How many misses are going to block you in the next link?

I’m not sure if we’ve covered a topic like this before. If we have, mods, feel free to lock this thread.

After reading through some of the discussions here and doing a bit of my own reflecting, I’ve been thinking about those "ghosts from the past" and how much weight they actually carry for us. Obviously, everyone is different—some of us are tougher, some more sensitive, some more confident—but I think there’s a common thread we can pull on. So, here’s my question: how much are your past romantic failures and poor choices subconsciously (or even consciously) holding you back when you try to move forward?

To kick things off, I’ll be honest about myself. I’ve started wondering if I’m just making excuses under the guise of "life getting in the way," essentially sabotaging my chances at finding a real connection. It’s not that I’m shy or confused about what I want, and I don't really deal with massive complexes (at least nothing that feels like a major issue)... I tend to march to the beat of my own drum and don't always follow social norms, though I wouldn't say I'm a rebel, since I generally fit in just fine with society.

To cut to the chase, as much as I try to convince myself otherwise, I think I still carry some baggage from my past that’s starting to cause friction. Instead of throwing myself into meeting new people or experiencing new things with an open heart right from the jump, I find myself internally telling myself, "Don't bother, it’ll just be another bust... stay guarded, keep your distance."

I can't tell if my brain is doing this because it genuinely believes I have a knack for picking the wrong people, or if it’s just a defense mechanism—a fear that if I actually dare to trust someone, I’ll just end up disappointed all over again.
Sometimes I catch myself wondering if there's a reason I'm perpetually drawn to the wrong crowd. Why does that happen? Because, honestly, the "perfectly stable" types usually don't interest me at all 😕... they're always these eccentric characters, slightly off in one way or another. Now, combined with everything else, it’s creating a total mental block. It’s like the moment I find someone attractive, there's always some glaring, dangerous flaw 😬

Anyway, bottom line: how much are your failed relationships and past mistakes actually messing with your head? 😁

I’m my own worst enemy at every turn. It wasn't some massive trauma, just left me alone and completely broken. Hurt like hell. Even now, after all this time, I still think about her and... I freeze up. Every time a real opportunity comes along, I sabotage it. I shut down. I run from anything that feels like a real emotional connection.

Maybe I just haven't met anyone worth the effort, or someone I could love the way I loved her. Who knows. Honestly, I have no clue. And it's been a long time. Longer than we were even together.

Look, I’m not some pushover when it comes to men, but after taking a few hits—including one really nasty breakup that totally wrecked me—it definitely left its mark, I guess. It made me way more guarded and cautious than I used to be.
I’ve always been pretty independent and, honestly, kind of a difficult person to deal with, which probably just makes everything even more complicated,
but I don't really see it as an issue anymore. This whole setup isn't some heavy burden for me, because despite all the mess, I'm actually happy.😍

I've finally found this sense of peace that I just never had before.
As for what happens tomorrow? Who knows, I'm really not losing any sleep over it.

copperfox22 said:I’m not sure if we’ve covered a topic like this before. If we have, mods, feel free to lock this thread.

After reading through some of the discussions here and doing a bit of my own reflecting, I’ve been thinking about those "ghosts from the past" and how much weight they actually carry for us. Obviously, everyone is different—some of us are tougher, some more sensitive, some more confident—but I think there’s a common thread we can pull on. So, here’s my question: how much are your past romantic failures and poor choices subconsciously (or even consciously) holding you back when you try to move forward?

To kick things off, I’ll be honest about myself. I’ve started wondering if I’m just making excuses under the guise of "life getting in the way," essentially sabotaging my chances at finding a real connection. It’s not that I’m shy or confused about what I want, and I don't really deal with massive complexes (at least nothing that feels like a major issue)... I tend to march to the beat of my own drum and don't always follow social norms, though I wouldn't say I'm a rebel, since I generally fit in just fine with society.

To cut to the chase, as much as I try to convince myself otherwise, I think I still carry some baggage from my past that’s starting to cause friction. Instead of throwing myself into meeting new people or experiencing new things with an open heart right from the jump, I find myself internally telling myself, "Don't bother, it’ll just be another bust... stay guarded, keep your distance."

