Posts by Jose Ward4

Carl Rivera43 said:Kudos to all that grit and hard work!

Thanks, boss!🙂

I just finished washing the curtains, and honestly, they look a little better now—just used some old laundry starch and fabric softener. Still have a mountain of clothes to get through, though. I remember once having a similar experience with Ariela, but I kept doubting if it was actually possible. Turns out, it was. Man, these heatwaves have been brutal lately, at least for me, and now the temperature is swinging wildly by 7 or 8 degrees. It’s all over the place depending on whether it's morning or afternoon. I'm finally sitting down to grab some food, too; my appetite didn't even kick in until just now.

I’ve been feeling off for days now. Just this constant sense of being scattered and out of sorts. It really started during that last heatwave—you know, those few days where you could barely even draw a breath because the air was so heavy? Even here in Chicago, it felt suffocating. The only thing I actually changed in my routine was switching out my laundry detergent and fabric softener. Now I'm sitting here wondering if I should just go back to my old brands. There’s still some residue left in everything. Has anyone else dealt with something like this? I’ve washed absolutely everything, even the curtains.

redpilot37 said:Quick question... is it possible to deal with schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder without actually seeing things? Like, if someone is just incredibly paranoid, withdrawn, and emotionally numb... is that still part of it? And one more thing... does a diagnosis like that typically lead to losing legal competency or a driver's license? Thanks for letting me jump in here.

Honestly, I’d turn the question back on you—what makes you feel so suspicious, withdrawn, and cold? Have you thought about seeing a psychologist? That's actually what I'm planning to do myself in a few months.

I don't want to scare you off, because that isn't my intention at all, but the reality is that it usually comes down to the specific psychiatrist you see. My doctor tends to be pretty strict about everything, especially when it involves driving privileges, particularly with more severe diagnoses.

Carl Rivera43 said:Every single day comes with its own set of ups and downs.

Really? And what might those be?

Today was just an absolute marathon. I’m sitting here right now, trying to hash out some work details with this guy, and of course, we're doing the whole thing in English. I feel like I might have gone a bit overboard with my wording 😁 Hopefully, he actually got what I was trying to say.

Nicole Barrett76 said:He might take a short stroll through the neighborhood, but only briefly. I suspect he might actually find it easiest to confide in me. His liver is failing, which I know because when I visited him at his house, a neighbor—his aunt—came by to see him. She commented on how yellow his face had become, and that is certainly a sign of liver issues.

While we were speaking, his demeanor suddenly shifted. Because my vision isn't what it used to be, I didn't catch the change immediately, but his mother noticed instantly and became agitated. She told me that if I couldn't be polite in front of guests, I should just go to my own room, which I found to be quite inhumane of her. It is incredibly difficult to care for a šizofreničar for over twenty years, even if they are your own son. It is just as difficult to support someone who lives with any kind of disability.

At that moment, the šizofreničar said to his aunt: "You accused me in front of the world, telling me I should be ashamed because I have a four or five-year-old child with a woman." At that exact second, no one was even talking about him; I honestly don't know what the topic was. Only the television was on, and it seems his phobias are most intense whenever the TV is running.

He hears voices telling him things like: "We are going to cut his military pension," or "We are going to send his mother to a nursing home." If the news anchor mentions a politician's name, a voice tells him: "Hey, you just cursed out that politician." From what I can tell, the voices aren't usually addressing him directly; instead, they mostly talk about him and his mother in the third person. That is, except for when they accuse him of cursing. Even if the television isn't on, the voices will still accuse him: "Hey, you just cursed out Nicole Barrett76."

His entire life has flipped upside down. He sleeps all day and stays awake all night smoking. It appears as though he functions more easily under the cover of darkness, or perhaps this "easier functioning" is merely an illusion because others cannot see the shifts in his facial expressions or hear the voices he hears.

With schizophrenia, sleep deprivation is pretty much a given. But we're talking about going 6 or 7 days without rest. Just imagine if you were a "normal" person and tried to pull six days without sleep. You'd be a ghost.

