Posts by Casey Morgan26

I didn't get a wink of sleep last night, and honestly, I don't have any of my sleep aids on me right now since I'm out on the road...
I didn't even bother packing them because I hadn't touched them in four and a half months. During all that time, I wasn't dealing with sleepless nights—it was more just having a little trouble drifting off, sometimes more than others, but nothing major...
But now, being mid-trip and unable to get a hold of my medication? It’s hit me hard. I've gone two or three nights in a row without any sleep at all over the last few days...
It’s enough to drive anyone absolutely crazy...

Look, there’s really no need to go at each other's throats on my account...
I originally started this thread just to see what kind of experiences people have dealing with this. I’ll admit, I was feeling a bit more on edge when I first posted, but my intention was simply to hear from others... especially if anyone here has actually managed to overcome it...
It’s true, though, that insomnia—along with everything else—is usually just a symptom of something deeper...
I had a pretty good idea back in the day about the root causes and the things that weigh me down; basically, just a poorly managed lifestyle. Since then, I've been digging deeper, trying to find the actual triggers... until that phase finally passed. Though, honestly, knowing that might not do much for the sleeplessness itself, maybe just a little...
At least lately, I’ve been sleeping a bit better than before, back when I was constantly tossing and turning and feeling utterly exhausted. Now, it’s hit or miss—a few good nights followed by a few bad ones. It’s all so unpredictable...
My internal clock is completely shot. Most days I end up crashing in the morning, so I can't even tell you how chaotic my routine has become lately. It’s almost like I fall asleep out of spite, right when I least expect it. For instance, passing out in the morning only to sleep through half the day, leaving me wide awake at night—which is terrifying. Or it happens after I overeat, and I really hate that habit...
It seems it’s true that the only lasting fix for insomnia is addressing the underlying issues on a deeper level... I just haven't figured out how to actually achieve that yet...

I wanted to start a thread for anyone else out there struggling with insomnia... how long has this been your reality?
Has it completely shifted the way you live your life, or have you found a way to manage the chaos?
Honestly, I never realized sleep could become such an overwhelming, heavy burden...
It’s not even about being shocked or feeling depressed anymore, or even mourning what I lost. It’s just pure, unadulterated hatred. I hate my life, I hate everything surrounding me. I despise this whole mess, and frankly, I feel like if I just stopped existing tomorrow, it wouldn't matter. Why bother trying to function when I can't even live like a normal person?
It’s exhausting. Everything feels like too much, and I'm just... done. I'm tired of looking for a purpose in a life that feels broken. It seems like one disaster after another follows me around, and now, on top of everything else, I'm stuck with this.

I haven't really experienced that specific sensation...
but I have had those moments where I’ll just stop moving, and suddenly it feels like I’m on a spinning carnival ride, just tilting up and down. I can't quite put my finger on it. For a split second, everything just shifts, and it's like being stuck in an elevator where the floor drops out from under you—that sinking feeling of falling... and then it happens again, over and over, like I'm just plummeting downward...
The first time it hit me was right after I finally managed to get off those sleeping pills, so I honestly figured it was just the withdrawal, or maybe just pure exhaustion from lack of sleep...
but it didn't stop there; it happened several more times after that...