I can't tell if my brain is doing this because it genuinely believes I have a knack for picking the wrong people, or if it’s just a defense mechanism—a fear that if I actually dare to trust someone, I’ll just end up disappointed all over again.
Sometimes I catch myself wondering if there's a reason I'm perpetually drawn to the wrong crowd. Why does that happen? Because, honestly, the "perfectly stable" types usually don't interest me at all 😕... they're always these eccentric characters, slightly off in one way or another. Now, combined with everything else, it’s creating a total mental block. It’s like the moment I find someone attractive, there's always some glaring, dangerous flaw 😬

Anyway, bottom line: how much are your failed relationships and past mistakes actually messing with your head? 😁

Bad experiences teach us caution, plain and simple. This behavior you described is your defense mechanism; it serves its purpose, but you have to loosen the grip slightly. You need to be willing to open up if you feel someone is worth it, while still maintaining a healthy level of skepticism. Being cold and guarded at all times leads nowhere. One must demonstrate a willingness to give someone a chance... in my experience, people respond much better when approached with positivity and reasonable expectations. It gives even those who might have been problematic in the past a shot at being better. If they mess up after you've shown them kindness—then you simply move on.

Your mind is acting out of pure fear of disappointment. However, you cannot allow that fear to dictate the entirety of your life. It is far worse to suffer through the anticipation of a potential disaster than to actually deal with the reality if it happens.

copperfox22 said:I’m not sure if we’ve covered a topic like this before. If we have, mods, feel free to lock this thread.

After reading through some of the discussions here and doing a bit of my own reflecting, I’ve been thinking about those "ghosts from the past" and how much weight they actually carry for us. Obviously, everyone is different—some of us are tougher, some more sensitive, some more confident—but I think there’s a common thread we can pull on. So, here’s my question: how much are your past romantic failures and poor choices subconsciously (or even consciously) holding you back when you try to move forward?

To kick things off, I’ll be honest about myself. I’ve started wondering if I’m just making excuses under the guise of "life getting in the way," essentially sabotaging my chances at finding a real connection. It’s not that I’m shy or confused about what I want, and I don't really deal with massive complexes (at least nothing that feels like a major issue)... I tend to march to the beat of my own drum and don't always follow social norms, though I wouldn't say I'm a rebel, since I generally fit in just fine with society.

To cut to the chase, as much as I try to convince myself otherwise, I think I still carry some baggage from my past that’s starting to cause friction. Instead of throwing myself into meeting new people or experiencing new things with an open heart right from the jump, I find myself internally telling myself, "Don't bother, it’ll just be another bust... stay guarded, keep your distance."

I can't tell if my brain is doing this because it genuinely believes I have a knack for picking the wrong people, or if it’s just a defense mechanism—a fear that if I actually dare to trust someone, I’ll just end up disappointed all over again.
Sometimes I catch myself wondering if there's a reason I'm perpetually drawn to the wrong crowd. Why does that happen? Because, honestly, the "perfectly stable" types usually don't interest me at all 😕... they're always these eccentric characters, slightly off in one way or another. Now, combined with everything else, it’s creating a total mental block. It’s like the moment I find someone attractive, there's always some glaring, dangerous flaw 😬

Anyway, bottom line: how much are your failed relationships and past mistakes actually messing with your head? 😁

Perhaps being attracted to the wrong people is itself a defense mechanism: with them, you are certain from the outset that disappointment is coming. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy...

A significant portion of romantic struggles, for both men and women, boils down to flawed selection criteria. People are naturally drawn to those who are exciting, elusive, and unpredictable... since when was anyone ever truly thrilled by the "nice guy"?🙂

As for me, I refuse to let the weight of the past limit, mark, hinder, or sabotage my future. There is no way it will stand in the way of finding the Right One; I won't permit it.🙂

Lawrence Patel9 said:I’m my own worst enemy at every turn. It wasn't some massive trauma, just left me alone and completely broken. Hurt like hell. Even now, after all this time, I still think about her and... I freeze up. Every time a real opportunity comes along, I sabotage it. I shut down. I run from anything that feels like a real emotional connection.

Maybe I just haven't met anyone worth the effort, or someone I could love the way I loved her. Who knows. Honestly, I have no clue. And it's been a long time. Longer than we were even together.

