Posts by northernbadger12

So, I was just sitting here wondering... how does it actually happen? How do all those torturers, killers, rapists, and maniacs even come to be? Hmmm...
Personally, I feel like people who kill animals just for fun should probably be locked up right away, because they’re clearly dangerous to humans too.
I’d say genetics plays a little part in it, sure, but honestly, I think the environment someone grows up in is way more influential and decisive... I mean, I guess I'm just drawing that conclusion from some things I've seen in life.

edit: When I say environment, I mostly mean family and that immediate inner circle.

Paul Campbell3 said:Regarding the opening topic—strictly from a psychological standpoint rather than a literary one—here’s a quick little breakdown.

Emotions are pretty much the only compass we've got to navigate through this life.
Our brains—look, let's be real—just aren't wired to see the big picture. We're trapped by space and time, stuck in this tiny little bubble. We can't predict what's coming next because we’re constantly reacting solely from the here and now.
For our minds. The future isn't some magical thing that just happens. It’s nothing more than the sum of everything we’ve already been through and what we’re doing right now. Period.

That’s exactly why we fall back on our "gut feelings" and how we think we feel.
The "heart" sees the big picture perfectly. It connects all the dots. But it doesn't have a sense of space or time, you know? So we end up stuck in this loop where a massive change keeps eating us alive, yet we don't actually wrap our heads around it until fifteen years later.

Depending on what kind of emotions you're dealing with, they’re going to drive you toward a specific type of action—or, more likely, total paralysis. Most of us just merge with our feelings. We let them become who we are, and that gives us this false sense of... well, everything. "If only we were actually alive.".

We’ve all been there—that moment when you feel like you’ve finally had enough, but you’re still too terrified to actually pull the trigger. You're scared that if you make a move, things will just go from bad to worse. Honestly? That’s just a sign you aren't ready yet. It means you haven't hit that level of maturity where you can handle the actual cost of making a change. If the price tag on transformation feels too high, you're just stalling. 🙂

Alright, let’s talk about this whole "obsessing over an idol" thing when there's zero basis in reality. I’m assuming we’re talking about that specific brand of madness where someone fixes their sights on a person who is—for whatever reason—completely out of reach. You know the drill: they're already taken, they live halfway across the country, or they wouldn't give you the time of day if you were on fire. It’s a total caricature of a crush. Honestly, it’s just a phase most of us stumble through in high school, or at least something we all deal with at least once in our lives.

Look, there are definitely people out there who—just like the OP said—keep doing this over and over again.
In other words, They're just repeating the same old pattern. Over and over again..
Fine by me if they don't see it as a problem—they can keep living like that forever for all I care.

Wait, what about the people who suddenly snap and realize that this kind of life is just completely pointless? 🤷

We’ve all heard those cheesy old sayings, haven't we? Like, "out of sight, out of mind." Or that one about how love is only beautiful while you're still waiting for it. Total clichés.

Most of what we call "problems" just evaporate the second you actually start working on a solution..

Look, when we’re stuck in those moments where we just can't focus on actually solving anything—and yeah, I’m exaggerating here, like when you're too busy checking if there's some single person standing two feet away from you—and we decide to just fall head over heels for something that's completely out of reach... well, that kind of behavior has a name. "Hidden profit." That’s all anyone ever talks about, right? Like there’s some secret stash of cash just waiting to be uncovered if you only look hard enough. Give me a break..

And then we usually say: I know it sounds totally insane, but I am just sooooo obsessed with them!

When someone tries to hand you a solution in a situation like this—especially one that totally clashes with how you’re feeling—what do we usually say?You just don't get it. You've never even laid eyes on what "real love" actually looks like!

And until that "hidden gain" gets satisfied some other way, we’re just going to keep pointing out the pattern—the one where they keep picking "unrequited love" over and over again.

If there weren't any boundaries, we wouldn't bother learning a damn thing.
Either other people draw our limits for us, or we go out and build them ourselves—clinging to everyone else's blueprints or just repeating the same old lessons we've been fed since the day we were born.

