Posts by Nicole Booth252

stormyfox13 said:For as long as I can remember, I’ve been prone to depression. Back in the day, I used to rationalize it by telling myself I was just "living in the future." I spent all my time obsessively mapping out these massive life plans, convinced that if I could just check enough boxes, my life would finally be settled and I’d magically be happy. Well, I’m 22 now, and on paper, I’m living the absolute dream according to those old criteria. I’m killing it as a student, I’ve got a solid job at a private firm, and music is my soul—I spend my weekends gigging with my band at various clubs around town. I eat clean, stay in shape, and hit the gym every single day. Most importantly, I have a boyfriend who truly loves me. And yet, despite having everything I thought I wanted, I have never felt more miserable or dissatisfied with my existence. Lately, I’ve started drinking way too much and I can’t sleep for the life of me. I don't know if it's some weird form of disillusionment because my life looks exactly how I imagined it two years ago, but I just don't *feel* the way I thought I would. It leads to this cycle where I hate myself for being selfish and ungrateful for everything I have, and honestly, there are moments when I just wish I didn't exist. This sense of total despair has been dragging on for about six months now, and things have gotten dark enough that I've actually had suicidal thoughts because I just can't cope anymore. I'm terrified of seeing a psychiatrist because four years ago, I had a horrific experience with one who turned out to be a complete nightmare, and it totally trashed my trust in the profession. At the same time, I don't want to burden the people around me with my mess; I know they can't actually fix it, and I don't want to cause them unnecessary stress—especially my boyfriend, who I know wouldn't know how to handle someone in this state. Has anyone else gone through something similar? How do you actually pull yourself out of a hole like this?

"Happiness belongs to those who are mindful of their spiritual needs."
Best regards

vividtiger50 said:🙂

I’ve been spending my time reading, getting my apartment ready, and organizing all my shoes and clothes in the closet, but I really feel like I should be doing something more to work on my social life. Sometimes, I guess, it just feels quite heavy being this alone. 😢

You aren't the only one. That’s just how the whole system works. You can't fix it. All you can do is ignore it. In an era where nobody seems to value basic morals or spiritual values anymore, the internet is basically the only place left to find anyone remotely sane.☕

Kenneth Martin said:Not too long ago, the Catholic Church suggested that hell isn't necessarily some
specific physical location, but rather a state of being—a condition of the soul where one experiences total separation from God, which is really just an isolation from love itself.
A disconnection from love, or simply, suffering.
At the time, that sounded like nothing more than an abstract concept to me.

That was before I began my slow descent into hell, becoming intimately acquainted with its sheer destructiveness.

I’ve been watching my peace and my very sense of purpose slip away day by day, sinking steadily through despair and eventually settling into a heavy, hollow indifference.

My capacity for empathy, that deep-seated compassion for others, and the genuine joy I used to feel in
helping people—it all started to wither away. That ability to lose myself in the beauty of the world, to actually feel the warmth of the Earth as the first rays of the morning sun touch the ground...
It’s all gone.

By facing nothing but selfishness while giving everything I had—clinging to the belief that love is the ultimate answer—I essentially burned myself out, destroying the best parts of my character. I found myself punishing my own soul every time I failed to communicate the overwhelming magnitude and beauty of the love I felt. It felt like I was painfully plucking my own feathers out, one by one.

Today, I feel like a void.
I’ve become a mere puppet of illusion, and with every passing day, the process becomes more agonizingly difficult: I am slowly forgetting how to love.
It’s as if five different poisons are coursing through my veins, tearing me apart from the inside.
I am powerless to stop loving her, so instead, I hate myself; I use my own longing as a way to sink deeper into
oblivion, even though I know my own ego and pride are clouding my vision. My envy fuels my arrogance, and I find I no longer have the desire to seek any kind of enlightenment.
I am trapped in a self-perpetuating cycle of suffering that offers no exit, a loop that only seems to expand.
I am fully aware of the futility of my actions, even when I consider the final end to this agony.
There is no way out; that is exactly what hell looks like.

It’s when the person you love tells you straight to your face that they don't want to see you, that they want you out of their sight, that they wish you would simply vanish from their thoughts—and it doesn't even hurt as much as it should because
you’ve grown indifferent over time. Or perhaps, the pain would be so unbearable that feeling it would be synonymous with no longer being alive at all.
That is the definition of hell.

It’s when she turns away and avoids your gaze, looking through you with a coldness that pretends you don't exist.
All you want is to hurt yourself.
When you reach the point of self-inflicted torment, that is hell.
There are countless ways to destroy oneself, but I am starting to realize that this might be one of the worst: systematically dismantling the best parts of who you are.

How do you explain to her that her behavior is cruel? How do you tell her that having compassion for a starving beggar in Africa means absolutely nothing if you are incapable of feeling the suffering of the person right next to you who loves you? It isn't enough to just perform emotions to manipulate people; you have to actually be able to feel the love and the pain of those around you—their struggles, their foolishness, their malice—and actually know how to help them. Otherwise, if someone truly loves you and is capable of feeling your essence, and you fail them, you are subjecting them to immense suffering, forcing them to live in a true and literal hell.

I can no longer look at a lush, green valley bathed in soft morning sunlight and dancing shadows.
I can no longer appreciate a sunrise on a deserted coastline, cool and refreshing after a long, sweltering summer day.
It doesn't take much effort to realize that such beauty is now unbearable to me.
So, I retreat into the nearest dark corner, trying to forget that I am even breathing.
I try to forget every shred of hope.

I drift into sleep, only to wake up in hell.

Don't seek happiness in things that can be lost.
And you will free yourself from Hell.