Child sexual abuse: How to spot the signs?

I’m really sorry if this topic already exists somewhere else; please feel free to move it if that’s necessary.

I honestly don't even know how to start this thread, so I’ll just say it plainly: I am a survivor of sexual abuse involving minors. Back when I was in preschool, my nephew and niece, who were a few years older than me at the time, used to abuse me through what they called "games." Because I was so young and naive, I just went along with it, having absolutely no idea what was actually happening. It wasn't sexual intercourse in the adult sense, but we would strip naked, and they would touch my private areas and each other. My nephew would even press himself against me. This happened every single time we went over to their house for a visit. At first, I hated it, but eventually, it started feeling totally normal—just another part of the game—and later on, I even found it fun. I can't even remember when it finally stopped, mostly because I pushed the whole thing so deep down inside myself. To this day, I have a wonderful relationship with my nephew; in fact, we’re closer than most relatives. But none of this ever happened again, and we’ve never once spoken about it.
However, the consequences stayed with me. When I’m having sex now, I struggle to truly relax, and when it comes to reaching an orgasm, I can only achieve it through masturbation.

What actually prompted me to open this discussion are some recent events that have stirred up these memories, and even after all these years, they still sting and won't leave me alone.

You see, that same nephew of mine has a little girl who is preschool-aged, and my niece has a ten-year-old son. He recently caught them in a room touching each other... and of course, he completely lost it. Somehow, things were smoothed over with the excuse of, "Oh, just let it go, it's just kids being kids"?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

On top of that, a friend of mine mentioned during a casual conversation the other night how some older girls in her neighborhood used to touch her, which is how she learned to masturbate. She added that while it was definitely sexual abuse, since it happened when they were kids, she doesn't have any blocks in her sex life—in fact, she’s actually quite promiscuous.

After hearing all of this, I realized that I’m definitely not the only one who went through something like this.
So, I wanted to ask you all:...
1. Has anything like this happened to any of you?
2. Do you consider these incidents to be just "childish behavior"?
3. Why is this still such a taboo subject when it's so obvious that many children experience sexual encounters long before they even hit puberty?
4. How on earth do you protect your own child from something like this?!?!?!?!?!
5. Am I crazy for feeling so much shame about this and keeping it to myself, while my friend talks about it without a hint of embarrassment, as if it were the most natural thing in the world?
6. And finally, should I have an open conversation with my nephew about this, or should I just leave it where it has always been... buried deep within my soul?

This is standard childhood behavior; it happens to everyone. It isn't sexual abuse. Abuse requires a power imbalance, but these are just kids on level ground—there’s no victim here, just curiosity.

I have heard countless stories similar to this, yet nobody ever labeled them as abuse.

Perhaps your issues with intimacy stem from something else entirely; I doubt this is the cause...

This is a heavy subject to unpack. Honestly, you might find it beneficial to reach out to a professional—perhaps a therapist or counselor—to talk this through. It’s clear this is weighing on you and acting as a significant mental block, which I can certainly empathize with. While I haven't personally experienced anything quite like this, I remember being at an RV park once and briefly witnessing two young siblings, a brother and a sister, mimicking sexual intercourse. I was absolutely stunned by it. I should mention that the children were sleeping in the same tent as their parents, so I suspect they were likely observing their parents' intimate moments during the night.
I know for a fact they were sharing a tent; I worked at that campground during the season.
As a starting point, my perspective is that once children reach puberty, there really shouldn't be any reason for them to be sharing a bed or even a room.
It is entirely possible that your brothers, much like yourself, didn't truly grasp or understand the implications of what they were doing.
If this continues to haunt you, please consider seeking professional guidance.

What absolute nonsense. What exactly did these kids do wrong besides exploring their sexuality in a naive way? Sexuality isn't something broken, bad, or sinful.

Get a grip. Seriously, go consult an actual authority—like a psychiatrist—and let them explain to you how normal this behavior really is.

And sorry, sweetheart, we aren't talking about intersex children here, we’re talking about boys and girls. Even kids of the same gender play like this! It doesn't make them gay, and it certainly won't make them gay later.

Abuse. Just one thing after another.