Lucky you, working in a lab... I always dreamed of doing something like that. Not molecular biology specifically, mind you, but something in that vein...
The truth is, I didn't major in bio because there wasn't a program like that in my hometown, and honestly? I just didn't have the guts. I was this confused, overweight kid back when I was nineteen. I moved to a new district during high school and just never felt like I fit in. I stopped doing everything I actually loved. I ended up gaining over twenty pounds back then—just a cycle of binge eating and then trying to starve myself to lose it. That’s basically how my high school years went... just eating...
So, I ended up enrolling in what I did enroll in. I sat through classes and studied, even though my heart wasn't in it, mostly just because I wanted to get it over with as fast as possible...
If I had actually studied what I was passionate about, I probably would have been an incredible student. I would have finished without all this struggle...
In the end, I felt the most regret during my freshman year. Later on, I managed to push those feelings down, sort of bury them. But then, right as I was becoming a senior, the insomnia hit. And since I had no idea what to do with myself, I turned to meditation. That's when it all came flooding back—everything I had spent years trying to suppress. I suddenly felt like I was fifteen again. I thought I had left that version of myself in the past, thought I had buried it and put it to rest, but there I was, feeling like a teenager. This intense, overwhelming longing for the things I used to love... it was like a total split in my personality. Like the fifteen-year-old inside me was demanding to live a completely different life, somewhere else entirely from where I am now...
Instead, I've dragged myself to this point through pure misery, making endless sacrifices and struggling through mediocre grades—though, frankly, I couldn't care less about the grades...
Now, I'm just listless. I have zero motivation to study this garbage, yet at the same time, I'm frustrated with myself for dragging out this damn degree for so long...
And deep down, I know I don't see myself ever working in the field this degree is actually for...
I just don't know what to do with my life. I have no drive, no will, and nothing brings me any joy anymore...
When I look back at the last eight or nine years, it feels like a complete waste. Years of endurance and bitterness, followed by binge eating and weight gain, several depressive episodes, and now, finally, nine and a half months of brutal insomnia—which hasn't really let up, just softened slightly...
I'm just sick of everything. Honestly, it would have been better if I had never been born. If I were to drop dead tomorrow, I wouldn't have anything to mourn, nor would I feel any regret...
So much of my life has slipped away uselessly. My best years, gone forever, for nothing...
I used to have the strength and the energy to fight, to keep pushing forward, but toward what? In the end, all I get is this massive void, this profound hopelessness, dark circles under my eyes, and headaches from lack of sleep. Just heavy, agonizing moments and this crushing pressure in my head—it's psychological, I don't even know how to describe it...
And I'm just furious. I hate myself, I hate my family, I hate everything around me...
I've just realized that nothing is working out for me. It's just not meant to be. And if it isn't, then what's the point in fighting? It's futile...
It seems like my family and their constant drama and nonsense will follow me for the rest of my life. I thought moving out would fix it, that I could escape it all, but clearly, that was an illusion...

Ryan Robinson10 said:I find this absolutely fascinating. Could someone, please, walk me through the psychological roots of such a compulsion? What exactly goes on in your mind—what specific internal drive compels you to perform that exact action just to feel functional? Most people have little quirks or subconscious habits they fall into, but it rarely escalates into something quite this profound... I'm not entirely sure. Does anyone actually have an explanation for why that need becomes so overwhelming?

Well, if I may offer an explanation... I deal with similar obsessive-compulsive behaviors myself, more or less...
It’s quite simple, really. When you're dealing with overwhelming anxiety, fear, restlessness, deep dread, dark thoughts, or even full-blown panic attacks... you feel forced to perform these certain actions just to find some semblance of calm. It's a way to cope, I suppose....

lol if I tried listening to those lectures on cassette late at night, I’d probably end up having a total nervous breakdown 😁 ...

So, I finally finished up my degree... though, if I'm being honest, I barely ever actually showed up to the lectures because they were just so incredibly dull...
I ended up dealing with some pretty bad insomnia, mostly because of exam stress and spending way too much time scrolling through the internet and stuff...

Which method, tell me...

bluemason3 said:Yeah, I’m with you there. That’s my main gripe too. Everything else isn't even that controversial, except for how much they overhype it just to feel different from everyone else. I mean... people can do whatever they want. It's not illegal or anything. 😁
I usually end up being the one who looks like a total fool for even bringing it up. 😁

And then they have the nerve to claim that meditation works for absolutely everyone... which, let's be honest, just isn't true...

I know they hand them out based on whatever year you were born, but honestly, they just have about ten standard mantras they give to everyone... then they spin this whole story about how it’s some special, personalized mantra meant specifically for you...
and yeah, that's pretty much how the whole initiation process goes...
But what I find most ridiculous is how they market themselves as just this "stress relief and relaxation technique" that supposedly has nothing to do with religion, only to turn around later and lecture you with all their specific philosophy and religious doctrines....

