Posts by jadewalker63

I’m definitely one of those people who thinks psychotropic meds can be useful—they’ve helped me get through some pretty rough patches in my life—but what I just read today is honestly pretty alarming:

http://www.nytimes.com/article/medication-brain-impact--/901662

Lisa Hernandez3 said:I find this incredibly fascinating—mostly because it’s so far removed from my own situation. Examples like this really give hope to those perpetual cynics who seem afraid to actually live life. For women, specifically, if they wait too long, their chances of having more children diminish significantly. You end up potentially seeing only one child, often reaching that stage of parenting just as others are entering their "second youth" and finally relaxing now that their kids are grown. That sense that you might have wasted precious time—well, by definition, that realization hits a bit late. At that point, you just have to make the most of whatever you've got.

He actually wrote that the best thing you can possibly expect from death is simply having someone weep for you—which, I guess, is a rather touching sentiment.

Regarding that matter— I suppose I should probably mention that debts—well, they can really start to pile up if you aren't careful—but honestly, managing them is such a headache. It’s one of those things where everything seems fine until suddenly it isn't, I guess.Parenting—it’s really a two-way street between children and their parents, I suppose. We are, fortunately, civilized enough to understand and respect the various cycles of life. For me, the only parts of those old folklore tales that feel truly haunting or tragic are the episodes involving alienated elderly people. You know, those folks with sunken cheeks and dark circles under their eyes wandering near nursing homes—people I have to pass by, looking all mournful, while I'm just trying to go grab some pastries from a local bakery. Or perhaps it's the abandoned seniors who happen to own nice real estate, or even those who mutter to themselves at a red light—and when I look into their eyes, I can see both a son and a daughter living full, healthy lives elsewhere. It’s sad, really. The very least we can do is afford them a shred of basic dignity, if nothing else. And, I guess, that's exactly what we should expect in return.

I know of a case involving a woman in her fifties—someone who had perfectly healthy children, by all accounts—who passed away from cancer while literally lying in her own waste. Right there in her own home. All alone. And when I think about what she was actually doing to herself in those final moments—she was essentially killing herself, quite literally—it makes me lose all respect for our lack of basic human decency.

Maybe.
But I'll say it again: I’d much rather deal with a cynic who understands their own limits than parents who have kids for all the wrong reasons and have no clue what to do with them. They end up failing both themselves and the kids.

And even that cynic had to be born and raised by someone—likely a parent who had them for the wrong reasons in the first place.

Jessica Rogers4 said:I honestly think that everyone just goes out of their way to hunt for "evidence" in the world around them that backs up whatever they already believe! Like, one person might bring up financial stability (even though they’re busy paying for three massive Golden Retrievers), or someone else might point to things like birth rates in places like Sweden—which actually has some of the highest standards of living but also sees some of the lowest birth rates—or even bring up silly stuff about physical appearance, like how breastfeeding might affect your body, which is just such a weak argument if you ask me... anyway, I won't ramble on too long,
but I truly believe that deciding to have kids, especially multiple children, is an incredibly brave choice. People who are just afraid of responsibility or are acting out of pure selfishness will always find some excuse to talk down against it. Amen.☕

If someone avoids having children because they’re selfish or afraid of the commitment, I actually think they're being more honest toward those potential kids. It beats having them just because society expects it, to boost your social status, or because you're just following an instinct.
Unfortunately, most research suggests that children aren't usually born out of pure love or a desire to nurture.
Kudos to the exceptions, though.

Lisa Hernandez3 said:I’ve actually quoted her before, though I don't think I ever properly thanked her for the post: it’s honestly one of my favorite descriptions of parenting dynamics on this forum. It isn't five different scenarios—it's just two—but they both feel so incredibly positive and straightforward. 🙂

Excellent post.👍
I wouldn't have written it any differently myself—except I'm about 10 years older.
If this isn't too off-topic, I'm honestly glad there are people out there who aren't ashamed to admit they love their peace. Once you've done your part, the chaos of other people's kids and the constant mess can really get under your skin—and it's fine to enjoy the quiet.
My kid is almost grown and fully independent now. I gave them the years they needed, gladly. Now that I'm in my 40s, I'm basically rebuilding my own life. I travel, stay busy with different hobbies, and I'm just happy those kinds of obligations are behind me.
When I'm around people with little kids, I have to watch what I say—it's practically heresy to admit you don't want more children and that you actually enjoy the silence. Still, I see I'm not alone. 🙂

