Larry Lewis said:For me, it’s pretty straightforward, though I probably shouldn't get into the weeds here—besides, it isn't exactly some riveting tale worth telling.
Hey, it's totally up to you—I'm not trying to push anyone into anything. 😉 I just thought I'd mention that if anyone is actually interested, I'd love to take a look, and we can always just chat via DM. 🙂
Hey there, my dear Sizina crew, your friend Sizina has a quick question for you all 😍
If you were talking to someone who has absolutely no clue what our condition is actually like, how would you explain what’s going on with us using your own words?
Standing alone against the crowd doesn't mean you've lost your mind. There’s a fundamental difference between what's true and what's just noise; if you're sticking to the facts, even if it feels like the whole world is looking at you sideways, you aren't crazy.
David Vaughn75 said:But let me ask you this—are the ones avoiding you actually people you used to give a damn about?
There are definitely people like that, though they don't carry much weight in my life anymore. I mean, sure, it’s easy to let it get under my skin sometimes, but I usually manage to pull myself together and stay level-headed.
There are some people out there who go out of their way to avoid us on purpose, but honestly, it doesn't really bother me. I tend to just give them the same courtesy and steer clear of them too. 🥳
It usually takes me quite a while to find my groove; I’ve always found it a bit tough to just kick back and relax when I'm hanging out with a new crowd. And honestly, I tend to be pretty skeptical of newcomers at first. I usually keep people at a certain distance until I feel comfortable—it's just the way that works best for me.
David Vaughn75 said:Have you ever thought about applying for disability? Or are you aiming to get back into the workforce and actually hold down a job?
Nah, disability isn't really on the table for me. It’s kind of like when people ask if I want to switch to night school or some kind of correspondence course... there's just no way. Even with everything I'm dealing with, I still manage to find a little bit of hope. I actually missed about three months of school this year, and yet somehow I still pulled a GPA higher than most of my classmates. I'm trying my best. I am definitely thinking about heading to college and starting a career down the road. Sure, this will be my sixth year navigating high school, but I'm not letting that get to me too much. I know plenty of "typical" students who end up repeating grades anyway, so I don't see why it should be any different for me. 🤣
Never give up. Stay true to who you were from the start. Defeats might feel like they last forever, but they can't break your dreams.
David Vaughn75 said:Look, hallucinations are a massive deal, no question about it—but even on my ward, there were plenty of folks hearing voices who still got their weekends off. 🤷
Well, looking back, I was basically just talking to myself most of the time. I was being pretty self-destructive and having some really dark, suicidal thoughts during those episodes, so I honestly don't blame them for keeping me under observation. It also doesn't help that they probably overheard me talking to the voices about how I wanted to escape from the psych ward, so I can't say I'm surprised by how they handled things. 🤷 The poor elderly lady who was sharing my room with me is being accused of stalking me and wanting to kill me in my sleep. It’s honestly such a ridiculous situation, especially considering she can barely make it from her bedroom to the kitchen without having to hold onto the wall just to stay upright. It’s honestly pretty wild how much our brains can just warp our perception of reality. It's one of those things that really makes you stop and think about how much we take for granted.
David Vaughn75 said:So, is it actually true that the state hospital in Chicago is basically the only decent psych facility left in America?
I don't know, I've heard some people get weekend passes from the Kukuljevic clinic or over in Indianapolis, but I never got those. My dad was at the Oakland facility maybe 15 times, if not more, and he was always allowed to head home for the weekends. Guess I was just a tougher case to crack, haha. 👋
David Vaughn75 said:I’ve always tried to dodge the summer heat whenever possible... the first time I managed it, I showed up right at the start of spring and then headed straight from the hospital to the coast.😍 Last time, I actually pulled off a clean escape from that miserable snow and slush—waited until things finally thawed out before I checked myself out of the facility.😍
Every single time I've been admitted—and I’ve been through inpatient care six times now—it’s been during some pretty decent weather. The only exception was this last time right after New Year's; it was nothing but endless rain, ice, and snow, and all I could do was stare at it through those heavy psychiatric bars 😳
She lowered my dose of Haldol... said something about how if I start hearing voices or if things get weird, they'll just bring me straight back to the ER. Easy for her to say. I'm really hoping this works out, because I seriously can't handle spending a third summer in a row stuck in a hospital bed. 😍
I mean, I could try to laugh, but it wouldn't feel real. I honestly can't remember the last time I had a genuine laugh. But crying? That’s a total zero for me.
It's a shame I'm not some professional comedian who could find the humor in my own tears.
I’m right there with you. It’s like I’ve lost the ability to feel anything at all—no laughter, no tears. There are moments when things feel so heavy that I can tell I really need to just let it all out and cry, but… it just won't come.
Larry Lewis said:But seriously, if you find yourself actually missing those doctors during her month-long hiatus, you can always just check yourself into the ward...🤣
Just kidding, mostly.🙂
But honestly, it’s not even much of a joke—my psychiatrist actually told me the exact same thing during our last session. 🤣😍
Larry Lewis said:Well, then you ought to tell her exactly that—because if you're sitting there feeling gripped by anxiety or dread, then whatever she's doing isn't working.
I'll let her know. I'm heading in this Monday, and then we won't see each other for at least a month since she's going on vacation. Yay, life. ☕
Larry Lewis said:Look, you have to wrap your head around the fact that all those delusions—all that mental looping—are just symptoms of the illness. Period. You have to accept that, clear the air with yourself, and stop giving those thoughts any weight—don't fall into the trap of thinking they're some sort of "message" or that you've stumbled upon some secret truth that nobody else can see, if you catch my drift.
Yeah, I totally get where you're coming from. It sounds so straightforward when I read it written out like that, but actually living it is a whole different story. I guess hopefully things will get a little easier as I get older and learn how to manage my own headspace a bit better.
Larry Lewis said:I honestly know so many people who try to talk their doctors into tapering off their meds because they start feeling "fine"—only to find themselves back in the psychiatric ward at a local hospital a month later. It’s a cycle. It doesn't really matter what the specific dosage looks like—what matters is being absolutely, undeniably certain that you are actually stable.
I definitely agree with that. My psychiatrist is actually starting to slowly taper my antipsychotics, and as much as that makes me happy, I can't help but feel this weird tension in my head. I'm just constantly worried about whether this change might make everything worse.🤷
To be honest, I’m still trying to wrap my head around what actually happened versus what was just in my head. I feel pretty lost right now, if I'm being real. And then there's that awful stigma hanging over everything...