What else is just fundamentally flawed about their theories? It’s this idea that once you finally shake off all your stress, you’ll somehow start living a "real" life... as if being totally immune to pressure means you just end up vegetating like some kind of houseplant...
I mean, look at someone like Beethoven. He composed those legendary symphonies precisely because he lost his hearing, and that struggle was what drove him...

I don't know. My psychiatrist just switched me over to these non-habit-forming pills, and honestly, that's basically all our sessions consist of now—just tweaking the dosage up or down...
I've heard about that St. John's Wort, too. Apparently, you have to take it consistently for a long time before anything happens...

So, I was at a TM instructor's place for a check-in the other day, and the guy seemed incredibly irritated by my comments or just my general vibe. I honestly can't pin down what exactly rubbed him the wrong way, but you could tell he was visibly tense, like he was barely holding back from just blowing up at me...
I don't know... that doesn't really strike me as how someone who’s supposedly enlightened—someone who’s been meditating for twenty years (and charges a fortune for some mediocre mantra that you aren't even allowed to share with anyone, it's strictly yours, yet everyone gets the exact same thing anyway)—should act. And it didn't even make sense to me why the books insist you can only learn this through a teacher; couldn't you just read the instructions on a piece of paper and figure it out yourself?
And then there's that silly Maharishi channel they have where they spend all day droning on about nonsense like the "invincible nation." Then you have Maharishi claiming he has this grand blueprint for world peace involving how governments should be structured and even how houses should be built. Honestly, who comes up with this stuff? 😂...
Oh, and they actually celebrate Maharishi's birthday like it's some major national holiday. It was even being broadcast on TV, which was just... lol.
Anyway, I have no clue why I annoyed the instructor. Maybe it was because my landlord asked me what that music playing on the channel was, and I just told her I wasn't really into that Indian music. I mean, it isn't terrible, it's just not my style. Plus, I mentioned that Hinduism feels a bit strange to me; if I had to pick an Eastern religion, Buddhism seems more grounded, though I generally stay away from all of it. Even Christianity, really. It seems to me that when people struggling with anxiety or depression latch onto a religion, they tend to become overly obsessed with it...
And I think I added, well, that TM is just a technique...
That's when the instructor lost it. First, he started lecturing me about the Bhagavad Gita, and when he saw me just eating a cookie and not paying attention, he stormed off into another room for about twenty minutes...
When he finally came back, he was dead silent before announcing that the session was over. Later on, he started rambling about how TM isn't a religion, but also how it *is* a religion. He even used this weird analogy that common spices aren't a religion, but they kind of are.
He went on about how this all stems from ancient Vedic science and religion, claiming TM is the foundation of all faiths, and that Hinduism, Buddhism, Christianity, Islam, and Judaism have all lost touch with that core. He even claimed Sanskrit is the proto-language for all European, Indo-European, African, and Asian languages (which, frankly, sounds like total nonsense)...
So, yeah. That's how my last check-in with the instructor wrapped up...

The tricky thing about TM is how they lure you in. They claim it’s just this "relaxation technique" that has absolutely nothing to do with religion and won't require you to overhaul your lifestyle or habits... and then, before you know it, they’re lecturing you on mantra chanting and all that Maharishi nonsense and philosophy...
I actually ended up feeling worse after just five days of TM. My tension, anxiety, and depression spiked, and I felt completely disoriented. It was a total shock to my system; it took me nearly twenty days just to feel steady again...
I originally signed up for the course because I couldn't sleep and was becoming dependent on sleeping pills, but instead, TM just triggered more psychological issues for me...
So, I decided to try practicing it again, but only for five minutes instead of the full twenty... I did that for about nine days. I can't even say what the effects were, really. At times, it would calm me down and quiet my thoughts, but other times it would leave me in this state of lethargy and apathy, or occasionally, it would just irritate my psyche again...
I suppose doing a minute or two of TM before bed helped me fall asleep for a couple of nights...
But my overall impression? TM just stirs up negative emotions in me. It feels like it numbs me out or makes me indifferent to everything around me, giving off this fake sense of peace...
At least, that's how it felt to me...
People say you have to stick with it for at least twenty or thirty days to see the actual results, but honestly, I'm afraid that continuing might just make my mental health even worse...

