How not to screw up your kids: Parenting tips & tricks

Look, we’ve all had crappy parents. Everyone missed the mark on something—it's a given—but at the same time, they were doing their absolute best for us, even if we spent our whole childhood feeling totally neglected or misunderstood... 😵
So, who's actually the crazy one here??? 🤷
I also notice this toxic cycle just keeps repeating from one generation to the next. Honestly, my biggest fear is screwing up my own kid—making them some anxious mess who’s constantly starving for attention 😢
How do I actually pull this off? Please hit me with your tips, tricks, or whatever life lessons you've learned 😁

Honestly, the best way to handle this is to just stop stressing over whether you’re going to mess things up for your kid or not; instead, just focus on being the kind of person you’d actually want to be if it were your own child in front of you.

Hah. No parent is ever going to look you in the eye and admit they messed up their kid. They’ll all swear on their lives they were doing what was best. 😍

Look, I’m not a mother myself. But my mom actually managed to break the cycle her own parents handed down to her—and she did it without a single therapist to guide her. (Back in the day, decades ago in the USA, seeing a shrink wasn't exactly the go-to move.) She dealt with a lot of neglect growing up and never really had a voice, which meant when she interacted with people later in life, she could be... let's say, "intense." 🙂🙂

Back in the 80s, when I was just a little thing, she used to devour *A Cry of Fear* by A. Johnson. She tells me that book was what finally clicked for her—helped her understand why she acted the way she did. Sure, she made mistakes while raising me, just like any parent does, but it never spiraled into the kind of dysfunction you see being discussed on this forum. Honestly? I had a pretty good childhood. (Okay, fine, I missed my dad because he worked overseas and was only home for about three months out of the year. Those three months were great, obviously, but his absence left a mark. It's why I tend to seek stability in men and find myself drawn to older guys, but that’s a whole different conversation for another time. 😉)

hollowtrucker77 said:Honestly, the best way to handle this is to just stop stressing over whether you’re going to mess things up for your kid or not; instead, just focus on being the kind of person you’d actually want to be if it were your own child in front of you.

Look, I wouldn't be hanging out with—let alone living with—someone else's kid.😕
Do you even have kids of your own?
Because let's be real—there's always going to be a gap somewhere... if you're glued to the kid, you aren't working enough and money gets tight—so they miss out on stuff. If you work too much, you aren't there physically, so they miss out on *you*. If you're too soft, they lack discipline; if you're too strict, they lose their sense of freedom...
I could never wrap my head around treating a kid like "someone else's." I don't really get what you're getting at here.😕

Here’s my simplest piece of advice: just let your kid be who they actually are. Most parents walk around with these little—or sometimes huge—expectations and this mental image of how their "precious" child should live or act... then they subtly (if not outright aggressively) push them toward that specific mold, basically suffocating any hint of a real personality.
The result? The kid never gets a chance to actually develop into themselves.

Honestly, I’ve read some truly idiotic examples of just how far human stupidity can go—it’s actually mind-blowing. I even know about a case lately where a mom was forcing her left-handed kid to write with their right hand!🙏 Unbelievable.🙄 Because, you know, clearly that’ll just make life so much easier for them!🙏
And all this character reshaping and whatever else they do? They do it under the guise of "doing what's best" for the kids.☕

Edward Murphy4 said:Here’s my simplest piece of advice: just let your kid be who they actually are. Most parents walk around with these little—or sometimes huge—expectations and this mental image of how their "precious" child should live or act... then they subtly (if not outright aggressively) push them toward that specific mold, basically suffocating any hint of a real personality.
The result? The kid never gets a chance to actually develop into themselves.

Honestly, I’ve read some truly idiotic examples of just how far human stupidity can go—it’s actually mind-blowing. I even know about a case lately where a mom was forcing her left-handed kid to write with their right hand!🙏 Unbelievable.🙄 Because, you know, clearly that’ll just make life so much easier for them!🙏
And all this character reshaping and whatever else they do? They do it under the guise of "doing what's best" for the kids.☕

Well, my folks let me develop on my own—so naturally, I didn't exactly "develop" into anything at all.🤣

One should really make an effort not to burden a child with their own past traumas, whether those stem from their early years or more recent experiences in adulthood.
It’s also incredibly helpful to dive into as many books on developmental psychology as possible and then actually take that knowledge and put it into practice in your daily life. 😬

hollowtrucker77 said:Honestly, the best way to handle this is to just stop stressing over whether you’re going to mess things up for your kid or not; instead, just focus on being the kind of person you’d actually want to be if it were your own child in front of you.

