself wither away. It’s a brutal reality, but you have to take action. If you don't actually want to improve, then honestly, forget it—you don't deserve anything better. You can't act like someone who isn't in control of their own life; you need to be able to step back and look at things objectively. Maybe it's okay for someone to just tell you that straight up.
We all have our own battles to fight, and I won't even mention how many people here are dealing with much heavier issues while putting in an incredible amount of effort.

I made it very clear that I am NOT interested in your responses, so just leave this thread alone. I don't know why you're obsessing over me or stalking my posts like some kind of psycho... Don't harass me, don't reply to this, just act like a normal person and leave me in peace...

I’m reading everything you all write and soaking it all in, so thank you for trying to help!

Regarding psychiatrists, I tried seeking help back in the States and just had terrible experiences... lots of guilt. During psychotherapy, when I mentioned suicidal thoughts and how much I struggle to value life, the woman asked me what I expected from her sessions, which felt incredibly rude. She even implied that others come to her to actually get better, whereas I was just bothering her with my "nonsense." Not exactly those words, but that was the point. I felt like total garbage, like someone who didn't deserve any help at all.
Of course I want help, it's just that how the body acts is one thing, and how the mind wants it to act is another...
I think one of my subconscious fears is that nobody will actually know how to help me, and everyone will eventually just give up on me.

With another psychologist, it was just as awful. I didn't open up about suicide at first, but once I did, it was a disaster. She told me a person is either suicidal or they aren't, and told me to just decide, essentially pushing the idea that if I am, she'd just have me committed for observation. I wasn't in that state that day, but afterward, there was just more guilt-tripping—being told I was bothering people for no reason, that I couldn't act like this, that I had to be either constantly suicidal or perfectly fine, otherwise it would just be seen as drama.
Ever since then, I haven't told anyone anything about my suicidal thoughts or my reflections on them.
The only place is here on this forum, which is why I wrote on the front page that I can't handle hateful comments accusing me of just seeking attention... because those bring back those bad memories with doctors, and that feeling that I don't even have the right to ask for help regarding this.

Now I'm living in a different part of the country and I see a counselor a few times a month, but because of other issues, I don't dare mention the dark stuff. I'm afraid that if things escalate, I won't be able to talk to her the same way and she might become more aggressive toward me. So, I guess something is better than nothing, since she helps with some things.

Anyway, I've rambled quite a bit...

Donna White50 said:It sounds like things are just too easy for you right now—you don't have any real responsibilities or life goals that demand strength, focus, purpose, or sacrifice...
That's why, whenever you're bored, your mind drifts to the meaninglessness of life, and that idea of death—which should trigger primal fear in anyone because of the sheer nothingness—feels strangely okay or even depressing to you. You've trivialized death as a way to cope, thinking, "I'll just jump and whatever, it's no big deal, I'll just fall asleep and that's it."
Of course, you'd just be asleep. That's what death is. It isn't scary, it doesn't hurt; it's as natural as being born...
A young guy in his prime should be aiming to live life to the fullest and soak up the world around him. Death should be the absolute last thing on his mind.
Get it together and actually live—and I mean studying, building things, being creative, taking on responsibility and duties... save the thoughts about death for when you're old or when it actually comes knocking at your door. Until then, squeeze every bit of juice out of the life you have left...
And honestly, that whole idea of jumping off a balcony isn't "cool"—it's just stupid, man. You aren't special for feeling this way, believe me...

Maybe... you might be right. I'm bored because I'm not doing the things I actually want to do, but that's only because every attempt to start feels like a risk of disappointing myself or others, which leads back to feeling depressed and suicidal. When I think about it, this inactivity is just another defense mechanism; my mind protects itself from getting hurt by isolating me from the very activities that would fulfill me. I don't even know how to begin fixing any of this or how to break the cycle... I feel like I need someone to guide me, but no one has been able to help so far...
I wonder if some people are just too difficult to recover... though I'm sure certain people will just claim I'm looking for attention or being dramatic... ☕

Joseph Bailey41 said:Why? Honestly, I don't really get what your struggle is. If death were truly unacceptable to you, that would be a bit awkward given that we all have to pass away eventually. 🤷

Are you afraid that a bad day (or perhaps a bad drug 😬) might push you toward suicide even though you don't actually want to die? 🤔

Yes, exactly that. There's a huge part of me that doesn't want to die, but this small part takes over completely quite often...