What I’m specifically wondering about is: why is TM the only one that gets all this scientific scrutiny? They spout all this fluff about a "fourth state of consciousness" and similar nonsense, when in reality, the technique just triggers alpha waves in the brain which induces relaxation, slows down breathing, and lowers metabolism—basically just a way to release some stress...
Apparently, that helps some people resolve health issues, while for others, it creates even bigger problems...

So, I want to know, does only TM have this kind of effect, or do all other forms of meditation work this way?
Is there anything else that could help with insomnia and anxiety?
Maybe some milder meditation or something?
Because clearly, the pills aren't solving the problem, lol...

Is this meditation practice actually as beneficial as all those "scientifically proven" studies claim, or is it just another massive scam?
I can't help but wonder why, in the West, there seems to be such an obsession with researching TM specifically rather than looking into other meditative traditions.
Does TM actually end up doing more harm than good?
And don't even get me started on the whole philosophy behind it... it feels like a twisted version of Hinduism, especially with their claims that Hinduism and all other religions are fundamentally flawed.

So, I just called my homeopathic practitioner to ask when I should start taking that damn remedy she’s supposed to prepare for me... though, if I'm being honest, I don't really believe in this stuff, and I have no idea why I even threw my money away on it in the first place....
I ended up calling her sounding so incredibly gloomy, and she actually tells me, "I can tell by your voice that you sound much better and different." Haha, well, I guess at least that gave me a little laugh for now....
It’s kind of wild, isn't it? The idea that someone could actually sense your entire mood just from the tone of your voice... lol....
Anyway, I think I'll go spend some time scrolling through the internet for a bit 😂 ☕ ...

I’m just sitting here listening to music, and honestly, I actually felt a bit better for a second. Which really just means there's a tiny glimmer of hope that those sleeping pills will actually kick in tonight... and let me get enough rest to tackle studying tomorrow...
It feels like such a ridiculous cycle, doesn't it? Listening to music just to lift my mood enough so that the medication might finally work... it's like everything in my life has become secondary to those little pills...
First, I was listening to that almost masochistic track, you know, "Just a perfect day, drink sangria in the park, and then later when it gets dark we go home"...
That song kind of softens me up at first, gives me some comfort, but then while I'm listening to it, I realize exactly how messed up my actual reality is right now. It makes the contrast between the lyrics and my life today feel... well, heavy...
Then I try switching over to something a bit more upbeat—maybe some rap or something like "Rainy Day"—and it actually lifts me enough that I feel like I could step outside for a quick walk, even though I'm exhausted and feeling pretty drained...
Right now, my mental state is just... completely fractured...

And regarding that whole idea that "if you want something, the entire universe will conspire to help you achieve it," or whatever the quote goes... I don't know. I've always loved that sentiment. I've secretly believed in it. But I can't bring myself to apply it to anything concrete tonight, especially not to these sleeping pills. I can't risk it if they fail me and I lose the last shred of hope I have left...

So, that was the temporary high from the music. Now I'm restless again. I don't even know what to do with myself. I just feel this mounting tension...

I’m feeling incredibly on edge right now—just completely wired and frustrated because I didn't get any sleep again. It means I haven't been able to study enough for this upcoming exam, and honestly? I'm just totally fed up with this university and everything else about my current situation...
Tonight, I’m probably going to just knock myself out with some sleeping pills so I can actually focus on studying tomorrow. Though, who’s to say if that’ll even work? No guarantees there...
What really eats at me, though, is how much my life has changed since these issues with sleeping pills started. I don't even recognize myself anymore; I feel like some shell of a person. I've stopped doing the things I used to love. I'm becoming a shadow of who I once was...
On top of all the other crap I've had to deal with lately, this happens too. It feels like the final straw, you know? It just makes everything feel even more repulsive...
I just feel defeated. Like everything is just too much to handle...
Life is moving forward while I’m stuck in place. Even the biggest idiots and the most crooked people around me seem to be moving ahead, while I'm just left here, frozen and buried...