Please, give me my brakes back!

Sometimes I feel completely depressed and lost, other times I'm totally fine, even happy... but through all those phases, one thing remains constant: I am intensely drawn to death and the thought of it.

When I'm lying in bed at night, boredom kicks in and I start wondering what being dead is actually like—just never waking up again. That idea pulls at me. It’s enough that I’d consider doing it just for the hell of it, simply because I can. It feels like something straight out of a recent episode of Black Mirror (spoiler alert before I hit enter! 🙂 Colin sits on the balcony of an apartment and calmly asks Stephen, "One of us is going to jump, who will it be?" And when Stephen says, "You," he just nonchalantly hops over the railing, says "ok, see ya," and plunges to his death.
(end spoiler)

Sometimes, when I've played around with substances a bit too much, I get this feeling that I could actually pull off that exact scenario with the right person—just jump and not care at all. My survival instinct is incredibly low...

I wasn't always like this, of course. The hardest part is trying to fight back when life knocks me down and throws me into the dark, and since I'm pretty much broken in every direction, those moments happen almost daily...

And I wonder how everything became so complicated that my head feels heavy every single day. I think it all started a few years ago when I was in a deep depression and seriously considering suicide. Back then, it terrified me; I cried because I didn't want to leave my loved ones behind. For the first time in my life, I accepted that it could be over—that my end was coming, whatever that meant. I could cry and pray and plead to God or the devil, but life is merciless and won't offer you even a finger to hold onto...
As I sat there shaking and falling apart inside, replaying it a hundred times, suicide slowly stopped being a problem and started feeling like an option... or a solution.

Today, I don't really have the mental safeguards that healthy people have regarding death. I've played out scenes of my own death in my head far too many times...

I wonder if it's ever possible to get those safeguards back... so that when I have a bad day, I don't immediately think about leaving, but instead try to distract myself or fix the situation, just like everyone else does...

Emily Rivera45 said:Sometimes I feel completely depressed and lost, other times I'm totally fine, even happy... but through all those phases, one thing remains constant: I am intensely drawn to death and the thought of it.

When I'm lying in bed at night, boredom kicks in and I start wondering what being dead is actually like—just never waking up again. That idea pulls at me. It’s enough that I’d consider doing it just for the hell of it, simply because I can. It feels like something straight out of a recent episode of Black Mirror (spoiler alert before I hit enter! 🙂 Colin sits on the balcony of an apartment and calmly asks Stephen, "One of us is going to jump, who will it be?" And when Stephen says, "You," he just nonchalantly hops over the railing, says "ok, see ya," and plunges to his death.
(end spoiler)

Sometimes, when I've played around with substances a bit too much, I get this feeling that I could actually pull off that exact scenario with the right person—just jump and not care at all. My survival instinct is incredibly low...

I wasn't always like this, of course. The hardest part is trying to fight back when life knocks me down and throws me into the dark, and since I'm pretty much broken in every direction, those moments happen almost daily...

And I wonder how everything became so complicated that my head feels heavy every single day. I think it all started a few years ago when I was in a deep depression and seriously considering suicide. Back then, it terrified me; I cried because I didn't want to leave my loved ones behind. For the first time in my life, I accepted that it could be over—that my end was coming, whatever that meant. I could cry and pray and plead to God or the devil, but life is merciless and won't offer you even a finger to hold onto...
As I sat there shaking and falling apart inside, replaying it a hundred times, suicide slowly stopped being a problem and started feeling like an option... or a solution.

Today, I don't really have the mental safeguards that healthy people have regarding death. I've played out scenes of my own death in my head far too many times...

I wonder if it's ever possible to get those safeguards back... so that when I have a bad day, I don't immediately think about leaving, but instead try to distract myself or fix the situation, just like everyone else does...

It’s not the brakes you need, it's the steering wheel. And honestly, it might be a good idea to stop peeing in the gas tank. ☕

Emily Rivera45 said:Sometimes I feel completely depressed and lost, other times I'm totally fine, even happy... but through all those phases, one thing remains constant: I am intensely drawn to death and the thought of it.

