What should I do? My brother is involved in illegal activities

I honestly don't know what to do, what to say to him, or even who to turn to for help.
Instead of actually starting his career, he’s gotten himself tangled up in some shady dealings with people you definitely don't want to mess with. I confronted him about it, and he just brushed me off, claiming it has nothing to do with us—which, as you can imagine, is incredibly hard to swallow. We've always been an educated, principled family; we're honest people, and this kind of behavior is completely foreign to our values. He’s a good person at heart, but when it comes to standing up for what's right, he’s a coward.

Brandon Sullivan5 said:I honestly don't know what to do, what to say to him, or even who to turn to for help.
Instead of actually starting his career, he’s gotten himself tangled up in some shady dealings with people you definitely don't want to mess with. I confronted him about it, and he just brushed me off, claiming it has nothing to do with us—which, as you can imagine, is incredibly hard to swallow. We've always been an educated, principled family; we're honest people, and this kind of behavior is completely foreign to our values. He’s a good person at heart, but when it comes to standing up for what's right, he’s a coward.

How old is he? And does he live with you or on his own?

For us, at 24 years old

I suppose one might wonder where the psychological element fits into this particular scenario.

Brandon Sullivan5 said:I honestly don't know what to do, what to say to him, or even who to turn to for help.
Instead of actually starting his career, he’s gotten himself tangled up in some shady dealings with people you definitely don't want to mess with. I confronted him about it, and he just brushed me off, claiming it has nothing to do with us—which, as you can imagine, is incredibly hard to swallow. We've always been an educated, principled family; we're honest people, and this kind of behavior is completely foreign to our values. He’s a good person at heart, but when it comes to standing up for what's right, he’s a coward.

It’s great that you guys are good, honest people, but the issue is his lack of backbone. That’s where you really have to start addressing this.

a. it's here.

Roger Morgan4 said:It’s great that you guys are good, honest people, but the issue is his lack of backbone. That’s where you really have to start addressing this.

You often get these types from those "old money" families—you know, those stuffy East Coast elites—who end up acting like Leon Glembay. What he's doing might be seen as a rebellion... maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm not, who knows?

shadowtrucker18 said:a. it's here.

How should I put this? It seems pretty clear that the family dynamic isn't quite the picture-perfect image people assume it to be. In fact, most of these messy issues seem to stem from her brother’s complete lack of personal accountability. His whole approach is basically just constant criticism—throwing out labels like "coward" whenever things get difficult.

You see all these high-society families—super polished, everyone’s got a degree, living that easy life—and at first glance, it looks totally legit. But if you look closer? It’s a facade. They can’t actually sustain that lifestyle on just two doctor salaries, no matter how much they make. Basically, you've got parents who are surgeons or engineers, acting all saintly while quietly pulling in shady side income so nobody suspects a thing. They play the part perfectly—raising their kids to be well-mannered, educated, and providing them with everything under the sun. On the surface, they're the perfect family—the dad is this super involved guy, picking up his daughter from dance class at 3 AM without a complaint, maybe even an avid hunter on the weekends and all that.

Maybe give him a little shake-up... or just lean on him a bit with some pressure...
....I mean... if he’s really just a coward at heart... he’ll back down immediately...

Brandon Sullivan5 said:For us, at 24 years old

That’s a plus. How would you describe their personality? How do they handle conflict? Are they argumentative or more the type to just walk away?

Rebecca Scott3 said:Maybe give him a little shake-up... or just lean on him a bit with some pressure...
....I mean... if he’s really just a coward at heart... he’ll back down immediately...

That was my first thought too 😁, but if he's stubborn, it'll just make things worse...

velvetsailor6 said:That was my first thought too 😁, but if he's stubborn, it'll just make things worse...

..if we can just find a way to get him to drop that attitude....

I can see how this family might be misunderstood right off the bat. We aren’t some group of smooth-talking manipulators, nor are we loaded, though by our standards, we’re doing better than most—we have enough to live a decent life.

Our father passed away when my brother was still quite young, and I can't help but wonder if things would have turned out differently if he were still here. Perhaps having a man in the house would have shaped his development differently than being raised by two women who, frankly, spoiled him quite a bit. It isn't an argument against the love he received, but I do think a different approach to discipline or structure earlier on might have led to a better outcome. He lives in a home filled with affection, and he certainly doesn't doubt that; there haven't been any crushing expectations or intense pressure placed on him.

The massive issue is that we often stepped in to fix his problems for him instead of letting him learn from his own mistakes—like when we'd take over his schoolwork just to get it finished. Now, whenever he hits a wall, his default response is to turn to alcohol. That's what I meant when I called him a coward. When he succeeds, everything is fantastic, and that success fuels his drive to keep going; but the moment he faces failure, he just shuts down completely. We can't convince him to try again, to see that it isn't the end of the world, or that everyone stumbles sometimes.

I’ve gone through stacks of books trying to find ways to boost his self-esteem, and while that advice works if a person is naturally persistent, it falls apart when they hit a major setback. For instance, now that he’s run out of money, instead of looking for a job to stabilize his situation, he chooses this path.

If anyone has any ideas on what might actually help, I am truly open to trying anything.

velvetsailor6 said:That’s a plus. How would you describe their personality? How do they handle conflict? Are they argumentative or more the type to just walk away?

