Samuel Hill5 said:There’s a massive difference between people who struggle and actual martyrs. Some handle their stuff with dignity—while others just try to force the whole world to feel their pain. Honestly? I used to be one of those people, but I finally realized it was just a flaw in my character, so now I’m working my ass off to change it... If you're constantly whining, you just burn out everyone around you. You end up hurting the people who love you even when you're at your worst, and you give everyone else a perfectly good reason to think you're an idiot.
If this keeps up, you might want to consider sitting down with a therapist. It could be anything from an anxiety disorder to clinical depression... Regardless of what it actually is, don't let it weigh you down too much; these are things you can definitely work through. Have you thought about trying to shake things up a bit, maybe by heading out somewhere with some friends or something similar? What exactly is weighing on your mind?
I honestly feel like you're blowing this way out of proportion. What exactly do you have to apologize for? You were going through that incredibly volatile and difficult stage of life called puberty, all while dealing with being bullied. Back then, your personality wasn't even fully formed yet; you didn't have the tools to handle it any better than most people would have. You didn't do anything unforgivable. You can always mend fences with friends later, but right now, it would be much more productive to focus on building yourself up and tackling those underlying issues. It’s completely understandable that you were angry at someone who was tearing you down—don't beat yourself up over it. The important thing is finding a way to let that anger go. Trust me, in a few years, this whole situation is going to feel like a tiny speck in your rearview mirror.
Just so you know, if I had a choice, I’d trade places with you in a heartbeat. Given what you've been through, just imagine if the person insulting you was actually a parent or someone close to you. If you take a look at some of the stories shared on this forum, you'll see that plenty of people have faced much darker struggles. Honestly, you should count yourself lucky that you actually had a decent childhood compared to so many others out there. Try reaching out to someone you trust to talk about what's eating at you; getting it off your chest is the first step toward healing. Opening up here and sharing your story was definitely a good move too.
Why even bother blaming yourself just so you can forgive yourself later? I think there are times when we feel genuine resentment, but more often than not, it isn't actually about how other people treated us.
Sometimes, people take the weight of what others have done to them and carry it as personal guilt, at least until they finally process those experiences and emotions. Take a child who was mistreated or belittled by their parents, for example; subconsciously, that child grows up believing they are the problem, rather than recognizing the fault lies with the parents. This is especially common during childhood, right up until the moment they gain enough perspective to realize who was actually in the wrong. That said, everyone processes life differently, and obviously, the context of the situation matters immensely...
Forgiveness is incredibly difficult—at least, that’s been my experience. There is absolutely no logic in holding onto resentment or letting anger consume you, yet we do it anyway, ultimately only hurting ourselves. We cling to our fury because we feel entitled to it; we tell ourselves that if we let go of this rage, we’ll lose our sense of identity. It becomes part of who we are. We view this anger as a form of justice, as if letting go would somehow mean we're condoning what happened to us. But that's just an illusion. In reality, we're just self-destructing under the weight of our own perceived "right" to be angry. Of course, you have every right to feel angry, and you need to allow yourself that space to process it initially. But if you don't eventually let it go, that anger curdles into hatred and starts to eat you alive from the inside. If we find ourselves unable to forgive someone who caused us harm, perhaps the better path is to accept what happened, forgive ourselves for not being able to handle the situation any differently, and finally leave the past where it belongs. It is a heavy, complicated process.
Look, you have to understand that I don't want to view this through your lens—I just don't. I hear what you're saying, but your perspective feels extreme to me. Honestly, it seems like you're holding onto such a radical stance because of things you've dealt with in your own past, which makes it hard for you to be objective. If someone treated you poorly before, I am truly sorry for that, but I wasn't that person, and you don't need to take it out on me. If you're trying to act all tough and empowered, then go tell the person who actually hurt you how you feel; don't just lash out at Jason Booth25, someone you’ve never met and never will. I’m really not the type of person who enjoys arguing, but if you keep insulting me like this, realize that I’m going to give it right back to you every single time. It’ll just become this endless cycle, and what’s the point in that? Don't push my buttons or try to provoke me into being rude. Let's just act like adults here. You have your opinion, I have mine, we disagree, and that's that. There's no need for this unnecessary fighting.
Here we go again with you claiming I don't understand what you wrote. Honestly, I’m starting to wonder if there's a cognitive gap here. Look, I fully grasp your point and exactly what you're trying to say; I just don't choose to view the world through your particular lens. All these little insults you throw out are frankly laughable—it's pretty obvious you have some serious issues with people in your personal life. And I really don't get why you've singled me out. Can't you see that Rebecca Scott3 and Dawn999 actually share my perspective on this? People simply hold different views, so maybe try to accept that. It seems to me that you're a deeply dissatisfied person if this is how you carry yourself. I had absolutely no intention of getting into a fight with you, yet you persist in attacking me. I've made every effort to explain my position, but it appears your logical reasoning is lacking while your frustration levels are through the roof. You might want to reflect on your personality and the way you interact with others, because your tone is making you very difficult to engage with. You seem consumed by anger; honestly, go hit the gym or take up a sport to blow off some steam, otherwise, people are just going to start avoiding you.
nimbleviper142 said:Nah, I don't think you missed the point just because our opinions clash. Read it again, man. You're still missing what I'm saying.