When I'm lying in bed at night, boredom kicks in and I start wondering what being dead is actually like—just never waking up again. That idea pulls at me. It’s enough that I’d consider doing it just for the hell of it, simply because I can. It feels like something straight out of a recent episode of Black Mirror (spoiler alert before I hit enter! 🙂 Colin sits on the balcony of an apartment and calmly asks Stephen, "One of us is going to jump, who will it be?" And when Stephen says, "You," he just nonchalantly hops over the railing, says "ok, see ya," and plunges to his death.
(end spoiler)

Sometimes, when I've played around with substances a bit too much, I get this feeling that I could actually pull off that exact scenario with the right person—just jump and not care at all. My survival instinct is incredibly low...

I wasn't always like this, of course. The hardest part is trying to fight back when life knocks me down and throws me into the dark, and since I'm pretty much broken in every direction, those moments happen almost daily...

And I wonder how everything became so complicated that my head feels heavy every single day. I think it all started a few years ago when I was in a deep depression and seriously considering suicide. Back then, it terrified me; I cried because I didn't want to leave my loved ones behind. For the first time in my life, I accepted that it could be over—that my end was coming, whatever that meant. I could cry and pray and plead to God or the devil, but life is merciless and won't offer you even a finger to hold onto...
As I sat there shaking and falling apart inside, replaying it a hundred times, suicide slowly stopped being a problem and started feeling like an option... or a solution.

Today, I don't really have the mental safeguards that healthy people have regarding death. I've played out scenes of my own death in my head far too many times...

I wonder if it's ever possible to get those safeguards back... so that when I have a bad day, I don't immediately think about leaving, but instead try to distract myself or fix the situation, just like everyone else does...

How young are you, Emily Rivera45?
I went through similar trips a few years ago—obsessive thoughts along the lines of "I'll just jump in front of a bus, who cares." Then there was the "philosophical" pondering of death, imagining life without me on Earth, and so on. But eventually, it just evaporated, probably due to some level of maturity or self-awareness. My low survival instinct manifested itself as a tendency toward extreme sports or picking fights. It was all very much in that "what does it matter if I die" vein... starting conflicts just as a way to prove to myself that I didn't care. I suspect it's just a normal part of self-definition during adolescence.
Google "intrusive thoughts"; I know there are videos on YouTube about it from people in our neck of the woods. Regardless, if you can't navigate it on your own online, I think the best move is to talk to a psychologist—especially if you're still in school, they're easily accessible.

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Joseph Bailey41 said:It’s not the brakes you need, it's the steering wheel. And honestly, it might be a good idea to stop peeing in the gas tank. ☕

...so you just stop, right? Using "artistic expression" as an excuse to play around and dump all this crap everywhere inside some universal junk pile. Maybe later—if you actually manage to settle into that boring, shallow romance routine once you've mastered it—you'll find yourself needing a decent ride. But by then, the car will be trashed. No matter how many times you try to scrub it clean with that "cleaning up after a breakup" phase... it’s always gonna stink. You know why? Art?...

Joseph Bailey41 said:It’s not the brakes you need, it's the steering wheel. And honestly, it might be a good idea to stop peeing in the gas tank. ☕

Well, let's not get hung up on that part, since it isn't really the issue at hand.

I'm not sure if I explained myself clearly... for instance, a healthy person has a bad day at work, messes up, and has to take responsibility, but they aren't immediately thinking about ending it all just because life got heavy. To them, the idea of suicide would be repulsive; those are the brakes I'm talking about. For me, they aren't there. It's like my instinctual defense mechanisms against that kind of thing have just burned out...

Laura Jones56 said:How young are you, Emily Rivera45?
I went through similar trips a few years ago—obsessive thoughts along the lines of "I'll just jump in front of a bus, who cares." Then there was the "philosophical" pondering of death, imagining life without me on Earth, and so on. But eventually, it just evaporated, probably due to some level of maturity or self-awareness. My low survival instinct manifested itself as a tendency toward extreme sports or picking fights. It was all very much in that "what does it matter if I die" vein... starting conflicts just as a way to prove to myself that I didn't care. I suspect it's just a normal part of self-definition during adolescence.
Google "intrusive thoughts"; I know there are videos on YouTube about it from people in our neck of the woods. Regardless, if you can't navigate it on your own online, I think the best move is to talk to a psychologist—especially if you're still in school, they're easily accessible.

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Man, do I sound incredibly naive? I am a bit older than that stage...
I don't know if I'd call them intrusive thoughts, but then again, I'm not sure where the line is between an obsessive thought and a thought that becomes a natural part of your character through repetition, shaping how you react to things...

