Posts by northernridge14

Jack Smith5 said:Take this with a huge grain of salt since I’m no psychologist, but just give it some thought.
The best move would be to talk this through with a psychiatrist—a good one—to handle the issue professionally. But if for some reason that isn't an option, try considering this.

The best way to heal fear and emotional wounds is to face them head-on and claim your "victory" over them.

Now, imagine what your greatest victory over that fear would look like, or everything you’d say to him if you were finally free to speak out.

Try writing that text down on paper, and then practice it like you're giving a speech. Try writing several different versions.

Write a first draft, then go back and cross out any words or sentences in the second version that you feel are wrong or unnecessary.

Keep writing as many versions as you need until you eventually shape one very rational, very human response to your abuser.

Something like a letter to Santa, but this time to a real person.

"I want this, and this, and this; I did this, I should have done that, I'm sorry about this, but now I'd like to do that..."

Once you're happy with the speech, try practicing it. Look at yourself in the mirror when no one is around and try talking to yourself as if you're facing that cousin. Record yourself, but don't show the video to anyone—or perhaps show it to the person you trust most, like your husband. That might be ideal, as he could give you feedback on what works and what doesn't. Two heads are better than one.

If you don't feel steady enough to tell your husband what happened, just wait. Let things settle within yourself first. When the timing feels right, then you can speak up.

For now, deal with it internally. Try to figure out what you actually want and process the impact his actions had on you. Write everything down on paper, just like I suggested before.

In a perfect world—once you’re happy with how you want to phrase things and you’re confident he'll actually listen—find a moment when you're alone. Pull him aside where nobody can overhear, and lay it all out. Don't resort to screaming or panicking; stay calm and keep it focused on dialogue. Be vulnerable. Tell him exactly what you need from him, and ask him how he views all of this after all these years.

I’d bet anything he’ll react in one of a few ways: he'll get defensive, pretend he doesn't remember, walk away, or try to brush it off as "just being young and reckless."

Try to dig into his subconscious and find out why he swept this under the rug in the first place. If he were truly a bad person who thought what he did was fine, he’d probably still be doing it today whenever you two are alone. But since he isn't, it means he realized he was wrong and simply lacks the courage to face the issue, so he ignores it as if it never happened.

If you actually get the answers you're looking for, and if he eventually shows genuine remorse and apologizes, you're going to feel infinitely better than you do right now. You won't feel that urge to hold a grudge or wish him ill, which will naturally bring you some peace.

Over time, he might actually earn your trust back. You could move past this entirely, allowing your relationship to return to a healthy state, both consciously and subconsciously.

That would be the ultimate reward—the real way to heal that old wound.

God... I could never bring myself to talk to him about this. If I ever did, it wouldn't be a conversation; it would be an act of vengeance.
He’s ten years older than me. Maybe more. That means when it happened, I was seven and he was seventeen. He knew exactly what he was doing. Even at seven, you know when something isn't right.
I can't move past it. And frankly, I don't want to.

What does he think about it after all these years? Most likely, he’s ashamed. He’s probably praying to God that I never say a word, because he knows the fallout would be catastrophic.

An apology wouldn't fix anything for me.

This is heavy. Listen, I can't forgive him. Even if I said I did, it wouldn't be 100% honest. Some things are just unforgivable. It sounds brutal, but it's the truth. It just hurts.

And let's be real about being alone together. If I recall correctly, I haven't been alone with him since then. I avoided it. I was afraid. And I suspect he avoids it too.

I don't think a therapist could do much for me here. I needed a counselor when I was a child. The damage is already done.
Writing it down in a journal might help, but I wouldn't even dare do that for fear of someone finding it.
I'm twenty-six now. This was a lifetime ago. But I worry that going to a psychologist and diving into the details would just end up traumatizing me all over again.
The images and the words are all stuck in my head. They live there. I never say them out loud.

I'll add my voice to this. From ages seven to nine, I was abused by my father's cousin. He was ten years older than me. I can't pinpoint how it started. Usually, once he passed by, he’d call me over and touch me. Or I would have to touch him. Or lie on top of him and cuddle. 😢 I truly didn't understand what I was doing. On one hand, I actually enjoyed parts of it, which brings me immense shame. On the other hand, I knew it was wrong—something forbidden—and that caused its own layer of shame. This happened during the war... we were refugees. We had moved to an area with many empty houses. I remember him calling me into one and saying, "This is a real marriage bed..." or he would follow me into the woods when I went looking for wildflowers. I thought I was grown up because he was an adult; I assumed that's just how things worked.
I eventually opened up to my nieces... they mocked me for it for a long time. It made me feel even more humiliated.
There was no sex. Never, thank God.
I don't recall how it all ended. Most likely they just moved away to another town...

The consequences remain. I'm ashamed to be naked. I'm ashamed to ask for anything. When it comes to sex, I tense up. Penetration is difficult. I try not to think about it, but my subconscious clearly does. I do enjoy sex with my husband, though. I trust him, and that’s why I can finally relax.
I never told my parents. Not my sister, not my brother... I told my husband, but I didn't tell him who did it.
To this day, when I see that beast. That piece of filth... I'd love nothing more than to kill him. But there is God. His punishment will come in due time.
He visits my parents' house and acts completely normal whenever he runs into me. He behaves as if he's forgotten everything. He has a great girlfriend. He even works at a high-end restaurant in Chicago now... life is going well for him.
Sometimes I wonder if it would be worth destroying his relationship, just as he destroyed mine—even if he isn't even aware of the damage he caused. He thinks I've forgotten.
Nothing about this should be considered "childish." It is a pathology. At least in my case.
And how do you protect your own child tomorrow? I don't know. Maybe I'll hint at certain things, and once she's old enough to grasp them, I'll tell her directly. That seems like the best defense.
I wish someone had told me.