Aaron Morris56 said:Abuse. Just one thing after another.

Maybe it isn't technically "abuse" if you look at it through the lens of childhood curiosity and exploration, but honestly, I hated it from the very start and desperately wanted to stay away from it. The problem was, they were older, and they just knew how to manipulate me so easily...
If this is supposed to be viewed as nothing more than "childish play," then why did my own son lose his mind when he found his daughter in that exact same situation? It breaks my heart to think about what happened, and I feel such deep shame over all of it; it has left a lasting mark on my sex life... and here is how. During that "play," they used to force me to be completely still—no talking, no crying, no moving at all. And that is exactly how I am now during intimacy... it's like I'm just a spectator, letting my partner do whatever they want with me while I sit there unable to break free or even move my body.

I remember watching an Oprah segment where she discussed how many children who were abused by adults sometimes actually experienced moments of pleasure, which only led to an overwhelming sense of guilt because they felt like they actually enjoyed it...

In my opinion, this should absolutely never be brushed off as mere "exploration." We need to teach kids about sexuality in a way that is healthy, beautiful, and actually appropriate for their age.

Man, this has been eating away at me so much. I honestly thought I was the only one going through this, and I kept telling myself that what I was feeling just wasn't normal... but hearing you all say that it’s actually common makes such a huge weight lift off my shoulders. It’s such a relief to know I don't feel like such a total freak🙂

Rachel Reyes4 said:Man, this has been eating away at me so much. I honestly thought I was the only one going through this, and I kept telling myself that what I was feeling just wasn't normal... but hearing you all say that it’s actually common makes such a huge weight lift off my shoulders. It’s such a relief to know I don't feel like such a total freak🙂

It’s common enough—just kids playing around. But clearly, you're still carrying the weight of it. I don't think it was even about the sexual undertones. If people had treated you that way in any other context—forcing their will on you or barking orders during a game you weren't even enjoying—you would have been traumatized regardless. What happened here was straight-up bullying.

Your nephew completely lost his mind when he confronted his daughter just because he’s unrefined. Now the kid might be left with trauma thanks to his reckless outburst. It's a clear case of poor parenting. 😢

Regarding your last question, try talking it out with your niece. I suspect he won't take it well, but go ahead—treat it like a social experiment.

so....if you ask me, it’s just not right.....
I mean, when kids hit puberty and start exploring things on their own, that’s just part of growing up
kids are curious, they're just figuring life out
but this kind of thing... especially with a family member.....

and yeah, if she felt uncomfortable during that little game then we definitely need to talk about whether that counts as abuse.....

Now it’s just going to look like a bloodbath, though we're still a bit too far off from anything actually being incestuous.

stormystag16 said:so....if you ask me, it’s just not right.....
I mean, when kids hit puberty and start exploring things on their own, that’s just part of growing up
kids are curious, they're just figuring life out
but this kind of thing... especially with a family member.....

and yeah, if she felt uncomfortable during that little game then we definitely need to talk about whether that counts as abuse.....

Honestly guys, maybe do a little more reading before dropping statements like that.
Even toddlers around two years old start self-stimulating—basically exploring their own sexuality—though they don't have any concept of what "sexuality" even means. To them, it’s just play.
That’s actually how it should be; kids need that space to play and learn about themselves.
And look, this doesn't just happen within families. It happens with playmates and friends too, but since American parents tend to hang out most with their extended family, it often looks like it's happening among relatives.

Drew Morgan said:It’s common enough—just kids playing around. But clearly, you're still carrying the weight of it. I don't think it was even about the sexual undertones. If people had treated you that way in any other context—forcing their will on you or barking orders during a game you weren't even enjoying—you would have been traumatized regardless. What happened here was straight-up bullying.

Your nephew completely lost his mind when he confronted his daughter just because he’s unrefined. Now the kid might be left with trauma thanks to his reckless outburst. It's a clear case of poor parenting. 😢

Regarding your last question, try talking it out with your niece. I suspect he won't take it well, but go ahead—treat it like a social experiment.

This is hands down the best explanation/take I've seen so far.

