Posts by Walter Peterson

granitefalcon26 said:The phobias and panic attacks? Yeah, I inherited those from my mom. I've been dealing with them since I was ten. You know how it is—the last thing you ever think is that it's all in your head. So, you end up bouncing between every specialist in town. Everyone gives you a different diagnosis. One guy told me I had a brain tumor, another said it was MS. By their logic, I should be dead by now, or at least using a wheelchair.
What a joke.😍
And honestly, what am I supposed to do? I can't find the time for psychotherapy with my work schedule being what it is. I did see a psychiatrist, though, and they put me on some ADHD meds and an anti-anxiety script. I will say the attacks happen less often now, but they still pop up just to remind me they're there.😢

You really ought to make time for therapy. You need to shift your mindset and try to look at things through a more positive lens...

granitefalcon26 said:The biggest issue is just the lack of communication. On top of that, I’m dealing with my own anxiety and panic attacks. I struggle with agoraphobia and social anxiety too, which makes everything so much harder to manage. I constantly worry about what people will think if I have a panic attack in public. She has such a huge family, and here I am struggling with agoraphobia.😲
It’s a tough combination to navigate. Eventually, we stopped going out almost entirely because she was always terrified that I’d have a panic attack. 😢

Your issues run much deeper than just this breakup. Are you actually working on them?

granitefalcon26 said:But what if I end up measuring every future relationship against my ex? Honestly, I just know it’ll never feel the way it did with her.😢

What exactly makes her so special?

Was the breakup actually your fault?

If not, did she have any actual flaws, perhaps?

placidranger - concise, direct, and action-oriented 👍

copperfox22 said:You've got a point there. This person meant a lot to me,🙂 which is probably why it hits this hard.

And if I'm being totally honest, I don't think this will ever just be a "distant memory"—and truthfully, I wouldn't want it to.

Perhaps my phrasing was imprecise. Every single moment will remain etched in your mind, and I am certain you would live through it all again, remembering it with a smile.

What I intended to convey is that, as time passes, the sorrow and bitterness will dissipate, eventually leaving you ready to try again with someone else.

copperfox22 said:What I’m going through is recent—it's the fallout from some fresh experiences, not even a full-blown relationship.

And there lies the crux of your issue. Sometimes, when emotions run that deep, you don't even need a committed relationship to feel absolutely miserable. I suspect you'll find much more energy and resilience once these "fresh" moments fade into distant memories.

As some people have pointed out here, you also need a little bit of luck to navigate this whole situation.

ruggedfalcon30 said:Look, the reason I even brought this up was because I honestly expected you all to dig a bit deeper and actually engage with the topic...😬
I know exactly what my deal is and why I fall into this trap of self-sabotage—and trust me, I’m not going to bore everyone with the granular details—but essentially, I am fighting an uphill battle against my own nature because the alternative is ending up alone, bitter, and completely broken...
Now, my massive problem right now is the crushing realization that I absolutely blew it and destroyed a relationship with a woman I truly loved just because I lost my damn mind and pushed her away whenever she tried to get close to me... For instance, I ran into her in downtown Chicago once and we chatted for a bit, then I started walking toward the bus stop and ended up boarding the wrong bus entirely😬just because seeing her made my brain go completely numb... I've moved past that specific moment and I'm fine with it, but my fear is, when am I going to screw up again by jumping on the wrong bus because of some other person?! When am I ever going to feel that spark again, where just the thought of someone else actually brings a genuine smile back to my face...?

How tragic. I once dealt with a self-saboteur myself. It is truly exhausting when people who refuse to help themselves end up dragging everyone else down into the abyss with them.

copperfox22 said:Well, it isn’t huge, though there’s still some variety, even if everything is pretty much centered around the West Coast. 😁 I don't really meet a ton of new people, but honestly, I'm also starting to feel less interested in doing so. At the same time, I still want that special connection to happen—even if it doesn't last forever, I just want to feel some kind of meaningful spark.🙂

There's definitely a lot of that going on. I'm just done with the heartache, the mistakes, and all the wrong turns.