And from what I've gathered through my own experiences, the first thing they do is hit you with Haldol. It’s heavy-duty sedation—enough to knock out a horse. You know? They just want to force your sleep cycle back into rhythm. That's their primary goal: just get them to sleep.

There's this interesting theory that a šizofreničar is essentially hearing their own voice, just in a different tone. Does that make sense? It’s like a slight shift that makes them feel like a third party is reaching out to them, when in reality, it's just their own internal monologue. It's a fascinating concept. I think there was some research done on it, but I'm not sure how it wrapped up.

Nicole Barrett76 said:I once had the opportunity to spend time with a "schizophrenic from the VA" who takes a massive amount of medication; he even begged for higher doses, but his psychiatrists refused because they were already pushing the absolute maximum. He was taking ten to twelve different types of psychotropic drugs two or three times a day. If there is any silver lining, it is that he has a military pension, having been diagnosed with schizophrenia in his early twenties. I suspect he had a genetic predisposition, and his service in the military was merely the "trigger" that violently set the illness in motion.

Harold Anderson3, please forgive me if I offended you with that post. I intended to add more but forgot, so I am adding it now: your posts, just like those from Jose Ward4, Carol Barrett2, and the others who stop by occasionally, sound completely coherent. I do not consider any of you to be a "schizophrenic from the VA."

That acquaintance of mine, the schizophrenic I spent time with, has ended our friendship. I find myself at a crossroads, wondering: if I attempt to push our connection a little further in hopes of mmmmmmaybe helping him even slightly, would that constitute a violation of his free will? And yet, if I refrain from reaching out, am I truly respecting his autonomy? Is his true free will to remain isolated, or is the illness itself imposing this self-isolation upon him?

He told me he smokes heavily and spends nearly $500 on cigarettes alone. When I asked why he wouldn't just switch to rolling his own tobacco—which would be about three times cheaper—he said he simply lacked the willpower. It breaks my heart to see him waste so much money on smoking, and I feel such profound sorrow that I cannot impart knowledge regarding nutritional approaches to mitigating schizophrenic symptoms, which might eventually allow him to reduce his antipsychotic intake, especially since he is near the ceiling of what is safe. Unfortunately, American psychiatrists tend to scoff at nutritional or any other holistic approaches.

That’s the truth of it. Even the psychiatrists themselves don't fully grasp where schizophrenia originates. They can explain the biochemistry—what’s happening inside the body—but the actual root cause remains a mystery. They point to one trigger, then another, but fundamentally, nobody knows. And it's devastating when someone retreats so far into their own world that they can't step foot outside, or they lose the very will to live. I've seen it all during my time at the hospital, truly everything. When you look at these people, it’s almost like they’re suffering from pure phobias. Fear of this, fear of that—never a moment of peace. In layman's terms, to me, that's what it looks like. Sure, some deal with voices that aren't friendly, but despite all that, they somehow manage to function. The catch is that while the pills dampen those symptoms, they bring massive side effects, both physically and mentally. Personally, I think these meds should be used preventatively to stabilize someone, and once they're steady, the real work of healing begins. You shouldn't be on them forever; long-term use wreaks havoc on the whole system, from diabetes to liver cirrhosis. Listen, after years of that kind of usage, his liver definitely isn't what it used to be. But doctors always give the same line: "It's just something you have to manage." Look, if he doesn't want to come out, maybe the best thing is to let him be. Maybe just drop by his apartment or his room a couple of times a week just to chat. Give him a little distraction. Or, if he's up for it, maybe a quick walk around the neighborhood.

Nicole Barrett76 said:It is difficult for me to truly grasp the nuances of your situation, as I possess no knowledge of your life beyond what you choose to share in your posts. However, is it not fundamentally better to be employed than to remain idle? As for myself, I have not held any position, nor have I received even a single paycheck from part-time work, since 2012.

It is truly a blessing that your position remains secure, for as you so rightly pointed out, isn't it far better to simply work diligently while the opportunity lasts? I find myself thinking that a layoff is not on my horizon, as there is absolutely nothing to suggest such an outcome is imminent.