Rather than rambling aimlessly, I’ll just echo what my colleague put it: 🙂

Walter Peterson said:Bad experiences teach us caution, plain and simple. This behavior you described is your defense mechanism; it serves its purpose, but you have to loosen the grip slightly. You need to be willing to open up if you feel someone is worth it, while still maintaining a healthy level of skepticism. Being cold and guarded at all times leads nowhere. One must demonstrate a willingness to give someone a chance... in my experience, people respond much better when approached with positivity and reasonable expectations. It gives even those who might have been problematic in the past a shot at being better. If they mess up after you've shown them kindness—then you simply move on.

Your mind is acting out of pure fear of disappointment. However, you cannot allow that fear to dictate the entirety of your life. It is far worse to suffer through the anticipation of a potential disaster than to actually deal with the reality if it happens.

Perhaps being attracted to the wrong people is itself a defense mechanism: with them, you are certain from the outset that disappointment is coming. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy...

A significant portion of romantic struggles, for both men and women, boils down to flawed selection criteria. People are naturally drawn to those who are exciting, elusive, and unpredictable... since when was anyone ever truly thrilled by the "nice guy"?🙂

As for me, I refuse to let the weight of the past limit, mark, hinder, or sabotage my future. There is no way it will stand in the way of finding the Right One; I won't permit it.🙂

That might apply to you specifically, but as a broad statement, it’s a massive overgeneralization that just doesn't hold water.
The issue isn't necessarily the criteria themselves; rather, it's about setting the bar too high and having an inflated sense of one's own value.
And for the record, plenty of men find "the nice guys" quite attractive.

Angela Bennett23 said:Rather than rambling aimlessly, I’ll just echo what my colleague put it: 🙂

It’s more than just a defense mechanism. It's heavier than that. Honestly, who knows if my perspective is even grounded anymore or if it's just been warped by everything that happened. Some things only become obvious after decades pass.

Whatever. People love saying you should learn from everything and that everything happens for a reason, but what was the point? What was I supposed to learn from that? From every other relationship, sure—but not that one. I'm still wondering what the hell the purpose of all that chaos actually was. What "higher lesson" is there in any of this?

loneowl39 said:That might apply to you specifically, but as a broad statement, it’s a massive overgeneralization that just doesn't hold water.
The issue isn't necessarily the criteria themselves; rather, it's about setting the bar too high and having an inflated sense of one's own value.
And for the record, plenty of men find "the nice guys" quite attractive.

My own experience suggests that bitches tend to fare much better.

It is true that the criteria are part of the problem. However, I suppose you did provide some necessary context regarding the height requirements and the ego involved.

Lawrence Patel9 said:I’m my own worst enemy at every turn. It wasn't some massive trauma, just left me alone and completely broken. Hurt like hell. Even now, after all this time, I still think about her and... I freeze up. Every time a real opportunity comes along, I sabotage it. I shut down. I run from anything that feels like a real emotional connection.

Maybe I just haven't met anyone worth the effort, or someone I could love the way I loved her. Who knows. Honestly, I have no clue. And it's been a long time. Longer than we were even together.

It’s not exactly that I’m dodging people or refusing to meet anyone new. It’s more that very few people actually catch my eye, and on those rare occasions when they do, everything starts feeling high-stakes as soon as we move past that initial stage. Either I feel that surge of anxiety and end up fighting myself—sometimes I even manage to push through, only to regret it later 🙄...you know, I wish I hadn't. It would have been better. Because then one of two things happens: either things go sideways, or I walk away, or they just aren't interested in the first place.

For me, it isn't about pining over some ex-partner. That’s long gone; I moved past that ages ago, both mentally and emotionally. The bigger issue seems to be my tendency to pick the wrong guys. 😕

Walter Peterson said:Bad experiences teach us caution, plain and simple. This behavior you described is your defense mechanism; it serves its purpose, but you have to loosen the grip slightly. You need to be willing to open up if you feel someone is worth it, while still maintaining a healthy level of skepticism. Being cold and guarded at all times leads nowhere. One must demonstrate a willingness to give someone a chance... in my experience, people respond much better when approached with positivity and reasonable expectations. It gives even those who might have been problematic in the past a shot at being better. If they mess up after you've shown them kindness—then you simply move on.

