copperfox22 said:I’m not sure if we’ve covered a topic like this before. If we have, mods, feel free to lock this thread.
After reading through some of the discussions here and doing a bit of my own reflecting, I’ve been thinking about those "ghosts from the past" and how much weight they actually carry for us. Obviously, everyone is different—some of us are tougher, some more sensitive, some more confident—but I think there’s a common thread we can pull on. So, here’s my question: how much are your past romantic failures and poor choices subconsciously (or even consciously) holding you back when you try to move forward?
To kick things off, I’ll be honest about myself. I’ve started wondering if I’m just making excuses under the guise of "life getting in the way," essentially sabotaging my chances at finding a real connection. It’s not that I’m shy or confused about what I want, and I don't really deal with massive complexes (at least nothing that feels like a major issue)... I tend to march to the beat of my own drum and don't always follow social norms, though I wouldn't say I'm a rebel, since I generally fit in just fine with society.
To cut to the chase, as much as I try to convince myself otherwise, I think I still carry some baggage from my past that’s starting to cause friction. Instead of throwing myself into meeting new people or experiencing new things with an open heart right from the jump, I find myself internally telling myself, "Don't bother, it’ll just be another bust... stay guarded, keep your distance."
I can't tell if my brain is doing this because it genuinely believes I have a knack for picking the wrong people, or if it’s just a defense mechanism—a fear that if I actually dare to trust someone, I’ll just end up disappointed all over again.
Sometimes I catch myself wondering if there's a reason I'm perpetually drawn to the wrong crowd. Why does that happen? Because, honestly, the "perfectly stable" types usually don't interest me at all 😕... they're always these eccentric characters, slightly off in one way or another. Now, combined with everything else, it’s creating a total mental block. It’s like the moment I find someone attractive, there's always some glaring, dangerous flaw 😬
Anyway, bottom line: how much are your failed relationships and past mistakes actually messing with your head? 😁
But see, here’s where the real trouble starts for me... I’ve had a few different relationships in my life, and it felt like every single one of them just left me more bruised than the last. Eventually, I decided to just be on my own for a while, moved from my hometown over to Chicago, and I actually started to feel like myself again—like I was finally blooming. Then, I met this girl, and man, I felt that spark instantly; after being solo for a few years, I was genuinely ready to dive back into something serious. We dated, and let me tell you, it was an absolute nightmare. This relationship was incredibly traumatic because she would break up with me multiple times a week over the most trivial, nonsensical reasons or tiny little arguments, and then I’d find myself practically begging her to stay, trying to patch things up just to keep us afloat for a few more months. When it finally did fall apart for good, things were okay for about a month, but then something inside my head just... snapped. I suddenly realized that this simply wasn't it; I couldn't be with someone with that kind of temperament, and just like that, all those feelings of being in love just evaporated.
And now, because I have this tendency to be a total people pleaser, I hit this incredibly paradoxical wall—I needed to be the one to betray, reject, and walk away from someone who was insistently telling me they loved me. It was supposed to be my first time ever being the one to initiate a breakup, and I just couldn't bring myself to do it... there was so much fear, so much misplaced pity... and in the end, I just suppressed everything, trying to ignore the red flags and burying them deep inside myself. I tried talking to her a couple of times, but it was useless, and because of her volatile nature, it always spiraled into these massive, exhausting fights—and on top of that, I didn't have the strength or the guts to admit what the real issue was, so we just ended up circling the drain indefinitely. Paradoxically, it actually felt easier when she was being horrible to me for no reason, because I felt like that's what I deserved; I’d actually feel a sense of relief when she was being mean, yet I felt terrible whenever she was being sweet to me... Finally, after one particularly bad blowout, I just broke, and I ended things in a really blunt, almost rude way via a text and a phone call. After that, I actually saw her a few times to try and explain myself, but it went nowhere. To make matters even worse, once the breakup happened, she tried everything to reel me back in, and it turned into straight-up harassment—hundreds of calls, her friends calling me to say she was getting shots at the hospital and feeling miserable and that I was being heartless for not answering, showing up at my apartment building, waiting outside my place, even faking a pregnancy...
Once the dust finally settled, I gave myself some breathing room, and eventually, I tried going out with a few different women, but it just wouldn't work. Even though there weren't any actual problems with them, those old feelings of anxiety, that sense of suffocation and helplessness, would come rushing back almost immediately. And I'd just have to end it 😢 After those attempts, a year has passed since that mess, and about two years since the relationship itself. So, where am I now? How do I learn to relax and truly give someone else a fair shot? What really eats at me is whether I even HAVE the right—being this psychologically wrecked, this emotional wreck—to enter a relationship with a perfectly normal girl and dump all this heavy baggage onto her shoulders through no fault of her own? I have a thousand questions, and just being alone isn't the solution; it's just an escape... The one bright spot is that I'm tired of running, and I truly want to take action and fix this part of my life that feels so fundamentally broken 😢