I find myself constantly dreaming of finding a stable, low-stress career—one where you aren't constantly looking over your shoulder, terrified that a sudden layoff might leave you with nothing. Is it too much to ask for a position where you don't live under the constant shadow of uncertainty? Technically, according to federal disability laws, I should be able to retain my benefits even if I attempt to work, but the reality is far more precarious; everything hinges entirely on how a single caseworker at the Social Security Administration chooses to interpret the regulations. If I were to manage to secure even a part-time role, would the system simply collapse upon me? $500 I am simply asking to receive that amount in my hands—though, naturally, I expect a portion to be diverted toward taxes, provided I can finally secure those funds. $500 If I could just receive those funds directly—plus an equal amount in tax credits, I think—life would feel significantly more manageable. And don't even get me started on how much easier things would be if I actually had a steady, full-time job! Is there any effort I wouldn't put forth to bolster my immune system? Synthetic hormones simply aren't natural, and because they lack that organic essence, they just don't seem nearly as effective.

Everything related to the medical field has become prohibitively expensive, costing as much as precious gemstones. I find myself wondering: are expectations of earning three to four times the net median income actually realistic? But what is all that wealth truly worth when only one in fifty or one in a hundred visually impaired individuals can even secure employment?

One must also consider the reality of retirement. If you aren't working, how exactly do you intend to fund your later years? Those diagnosed with schizophrenia typically face onset in their thirties, but if one hasn't been battling a chronic condition since before eighteen—much like myself, having dealt with illness since I was merely three years old—securing disability benefits becomes an exponentially more difficult struggle.

Is there anything more rewarding than manual labor? Unless, of course, you’re working like a pack mule, there is a certain clarity found in physical tasks that those who dwell solely in their own heads simply cannot grasp—those of us who struggle to navigate the complexities of human interaction. I certainly am no saint in this regard; I can manage six hours of social engagement before the weight of it becomes too much. If I have to handle more than three people at once, it feels overwhelming. Even in my own home, having more than two guests feels like a crowd. When my mother, my guests, and I are all squeezed together, there is no room for anyone to truly express themselves, and they end up drowning out everything else with their mindless chatter. It would be such a blessing if people actually listened, but unfortunately, my opportunities to socialize are often limited to those who barely finished middle school.

If a physically demanding career is truly draining the life out of you, and if you possess even a modicum of social aptitude, could there perhaps be a more tranquil path available? Might one consider working at a local newsstand or a small convenience kiosk, selling magazines and various sundries? It isn't exactly a complex endeavor, is it? Customers simply arrive at your station, and you greet them with a polite "Good morning" or ask, "How may I assist you today?" They state their needs, provide the funds, and you simply process the transaction, hand over the receipt, and bid them farewell.

But isn't the pay for such a position simply abysmal? One wouldn't even be able to afford to live alone in an apartment; instead, you'd be forced to take on a roommate, and let's be honest, even that kind of lifestyle is far from easy. So many people end up working grueling jobs, or even picking up second shifts, just so they can eventually afford that tiny sliver of solitude in their own place—that precious moment of being truly alone during their limited free time.

Living alone in an apartment in Washington, D.C. is becoming increasingly difficult, isn't it? The city has transformed into such a massive tourist hub that rent prices have skyrocketed recently, even though they were already quite steep to begin with.

Perhaps one could consider registering at an address outside of Washington, D.C., but wouldn't your psychiatrist potentially find out? If that happened, you would be forced to switch to a local provider in that area, and if you have been seeing your current doctor for a long time, isn't that hardly a viable solution? While registering elsewhere might result in a lower local income tax—thereby slightly increasing your take-home pay—one has to wonder, just how much of a difference would it actually make?

You’re really overthinking this one. Look, once someone dealing with anxiety and depression gets into remission, they can hold down just about any job they want. If they're stable, they're stable.

But I’m not talking about the schizophrenia patients you see at the local psychiatric ward—the ones who are technically in remission. They let the most intense cases work there, people who might be popping ten pills in a single dose. We're talking ten in the morning, ten at noon, and ten before bed. Harold Anderson3 wouldn't even be able to handle a job like that if he wasn't feeling steady. He isn't exactly living the dream, but he's doing alright. He's doing okay.