Your mind is acting out of pure fear of disappointment. However, you cannot allow that fear to dictate the entirety of your life. It is far worse to suffer through the anticipation of a potential disaster than to actually deal with the reality if it happens.

Perhaps being attracted to the wrong people is itself a defense mechanism: with them, you are certain from the outset that disappointment is coming. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy...

A significant portion of romantic struggles, for both men and women, boils down to flawed selection criteria. People are naturally drawn to those who are exciting, elusive, and unpredictable... since when was anyone ever truly thrilled by the "nice guy"?🙂

As for me, I refuse to let the weight of the past limit, mark, hinder, or sabotage my future. There is no way it will stand in the way of finding the Right One; I won't permit it.🙂

But like I said, sometimes you *do* manage to let your guard down, only for everything to fall apart. Then the next time around, it's even harder for me; I get stuck in this dark, moody headspace... telling myself, "Get it together, girl, stop being so dramatic." And while I'm wrestling with those thoughts, I'm simultaneously nursing this hope that eventually, the "Right One" will show up 🙄...I just really don't want to deal with that rush of excitement again only to have it turn into another dud. 😢

- then you just move on.

The hard part is actually doing that—moving on. Even when you desperately want to.

Maybe the reason you're attracted to the wrong people is also a defense mechanism: with them, you already know disappointment is coming. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy...

And I hadn't even considered it from that angle yet. 😁
I was so certain I wasn't self-sabotaging... maybe I wasn't even aware that I was. 😕

People have always been drawn to the exciting, the elusive, and the unpredictable... I mean, who actually gets a thrill from someone being "nice"? : )

Well, it's certainly not everyone. I know plenty of people who are perfectly content with their predictable, cookie-cutter "good guys." Maybe there's just something wrong with my head 😬—this constant craving for something rare and different 😁.. Honestly, aside from the fact that it would make sense if I were looking for someone just as eccentric as I am... where on earth am I supposed to find them without constantly picking the wrong person? 🙏

I'm exhausted; sleep finally caught up with me, leaving me feeling skeptical and completely drained by all of this 😢

Lawrence Patel9 said:It’s more than just a defense mechanism. It's heavier than that. Honestly, who knows if my perspective is even grounded anymore or if it's just been warped by everything that happened. Some things only become obvious after decades pass.

Whatever. People love saying you should learn from everything and that everything happens for a reason, but what was the point? What was I supposed to learn from that? From every other relationship, sure—but not that one. I'm still wondering what the hell the purpose of all that chaos actually was. What "higher lesson" is there in any of this?

The lesson is simple: perform some self-reflection. Identify which of your own mistakes contributed to the breakup so you don't repeat them, then decide what kind of partner you actually want—what you'll tolerate and what you won't.

And finally, the primary realization should be that concepts like "soulmates," "perfect matches," or "unconditional love" are nothing more than romantic fairytales.

loneowl39 said:That might apply to you specifically, but as a broad statement, it’s a massive overgeneralization that just doesn't hold water.
The issue isn't necessarily the criteria themselves; rather, it's about setting the bar too high and having an inflated sense of one's own value.
And for the record, plenty of men find "the nice guys" quite attractive.

What do you mean by overrating yourself? I mean, sure, that happens, but once you move past that phase of youthful arrogance, you’d think you’d be more capable of an honest self-assessment during those more mature years. You should be able to see both the strengths and the flaws. At least personally, I’m pretty aware of my own shortcomings 🤷...I try to smooth them over, if nothing else, or maybe even change them for my own sake rather than for anyone else. I don't know.

copperfox22 said:It’s not exactly that I’m dodging people or refusing to meet anyone new. It’s more that very few people actually catch my eye, and on those rare occasions when they do, everything starts feeling high-stakes as soon as we move past that initial stage. Either I feel that surge of anxiety and end up fighting myself—sometimes I even manage to push through, only to regret it later 🙄...you know, I wish I hadn't. It would have been better. Because then one of two things happens: either things go sideways, or I walk away, or they just aren't interested in the first place.