I couldn't agree more.

If I may add a small caveat—parents truly do believe they are acting in their child's best interest; that isn't the issue. The friction arises because the child is a distinct, separate individual—which means what a parent perceives as "best" doesn't always align with what the child actually needs.

Listen to your child—even in the things they aren't saying.

Morgan Cooper34 said:Hah. No parent is ever going to look you in the eye and admit they messed up their kid. They’ll all swear on their lives they were doing what was best. 😍

Look, I’m not a mother myself. But my mom actually managed to break the cycle her own parents handed down to her—and she did it without a single therapist to guide her. (Back in the day, decades ago in the USA, seeing a shrink wasn't exactly the go-to move.) She dealt with a lot of neglect growing up and never really had a voice, which meant when she interacted with people later in life, she could be... let's say, "intense." 🙂🙂

Back in the 80s, when I was just a little thing, she used to devour *A Cry of Fear* by A. Johnson. She tells me that book was what finally clicked for her—helped her understand why she acted the way she did. Sure, she made mistakes while raising me, just like any parent does, but it never spiraled into the kind of dysfunction you see being discussed on this forum. Honestly? I had a pretty good childhood. (Okay, fine, I missed my dad because he worked overseas and was only home for about three months out of the year. Those three months were great, obviously, but his absence left a mark. It's why I tend to seek stability in men and find myself drawn to older guys, but that’s a whole different conversation for another time. 😉)

That caught my attention... did she give you any more details on what she actually realized?

wirednomad42 said:Well, my folks let me develop on my own—so naturally, I didn't exactly "develop" into anything at all.🤣

well, if that’s how it goes, it would honestly be a public service to prevent you from passing those genes along to a new generation

hollowtrucker77 said:well, if that’s how it goes, it would honestly be a public service to prevent you from passing those genes along to a new generation

hello? isn't that basically an insult? 😠

I think you owe me an apology. 🙂

Jerry Martinez5 said:hello? isn't that basically an insult? 😠

I think you owe me an apology. 🙂

Well, I suppose he’s just being technical about the logical conclusion of what was said—especially since she chose to be modest regarding her own progress. 😁 Which, if we're being honest, feels a little like false modesty to me.

@ wirednomad42 - 😉

Jerry Martinez5 said:hello? isn't that basically an insult? 😠

I think you owe me an apology. 🙂

fair enough, I really did write it like such a lowlife and I’m offering a humble apology to wirednomad42 for that
I didn't intend for it to be an insult, honestly; I was just trying to be funny or maybe just playing along with her sarcasm, but seeing it laid out like this, it definitely carries a completely different weight than I intended
wirednomad42, please just accept my sincere apologies if I actually crossed a line and offended you

Jerry Martinez5, thanks for calling me out on that

wirednomad42 said:Look, we’ve all had crappy parents. Everyone missed the mark on something—it's a given—but at the same time, they were doing their absolute best for us, even if we spent our whole childhood feeling totally neglected or misunderstood... 😵
So, who's actually the crazy one here??? 🤷
I also notice this toxic cycle just keeps repeating from one generation to the next. Honestly, my biggest fear is screwing up my own kid—making them some anxious mess who’s constantly starving for attention 😢
How do I actually pull this off? Please hit me with your tips, tricks, or whatever life lessons you've learned 😁

From what you're saying, it sounds like you're already incredibly self-aware about your own flaws. I truly believe you aren't repeating those same mistakes with your little one. Being aware of where you stumbled is really the first step toward fixing it, don't you think? 🙂

hollowtrucker77 said:Honestly, the best way to handle this is to just stop stressing over whether you’re going to mess things up for your kid or not; instead, just focus on being the kind of person you’d actually want to be if it were your own child in front of you.

