Posts by Brandon Sullivan5
7 posts shown.
We’ve tried just about everything. Trying to shame him back into line would only end up hurting his feelings, which doesn't help anyone. There have been several nights where he’s just sat here at home, drinking and breaking down after some strangers told him they used to know his father and what a good man he was. He can't seem to shake that feeling; it's like he's carrying this massive weight that nobody ever asked him to shoulder. About six years ago, he hit a rough patch similar to this and managed to pull himself out on his own. Once, he even lost his temper and lashed out at the wrong person because he thought some jerk was calling him with a shady job offer, when in reality, it was someone else offering him a legitimate opportunity. He’s also taken care of people who were bad influences on him in the past. At the end of the day, we can't force an adult to change their ways; usually, they find their own footing eventually. But if what he's involved in is actually illegal, I'm worried that getting caught up in the legal system will only make things worse by attracting even more lowlifes to his doorstep.
He mentioned something yesterday, though we aren't entirely sure of the specifics. It sounds like he borrowed some money and now might have to go see certain people to settle the debt, but honestly, I don't know the full story.
To me, what he said feels like a cry for help—an invitation for us to step in and pull him away from this situation. I spoke with him today and told him straight: if he’s doing something wrong, all he's doing is digging his own grave. He insisted that nothing could hurt him, but I offered my support regardless. I told him to just let us know what we can do to help him get out of this before he gets too deep in the mud, and to think about what he actually wants for his future, promising that we'll stand behind him and help him reach those goals. He’s the only one who can make that call. When he truly sets his mind to something, though, he becomes incredibly driven; he’ll spend days on end working toward a goal without even stopping to sleep.
We were both still in elementary school when this whole homework situation went down. I honestly thought I was doing him a favor by stepping in, especially since he hadn't even started writing and class was set to begin in twenty minutes.
I’ve also given serious thought to kicking him out—just turning my back on him to see if it shakes him up a bit. But I worry that instead of stepping up, he might just dig his heels in even deeper, adopting that "I don't need anyone, I can take care of myself" attitude. It’s possible this entire situation is a reaction to losing his safety net; once his student benefits expired, he hit a wall. He hasn't passed a single class in two years, and with only a couple of exams left, he’s just stalling. Now that he’s been told plainly that enough is enough—that he either finishes his degree or finds a job because he shouldn't be living rent-free indefinitely—he's acting out like this. The thing is, I can't just evict him since he has rights to the apartment, and he’s incredibly sharp; he has a way of twisting every conversation to suit his own interests.
To be fair, he isn't a bad person at heart. He’s actually quite kind-hearted and sensitive, so you have to tread lightly around him. He’s always there for people and has a huge circle of friends, but it feels like he’s just terrified of facing the real world. To the outside observer, he puts on this tough guy persona, but internally, he knows right from wrong. He’s aware when he’s failing. For instance, there have been several times when he saw men harassing their girlfriends in public, and he was always the one insisting we step in to help. One time, a guy was aggressively tailgating someone in a car, and my brother actually rushed toward them, calling for his girlfriend to come over to join us—four strong guys against one person, the guy wouldn't have stood a chance. But she refused to help and just got in the car with the guy instead, leaving my brother absolutely shaken by how much he had worried about her. He truly is a good person, but he gets caught up in these messes because, in my opinion, he panics whenever he feels like he might fail at something. He then tries to mask that insecurity by acting tough. I need to find a way to help him redirect that drive for validation into something productive before it's too late.
Regarding those types of situations, yesterday when his mother refused to let him go, he snapped and said, "You have no idea what kind of people they are, I have to handle this." We were absolutely terrified. I was scared that the argument would escalate into something reckless, like him spiraling into a drinking binge and not making it home until dawn, which has happened so many times before. However, he actually made it back within an hour.
He won't discuss these matters with me; it’s almost as if he’s ashamed in my presence. He views my moral compass as naive, even going so far as to criticize a girl he felt sorry for, implying she wasn't as "good" as I am. He talks to his mother, though. Perhaps I should write him a letter and explain everything, even apologizing if I feel I’ve intruded on his personal struggles.
velvetsailor6 said:That’s a plus. How would you describe their personality? How do they handle conflict? Are they argumentative or more the type to just walk away?
He jumps straight into an argument, or he just walks away and refuses to listen. I honestly think his mom lets him get away with it because she's terrified things will escalate if she doesn't cave, which just leaves me feeling frustrated with her. I end up snapping at her, telling her she needs to be firmer, but then I feel terrible afterward because I'm basically taking my anger out on her for no reason—especially since, more often than not, her way of talking to him actually works much better than mine.
I can see how this family might be misunderstood right off the bat. We aren’t some group of smooth-talking manipulators, nor are we loaded, though by our standards, we’re doing better than most—we have enough to live a decent life.
Our father passed away when my brother was still quite young, and I can't help but wonder if things would have turned out differently if he were still here. Perhaps having a man in the house would have shaped his development differently than being raised by two women who, frankly, spoiled him quite a bit. It isn't an argument against the love he received, but I do think a different approach to discipline or structure earlier on might have led to a better outcome. He lives in a home filled with affection, and he certainly doesn't doubt that; there haven't been any crushing expectations or intense pressure placed on him.
The massive issue is that we often stepped in to fix his problems for him instead of letting him learn from his own mistakes—like when we'd take over his schoolwork just to get it finished. Now, whenever he hits a wall, his default response is to turn to alcohol. That's what I meant when I called him a coward. When he succeeds, everything is fantastic, and that success fuels his drive to keep going; but the moment he faces failure, he just shuts down completely. We can't convince him to try again, to see that it isn't the end of the world, or that everyone stumbles sometimes.
I’ve gone through stacks of books trying to find ways to boost his self-esteem, and while that advice works if a person is naturally persistent, it falls apart when they hit a major setback. For instance, now that he’s run out of money, instead of looking for a job to stabilize his situation, he chooses this path.
If anyone has any ideas on what might actually help, I am truly open to trying anything.
I honestly don't know what to do, what to say to him, or even who to turn to for help.
Instead of actually starting his career, he’s gotten himself tangled up in some shady dealings with people you definitely don't want to mess with. I confronted him about it, and he just brushed me off, claiming it has nothing to do with us—which, as you can imagine, is incredibly hard to swallow. We've always been an educated, principled family; we're honest people, and this kind of behavior is completely foreign to our values. He’s a good person at heart, but when it comes to standing up for what's right, he’s a coward.