Alexander Williams512 said:Dear artists,
you remind me of those young creatives who seem obsessed with playing the victim, acting as if being miserable and broken is some kind of aesthetic choice. They treat mental illness like a trendy accessory—something to make them feel special or different from the crowd. Honestly, trying to project that kind of manufactured elitism just comes off as pathetic to me. The last artist I knew who leaned into that whole persona was barely seventeen.
And what about experimenting with drugs? Is that also considered "cool"? Why even mess around with that if you can't handle the consequences?
If you had ever actually witnessed the reality of true mental illness, you’d be grateful for your sanity instead of trying to "summon" it for the sake of an image.
Go hang out with friends, find a girl, get some exercise, and see how much better life feels. It’s really not that complicated.

And if you drop the generalizations, where did you even get all this from?

Laura Jones56 said:It is quite difficult to find the will to help oneself once you fall into that trap of nihilism. You feel terrible, but how can anyone truly assist you in reconciling with a world that feels, at that moment, objectively broken? As if someone could just teleport you into a reality that Leibniz clearly swapped out for this one. And even then, what would be the point? It’s just fundamentally awful. I guess intellectual nihilism creates an emotional state that essentially reinforces the very nihilism itself; it's a bit of a feedback loop. Perhaps a little more dopamine might help shift the perspective, so to speak. That’s why, yes, a person needs to take action—if they actually want to help themselves—but to him, it probably feels entirely meaningless. Though, I suppose it's all very individual.
I wouldn't necessarily label these as "childish problems." People often say, "What's the point of searching for meaning when you don't even have a paycheck?" But that doesn't really hold water. If someone is being abstract, well, that's just who they are; it's not a matter of immaturity. Some people accept the facts of existence easily, others struggle, and some simply cannot... you can't really blame them.
I am speaking from experience here as well.
As far as I can tell, the author’s situation is heavily weighted by tragedy—this obsessive thought pattern and desperate emotional state. He seems to have been hit hard and suddenly by the concept of death and its reality, which led to a total devaluation of his own life through this cosmic paradigm, and then, well, what is there left to do? He's experiencing suicidal ideation and perceives a lack of survival instinct, which I suspect is a consequence of a very real, though perhaps not yet fully conscious, suicidality, even if he knows he is thinking about it. At least, that is my rough interpretation of his condition.

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That is exactly how my head works. I'm glad to see someone can actually understand me... thank you for that!

Neither, really. I’m just posting here in case a smart thought hits me, or maybe someone offers some solid advice or shares their own experience because they've been right where I am...

Look, I'm not an attention seeker—not the kind looking for pity or a spotlight—so please, keep the malicious comments to yourselves.

Especially since you never know if a nasty remark might be the final straw on a bad day, particularly when I struggle to express just how SERIOUS my situation actually is.
Back when I was seeing a therapist in the States and mentioned having suicidal thoughts, she didn't seem to see the gravity of it. She asked me the exact same condescending question as ironrider11—basically laughing it off, asking how I could still be here seeking help if I were truly suicidal. She was implying I was just looking for attention, but to me, it’s simple: I just want to get through the day and make it home safely without wanting to end it all... people just don't understand...

Joseph Bailey41 said:Listen, if you stepped out into the street tomorrow to buy a rope and happened to notice a semi-truck driver who had no intention of stopping at the crosswalk... your instincts would tell you to jump back. (Unless you were under the influence, but let's just set that aside for now. 😬)

Your survival instincts are working perfectly fine. Obsessing over suicide comes from somewhere else entirely... whether it's an idle mind, poor mental hygiene, some childhood trauma, or something else altogether, I honestly don't know. But dwelling obsessively on dark thoughts definitely isn't going to make anything better.