For me, it isn't about pining over some ex-partner. That’s long gone; I moved past that ages ago, both mentally and emotionally. The bigger issue seems to be my tendency to pick the wrong guys. 😕

But like I said, sometimes you *do* manage to let your guard down, only for everything to fall apart. Then the next time around, it's even harder for me; I get stuck in this dark, moody headspace... telling myself, "Get it together, girl, stop being so dramatic." And while I'm wrestling with those thoughts, I'm simultaneously nursing this hope that eventually, the "Right One" will show up 🙄...I just really don't want to deal with that rush of excitement again only to have it turn into another dud. 😢

- then you just move on.

The hard part is actually doing that—moving on. Even when you desperately want to.

Maybe the reason you're attracted to the wrong people is also a defense mechanism: with them, you already know disappointment is coming. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy...

And I hadn't even considered it from that angle yet. 😁
I was so certain I wasn't self-sabotaging... maybe I wasn't even aware that I was. 😕

People have always been drawn to the exciting, the elusive, and the unpredictable... I mean, who actually gets a thrill from someone being "nice"? : )

Well, it's certainly not everyone. I know plenty of people who are perfectly content with their predictable, cookie-cutter "good guys." Maybe there's just something wrong with my head 😬—this constant craving for something rare and different 😁.. Honestly, aside from the fact that it would make sense if I were looking for someone just as eccentric as I am... where on earth am I supposed to find them without constantly picking the wrong person? 🙏

I'm exhausted; sleep finally caught up with me, leaving me feeling skeptical and completely drained by all of this 😢

We all have our own version of Prince Charming. The problem is that you seem to believe he actually exists out there somewhere as a singular entity. Reality is much harsher: there are only partners who are more or less compatible. And at this stage of life—with all this experience, wisdom, and skepticism—you simply cannot afford that kind of delusion. I suppose I should have seen this coming. A complete lack of substance. Typical. To fall in love like you did at eighteen. When everything felt untainted. Purely positive. Naive. Plagued by ignorance, perhaps, but entirely unblemished.

copperfox22 said:It’s not exactly that I’m dodging people or refusing to meet anyone new. It’s more that very few people actually catch my eye, and on those rare occasions when they do, everything starts feeling high-stakes as soon as we move past that initial stage. Either I feel that surge of anxiety and end up fighting myself—sometimes I even manage to push through, only to regret it later 🙄...you know, I wish I hadn't. It would have been better. Because then one of two things happens: either things go sideways, or I walk away, or they just aren't interested in the first place.

For me, it isn't about pining over some ex-partner. That’s long gone; I moved past that ages ago, both mentally and emotionally. The bigger issue seems to be my tendency to pick the wrong guys. 😕

But like I said, sometimes you *do* manage to let your guard down, only for everything to fall apart. Then the next time around, it's even harder for me; I get stuck in this dark, moody headspace... telling myself, "Get it together, girl, stop being so dramatic." And while I'm wrestling with those thoughts, I'm simultaneously nursing this hope that eventually, the "Right One" will show up 🙄...I just really don't want to deal with that rush of excitement again only to have it turn into another dud. 😢

- then you just move on.

The hard part is actually doing that—moving on. Even when you desperately want to.

Maybe the reason you're attracted to the wrong people is also a defense mechanism: with them, you already know disappointment is coming. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy...

And I hadn't even considered it from that angle yet. 😁
I was so certain I wasn't self-sabotaging... maybe I wasn't even aware that I was. 😕

People have always been drawn to the exciting, the elusive, and the unpredictable... I mean, who actually gets a thrill from someone being "nice"? : )

Well, it's certainly not everyone. I know plenty of people who are perfectly content with their predictable, cookie-cutter "good guys." Maybe there's just something wrong with my head 😬—this constant craving for something rare and different 😁.. Honestly, aside from the fact that it would make sense if I were looking for someone just as eccentric as I am... where on earth am I supposed to find them without constantly picking the wrong person? 🙏

I'm exhausted; sleep finally caught up with me, leaving me feeling skeptical and completely drained by all of this 😢

The individual for whom the alternative is even more grim simply pushes forward; they find the strength. I believe you can do the same. The will alone is sufficient.

copperfox22 said:It’s not exactly that I’m dodging people or refusing to meet anyone new. It’s more that very few people actually catch my eye, and on those rare occasions when they do, everything starts feeling high-stakes as soon as we move past that initial stage. Either I feel that surge of anxiety and end up fighting myself—sometimes I even manage to push through, only to regret it later 🙄...you know, I wish I hadn't. It would have been better. Because then one of two things happens: either things go sideways, or I walk away, or they just aren't interested in the first place.