Richard Kim10 said:Pure foolishness... I read extensively, yet I have never encountered such a saying; we clearly consume different literature. You shared that quote here simply because you find it trendy and happen to agree with it. It is superficial and lacks depth. IQ? Please.
I come from a large family... and look at the professions represented... computer programmer, auditor, electrician, two nurses, an interior designer (who graduated on the Honor Roll abroad), an accountant, an administrator... and there are still students to count, among others. Afterall, the number of children is irrelevant; what matters is their upbringing. 😍

Just because you haven't read it doesn't mean it isn't out there. Honestly, I don't have the energy to break down my entire research project right now.
There’s no need to list your family's achievements—the whole subject is way too complex for that anyway.
Sorry if you took that personally. I didn't name your family specifically.
Besides, this is totally off-topic.

Superficial and thoughtless. IQ? Please...:

That's just as superficial and thoughtless as the way everyone looks at one-child families. Not to mention how shallow the questions are: "Why only one kid?" or "When are you having another?"

Look, folks, never. Because that's what I decided.

fadedbear92 said:I remember once, an old lady overheard me saying I was an only child and told me, "Well, one is just none!"🙄

I hope the admins don't take this down—it’s not even my own thought, I just read it somewhere. There's this saying that goes something like this: No matter how many people you add to a family, the collective IQ stays exactly the same. 😂 🙈

neondrifter17 said:So, is that really it for you? Is that the whole point of living?
Just having a bunch of kids and secretly hoping someone will bring you a cup of tea when you're elderly and frail? 😕

When I’m an old lady, absolutely not, but NEVER would I want my child to have to take care of me and wipe my ass for me—no. Because at the end of the day, I love my child so much that I’m not such a selfish jerk that I’d make my own existence a burden on them in my twilight years. ☕

There are assisted living facilities for that, not children.

The truth is, the selfish ones are the people who expect their kids to carry them on their backs once they grow old and helpless. In a way, that's just fundamentally wrong.

Furthermore,

In my view, the purpose of life definitely isn't about cranking out a massive brood, because I honestly can't see why on earth I would do that. For whom? Myself? My husband? The world? Society?
wtf?

Personally, I find the most frustrating people are those who have a dozen kids and then can't even afford to feed them. Seriously, I feel like there should be a law preventing people like that from having more children.

The most fascinating case I know was a woman who had three absolute idiots for children. She's a distant relative of mine. This woman used to be a powerhouse; she literally had everything.
And then she decided she shouldn't have had those three kids...
You want to know what her life looks like now? All three of them are ungrateful jerks who were raised identically, yet all equally messed up.
They never learned how to stand on their own two feet; instead, they were leeching off her for money as soon as they were old enough to work. They even threatened her for cash. It's actually embarrassing to go into the details.

Now that she's older and her health is failing, she is quite literally broken. Both financially and physically. She used to be a stunning woman, and now she's just a shell of her former self. It's tragic.
It sounds harsh, but she would have been much better off if she had never had children at all.
Regardless, nowadays, kids just don't give a damn about their parents. They've exploited her, ruined her, and now they're finally satisfied.

Bottom line:
Life is unpredictable and messy, and you truly never know how things will turn out or what kind of adults your children will become.
The lucky parents are the ones whose kids move out, find their independence, and carve out their own paths. That, in itself, is a massive success.

I'm with you on this, 👍
Just one little correction—what you’re calling a "massive win" is actually what professionals have defined as the actual GOAL of parenting for ages.

Besides, I've never understood why having three, five, or seventeen kids is somehow more valuable than just having my one.
Since when did quantity become more important than quality?🤷

wirednomad42 said:Just the two of you? — Or am I missing someone else?

Yeah, for the last 6 years. I was married until he turned 9.
The divorce wasn't some huge trauma—and now he and his dad have regular meetups and stay on good terms (which I don't get involved in)

wirednomad42 said:And what about you? 😍

Fair question. 🤣

I can only really answer that by looking at how he treats me.

