Frank Lewis3 said:Greetings. I’ve been conducting a sort of personal retrospective since my freshman year of college, primarily because I’ve sensed a persistent misalignment in my interpersonal relationships. I am looking for some perspectives here. Perhaps this falls under the realm of psychology, so feel free to approach it from whatever angle you see fit. It will likely be a lengthy reflection, so read at your own discretion.
I suppose one must start with childhood. Growing up, I was never presented with a positive model of how things should work, and there were certainly traumas involved, which I suspect lies at the heart of my current struggles. It is easy enough to rationalize these things once you reach adulthood, isn't it? But when you are just a kid, nothing makes sense—not the why, nor the how. Because of that environment, I never felt comfortable discussing emotions or anything deeply personal; instead, I spent my energy finding ways to escape that domestic reality and find some semblance of peace. I threw myself into academics and sports—anything to stay active and distracted. Even then, I could tell my anxieties were different from my peers, though I still managed to fit in.
Now, as I approach the end of my degree, I realize I haven't moved much further from that mindset. While people generally accept me, I don't engage in any profound connections. I tend to avoid deep social circles, or rather, I navigate them with a sort of half-professional detachment before retreating back into my own world.
To be honest, I haven't reached a definitive conclusion. Is it that I lack emotions entirely? I don't believe that's the case. Have I simply avoided feeling them for so long that this numbness has become my baseline? Or is it possible that some people are just fundamentally wired this way, and that is simply the end of the matter?
Regarding women, I always held onto the naive idea that "the right one" would eventually arrive. Today, however, I am not even certain if I am searching for anything at all. It isn't that I am actively avoiding it, but rather that I have no idea what I want—or if I even want anything. In an era where everything seems to revolve around superficial drama and who is sleeping with whom, I find I have zero desire to even experiment, especially when I haven't even mastered the fundamentals of my own being. How can I possibly suggest to someone that we "try holding hands" when I am still trying to figure out if I even enjoy the sensation?
I am at a loss for what else to say...
Sorry, I trimmed your post down a bit. Take a look at the thread titled "Emotional Invalid"—it's right next to yours. A girl started it because she was dealing with similar issues, and we wrote quite a lot to her...
It’s hard to give you a concrete solution for your situation, other than suggesting some serious self-reflection and maybe seeing a therapist...
And you hit the nail on the head—so much of modern life is just centered around sex. It’s sad, really, but many people don't even recognize love anymore because everything and anything is being marketed under its name...
The bottom line is this: to solve your dilemma, you need a genuine, internal drive to deepen a connection—a desire to actually feel intense emotions and love within a relationship. You also need a partner who will motivate you toward that. Don't force yourself into a relationship or settle for just holding hands simply because it feels like "what everyone else does"...
It’s vital to stay self-aware. If you find yourself in a relationship where those deep emotions just aren't sparking for you, it’s better to end things as soon as possible. Otherwise, you risk causing a lot of pain to the other person...