For me, it isn't about pining over some ex-partner. That’s long gone; I moved past that ages ago, both mentally and emotionally. The bigger issue seems to be my tendency to pick the wrong guys. 😕

But like I said, sometimes you *do* manage to let your guard down, only for everything to fall apart. Then the next time around, it's even harder for me; I get stuck in this dark, moody headspace... telling myself, "Get it together, girl, stop being so dramatic." And while I'm wrestling with those thoughts, I'm simultaneously nursing this hope that eventually, the "Right One" will show up 🙄...I just really don't want to deal with that rush of excitement again only to have it turn into another dud. 😢

- then you just move on.

The hard part is actually doing that—moving on. Even when you desperately want to.

Maybe the reason you're attracted to the wrong people is also a defense mechanism: with them, you already know disappointment is coming. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy...

And I hadn't even considered it from that angle yet. 😁
I was so certain I wasn't self-sabotaging... maybe I wasn't even aware that I was. 😕

People have always been drawn to the exciting, the elusive, and the unpredictable... I mean, who actually gets a thrill from someone being "nice"? : )

Well, it's certainly not everyone. I know plenty of people who are perfectly content with their predictable, cookie-cutter "good guys." Maybe there's just something wrong with my head 😬—this constant craving for something rare and different 😁.. Honestly, aside from the fact that it would make sense if I were looking for someone just as eccentric as I am... where on earth am I supposed to find them without constantly picking the wrong person? 🙏

I'm exhausted; sleep finally caught up with me, leaving me feeling skeptical and completely drained by all of this 😢

Based on everything you’ve written, I get the impression you might be a bit of a saboteur.

copperfox22 said:It’s not exactly that I’m dodging people or refusing to meet anyone new. It’s more that very few people actually catch my eye, and on those rare occasions when they do, everything starts feeling high-stakes as soon as we move past that initial stage. Either I feel that surge of anxiety and end up fighting myself—sometimes I even manage to push through, only to regret it later 🙄...you know, I wish I hadn't. It would have been better. Because then one of two things happens: either things go sideways, or I walk away, or they just aren't interested in the first place.

For me, it isn't about pining over some ex-partner. That’s long gone; I moved past that ages ago, both mentally and emotionally. The bigger issue seems to be my tendency to pick the wrong guys. 😕

But like I said, sometimes you *do* manage to let your guard down, only for everything to fall apart. Then the next time around, it's even harder for me; I get stuck in this dark, moody headspace... telling myself, "Get it together, girl, stop being so dramatic." And while I'm wrestling with those thoughts, I'm simultaneously nursing this hope that eventually, the "Right One" will show up 🙄...I just really don't want to deal with that rush of excitement again only to have it turn into another dud. 😢

- then you just move on.

The hard part is actually doing that—moving on. Even when you desperately want to.

Maybe the reason you're attracted to the wrong people is also a defense mechanism: with them, you already know disappointment is coming. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy...

And I hadn't even considered it from that angle yet. 😁
I was so certain I wasn't self-sabotaging... maybe I wasn't even aware that I was. 😕

People have always been drawn to the exciting, the elusive, and the unpredictable... I mean, who actually gets a thrill from someone being "nice"? : )

Well, it's certainly not everyone. I know plenty of people who are perfectly content with their predictable, cookie-cutter "good guys." Maybe there's just something wrong with my head 😬—this constant craving for something rare and different 😁.. Honestly, aside from the fact that it would make sense if I were looking for someone just as eccentric as I am... where on earth am I supposed to find them without constantly picking the wrong person? 🙏

I'm exhausted; sleep finally caught up with me, leaving me feeling skeptical and completely drained by all of this 😢

It is perfectly reasonable to seek out what truly suits you. However, those who aim for something more substantial than a half-hearted connection must be prepared to pay the toll—the search is neither easy nor brief.