If he respects my opinion, keeps things civil during arguments, and trusts me enough to share what's going on in his life (probably not everything 😍)... plus, he's a great student and a dedicated athlete... (okay, now I sound like a total soccer mom 🙄)... honestly, I doubt he’d want to change me either 😍

wirednomad42 said:Maybe I phrased that poorly 🤷
What I meant was—I did the best I could by choosing the best possible dad for my child 🙏
I trust my husband, I believe in him, and more than anything, I believe he’ll be the absolute best father for our kid.
But it isn't my job to second-guess his moves. 🤷
I don't know—I guess I don't think it's my place to question anyone but myself 🤷

And besides, if I ever need to bring up something he did, I'll frame it as a hypothetical, or act like it was me who did it. Just because I'm not out here venting about my husband on a forum doesn't mean he isn't there 😉 so let's stick to discussing parenting actions rather than whether or not my kid actually has a father 🙂

I certainly don't 😍

That’s too bad.

I’ve got a teenager at home—and I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world.😍

wirednomad42 said:which, fast forward a few years to puberty, and she’ll be hating my guts—everyone will be better than me 😍 (not that I care, honestly, just part of growing up 😍 )

I don't have one 😢

I have.

😕
Her dad has his own relationship with her that tangles with mine, but it doesn't hit me hard enough to worry about it the way I worry about my own connections.

btw, love the layout of this post 😍

Does nobody actually believe you can have a great relationship with a teenager without all the constant fighting and bickering?😕

wirednomad42 said:👍

👍

Of course—it’s always best when you actually have enough time to breathe and can just take a chill approach to everything—not that anyone ever gives us that luxury. 👍.
We spent, I don't know, almost an hour this morning—not exactly going full throttle, mind you, but taking plenty of breaks—just messing around. 😁 I had to negotiate whether she’d actually take her medicine—she finally caved, obviously, because she realized I wasn't going to budge on that one thing she wanted unless she finished a spoonful of syrup. Total blackmail, really. 🥳 Well, it finally worked. —I try to avoid blackmail unless my health is on the line— 😁 )

But here's the real kicker—what happens when you're completely out of time? What’s actually the best way to handle that mess?

Edit: Lawrence Cook79—about this whole "loosening up" thing—do you actually think before you set these rules? Like, why that specific rule and why right there? It’s pretty obvious you aren't totally sure what you're deciding when some kids just shut you down with actual logic. 😁
Maybe you're just making up rules for the sake of having something to do—just busywork, really. 🤷

I let her get away with pretty much anything—unless it’s actually dangerous. Like, I’m not gonna let her stick her hand in boiling water, obviously—but if she’s obsessed with lotions and wants to slather every little scratch and scrape with cream for the third time today? Fine. Let her. I don't see the big deal. I definitely don't see eye-to-eye with my husband on this one—he thinks I'm way too soft. 😕

Raising kids might be easier if you follow the one rule I lived by with my own kid:
- they can do basically anything, as long as it doesn't hurt them, someone else, or the house.

Whenever I was stuck on what to do, I’d just run through those three things. If nothing was at risk, fine—let them learn, explore, and have fun.
Of course, I made sure our home environment was set up to respect those rules as much as possible. As much as possible, anyway.

It's obvious that kids are going to test everything—experimenting, flipping things over, pushing buttons (including ours)....all while trying to enjoy themselves.
When a kid arrives, your whole world shifts. I've never understood parents who think their lives will stay exactly the same after having a baby. They won't. You have to accept that. Your space (the house, the yard), your habits (going out, daily routines), even your social life—it all has to adapt to the new reality. We chose to bring this child into the world, so we have to deal with the fallout and take responsibility for it.
The reason I mention this is because most of these adjustments come down to one thing: time.

Like wirednomad42 said, health is the priority, and there's no negotiating there. You take the medicine—whether the kid likes it or not. We try different methods, we try to negotiate... but if it fails, eventually we end up doing what Lawrence Cook79 👍 does....which involves an apology and a quick explanation to the kid (don't assume even the little ones don't get it—they might not have the words, but they definitely feel it 😍)

wirednomad42 said:1. "pick them up and wait for them to calm down"—solid advice, I agree, and I don't care who's staring at me while I do it—but what if you physically can't? Like, if your hands are full of groceries?
2. I have to admit, I struggle quite a bit with physically managing my daughter 😕
(since we're talking about buckling her into the car seat) so I always lean on verbal cues—I'm much stronger there 😁
There was this one time, back when she was younger, where I managed to get her buckled into the car seat even though she was screaming and thrashing—total hysterics (she just refused to sit in an AS 🙄)—but then she yanked her arms out and leaned sideways during the drive so hard she was practically hanging out of the AS. I even stepped out to fix her, and she did the exact same thing the second I got back in! That is definitely not how you're supposed to transport a kid in an AS—imagine how much sympathy a cop would have for me 🙄 not to mention what would've happened if we’d, God forbid, been in a fender bender 🤷