So if you're supposedly some "unstable person" whose "instinctive defense mechanisms against such actions have been burned out," then how, why, or by what miracle... are you even still here typing this? Is it that tired old "doing it for my loved ones" cliché? Or maybe you're just some "ghost" in the machine—incapable of touching reality, yet somehow still managing to clutter up the internet with nonsense? Have you actually ever tried to end it? For real? Without all the romanticized drama? When people are this messed up, they can stay stuck in a permanent state of adolescence forever. Just "forever"...

Emily Rivera45 said:Well, let's not get hung up on that part, since it isn't really the issue at hand.

I'm not sure if I explained myself clearly... for instance, a healthy person has a bad day at work, messes up, and has to take responsibility, but they aren't immediately thinking about ending it all just because life got heavy. To them, the idea of suicide would be repulsive; those are the brakes I'm talking about. For me, they aren't there. It's like my instinctual defense mechanisms against that kind of thing have just burned out...

Man, do I sound incredibly naive? I am a bit older than that stage...
I don't know if I'd call them intrusive thoughts, but then again, I'm not sure where the line is between an obsessive thought and a thought that becomes a natural part of your character through repetition, shaping how you react to things...

Listen, if you stepped out into the street tomorrow to buy a rope and happened to notice a semi-truck driver who had no intention of stopping at the crosswalk... your instincts would tell you to jump back. (Unless you were under the influence, but let's just set that aside for now. 😬)

Your survival instincts are working perfectly fine. Obsessing over suicide comes from somewhere else entirely... whether it's an idle mind, poor mental hygiene, some childhood trauma, or something else altogether, I honestly don't know. But dwelling obsessively on dark thoughts definitely isn't going to make anything better.

Emily Rivera45 said:Sometimes I feel completely depressed and lost, other times I'm totally fine, even happy... but through all those phases, one thing remains constant: I am intensely drawn to death and the thought of it.

When I'm lying in bed at night, boredom kicks in and I start wondering what being dead is actually like—just never waking up again. That idea pulls at me. It’s enough that I’d consider doing it just for the hell of it, simply because I can. It feels like something straight out of a recent episode of Black Mirror (spoiler alert before I hit enter! 🙂 Colin sits on the balcony of an apartment and calmly asks Stephen, "One of us is going to jump, who will it be?" And when Stephen says, "You," he just nonchalantly hops over the railing, says "ok, see ya," and plunges to his death.
(end spoiler)

Sometimes, when I've played around with substances a bit too much, I get this feeling that I could actually pull off that exact scenario with the right person—just jump and not care at all. My survival instinct is incredibly low...

I wasn't always like this, of course. The hardest part is trying to fight back when life knocks me down and throws me into the dark, and since I'm pretty much broken in every direction, those moments happen almost daily...

And I wonder how everything became so complicated that my head feels heavy every single day. I think it all started a few years ago when I was in a deep depression and seriously considering suicide. Back then, it terrified me; I cried because I didn't want to leave my loved ones behind. For the first time in my life, I accepted that it could be over—that my end was coming, whatever that meant. I could cry and pray and plead to God or the devil, but life is merciless and won't offer you even a finger to hold onto...
As I sat there shaking and falling apart inside, replaying it a hundred times, suicide slowly stopped being a problem and started feeling like an option... or a solution.

Today, I don't really have the mental safeguards that healthy people have regarding death. I've played out scenes of my own death in my head far too many times...

I wonder if it's ever possible to get those safeguards back... so that when I have a bad day, I don't immediately think about leaving, but instead try to distract myself or fix the situation, just like everyone else does...

I deleted everything else—this should cover it....

Are you here to troll us, or are you just bored?

Neither, really. I’m just posting here in case a smart thought hits me, or maybe someone offers some solid advice or shares their own experience because they've been right where I am...

Look, I'm not an attention seeker—not the kind looking for pity or a spotlight—so please, keep the malicious comments to yourselves.

Especially since you never know if a nasty remark might be the final straw on a bad day, particularly when I struggle to express just how SERIOUS my situation actually is.
Back when I was seeing a therapist in the States and mentioned having suicidal thoughts, she didn't seem to see the gravity of it. She asked me the exact same condescending question as ironrider11—basically laughing it off, asking how I could still be here seeking help if I were truly suicidal. She was implying I was just looking for attention, but to me, it’s simple: I just want to get through the day and make it home safely without wanting to end it all... people just don't understand...