Harold Anderson3 said:I don't have any more of those, haha 🙂

All jokes aside, I haven't been feeling like myself at all this week. It all started when a colleague and I drank some water from a local river that looked perfectly fine, but it ended up giving us both two days of terrible stomach issues. Then, on Wednesday, I had a few too many drinks, and I just haven't been able to snap out of it since. I've been feeling depressed, foggy, lost, sluggish, and just totally spaced out for the last three or four days.
I'm just thankful I don't have to work next week; I'm really hoping I can use the time to get my head straight and recover. I'm dealing with a few other health hurdles too, and honestly, seeing the balance on my checking account isn't helping my stress levels one bit. 🥱

That kind of stuff is brutal. Honestly, I ate some questionable eggs today and my stomach was killing me—more diarrhea, though maybe it was just the coffee.

Anyway, I'm feeling much better today. I've got things to do tomorrow, so I'm hoping for a slower pace.

I just wanted to mention how messed up it is. I was at a shop somewhere recently and some girl mentioned—I can't recall exactly where—that there are people who don't leave their apartments for a whole month, or maybe just a couple of times a month. I get the urge to just shut myself away sometimes too, but I've realized that after three or four days, I seriously start looking unwell. My responsibilities usually force me out every second or third day, if not every single day. It really depends on what's on my plate. But honestly, staying cooped up like that isn't healthy at all. Unless you're physically unable to go out, being stuck inside is just asking for trouble. For me, my schedule keeps me moving. And since I live alone, I noticed once when I stayed in for four days straight (I basically went into hiding and worked from home), I felt awful. I didn't look good 😁. I was practically itching to get outside. I can only imagine how hard it must be for someone who only sees the sun or feels it on their skin a few times a month.

Hey, Rebecca Rivera3, how’ve you been?

I just caught the weather report. Looks like we’re staring down another 29 degrees starting Monday. 🤦

Honestly, I am just over this weather. I’m counting down the minutes until the temperature finally breaks and we get some decent rain. I’m craving a real storm—you know, one of those massive cloudbursts. I want thunder, heavy wind, and enough breeze to actually see the branches swaying in the trees. Just a beautiful, cleansing thunderstorm. Today was alright, I guess, except for the humidity outside. It was brutal. Thank goodness I had the AC running when the rain started hitting, because that’s the only way to pull the moisture out of the air. It was the only moment I could actually catch my breath. Just a few more days and hopefully this heatwave breaks. I really hope so.

Yeah, exactly. The guy isn't just playing games when it comes to any of this.

Rebecca Rivera3 said:Sometimes I look at myself and feel proud of how well I’m holding up. But then I stop, look around, and wonder where I would be if I weren't going through all of this right now.
That's when it hits me—I'm actually crying on the inside. Even though I try to cherish every single moment and make the most of every day.
I am just counting down the days until those lab results come back, so I can finally put all of this behind me.
They say life tests you to see how much you can carry... well, I don't know anymore. I'm just waiting to see what's next. If things don't improve, I honestly don't think I have any strength left to carry this burden.
I'm feeling pretty low today. A friend told me I'd be a perfect ten if I wasn't sick. It was so disheartening; it’s like he thinks my value is tied to being healthy, or like he can't even wrap his head around someone living with an illness. Thinking about it that way makes me realize I'll probably never find a boyfriend. Every time I actually like someone, I pull away immediately because I know they wouldn't want to be with me if they knew I likely had MS.

Well, when life just hits you hard.

Rebecca Rivera3 said:Sometimes I look at myself and feel proud of how well I’m holding up. But then I stop, look around, and wonder where I would be if I weren't going through all of this right now.
That's when it hits me—I'm actually crying on the inside. Even though I try to cherish every single moment and make the most of every day.
I am just counting down the days until those lab results come back, so I can finally put all of this behind me.
They say life tests you to see how much you can carry... well, I don't know anymore. I'm just waiting to see what's next. If things don't improve, I honestly don't think I have any strength left to carry this burden.
I'm feeling pretty low today. A friend told me I'd be a perfect ten if I wasn't sick. It was so disheartening; it’s like he thinks my value is tied to being healthy, or like he can't even wrap his head around someone living with an illness. Thinking about it that way makes me realize I'll probably never find a boyfriend. Every time I actually like someone, I pull away immediately because I know they wouldn't want to be with me if they knew I likely had MS.