Could you maybe lower the bags? 🤔🙂

wirednomad42 said:1. "pick them up and wait for them to calm down"—solid advice, I agree, and I don't care who's staring at me while I do it—but what if you physically can't? Like, if your hands are full of groceries?
2. I have to admit, I struggle quite a bit with physically managing my daughter 😕
(since we're talking about buckling her into the car seat) so I always lean on verbal cues—I'm much stronger there 😁
There was this one time, back when she was younger, where I managed to get her buckled into the car seat even though she was screaming and thrashing—total hysterics (she just refused to sit in an AS 🙄)—but then she yanked her arms out and leaned sideways during the drive so hard she was practically hanging out of the AS. I even stepped out to fix her, and she did the exact same thing the second I got back in! That is definitely not how you're supposed to transport a kid in an AS—imagine how much sympathy a cop would have for me 🙄 not to mention what would've happened if we’d, God forbid, been in a fender bender 🤷

I get it—it isn't easy dealing with a daughter that spirited—but every kid is different. They all have their own way of testing you.
Mine was the exact same way—just refused to ride alone in the car seat from the get-go. It mostly ended up with me never driving him by myself at all, except for really short trips. My husband ended up being the primary driver, and if I did drive, I’d always make sure my son was sitting in the back.
Again—it’s just a matter of circumstances that someone can easily organize or even manufacture.

I’ve always felt the most successful when I finally figured out which approach actually works—you know, the kind where we don't end up fighting. It used to be such a grind, honestly—but after 15 years, I can see that all that effort was more than worth it.
I have a teenager—and honestly, we’ve never once had an argument. I don't see that changing anytime soon.

...because now he’s being careful to use methods against me that—honestly—just don't hold up. 👋

wirednomad42 said:Samuel Miller21,
I’m not trying to build some little being that worships me—I want to raise someone who actually loves themselves.
Of course I want us to be close, but I don't want them clinging to my every move. I love them, but God, I also need plenty of time just for myself 😁

Those little things you mentioned... that’s actually why I started this thread. For instance, if you look on Goodreads, you see so many moms venting about how often they end up yelling at their kids. And then there's the whole shift in schools where hitting is banned—even though, let's be honest, it used to be standard practice. It makes me wonder how all these different parenting styles and societal shifts actually play out once these kids grow up.

Take toddlers, for example 😍 (there’s an entire discussion about them over on Goodreads 😍)—they’re these incredible little creatures caught right on the edge between being helpless infants and actual, real children. One minute they’re melting your heart with how sweet and obedient they are, and the next they turn into 😈—you say the word "cookie" and suddenly they’re sprinting into the street, lunging into the ocean, or throwing a total meltdown because you’re trying to buckle them into a car seat when you’re already late for work. ☕

Sometimes, even when you're trying your absolute hardest, they just won't stop screaming—nothing works, no matter what trick you try. And is it even right to bribe them? (Like—stop crying, let's go to the park, or I'll buy you ice cream?) You can't exactly leave a kid lying in the middle of the road screaming while a car is coming toward them. Obviously. So what *can* you do? Pick them up and wait for the storm to pass? Pretend nothing happened once they settle down? What is the CONCRETE move here?
Those "little things" are exactly what I'm curious about. Props to whoever added tips&tricks to the title 👍

My take:

- "Let's go to the park, I'll buy you ice cream..." - Absolutely not. That just teaches a kid that acting out is a shortcut to getting what they want. Next time they throw a tantrum in the middle of an intersection, rest assured they'll be expecting that ice cream. 😍
- "Pick them up and wait for them to calm down"- Yeah, basically—assuming the environment allows for it.
- "Pretend nothing happened afterward"- No way. A child needs to understand that we're upset because their behavior wasn't okay. Even a two-year-old can pick up on facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language—they CAN tell you're mad and that they messed up. Personally, I'm against any kind of physical punishment. For a toddler, the "punishment" is simply not getting what they wanted—like being buckled into the car seat and driven straight to daycare. They might start off angry, but by the end, they've calmed down. That simple "I am upset with you" message is plenty for a two-year-old.