Walter Peterson said:The lesson is simple: perform some self-reflection. Identify which of your own mistakes contributed to the breakup so you don't repeat them, then decide what kind of partner you actually want—what you'll tolerate and what you won't.

And finally, the primary realization should be that concepts like "soulmates," "perfect matches," or "unconditional love" are nothing more than romantic fairytales.

They exist, sure. It’s just that they're incredibly rare.😉

copperfox22 said:What do you mean by overrating yourself? I mean, sure, that happens, but once you move past that phase of youthful arrogance, you’d think you’d be more capable of an honest self-assessment during those more mature years. You should be able to see both the strengths and the flaws. At least personally, I’m pretty aware of my own shortcomings 🤷...I try to smooth them over, if nothing else, or maybe even change them for my own sake rather than for anyone else. I don't know.

I tend to view it this way: take a woman who is, by most realistic standards, quite average-looking—which, let’s be honest, is what matters most to men—yet she insists on only dating guys with that runway model physique. If we set aside all other criteria for a moment, you see the disconnect right there.
And then she acts surprised when she can't find a boyfriend.🙄
There are plenty of such instances, honestly, occurring on both sides of the aisle.
I’m inclined to believe that, on average, men tend to be far more objective when assessing their own physical attractiveness than women are.

copperfox22 said:It’s not exactly that I’m dodging people or refusing to meet anyone new. It’s more that very few people actually catch my eye, and on those rare occasions when they do, everything starts feeling high-stakes as soon as we move past that initial stage. Either I feel that surge of anxiety and end up fighting myself—sometimes I even manage to push through, only to regret it later 🙄...you know, I wish I hadn't. It would have been better. Because then one of two things happens: either things go sideways, or I walk away, or they just aren't interested in the first place.

For me, it isn't about pining over some ex-partner. That’s long gone; I moved past that ages ago, both mentally and emotionally. The bigger issue seems to be my tendency to pick the wrong guys. 😕

But like I said, sometimes you *do* manage to let your guard down, only for everything to fall apart. Then the next time around, it's even harder for me; I get stuck in this dark, moody headspace... telling myself, "Get it together, girl, stop being so dramatic." And while I'm wrestling with those thoughts, I'm simultaneously nursing this hope that eventually, the "Right One" will show up 🙄...I just really don't want to deal with that rush of excitement again only to have it turn into another dud. 😢

- then you just move on.

The hard part is actually doing that—moving on. Even when you desperately want to.

Maybe the reason you're attracted to the wrong people is also a defense mechanism: with them, you already know disappointment is coming. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy...

And I hadn't even considered it from that angle yet. 😁
I was so certain I wasn't self-sabotaging... maybe I wasn't even aware that I was. 😕

People have always been drawn to the exciting, the elusive, and the unpredictable... I mean, who actually gets a thrill from someone being "nice"? : )

Well, it's certainly not everyone. I know plenty of people who are perfectly content with their predictable, cookie-cutter "good guys." Maybe there's just something wrong with my head 😬—this constant craving for something rare and different 😁.. Honestly, aside from the fact that it would make sense if I were looking for someone just as eccentric as I am... where on earth am I supposed to find them without constantly picking the wrong person? 🙏

I'm exhausted; sleep finally caught up with me, leaving me feeling skeptical and completely drained by all of this 😢

Exactly. They don't interest me, and everything else feels dull by comparison. Not that I'm comparing them—it just isn't there. Honestly, the issue isn't them. It's me.

Walter Peterson said:The lesson is simple: perform some self-reflection. Identify which of your own mistakes contributed to the breakup so you don't repeat them, then decide what kind of partner you actually want—what you'll tolerate and what you won't.

And finally, the primary realization should be that concepts like "soulmates," "perfect matches," or "unconditional love" are nothing more than romantic fairytales.

I moved past all that ages ago. I'm not seventeen anymore. I've been through enough that it all just feels confusing now. There are plenty of reasons. A whole chain of them that formed one big mess. I've analyzed it, dissected it, turned it over, and still, I have nothing concrete to say about it.