Joseph Bailey41 said:Listen, if you stepped out into the street tomorrow to buy a rope and happened to notice a semi-truck driver who had no intention of stopping at the crosswalk... your instincts would tell you to jump back. (Unless you were under the influence, but let's just set that aside for now. 😬)

Your survival instincts are working perfectly fine. Obsessing over suicide comes from somewhere else entirely... whether it's an idle mind, poor mental hygiene, some childhood trauma, or something else altogether, I honestly don't know. But dwelling obsessively on dark thoughts definitely isn't going to make anything better.

But I wrote back that I know exactly where it stems from. It's trauma from two or three years ago (I wasn't perfectly stable before that, but I was functional and relatively happy).
As for the trauma itself, there's nothing left to process; I've lived through it, and it has taken its toll. Its worst aftermath is that death no longer feels like an unacceptable option... it all depends on how heavy things get. And I'm just trying to find a way through that...

Emily Rivera45 said:Neither, really. I’m just posting here in case a smart thought hits me, or maybe someone offers some solid advice or shares their own experience because they've been right where I am...

Look, I'm not an attention seeker—not the kind looking for pity or a spotlight—so please, keep the malicious comments to yourselves.

Especially since you never know if a nasty remark might be the final straw on a bad day, particularly when I struggle to express just how SERIOUS my situation actually is.
Back when I was seeing a therapist in the States and mentioned having suicidal thoughts, she didn't seem to see the gravity of it. She asked me the exact same condescending question as ironrider11—basically laughing it off, asking how I could still be here seeking help if I were truly suicidal. She was implying I was just looking for attention, but to me, it’s simple: I just want to get through the day and make it home safely without wanting to end it all... people just don't understand...

But I wrote back that I know exactly where it stems from. It's trauma from two or three years ago (I wasn't perfectly stable before that, but I was functional and relatively happy).
As for the trauma itself, there's nothing left to process; I've lived through it, and it has taken its toll. Its worst aftermath is that death no longer feels like an unacceptable option... it all depends on how heavy things get. And I'm just trying to find a way through that...

So, did you slit your wrists after you got out of there? Or was that "idiot" actually enriched by three eyes that can extremely precisely judge SEVERITY. Maybe over there, in the psych ward, there are patients who have seen enough gruesome scenes, including cutting veins to the point of "hey, haha, I'm slicing my arm in half... on the interstate, not on a side street"... so the SEVERITY or criticality of someone's situation is somehow clear to them, just like it was to that mentioned "idiot." And even if they aren't, and they're wrong—is it on them if someone, "during or after their hateful comment," decides to massacre themselves with a razor or jump from the 6th floor? What exactly is your problem? Fantasizing about suicide and romanticizing death. Yeah... sure, whatever.

What are you going to do when you enter that "mature phase of life," when "you've done everything you had to do," and the obsession with death—as it draws closer more and more urgently, gnawing away like a decaying tooth—becomes something bizarrely supernatural? When you suddenly, crystal clearly, remember those childhood fantasies you thought were long gone, just pale echoes of a past that never repeated itself—only to find out that this bizarre obsession works in these wide, repetitive loops. Every new repetition gets darker and more obsessive. Easy to say "if/then"—but you have to survive until then, right?

It’s not being condescending; it’s just me critiquing certain patterns in my own life out loud. I wouldn't want someone to decide to cancel their subscription to life because of one of my "cynical asshole" remarks that doesn't even matter, especially when someone's cup is already overflowing. But then again, if they were clumsy or unlucky enough to succeed in trying, I won't even know. I'll just say: "be less sensitive to irrelevant voices from behind a screen" during a lifelong training session for dying? It's rare, but it can... be fatal. Isn't that a paradoxical irony? Someone kills themselves because of some misinterpreted or misunderstood words from someone who is completely indifferent to their surroundings. They launched an air strike on themselves and their loved ones, sent by their own... all because, in a moment of SERIOUS hysteria over imaginary threats or criticality, they sent or called out to the wrong coordinates. The wolf is coming, the wolf is coming....