In the whole abuser-victim dynamic, they're both equally to blame. The abuser for doing it, and the victim for allowing it (and yeah, I'm talking about systematic abuse since that's the topic here). No one is more or less guilty. You talk about looking at all sides, but you're being totally one-sided. I wasn't attacking her or judging her, but realistically, she's responsible for letting it happen; she could have walked away and lived a happy life. I'm telling you, it doesn't take a lifetime of trauma to realize something is wrong—one slap is enough of a wake-up call for any sane person.
What part isn't clicking?
I understand my own position perfectly clearly, but it seems like you’re having a hard time grasping it. I make a point to read with actual comprehension, yet you seem to struggle whenever you encounter someone who doesn't share your exact perspective. You can try to force your viewpoint on me all you want, but acting superior won't make it any more valid. If you genuinely take it personally when a stranger on an American forum disagrees with you—to the point where you feel the need to lecture me about "reading for understanding"—then I honestly don't know what to tell you. Perhaps you should take a moment to reflect on why this specific topic is triggering such a defensive reaction in you and what exactly is bothering you so much. Good luck with that reflection. I’d prefer to end this conversation here; there is really no point in continuing a discussion that has become this unproductive.
You think I missed the point just because we don't see eye to eye on this, but let's be clear: saying "what kind of woman allows herself to be abused by her husband" is pure condemnation. It bothers me that the focus isn't placed squarely on the person who is overwhelmingly more at fault—the abuser. Of course, as an adult responsible for her own life, she carries her own share of accountability, but let's have some humanity here and try to look at the situation from multiple angles before jumping to conclusions. Most people in these situations have dealt with abuse from parents in the past, which often leads them to feel, unfortunately, that they deserve this treatment due to a deep-seated lack of self-esteem. This is a complex issue, and every case needs to be treated as unique. That’s why I find it pointless to immediately lash out at the victim—especially a woman who actually found the strength to fight for herself and get a divorce, which is incredibly difficult. We should at least give her credit for what she accomplished.
As for you refusing to buy into the narrative of an emotionally shattered woman, and choosing not to show empathy toward women in those positions for whatever your reasons may be—that is your right. You and I simply hold different perspectives on these matters; we view things through different lenses. I can understand where you're coming from, but I don't agree with you, and that is my right as well.
If someone were mistreating your sister, would you step in immediately to help her, or would you just tell yourself, "I'm not getting involved until she asks for help"? To me, it seems like the decent, human thing to do is to offer support right away and try everything in your power to pull someone out of a bad situation. I can't say for sure what their reasoning was for failing to step up, but regardless of the excuse, they really should have been there for her. Family is supposed to be the safety net that shows up when one of its own is at their absolute lowest.
I'm on the same page as >. If you extend a hand and offer support to a victim, but they persistently push it away, then you really have to let them live their life on their own terms—sometimes people just struggle to accept help when they're in that headspace. That said, we should always make the offer and try to show some empathy. Most victims eventually reach out because they want a better life, but they often can't pull themselves out of the wreckage alone once their spirit has been broken.
Let me circle back to the main topic here. I’m honestly so relieved that this individual found the strength to finally walk away from their abuser. For someone in that position, making that break is arguably the biggest victory of their entire life. As for everyone else who just stood by, watched the chaos unfold, and did absolutely nothing—I have to say, I struggle to wrap my head around that kind of passivity. Unless, of course, they were also paralyzed by fear or had become victims themselves under that same person's thumb (which, frankly, seems likely), leaving them unable to stand up to the aggressor. It’s an incredibly heavy and messy subject. But let me be clear: we should never, ever point the finger at the victim. The blame lies solely with the abuser. The question of responsibility for the victim lies in the fact that they exposed their children to such toxic environments and such a disturbed individual. Kids are small and have zero agency in these situations; she was an adult, so one could argue she had a choice in the matter. However, we have to realize that people like this are often deeply manipulated, lacking any sense of self or ego, and possessing a completely warped perception of reality. It would be a genuine blessing if they ever actually realized what was happening to them.
To Ronald Garcia5: Sure, she’s ultimately responsible for her own life, but that doesn't mean she deserves to be judged—she needs support, plain and simple. And honestly, Brandon Lopez6 hit the nail on the head; if you want to play the armchair critic, go find somewhere else to do it. You’re really going to sit here and judge a woman who’s been abused, insecure, and emotionally shattered? Take a second to think about who actually deserves the blame: the victim or the abuser?
I don't usually get into arguments on these forums, but I just couldn't let this slide. It’s pretty obvious you’re projecting your own issues by trying to kick people you perceive as "weaker" than yourself. You did the exact same thing over on that psychology board when you started that thread asking "trebati li spašavati ili odfakati emocionalno nestabilan". Opening a discussion like that on a forum filled with people dealing with their own mental health struggles is incredibly tone-deaf. You might want to take a look in the mirror and deal with your own baggage first. My apologies to the moderators if I’ve veered off topic; it won't happen again.