I had this guy, someone just a few years older than me, lock me in a room and force his hands where they didn't belong. I can still vividly remember screaming my head off and begging him to just let me go. If you’re sitting there thinking that doesn't count as abuse, then you're dead wrong. I’m still dealing with the fallout from that even today. I was just a little kid in preschool when he did this to me... and look, I don't care if he tried to frame it as "just kids playing" or whatever excuse people use—I DID NOT consent to it, and for God's sake, I was just a child. I suppressed the whole thing for years, and it didn't even resurface until I was ten. Maybe to him it felt like some harmless childhood game, but it definitely wasn't for me, because it left scars that haven't healed. Honestly, if someone did that to my own kid now, I wouldn't hesitate to do whatever it takes to protect them.

brightpanther21 said:Honestly guys, maybe do a little more reading before dropping statements like that.
Even toddlers around two years old start self-stimulating—basically exploring their own sexuality—though they don't have any concept of what "sexuality" even means. To them, it’s just play.
That’s actually how it should be; kids need that space to play and learn about themselves.
And look, this doesn't just happen within families. It happens with playmates and friends too, but since American parents tend to hang out most with their extended family, it often looks like it's happening among relatives.

There is a massive difference between kids being curious and showing each other body parts, versus someone actually forcing a child into something. Those are two completely different worlds.

Olivia Rivera77 said:I had this guy, someone just a few years older than me, lock me in a room and force his hands where they didn't belong. I can still vividly remember screaming my head off and begging him to just let me go. If you’re sitting there thinking that doesn't count as abuse, then you're dead wrong. I’m still dealing with the fallout from that even today. I was just a little kid in preschool when he did this to me... and look, I don't care if he tried to frame it as "just kids playing" or whatever excuse people use—I DID NOT consent to it, and for God's sake, I was just a child. I suppressed the whole thing for years, and it didn't even resurface until I was ten. Maybe to him it felt like some harmless childhood game, but it definitely wasn't for me, because it left scars that haven't healed. Honestly, if someone did that to my own kid now, I wouldn't hesitate to do whatever it takes to protect them.

How old were you, and how old was he? He might have thought he was just playing doctor.

Aaron Morris56 said:How old were you, and how old was he? He might have thought he was just playing doctor.

Honestly, if she wasn't feeling it, then it doesn't matter how old they were or what kind of games they were playing...

If she was, say, 10, and he was 14—that gap hits differently at that age. He held all the power, which makes it abuse, plain and simple.

Unfortunately, this kind of predatory behavior isn't just an adult issue; we see similar patterns of bullying among kids of the same age too!

Give me a break. If she was in preschool and he was a few years older, that’s massive. It’s like the difference between a 4-year-old and an 8-year-old; the gap is huge.

If there was any element of coercion involved, then we’re talking about abuse. Even if you didn't want it to happen but were manipulated into it—that is still abuse. There is a huge difference between kids naturally discovering their own sexuality and children simulating or engaging in sexual acts; the latter is absolutely not okay or healthy. If you're feeling this sense of guilt or distress, it means a trauma occurred.
After all, when an adult engages in sexual activity with a minor, it's legally classified as rape. This is because, even if the minor technically "consented," the law recognizes they aren't mature enough to provide valid consent at any level. What happened here is essentially the same dynamic, just forced by other minors instead.

In my view, this isn't some harmless childhood phase. When kids act out in the way your relatives did, it can be a red flag for various underlying family issues or perhaps a sign that they themselves have experienced some form of sexual abuse.

Since this clearly continues to weigh heavily on you, please consider seeking professional help and talking to a specialist. Personally, I wouldn't recommend just venting to them without professional guidance, as simply talking it out might not actually resolve the core issue.

It’s important to recognize that children naturally explore their own budding sexuality as a normal part of psychosexual development, but that process doesn't involve sexual acts with other kids or acting out those behaviors.
Engaging in "play" of that nature isn't really play—it's more of a symptom. Honestly, I'd suggest doing a bit more research on this, perhaps by looking into resources from the American Academy of Pediatrics or consulting with child psychologists.

Wrong. If kids are just playing together like that without any coercion, it's perfectly natural, harmless, and normal.
Hasn't "playing doctor" been a common occurrence for ages now?