Emily Rivera45 said:Sometimes I feel completely depressed and lost, other times I'm totally fine, even happy... but through all those phases, one thing remains constant: I am intensely drawn to death and the thought of it.

When I'm lying in bed at night, boredom kicks in and I start wondering what being dead is actually like—just never waking up again. That idea pulls at me. It’s enough that I’d consider doing it just for the hell of it, simply because I can. It feels like something straight out of a recent episode of Black Mirror (spoiler alert before I hit enter! 🙂 Colin sits on the balcony of an apartment and calmly asks Stephen, "One of us is going to jump, who will it be?" And when Stephen says, "You," he just nonchalantly hops over the railing, says "ok, see ya," and plunges to his death.
(end spoiler)

Sometimes, when I've played around with substances a bit too much, I get this feeling that I could actually pull off that exact scenario with the right person—just jump and not care at all. My survival instinct is incredibly low...

I wasn't always like this, of course. The hardest part is trying to fight back when life knocks me down and throws me into the dark, and since I'm pretty much broken in every direction, those moments happen almost daily...

And I wonder how everything became so complicated that my head feels heavy every single day. I think it all started a few years ago when I was in a deep depression and seriously considering suicide. Back then, it terrified me; I cried because I didn't want to leave my loved ones behind. For the first time in my life, I accepted that it could be over—that my end was coming, whatever that meant. I could cry and pray and plead to God or the devil, but life is merciless and won't offer you even a finger to hold onto...
As I sat there shaking and falling apart inside, replaying it a hundred times, suicide slowly stopped being a problem and started feeling like an option... or a solution.

Today, I don't really have the mental safeguards that healthy people have regarding death. I've played out scenes of my own death in my head far too many times...

I wonder if it's ever possible to get those safeguards back... so that when I have a bad day, I don't immediately think about leaving, but instead try to distract myself or fix the situation, just like everyone else does...

Ugh (just a quick, sharp exhale through the nose).

I'm not trying to be mean here.

But I honestly don't have anything else to say.

Emily Rivera45 said:Sometimes I feel completely depressed and lost, other times I'm totally fine, even happy... but through all those phases, one thing remains constant: I am intensely drawn to death and the thought of it.

When I'm lying in bed at night, boredom kicks in and I start wondering what being dead is actually like—just never waking up again. That idea pulls at me. It’s enough that I’d consider doing it just for the hell of it, simply because I can. It feels like something straight out of a recent episode of Black Mirror (spoiler alert before I hit enter! 🙂 Colin sits on the balcony of an apartment and calmly asks Stephen, "One of us is going to jump, who will it be?" And when Stephen says, "You," he just nonchalantly hops over the railing, says "ok, see ya," and plunges to his death.
(end spoiler)

Sometimes, when I've played around with substances a bit too much, I get this feeling that I could actually pull off that exact scenario with the right person—just jump and not care at all. My survival instinct is incredibly low...

I wasn't always like this, of course. The hardest part is trying to fight back when life knocks me down and throws me into the dark, and since I'm pretty much broken in every direction, those moments happen almost daily...

And I wonder how everything became so complicated that my head feels heavy every single day. I think it all started a few years ago when I was in a deep depression and seriously considering suicide. Back then, it terrified me; I cried because I didn't want to leave my loved ones behind. For the first time in my life, I accepted that it could be over—that my end was coming, whatever that meant. I could cry and pray and plead to God or the devil, but life is merciless and won't offer you even a finger to hold onto...
As I sat there shaking and falling apart inside, replaying it a hundred times, suicide slowly stopped being a problem and started feeling like an option... or a solution.

Today, I don't really have the mental safeguards that healthy people have regarding death. I've played out scenes of my own death in my head far too many times...

I wonder if it's ever possible to get those safeguards back... so that when I have a bad day, I don't immediately think about leaving, but instead try to distract myself or fix the situation, just like everyone else does...