All I know is that after everything, nothing is ever the same.

loneowl39 said:They exist, sure. It’s just that they're incredibly rare.😉

I tend to view it this way: take a woman who is, by most realistic standards, quite average-looking—which, let’s be honest, is what matters most to men—yet she insists on only dating guys with that runway model physique. If we set aside all other criteria for a moment, you see the disconnect right there.
And then she acts surprised when she can't find a boyfriend.🙄
There are plenty of such instances, honestly, occurring on both sides of the aisle.
I’m inclined to believe that, on average, men tend to be far more objective when assessing their own physical attractiveness than women are.

I don't know about you all, but models have never really been my type. To be honest, I usually find myself gravitating toward the exact opposite. 🙂

When it comes to my own appearance, I have to admit that I’m way more cutthroat and critical than anyone around me. My friends and family might tell me I look fine, but I’ve always been my own harshest critic. 😬

Mark my words—this is going to end up being a massive headache down the road. 🤣

loneowl39 said:They exist, sure. It’s just that they're incredibly rare.😉

I tend to view it this way: take a woman who is, by most realistic standards, quite average-looking—which, let’s be honest, is what matters most to men—yet she insists on only dating guys with that runway model physique. If we set aside all other criteria for a moment, you see the disconnect right there.
And then she acts surprised when she can't find a boyfriend.🙄
There are plenty of such instances, honestly, occurring on both sides of the aisle.
I’m inclined to believe that, on average, men tend to be far more objective when assessing their own physical attractiveness than women are.

And men, quite frequently, overrate themselves and hunt exclusively for that supermodel type.

But I don't think there are many women on this thread looking for models; I include myself in that group.😉

copperfox22 said:I don't know about you all, but models have never really been my type. To be honest, I usually find myself gravitating toward the exact opposite. 🙂

When it comes to my own appearance, I have to admit that I’m way more cutthroat and critical than anyone around me. My friends and family might tell me I look fine, but I’ve always been my own harshest critic. 😬

Mark my words—this is going to end up being a massive headache down the road. 🤣

That seems to be the consensus among individuals, yet anonymous surveys suggest the exact opposite is true.
http://www.webmd.com/article/1554/

Lawrence Patel9 said:Exactly. They don't interest me, and everything else feels dull by comparison. Not that I'm comparing them—it just isn't there. Honestly, the issue isn't them. It's me.

I moved past all that ages ago. I'm not seventeen anymore. I've been through enough that it all just feels confusing now. There are plenty of reasons. A whole chain of them that formed one big mess. I've analyzed it, dissected it, turned it over, and still, I have nothing concrete to say about it.

All I know is that after everything, nothing is ever the same.

Reality hits hard again: people—friends, partners—drift in and out of our lives. If it isn't by choice, it's by death. You can lose someone in a million different ways. It is a difficult truth to reconcile with: the fact that you are the only constant in your own life.

Walter Peterson said:And men, quite frequently, overrate themselves and hunt exclusively for that supermodel type.

But I don't think there are many women on this thread looking for models; I include myself in that group.😉

Sure, they’re looking for that specific type of person, but let’s be honest—they don't exactly walk around thinking they’re the best-looking people in the room.
It’s funny how that works. You see these women out there chasing after those kinds of results, and they genuinely walk around thinking they’re some kind of supermodel—even when, objectively speaking, they aren't quite there.
I am speaking about one’s own self-perception, not about what someone else happens to be looking for.
Overestimating one's own value—or in this specific instance, it seems—is ultimately a matter of distorted self-perception.
They might look identical on the surface, but don't let that fool you—the difference is massive.

Here’s the deal. I lived with my girlfriend for about six years without being married. Even after we split, we kept seeing each other for another year. I basically became her casual hookup.
I honestly don't think I'll ever love anyone like that again. Every girl I've dated since then? I just end up comparing them to my ex. It makes me feel like I'm totally broken when it comes to relationships, like I've lost the ability to actually care about someone.😢
I definitely agree that most women are out there looking for some fairy tale prince. Then reality hits, they realize they're getting older, and suddenly they find themselves alone.👎
Plus, those "bad boys"—the guys who kind of disrupt the status quo—are always the ones in high demand.
Being a genuinely nice guy just isn't trendy right now. 🙄