Boundaries are nothing but illusions. That’s why relationships are never set in stone—they have a beginning, they have an end. We use these lines to define where one person stops and the other begins. It's how we spot the differences. Once you see those gaps, you finally see who you actually are. That’s the whole point of getting involved with someone.
Let’s learn how to actually be alone with ourselves. 🙂.
Honestly, you get much better results when you go through an intermediary.

It’s the same old story. People who keep falling into the exact same patterns? They aren't fixing anything—they're just buying themselves more time.
It’s that classic "stuck in a moment" syndrome.
I honestly can't deal with these "symptoms" anymore.
Sometimes they just throw in the towel because it all gets too heavy for them. And honestly? That’s usually exactly when they finally get a shot at actually changing.

On top of that, being in love with the idea of love—or getting obsessed with some impossible fantasy about an unavailable partner—comes with a nasty little side effect: Control.

We’re constantly checking ourselves, obsessing over exactly how close we are to hitting that target.
Take distance, for instance—it keeps us apart. Or maybe it's family obligations preventing us from taking things seriously, or a demanding career at a firm like Goldman Sachs blocking any real intimacy. Or even just our own looks, like
. We can find a hundred different excuses for why a relationship has no future, even when we're head over heels. We convince ourselves we have everything under control 🙂
.
But if we actually took a leap—filed for divorce, moved across the country, switched careers, or finally hit up a plastic surgeon—we’d be stepping straight into the unknown.
And you can't control the unknown.
(Maybe we get ghosted, or find out he actually values his wife and kids more than us and isn't ready to blow up his marriage, or some surgeon tells us there's nothing to work with, or a new job turns out to be a total disaster for our partner and we're just left guessing).

While we sit there waiting, that possibility stays safely tucked away in our heads, so we do absolutely nothing out of pure fear.
And that fear? It's rooted in insecurity.
Like the fear that we aren't good enough, attractive enough, smart enough, or fit enough for a real family.

That’s how these massive romantic epics are born. These grand, sweeping love stories.
And we walk away thinking only unrequited love matters—because let's face it, who ever wrote a masterpiece about a happy, stable couple?

So we crave that "impossible love" because we've been brainwashed to believe it's the only kind that counts.
We pass up the "small," functional loves because nobody writes books or makes movies about them.

Unrequited stuff has this huge emotional charge. And we constantly mistake that intensity for "true love." Mostly because that's what we were taught, and because we mistakenly think our emotions *are* our identity.

We feel like we have to "die to love." Or at least suffer. Like Romeo and Juliet. Or young Werther. That's the hallmark of "real love" in our minds. So that's the only thing we hunt for. Because it's the only script we know.

But imagine if someone told us: love is actually cheerful. Joyful. It doesn't hurt at all. It feels more like a good slice of apple pie. And it isn't tied to just one person.

Anyway, that's my "psychological" take on it. Now you guys go ahead and get literary about which kinds of love are worth a damn, or worthy of a book or a Hollywood screenplay. 😉

I really like this explanation. It makes so much sense, and I actually just went through this myself. It’s like—are all true loves supposed to be sad? Because if they're happy, does that mean they don't count?!?! 🤷🤷

Okay, here comes my little fixation story.

I was fifteen, and it was summer. When he showed up, it honestly just blew my mind—like, literally. I fell in love at first sight, and I don't think it’s ever happened to me since. Not once.

The whole thing is such a cliché, really. He was holding me as the sun was setting over the beach. I was wearing one of his T-shirts because I was freezing, and the sleeves were just a tiny bit too long for me. He reached his hand inside that long sleeve, grabbed my shaky little hand, and kissed me. It was my very first kiss. I actually pulled away immediately because I totally panicked—I just wasn't used to feeling anything that intense, you know? And he was older, definitely more experienced (at least that's how it felt to me back then). I think he cared about me too, but maybe I was acting too much like a kid, and since he wasn't really looking for something serious, he ended up kissing someone else right in front of me on other nights. That’s when the heartache started. I felt so insulted and hurt.