It sounds like things are just too easy for you right now—you don't have any real responsibilities or life goals that demand strength, focus, purpose, or sacrifice...
That's why, whenever you're bored, your mind drifts to the meaninglessness of life, and that idea of death—which should trigger primal fear in anyone because of the sheer nothingness—feels strangely okay or even depressing to you. You've trivialized death as a way to cope, thinking, "I'll just jump and whatever, it's no big deal, I'll just fall asleep and that's it."
Of course, you'd just be asleep. That's what death is. It isn't scary, it doesn't hurt; it's as natural as being born...
A young guy in his prime should be aiming to live life to the fullest and soak up the world around him. Death should be the absolute last thing on his mind.
Get it together and actually live—and I mean studying, building things, being creative, taking on responsibility and duties... save the thoughts about death for when you're old or when it actually comes knocking at your door. Until then, squeeze every bit of juice out of the life you have left...
And honestly, that whole idea of jumping off a balcony isn't "cool"—it's just stupid, man. You aren't special for feeling this way, believe me...

Emily Rivera45 said:Neither, really. I’m just posting here in case a smart thought hits me, or maybe someone offers some solid advice or shares their own experience because they've been right where I am...

Look, I'm not an attention seeker—not the kind looking for pity or a spotlight—so please, keep the malicious comments to yourselves.

Especially since you never know if a nasty remark might be the final straw on a bad day, particularly when I struggle to express just how SERIOUS my situation actually is.
Back when I was seeing a therapist in the States and mentioned having suicidal thoughts, she didn't seem to see the gravity of it. She asked me the exact same condescending question as ironrider11—basically laughing it off, asking how I could still be here seeking help if I were truly suicidal. She was implying I was just looking for attention, but to me, it’s simple: I just want to get through the day and make it home safely without wanting to end it all... people just don't understand...

But I wrote back that I know exactly where it stems from. It's trauma from two or three years ago (I wasn't perfectly stable before that, but I was functional and relatively happy).
As for the trauma itself, there's nothing left to process; I've lived through it, and it has taken its toll. Its worst aftermath is that death no longer feels like an unacceptable option... it all depends on how heavy things get. And I'm just trying to find a way through that...

Why? Honestly, I don't really get what your struggle is. If death were truly unacceptable to you, that would be a bit awkward given that we all have to pass away eventually. 🤷

Are you afraid that a bad day (or perhaps a bad drug 😬) might push you toward suicide even though you don't actually want to die? 🤔

Dear artists,
you remind me of those young creatives who seem obsessed with playing the victim, acting as if being miserable and broken is some kind of aesthetic choice. They treat mental illness like a trendy accessory—something to make them feel special or different from the crowd. Honestly, trying to project that kind of manufactured elitism just comes off as pathetic to me. The last artist I knew who leaned into that whole persona was barely seventeen.
And what about experimenting with drugs? Is that also considered "cool"? Why even mess around with that if you can't handle the consequences?
If you had ever actually witnessed the reality of true mental illness, you’d be grateful for your sanity instead of trying to "summon" it for the sake of an image.
Go hang out with friends, find a girl, get some exercise, and see how much better life feels. It’s really not that complicated.

"The first sign that true understanding is beginning to take hold is a longing for death." — Kafka

Alexander Williams512 said:Dear artists,
you remind me of those young creatives who seem obsessed with playing the victim, acting as if being miserable and broken is some kind of aesthetic choice. They treat mental illness like a trendy accessory—something to make them feel special or different from the crowd. Honestly, trying to project that kind of manufactured elitism just comes off as pathetic to me. The last artist I knew who leaned into that whole persona was barely seventeen.
And what about experimenting with drugs? Is that also considered "cool"? Why even mess around with that if you can't handle the consequences?
If you had ever actually witnessed the reality of true mental illness, you’d be grateful for your sanity instead of trying to "summon" it for the sake of an image.
Go hang out with friends, find a girl, get some exercise, and see how much better life feels. It’s really not that complicated.

Oh my god, what a disaster, haha

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Laura Jones56 said:Oh my god, what a disaster, haha

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I’m glad you finally decided to step forward. Just another self-proclaimed urban explorer looking for deep meaning—basically a philosopher with a high school diploma, at best. 🤣

Alexander Williams512 said:I’m glad you finally decided to step forward. Just another self-proclaimed urban explorer looking for deep meaning—basically a philosopher with a high school diploma, at best. 🤣

Good grief... 😢

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Laura Jones56 said:Good grief... 😢

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The guy clearly struggles with social skills. He didn't lay everything out on the table, but I suspect his real issue might just be a profound sense of boredom in his life.🤷

Laura Jones56 said:Oh my god, what a disaster, haha

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Honestly, this situation isn't even worth the headache. 🤷