He jumps straight into an argument, or he just walks away and refuses to listen. I honestly think his mom lets him get away with it because she's terrified things will escalate if she doesn't cave, which just leaves me feeling frustrated with her. I end up snapping at her, telling her she needs to be firmer, but then I feel terrible afterward because I'm basically taking my anger out on her for no reason—especially since, more often than not, her way of talking to him actually works much better than mine.

Brandon Sullivan5 said:I can see how this family might be misunderstood right off the bat. We aren’t some group of smooth-talking manipulators, nor are we loaded, though by our standards, we’re doing better than most—we have enough to live a decent life.

Our father passed away when my brother was still quite young, and I can't help but wonder if things would have turned out differently if he were still here. Perhaps having a man in the house would have shaped his development differently than being raised by two women who, frankly, spoiled him quite a bit. It isn't an argument against the love he received, but I do think a different approach to discipline or structure earlier on might have led to a better outcome. He lives in a home filled with affection, and he certainly doesn't doubt that; there haven't been any crushing expectations or intense pressure placed on him.

The massive issue is that we often stepped in to fix his problems for him instead of letting him learn from his own mistakes—like when we'd take over his schoolwork just to get it finished. Now, whenever he hits a wall, his default response is to turn to alcohol. That's what I meant when I called him a coward. When he succeeds, everything is fantastic, and that success fuels his drive to keep going; but the moment he faces failure, he just shuts down completely. We can't convince him to try again, to see that it isn't the end of the world, or that everyone stumbles sometimes.

I’ve gone through stacks of books trying to find ways to boost his self-esteem, and while that advice works if a person is naturally persistent, it falls apart when they hit a major setback. For instance, now that he’s run out of money, instead of looking for a job to stabilize his situation, he chooses this path.

If anyone has any ideas on what might actually help, I am truly open to trying anything.

Rough. ☕ Your brother is acting way too spoiled. Finding work isn't easy, but that’s no excuse. He needs a serious reality check and some harsh truths. Tell him his late father would be ashamed of him. Tell him he's bringing disgrace to the family. Honestly, just turn your backs on him for once. Let him hit rock bottom and figure out how to climb out himself. What kind of mess is he actually in? I hope it isn't drugs.
When it comes to alcohol, how much does he drink?

Brandon Sullivan5 said:He jumps straight into an argument, or he just walks away and refuses to listen. I honestly think his mom lets him get away with it because she's terrified things will escalate if she doesn't cave, which just leaves me feeling frustrated with her. I end up snapping at her, telling her she needs to be firmer, but then I feel terrible afterward because I'm basically taking my anger out on her for no reason—especially since, more often than not, her way of talking to him actually works much better than mine.

Don't try to lecture him. Just tell him you're ashamed of him and done with him. Ignore him for a bit and see how he reacts. And leave his mother alone; you can't change her. If her talks with him are working, then let them work.

Yeah. Kick him out of the house.

I mean, why even bother stopping there? You could just take his clothes, leave him to deal with the cold water, and let the frost take its course...

It seems to me you raised a fool, and now that you're stuck with one, you're suddenly complaining about the results. 😕

Well, isn't that just wonderful. ☕

I’ve also given serious thought to kicking him out—just turning my back on him to see if it shakes him up a bit. But I worry that instead of stepping up, he might just dig his heels in even deeper, adopting that "I don't need anyone, I can take care of myself" attitude. It’s possible this entire situation is a reaction to losing his safety net; once his student benefits expired, he hit a wall. He hasn't passed a single class in two years, and with only a couple of exams left, he’s just stalling. Now that he’s been told plainly that enough is enough—that he either finishes his degree or finds a job because he shouldn't be living rent-free indefinitely—he's acting out like this. The thing is, I can't just evict him since he has rights to the apartment, and he’s incredibly sharp; he has a way of twisting every conversation to suit his own interests.

To be fair, he isn't a bad person at heart. He’s actually quite kind-hearted and sensitive, so you have to tread lightly around him. He’s always there for people and has a huge circle of friends, but it feels like he’s just terrified of facing the real world. To the outside observer, he puts on this tough guy persona, but internally, he knows right from wrong. He’s aware when he’s failing. For instance, there have been several times when he saw men harassing their girlfriends in public, and he was always the one insisting we step in to help. One time, a guy was aggressively tailgating someone in a car, and my brother actually rushed toward them, calling for his girlfriend to come over to join us—four strong guys against one person, the guy wouldn't have stood a chance. But she refused to help and just got in the car with the guy instead, leaving my brother absolutely shaken by how much he had worried about her. He truly is a good person, but he gets caught up in these messes because, in my opinion, he panics whenever he feels like he might fail at something. He then tries to mask that insecurity by acting tough. I need to find a way to help him redirect that drive for validation into something productive before it's too late.

Regarding those types of situations, yesterday when his mother refused to let him go, he snapped and said, "You have no idea what kind of people they are, I have to handle this." We were absolutely terrified. I was scared that the argument would escalate into something reckless, like him spiraling into a drinking binge and not making it home until dawn, which has happened so many times before. However, he actually made it back within an hour.

He won't discuss these matters with me; it’s almost as if he’s ashamed in my presence. He views my moral compass as naive, even going so far as to criticize a girl he felt sorry for, implying she wasn't as "good" as I am. He talks to his mother, though. Perhaps I should write him a letter and explain everything, even apologizing if I feel I’ve intruded on his personal struggles.