Don't do that. Seriously, try to find some optimism. I know it’s a massive struggle right now, but just look around at what other people are dealing with. Look at the stories online. It’s probably incredibly isolating feeling like you're fighting this whole battle on your own, but please, don't give up. I really think things will feel lighter once you get those test results back—especially if they come back positive for you. Honestly? You might just need a break from the constant mental loop. Maybe hold off on picking up the results for a day or two. Don't just force yourself into a state of pure agony. Sometimes, it's actually better to just leave the Band-Aid on for a little while longer.

Rebecca Rivera3 said:Sometimes I look at myself and feel proud of how well I’m holding up. But then I stop, look around, and wonder where I would be if I weren't going through all of this right now.
That's when it hits me—I'm actually crying on the inside. Even though I try to cherish every single moment and make the most of every day.
I am just counting down the days until those lab results come back, so I can finally put all of this behind me.
They say life tests you to see how much you can carry... well, I don't know anymore. I'm just waiting to see what's next. If things don't improve, I honestly don't think I have any strength left to carry this burden.
I'm feeling pretty low today. A friend told me I'd be a perfect ten if I wasn't sick. It was so disheartening; it’s like he thinks my value is tied to being healthy, or like he can't even wrap his head around someone living with an illness. Thinking about it that way makes me realize I'll probably never find a boyfriend. Every time I actually like someone, I pull away immediately because I know they wouldn't want to be with me if they knew I likely had MS.

Look, at the end of the day, it all boils down to one thing: what does he actually bring to the table? That’s the real question. So... yeah.

Rebecca Rivera3 said:True, there isn't even definitive proof that chemotherapy actually works consistently. Sometimes it does, but even the doctors don't fully grasp why or how. The principle seems to be destroying infected cells—cells hijacked by cancer. The issue arises if the treatment is too aggressive; it can wreck your entire system, making it impossible for the body to function. Maybe those newer "smart" drugs will change things, but even then, we have questions about their mechanism.

It wasn't any psychiatric medication I took in the past that caused this; I haven't touched those in years. Plus, I recently went through a blood cleansing procedure. So, regarding my blood levels, those meds couldn't have caused these specific consequences.
I'm not sure; I need to contact my hematology clinic to figure out what's going on.

As for chemo... look, if it saves someone, fine. But the problem is if you view cancer like a virus. There’s a chance that even after chemo kills it, the spread continues relentlessly. It feels like fighting a losing battle. I lost a close family member to this exact thing.

I haven't mentioned this yet, but I had surgery to remove a tumor four months ago. I have the pathology report, and it doesn't look good. I honestly don't know if they got all of it. I'll know for sure in a few months. If it's a disaster, well, I'll just have to deal with it...
I could go to a private specialist right now to get checked, but I'm too scared, so I'm waiting for my scheduled follow-up at the hospital. Once that happens, I'll know the outcome. I'll know whether I'm finally free of the tumor or not, and what my next move has to be.

Some people swear it’s a fungus. They link the whole thing back to Autophagy. From what I’ve gathered, those folks who have been studying Autophagy since the 70s or 80s aren't just looking for a cure—they want to trigger a process where cancer basically dismantles itself. Then you have the other crowd claiming it’s some kind of fungal growth, or perhaps a cellular transformation where healthy cells mutate into cancer cells on a massive scale. Honestly, they might be onto something. The consensus among all these groups seems to be that it all boils down to diet and managing your body's pH levels. They say you need to ditch the cigarettes and stay far away from alcohol. Some even take it a step further, suggesting you should go fully vegan and cut out meat entirely. In my view, Autophagy acts as the ultimate preventative measure. That’s how I see it, anyway. But the real question is: how can anyone actually know for sure? The worst part is when a diagnosis actually hits you; then everything turns into this frantic, desperate scramble. I can't even wrap my head around that kind of panic. I remember seeing it at the hospital where my father was staying—older patients seem to handle the news with a bit more grace. It’s heartbreaking, really. You see situations where they have to distance themselves from their own flesh and blood—their children, their grandkids—just to cope. It’s heavy stuff.

