Child sexual abuse: How to spot the signs?
in Psychology ·
I’m reaching out because I really need some help from this community. When I was just five years old, an older cousin of mine—he was about 16 at the time—got me and two other cousins involved in sexual activities. Because he was much older, we looked up to him like a big brother, and as kids, we didn't realize anything was wrong. He would show us magazines, expose himself, and masturbate, and eventually, the three of us began "playing" together. Even after he left, the three of us continued those behaviors until we were around 12. It’s been eating me alive. For the last seven years, I’ve been struggling with the aftermath, and while there have been ups and downs, the last two months have been devastating. I feel completely lost. I’ve seen a psychiatrist before, but I couldn't bring myself to be fully honest about everything that happened. Now, the trauma has resurfaced with such intensity that I’ve lost 10 pounds and my college coursework is falling apart. The anxiety is overwhelming; I get this constant tightness in my throat and chest, and my hands won't stop shaking. I can't seem to shake this feeling. I’ve even had suicidal thoughts, but I can't go through with it because of my parents and my sister. They know what I’m going through and they’ve been incredibly supportive, which is the only thing keeping me grounded. But honestly, it feels like living in a literal hell. I don't know how to move forward. I struggle with self-loathing and a crushing sense of guilt. I know logically that my cousin was the one responsible because of the age gap and his maturity, but I still carry this weight, wondering if we should have just stopped it ourselves back then instead of letting it drag on for years. I feel trapped. Has anyone else ever dealt with something similar? Please, if you have any advice, I really need it.