Does anyone actually want that?

But let’s be honest: you aren't going to achieve anything significant—in any area of life, for that matter—without taking some risks.

Adam Barrett said:Yeah, I get it. 😢 I was waiting to see what everyone else had to say before jumping in (didn't want to 🙂) because, honestly, it seems like all the people I think are self-sabotaging have always ended up hurting just one specific person, so I really wanted to hear your take on that.

Does the number of people who hurt them actually matter? Is their scar somehow deeper simply because they choose to sabotage themselves?

Arthur Booth96 said:Or maybe some folks actually kind of enjoy the suffering, so they have no real intention of ever finding happiness, I guess.

Then there are the masochists, naturally.

ruggedfalcon30 said:I’ve been in love exactly twice in my entire life, and wouldn't you know it, I managed to commit Samosabotage on both occasions. The first time was pure instinct—I actually pushed her away physically when she tried to touch me or lean in for a kiss. With the second one, things were even more pathetic; I acted like an absolute jerk just to create distance, successfully driving her away, and now I’m left sitting here dealing with the fallout and the regret.
It's not just the big relationships, either; I keep doing this same dance with random women I meet along the way. Take this girl I met recently, for instance... I actually liked her. We didn't see or talk to each other for a while, but then we ran into each other out in the world, and she was practically throwing herself at me. Instead of stepping up, I just turned my back and walked away like a coward. Of course, she ended up screaming insults at me after I left.😬
What the hell is actually wrong with us Samosabotage types?

People are simply too terrified of living life and dealing with its inevitable downsides.

Quote : Baby blues

granitefalcon26 said:As for me, I tend to force myself into relationships, and they always end up being total disasters where I end up hurting the girl.😢

Self-sabotage is the real issue here. You have to actually want a relationship first, but to want one, you have to stop being terrified of it. And to stop being terrified, you need to realize that failing once, twice, or three times doesn't mean you're destined to fail with everyone forever.

Lawrence Patel9 said:Look, you don't need to change, but let's be real: the older we get, the harder it gets to find someone who actually meets our criteria—and it goes beyond that. Finding someone who fits our actual life. We have responsibilities now. Constant obligations.

Maybe that's the trick. Not lowering the bar, but being more tolerant. When you're 20, you still have time to mold yourself alongside a partner. By 30, you've already built your own version of happiness.

So the real question is: what happens to those of us closer to 30 than 20?

We've already settled on the looks. It's a done deal div>

Well put. One really should start practicing tolerance toward certain things—provided they are manageable.

What I was suggesting applies to anyone facing this dilemma. My final point regarding standards isn't merely a personal obsession; it is an interpretation provided by a psychiatrist. I am unsure if I am permitted to promote literature here, but I intend to read a book specifically addressing this subject and suggest it to everyone: Miller - Formula 1 for Love, or how not to ruin your life searching for "the one."

granitefalcon26 said:I actually gave it a shot a few times. It just wouldn't happen. I feel terrible for her.😢

Attempting to date various women in the hopes that one might finally stick isn't "self-improvement." Real self-work would be seeing a therapist if nothing else seems to be working. That applies to anyone struggling with self-sabotage.

copperfox22 said:And you think you're interesting to them?? This might sound a bit self-centered, but since we're being honest 😬...it actually happens to me more often that I find most of them fascinating, while they don't really do much for me.

- when we actually find each other mutually interesting, it rarely lasts (I have no idea why, feel free to roast me)
- or maybe he seems incredibly engaging to me, but I'm just totally meh to him

I honestly think the issue isn't them; it's me.