Rebecca Rivera3 said:True, there isn't even definitive proof that chemotherapy actually works consistently. Sometimes it does, but even the doctors don't fully grasp why or how. The principle seems to be destroying infected cells—cells hijacked by cancer. The issue arises if the treatment is too aggressive; it can wreck your entire system, making it impossible for the body to function. Maybe those newer "smart" drugs will change things, but even then, we have questions about their mechanism.

It wasn't any psychiatric medication I took in the past that caused this; I haven't touched those in years. Plus, I recently went through a blood cleansing procedure. So, regarding my blood levels, those meds couldn't have caused these specific consequences.
I'm not sure; I need to contact my hematology clinic to figure out what's going on.

As for chemo... look, if it saves someone, fine. But the problem is if you view cancer like a virus. There’s a chance that even after chemo kills it, the spread continues relentlessly. It feels like fighting a losing battle. I lost a close family member to this exact thing.

I haven't mentioned this yet, but I had surgery to remove a tumor four months ago. I have the pathology report, and it doesn't look good. I honestly don't know if they got all of it. I'll know for sure in a few months. If it's a disaster, well, I'll just have to deal with it...
I could go to a private specialist right now to get checked, but I'm too scared, so I'm waiting for my scheduled follow-up at the hospital. Once that happens, I'll know the outcome. I'll know whether I'm finally free of the tumor or not, and what my next move has to be.

🙂

Rebecca Rivera3 said:True, there isn't even definitive proof that chemotherapy actually works consistently. Sometimes it does, but even the doctors don't fully grasp why or how. The principle seems to be destroying infected cells—cells hijacked by cancer. The issue arises if the treatment is too aggressive; it can wreck your entire system, making it impossible for the body to function. Maybe those newer "smart" drugs will change things, but even then, we have questions about their mechanism.

It wasn't any psychiatric medication I took in the past that caused this; I haven't touched those in years. Plus, I recently went through a blood cleansing procedure. So, regarding my blood levels, those meds couldn't have caused these specific consequences.
I'm not sure; I need to contact my hematology clinic to figure out what's going on.

As for chemo... look, if it saves someone, fine. But the problem is if you view cancer like a virus. There’s a chance that even after chemo kills it, the spread continues relentlessly. It feels like fighting a losing battle. I lost a close family member to this exact thing.

I haven't mentioned this yet, but I had surgery to remove a tumor four months ago. I have the pathology report, and it doesn't look good. I honestly don't know if they got all of it. I'll know for sure in a few months. If it's a disaster, well, I'll just have to deal with it...
I could go to a private specialist right now to get checked, but I'm too scared, so I'm waiting for my scheduled follow-up at the hospital. Once that happens, I'll know the outcome. I'll know whether I'm finally free of the tumor or not, and what my next move has to be.

I’ve got my fingers crossed. I really hope everything turns out okay.

I was watching this woman on YouTube yesterday—I can't recall her name right now—talking about how chemotherapy actually worked for her. It was the first time I’d heard a story like that, and honestly, I'm just glad she had that luck. She was basically at death's door, with only a few days left, all because her family doctor kept insisting it was just bronchitis. It wasn't until she collapsed at Silver City that they realized how serious things really were. She was so young, too, and they told her straight up that they weren't sure she'd make it. But it worked. It’s a relief when the oncologists and specialists are actually competent people. It made me think back to my old man. When she described those side effects from the chemo, I just thought, "Thank God my dad never had to go through that." You need palliative care at home, especially given his stage and how much weight he’d lost. You can't just walk around looking for that kind of help. She sounded so fragile. The big question remains, though: what caused it in the first place? That's the eternal mystery. I’m starting to think that treatment has the strongest impact on younger patients. My dad wouldn't have been able to handle it; hearing her talk, I just know he couldn't have. And honestly, it’s better that he passed the way he did. He spent those last few days in pain, bleeding and drifting in and out of consciousness, but up until then, he was okay. As okay as anyone can be. The doctors over at Rabbit are truly wonderful; they genuinely care about their patients. They treat you like little babies. The only thing that feels brutal is when, right after the diagnosis and tests, they look you in the eye and say, "You're going to die." They tell you that you're dying from cancer with such cold, clinical detachment. But even so, you can tell they care. It’s fine once they explain everything and lay out your options. After that, it’s up to you and your family to decide. So, it's alright. They really do look after people there. And the nurses? Total saints. They pamper you like you're a newborn. I remember it vividly.