I just couldn't handle being anyone's second choice, and he eventually realized he'd hurt me. To this day, he’s still like a god to me, but he made that one human mistake that I just couldn't get past (I can still see the image of him kissing that girl in my head), and it just froze me up.

Years go by, and he’s still my first and my last—even though we only see each other maybe twice a year in big group settings, there's always this weird, unresolved tension between us. I've had other relationships and fallen for other people, but he remains this perfect ideal that I love endlessly. Honestly, nobody else even comes close.

Then, about seven or eight years later, I hit a really low point. I was dealing with a major depression after a three-year relationship ended, and I decided I had to settle this once and for all. I mean, there's no sense in living with a fixation like that, right? So, I reached out to him. This was back when everyone was obsessed with email, so we started writing to each other. I finally admitted to him how crushed I was on him back then (though telling him I'd loved him for eight years straight might have been a bit much, don't you think? haha).
We set up a time to meet.

And finally, the day arrives. We hadn't seen each other for at least two years. I ended up having three Fernet cocktails and two Bud Lights. Then I see him, and he sees me. We hug for a long time, laughing and just looking at each other. Anyway, to make a long story short—after two hangouts that were actually super fun and great—I realized he’s just a totally normal guy. Nothing special or different from anyone else. He's still a wonderful person, obviously, but I realized my brain had just manufactured this entire persona. I had built this little fantasy world I could retreat to whenever someone let me down in real life. He was my Mr. X—something to hold onto when I felt like the ground was slipping out from under me.

I’m so glad I did it. I’m happy I finally admitted to myself that I had created this obsession. I feel liberated, like I've dropped this heavy weight and can finally move on. Everything feels so much easier now, and I’m way more open to meeting new people. 🙏

I guess we could sit here and debate definitions of love or human relationships all day, but personally, I think the definition changes as much as the people do. Because, well—everyone is different, I suppose. 😍

I really wanted to lay out the whole story right here, but I’m just swamped right now, and honestly, I don't want my coworkers snooping around at my little obsession. 😁
I'm loving it, though—the theme is really starting to come together!

And you know, speaking of "to have or to be," I think the only kind of love that actually works is this specific idea... it's about living the love and feeling it deeply, without that desperate need to own someone or possess them. 😍

I'll try to write out my specific scenario and how it all played out over the weekend
Catch ya later! 👍

wearyhawk83 said:Look, I only posted that just for the sake of it. 🙂

Man, I am totally lost here 😍

And why is treating love like some fixed idea such a bad thing? Because it isn't actually love! It’s just an idea *about* love. Honestly, it’s almost like art 🤷

wearyhawk83 said:Look, you asked if you should pour all your energy into this or if you should let someone actually get close to you. Fine. Sex is totally irrelevant if it's *just* about sex. I already answered your questions regarding intimacy and what I'd personally do. I was just answering what you asked.

As for why you can't wrap your head around him? That's a whole different story. To me, it's not even confusing. It's like people chasing ghosts—something almost everyone goes through when they're young. It feels like it's bordering on pathological, but hey, let the "experts" or whoever else judge. There are plenty of them around here. Just move this topic over to the Lounge. 👍

P.S. Why are you even so into this guy? 😛 😁

Wait, what's so obvious about that? I mean, I guess I might be missing something here! Maybe I just didn't see it at first glance, haha. 😛

I’m definitely skipping the family reunion this year. I just can't deal with it! It always turns into that same old loop where everyone starts obsessing over whether we actually broke up or if we should just play hard to get so they can chase after you again. It’s just too much drama for me, I guess.

Since I totally had my own little fictional crush back when I was younger, I was really curious to hear what you guys think about that! Maybe it's just me, but I'd love to know your take on it.