But I wrote back that I know exactly where it stems from. It's trauma from two or three years ago (I wasn't perfectly stable before that, but I was functional and relatively happy).
As for the trauma itself, there's nothing left to process; I've lived through it, and it has taken its toll. Its worst aftermath is that death no longer feels like an unacceptable option... it all depends on how heavy things get. And I'm just trying to find a way through that...

Joseph Bailey41 said:It’s not the brakes you need, it's the steering wheel. And honestly, it might be a good idea to stop peeing in the gas tank. ☕

Well, let's not get hung up on that part, since it isn't really the issue at hand.

I'm not sure if I explained myself clearly... for instance, a healthy person has a bad day at work, messes up, and has to take responsibility, but they aren't immediately thinking about ending it all just because life got heavy. To them, the idea of suicide would be repulsive; those are the brakes I'm talking about. For me, they aren't there. It's like my instinctual defense mechanisms against that kind of thing have just burned out...

Laura Jones56 said:How young are you, Emily Rivera45?
I went through similar trips a few years ago—obsessive thoughts along the lines of "I'll just jump in front of a bus, who cares." Then there was the "philosophical" pondering of death, imagining life without me on Earth, and so on. But eventually, it just evaporated, probably due to some level of maturity or self-awareness. My low survival instinct manifested itself as a tendency toward extreme sports or picking fights. It was all very much in that "what does it matter if I die" vein... starting conflicts just as a way to prove to myself that I didn't care. I suspect it's just a normal part of self-definition during adolescence.
Google "intrusive thoughts"; I know there are videos on YouTube about it from people in our neck of the woods. Regardless, if you can't navigate it on your own online, I think the best move is to talk to a psychologist—especially if you're still in school, they're easily accessible.

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Man, do I sound incredibly naive? I am a bit older than that stage...
I don't know if I'd call them intrusive thoughts, but then again, I'm not sure where the line is between an obsessive thought and a thought that becomes a natural part of your character through repetition, shaping how you react to things...

Sometimes I feel completely depressed and lost, other times I'm totally fine, even happy... but through all those phases, one thing remains constant: I am intensely drawn to death and the thought of it.

When I'm lying in bed at night, boredom kicks in and I start wondering what being dead is actually like—just never waking up again. That idea pulls at me. It’s enough that I’d consider doing it just for the hell of it, simply because I can. It feels like something straight out of a recent episode of Black Mirror (spoiler alert before I hit enter! 🙂 Colin sits on the balcony of an apartment and calmly asks Stephen, "One of us is going to jump, who will it be?" And when Stephen says, "You," he just nonchalantly hops over the railing, says "ok, see ya," and plunges to his death.
(end spoiler)

Sometimes, when I've played around with substances a bit too much, I get this feeling that I could actually pull off that exact scenario with the right person—just jump and not care at all. My survival instinct is incredibly low...

I wasn't always like this, of course. The hardest part is trying to fight back when life knocks me down and throws me into the dark, and since I'm pretty much broken in every direction, those moments happen almost daily...

And I wonder how everything became so complicated that my head feels heavy every single day. I think it all started a few years ago when I was in a deep depression and seriously considering suicide. Back then, it terrified me; I cried because I didn't want to leave my loved ones behind. For the first time in my life, I accepted that it could be over—that my end was coming, whatever that meant. I could cry and pray and plead to God or the devil, but life is merciless and won't offer you even a finger to hold onto...
As I sat there shaking and falling apart inside, replaying it a hundred times, suicide slowly stopped being a problem and started feeling like an option... or a solution.

Today, I don't really have the mental safeguards that healthy people have regarding death. I've played out scenes of my own death in my head far too many times...

I wonder if it's ever possible to get those safeguards back... so that when I have a bad day, I don't immediately think about leaving, but instead try to distract myself or fix the situation, just like everyone else does...