So, the plan is to protect him now, only to hand him over to a bunch of strangers to look after later? That seems like a rather circular way to handle things. 😁

No, it’s not even about that—it's just so she doesn't go walking around thinking HER kid is some kind of cosmic anomaly that’s somehow more special or fundamentally different from every other kid on the planet
The truth is, there isn't some secret guidebook out there, whether you're raising toddlers or navigating adulthood
At the end of the day, what really matters is that even kids don't actually expect their parents to be these flawless, saintly beings who never trip up
In my view, the absolute worst thing you can do is treat a child like a DIY construction project, basically cramming all your own failed ambitions, old frustrations, and personal hang-ups into them
What you actually need is just a healthy dose of love, a bit of patience, and the ability to actually "hear" them—just listen to the kid, and honestly, everything will turn out fine

wirednomad42 said:Look, we’ve all had crappy parents. Everyone missed the mark on something—it's a given—but at the same time, they were doing their absolute best for us, even if we spent our whole childhood feeling totally neglected or misunderstood... 😵
So, who's actually the crazy one here??? 🤷
I also notice this toxic cycle just keeps repeating from one generation to the next. Honestly, my biggest fear is screwing up my own kid—making them some anxious mess who’s constantly starving for attention 😢
How do I actually pull this off? Please hit me with your tips, tricks, or whatever life lessons you've learned 😁

I wouldn't go so far as to say my parents were bad, though I'll admit they didn't exactly succeed in raising a flawless, perfectly functional brood. 😁

Furthermore, I believe we see it far too often these days—and please, let’s be clear, I am not referring to cases of actual parental abuse—but adult children simply taking advantage of their elderly parents. Honestly, if I hadn't been taken for a ride myself, where would I be today?
Even if they are—and let’s be honest, they almost certainly are, because every parent eventually messes up somewhere along the line—I don't think it's something we should hold against them. In my humble opinion, why on earth should parents be expected to be perfect? Nobody is. So why demand that they be?

The concept of a "magic potion" is a persistent delusion. People are constantly searching for that one miraculous solution—a single pill, a secret ritual, or a sudden stroke of luck—that will instantly fix their lives or solve systemic issues. It’s a tired fantasy. In reality, progress is usually just a series of tedious, incremental adjustments and hard truths. There are no shortcuts. kaže:
Despite all the character redesigns and stylistic shifts, they’re only doing it because they think they're doing the kids a favor.☕

Precisely. That’s what we call upbringing.☕

redharbor9 said:That caught my attention... did she give you any more details on what she actually realized?

Look, it’s simple. My mother had a hell of a time admitting her own parents weren't exactly acting in her best interest. Especially when it came to playing house—you know, that desperate attempt to maintain the illusion of a perfect, happy American family. It took her forever to face the truth: they didn't love her for who she actually was. They loved this idealized version of her they had built up in their heads. The friction started the second she rebelled, specifically when she walked away from that degree she absolutely hated. That was the breaking point.
My grandmother will never admit she was wrong about anything. Not ever. She just gives you that tired old line: things were different back then. She never once told me she loved me, for instance.😢

Honestly? I think Mom only scratched the surface. You can't just DIY deep psychological healing; therapy isn't something you tackle solo. But hey, she admitted there’s an issue, and she’s still fighting it.

Oh, and she used to keep a journal as part of that whole self-healing process. Eventually, she just tossed it. Said reading it back was too much to handle.

Quincy:

I don't even know where to start with this—just total nonsense. Honestly, I’m exhausted just reading it. (No content provided to rewrite.) wirednomad42, please—just take my sincere apologies if I offended you.

Sounds terrible—and I'm definitely feeling it. 😳
Just apologize tomorrow—it’s not like anyone’s actually listening anyway. 🙂 😁
Quincy:

I guess I'm just here to watch the circus—honestly, it’s getting exhausting. kaže: So he watches over him, only to hand him off to someone else to deal with later? Great plan—really top-tier logic there. 😁

😁

electricdriver93 actually has a point—for once. 👍
Parenting—what a joke.
If you aren't actually raising them—then you're just a parent who doesn't give a damn.
If you're raising kids—you’re always pushing too hard—it’s just how it goes.
No matter how you slice it—you just didn't nail this one.

I just want to be a decent parent—you know, give them everything they actually need without overdoing it and turning them into spoiled brats. And if I mess up—because let’s face it, I will—I just want to make sure it isn't some life-altering catastrophe that nukes their self-esteem. Is that really too much to ask? 🤷
Look, maybe I'm just having a midlife identity crisis—who knows? Just tell me... how do you guys handle it? Raising them up... yeah, good luck with that. My own kids!