So, I’m just kind of trying to wrap my head around all of this... I guess? I mean, I keep holding onto this little glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, figuring it out will finally bring me some peace of mind. 😍

wearyhawk83 said:Sure, he can say he loves her, but loving someone without actually showing it in a way they can feel is just a vague feeling, not actual love.

They were super close friends before she left, but that’s where the connection ends. They still talk, but it's no different than any other acquaintance. He's waiting for the day she comes back, but she hasn't promised him anything.

So, what, he shouldn't let anyone else get close because of this??? Just put all his energy into waiting?

If he truly believed there was a future with her, then yeah, he'd wait and keep everyone else at arm's length. Of course, that kind of belief would require a massive amount of confidence—believing things will work out even though she hasn't promised a single thing.

But if he was actually as head-over-heels and "objectively" obsessed as he seems, he would have just packed his bags and headed straight for Japan regardless of the consequences, because I honestly feel like nothing is more intense than that spark between two people.

Still, it feels more like he's just blinded by infatuation, especially since she's keeping her distance, even if she isn't doing it on purpose. It's pretty silly to judge based on such tiny details. Honestly, I feel like an idiot now. 😬👏

Hey there, silly! 😁

But honestly, he isn't really blocking people out emotionally... he just seems focused on sex, you know? Like, he just wants to satisfy that physical need, though maybe he's saving all that for his sweetheart who's currently over in Japan right now. 😛

And from what he's telling me, it sounds like she isn't giving him any feedback at all. I mean, if I were in her shoes and actually wanted to be with him, I'd probably still be with him, even from a distance... we aren't kids, after all. Knowing that I'd eventually come back home to him would definitely help things along. It's like—he's waiting for me. I don't know, I'm just trying to wrap my head around it. 🤷

Well, you two certainly found my thread just to pick a fight over
The whole thing is honestly just some fictional romance I cooked up.

So, here’s the setup—he’s totally in love with her, but she’s away studying in Japan. Before she left, they were super close friends, but that’s really where the story ends. They still talk, sure, but it’s no different than how you’d chat with any other acquaintance. He’s just sitting there waiting for the day she comes home, but she hasn't promised him a single thing.

And you're telling me I shouldn't let anyone else get close because of this??? Like, should I just pour all my energy into that one thought? Maybe?

Then she finally comes back, and she’s got this sweet Japanese guy with her—she tells him he’s the love of her life.

Anyway, I guess I started getting a little carried away with the storytelling, but whatever... it’s a wild topic, so I guess the drama follows. 😁

I’m totally on board with what cosmictinker21 said 🤷 I mean, looking back at that friend mentioned at the start of the thread, I get the feeling he doesn't really let anyone get close to him emotionally. It’s like, every time I see him out on a date with someone, he just retreats into his own shell right after and starts obsessing over his old flame... it honestly feels like a defense mechanism to me, though I guess it's hard to say for sure

Maybe he really does love her, but if she isn't interested in being with him, I don't think it's a good idea to keep feeding into a one-sided relationship. It probably can't be healthy for his mental state, I guess 🙄

Man, I’ve been wondering about this too... why can't they just be together? I mean, they clearly love each other... or maybe they just love each other in some totally different way??? Please, please tell me! 😁

Have you guys ever heard of someone being totally head over heels for someone they can't actually be with? Like, we're talking years of this. It’s almost like this unrequited crush turns into this whole fictional world they live in, where they kind of... I don't know, seem to actually enjoy the heartache? It’s honestly pretty hard to put into words.

I was just describing a person I know, and honestly, from where I'm sitting, it doesn't even matter if my friend's imaginary love is actually real or not. I just get this feeling that they've trapped themselves in this endless loop... just stuck in a permanent state of waiting for something that's never going to happen.

Sometimes I wonder if they basically invented this romance just to use it as some kind of psychological shield.

I mean, I went through something similar when I was 15, but now that I'm 30, seeing someone act like this feels a little bit weird to me.
Has anyone else dealt with this? Or maybe you've been in those shoes yourselves?