Rebecca Rivera3 said:Does anyone know anything about leukopenia? I’ve suddenly ended up with a low eosinophil count for reasons I can't quite wrap my head around. Just got my bloodwork back and... well, here we are.

Oh man. I honestly can't believe it. It's always like that—once the hammer drops, it just hits you all at once. Seriously, damn them for not catching this sooner. Who knows what those pills have actually been doing to your system? Between the psych meds and whatever else you're taking now... total crooks.

Rebecca Rivera3 said:If you want my honest opinion.
Carol Barrett2, you aren't exactly hitting the mark here. You’re overhyping certain films and projects, and honestly, it feels like you're doing it because you're starving for validation or feeling like you haven't achieved enough.
You're drifting a bit far from reality. My advice? Spend some more time with your family or someone close who has known you forever. Everyone loves you, you're clearly a good person, and there's really no reason to chase what you're chasing. Just accept yourself and be content. Find other ways to stay busy; obsessing over this isn't great for your mental health—it pulls you further from reality. You seem to think that by elevating yourself, you won't be vulnerable or that you'll somehow stand above everyone else. But you know what's truly in your heart and why you feel this need. Think about that; it might actually help you feel better.

As for Jose Ward4, he’s just been a bit more down lately due to some timing and circumstances he hasn't wanted to disclose. The question is whether he's slipping into depression; clinically speaking, that’s when it lasts longer than three weeks. But from where I'm standing, he seems to have enough strength to fight through it. He's been dealing with this for a year now and is slowly finding his balance again.

bok Njušica. Thanks for the reply. Honestly, life has been kicking my teeth in lately—sorry for the bluntness—but I won't go into all the specifics of why things are hitting the fan right now. I’ve already picked up enough negative vibes, especially from women, telling me I shouldn't talk about certain things. But truthfully? I’m feeling better today. I’ve got this whole mess with my drainage system to deal with, which is a headache, but I'll get it sorted eventually. Right now, the legal stuff is what’s really getting under my skin. As for the depression part... yeah, it held onto me for a bit. I’m actually heading out today just to clear my head and start fresh. Funny enough, I actually thrive in gloomy weather. It feels calmer, more soothing, especially lately. I am genuinely looking forward to autumn. I love that gray, rainy weather where you can just breathe. I really miss it. I'm hoping I can power through this stretch so things stabilize. Maybe I'm overthinking it because I haven't quite found my center yet—not the way I want to be. Or maybe I am exaggerating. Who knows? This whole transition is massive, but I just have to hang in there.

Carol Barrett2 said:Maybe it’s just this weather. You know how it is—one minute it's fine, the next it’s miserable—and that kind of stuff can really mess with your head. But if you're actually feeling off, maybe it's worth talking to a therapist.

That’s what mine told me, anyway. Said whenever I'm struggling, I should just reach out to him.

Could just be a phase, though.

Thanks for looking out for me. And no, it isn't a "gay" thing 😁. I’m actually feeling much better today. Things are finally clicking into place in my head, I think that's why. I won't get into the weeds about it right now, but that's the gist. I feel significantly better already, and who knows what's ahead.

For a few different reasons, I lost my nutrition, so I'm trusting that everything will balance itself out eventually. The main thing is staying stable. I haven't been very stable lately. And honestly, being alone plays a huge role here. There are things I used to obsess over that I've stopped thinking about, but I know the reasons why; only my closest friends and inner circle really know the truth. I'm hoping things keep looking up. At the end of the day, it’s all about what’s going on inside you—at least, that’s how it feels to me right now. When you lose your sense of self, it feels like you've lost everything. It’s going to take some time. Anyway, I don't want to go back to my old ways.