Man, now I'm starting to second-guess myself too... maybe there is something wrong with me. How do I figure it out? A therapist? 😁

I don't know what everyone else is saying (well, I could look, but... it would hurt my feelings)

Personally, I've been told I have great hair and eyes. Everything else is pretty much average.🙂

But I don't think we're on the same page. To me, looks are almost irrelevant... I've never been drawn to "models." Besides, I don't obsess over my own appearance for two reasons:

- because my looks have never been an issue when it comes to flirting, trying to start something, or even within a relationship. In fact, it's always been a plus.
- and I don't want to be judged or picked based on my exterior 🙂...I want someone to actually like who I am underneath.

I'm talking about personality traits here, not physical appearance.

I experience this as well. I've begun to suspect that a significant portion of the problem lies within me. Those unfortunate criteria again...

We all carry a mental blueprint of an "ideal" partner (with specific criteria), and when we encounter someone who fits that mold, the chemistry hits and we fall in love. Therefore, the key is to shift those internal criteria if we want to fall for a different type of person—especially since the previous ones haven't exactly yielded much luck.

granitefalcon26 said:Here’s the deal. I lived with my girlfriend for about six years without being married. Even after we split, we kept seeing each other for another year. I basically became her casual hookup.
I honestly don't think I'll ever love anyone like that again. Every girl I've dated since then? I just end up comparing them to my ex. It makes me feel like I'm totally broken when it comes to relationships, like I've lost the ability to actually care about someone.😢
I definitely agree that most women are out there looking for some fairy tale prince. Then reality hits, they realize they're getting older, and suddenly they find themselves alone.👎
Plus, those "bad boys"—the guys who kind of disrupt the status quo—are always the ones in high demand.
Being a genuinely nice guy just isn't trendy right now. 🙄

It isn't that you are incapable; you are simply taking the path of least resistance. You need to focus on personal growth.

loneowl39 said:Sure, they’re looking for that specific type of person, but let’s be honest—they don't exactly walk around thinking they’re the best-looking people in the room.
It’s funny how that works. You see these women out there chasing after those kinds of results, and they genuinely walk around thinking they’re some kind of supermodel—even when, objectively speaking, they aren't quite there.
I am speaking about one’s own self-perception, not about what someone else happens to be looking for.
Overestimating one's own value—or in this specific instance, it seems—is ultimately a matter of distorted self-perception.
They might look identical on the surface, but don't let that fool you—the difference is massive.

To put it bluntly: it gets worse. Men are completely delusional. Women at least have what you call a skewed perception of themselves, leading them to think they deserve what they want. Men are just 👎

It doesn't really matter how anyone perceives themselves—whether objective or subjective—if they are chasing something that is fundamentally unattainable.

Lawrence Patel9 said:Exactly. They don't interest me, and everything else feels dull by comparison. Not that I'm comparing them—it just isn't there. Honestly, the issue isn't them. It's me.

I moved past all that ages ago. I'm not seventeen anymore. I've been through enough that it all just feels confusing now. There are plenty of reasons. A whole chain of them that formed one big mess. I've analyzed it, dissected it, turned it over, and still, I have nothing concrete to say about it.

All I know is that after everything, nothing is ever the same.

Reality hits hard again: people—friends, partners—drift in and out of our lives. If it isn't by choice, it's by death. You can lose someone in a million different ways. It is a difficult truth to reconcile with: the fact that you are the only constant in your own life.

loneowl39 said:They exist, sure. It’s just that they're incredibly rare.😉

I tend to view it this way: take a woman who is, by most realistic standards, quite average-looking—which, let’s be honest, is what matters most to men—yet she insists on only dating guys with that runway model physique. If we set aside all other criteria for a moment, you see the disconnect right there.
And then she acts surprised when she can't find a boyfriend.🙄
There are plenty of such instances, honestly, occurring on both sides of the aisle.
I’m inclined to believe that, on average, men tend to be far more objective when assessing their own physical attractiveness than women are.

And men, quite frequently, overrate themselves and hunt exclusively for that supermodel type.

But I don't think there are many women on this thread looking for models; I include myself in that group.😉