4 posts shown.
It has been one month since I arrived here. I have decided to stop fighting this battle and raise my white flag. I am surrendering.
I am packing my bags this week to visit friends in Denmark. I plan to return to the States in mid-January to attempt to reclaim my job.
Looking back at the last 25 days, I have lived through a literal hell. It is devastating to look at a man you know possesses such deep capacity for love and joy—someone who used to swear by you—only to see him reject any possibility of reconciliation. Instead of the man I knew, I see someone without a shred of will, someone who is fundamentally broken. He offers nothing but a vacant stare and hollow answers to every question.
I have stopped spiraling into daily depressions and endless crying. Instead, I spend my days sleeping in the guest room, trying my best not to disturb his peace or interfere with his work routine.
We spoke briefly last night. It is clear he is suffering. He keeps telling me, "I need space. I am unhappy with myself, so I cannot be happy with anyone else. I need to fix my head, and I can only do that alone. In this state, I am useless beyond just performing the job I need to survive." When I remind him that I moved here at his request, leaving my career behind based on his promises, he simply says, "That was then. I miss those times, but now I have to save myself before I can help anyone else."
Being on the receiving end is difficult. I love him just as much as I did before this happened, and I am convinced the man I love is trapped inside this dark vortex he has fallen into.
If there were a logical reason, it would be easier. If I actually knew why, I could handle the loss. We aren't children; neither of us is.
So, I have made my decision. Without telling him or asking for his help, I will pack quietly while he is at work this week and leave. I will grant him the silence he is begging for. For my part, I have remained calm, even when he said things to me a few days ago that were truly shocking. I haven't pushed him, and I haven't disrupted our household. My tolerance limits are high, but they are not infinite.
I feel worthless. Sad. Disgusting. Empty. I have lost my sense of self-worth, both physically and mentally. All I can do now is pray to God that I can stay on my feet and endure this.
I don't have the strength to contemplate what happens next. A part of me still hopes he will wake up and come looking for me, because in all our time together, he has never shown this dark side of himself.
This is not how I envisioned things, but life happens.
I try to believe that "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger," but it is getting harder to believe that every day.
My regards to everyone who has been here for me. I value every comment you have shared; in this state, they mean everything.
Thanks for the feedback. I accept whatever answers you have to give, but this isn't manipulation. I know him. I know his soul. I was prepared for anything except this.
He isn’t aggressive. He isn't some macho type or a player. I've been here for over twenty days, and I still have full access to his phone and email. He barely even uses the computer. But this "but" is destroying me. I cannot wrap my head around how someone can love you—how I could have been the most loved person on Earth—and then suddenly just stop. No reason. We've spent the last few days talking. Not fighting, just talking. He tells me honestly that he thinks he's happiest when he's alone. He says he's haunted by what happened to him, by the fact that he can't feel the way he expected to feel, and that everything just bothers him now. He says he feels most at peace when he's asleep. He hopes he'll wake up from this, but I'm losing hope. I see the pattern. I know exactly what I'm risking by staying. I would do anything, even force things, just to fix us one step at a time. When I tell him that, he says he can't. He says it would be an act. He won't hold my hand or kiss me, let alone go to bed with me. He refuses to fake it because he respects me too much as a person. He thinks if we went to bed, it would just be physical release, and he won't do that to me because he knows how much I meant to him. He remembers how powerful it felt when we were good. Then he adds: "And know this, it has nothing to do with you."
It gets worse every single day. I'm still clinging to this tiny shred of hope that he'll snap out of it and become the man he used to be.
We haven't even had enough time together to get tired of one another. In these twenty-some days, only the first three or four were okay. After that, I spent the rest of the time waiting for him to wake up while he spent every day pushing me further away.
I am sad. I am desperate. And I still have no idea what to do. I love him, yet he tells me he feels nothing. On the other hand, I feel worthless and humiliated, and I know I don't deserve this.
Lately, he just withdraws. He sits in front of the TV or sleeps. Every attempt I make to talk about this ends with: "Don't pressure me. I need peace. Just let it go; maybe I'll feel like myself again." I can't relax. I can't shake this tension. I've actually started feeling uncomfortable in this house. Like I'm unwanted. Like I'm a nuisance.
😢((Horrible... just absolute horror.🤷
Dear Linda Bishop4, thank you for your patience and for taking the time to read through my dilemma...
Returning to work isn't an option; everything was settled months before I even arrived.
I was granted a three-month visa, expiring February 2nd, which we intended to extend for another three months. During that window, I was supposed to learn enough language to pass the exam at the Dutch Consulate so we could submit our application for permanent residency...
I feel hopeless. It's as if my true self is asleep, and I can't figure out how to wake her up. Deep down, I feel his love, and I can tell he’s struggling through this too. I have no idea how to act or what to think. All I know right now is that the ground is slipping away from beneath me.😢(
4:06 AM. I've been Googling for five or six hours, searching for any shred of a lead that might pull me out of this current situation...
First, hello to everyone. I am new here. My apologies for starting a new thread; I tried responding to an existing one, but for various reasons, I couldn't get past the gatekeeper and kept getting looped back to the start...
However, reading the comments regarding depression—specifically the possibility of recovery—gave me a glimmer of hope...
To be clear, this isn't about me. It is about a man I love with everything I am...
We have been together for eight months, a relationship that held immense promise. We had to maintain a long-distance dynamic by circumstance, though we were physically together whenever possible... we spent every day building a life together, planning our future, knowing we were inseparable. He proposed during a vacation we shared... he truly is the man of my dreams. His understanding, his tenderness, his patience, and the way he fights for us... all those days counted, the waiting, the trust we built...
Since we decided to commit to a life together, and because he lives and works in a much more stable country, we agreed that I would leave my precarious job and move to him... we planned to take things step by step, from language lessons to finding work, navigating the bureaucracy required to stay together...
We counted down the days... and exactly three weeks ago, I arrived...!!
He was my person. That incomparable feeling of being held by someone you know loves you unconditionally...
In his house, I found so many little traces of our life that he had carefully kept on display... we couldn't have been happier... but...
That happiness lasted maybe two or three days...
I caught a bad case of tonsillitis during the first week, so the house was a chaotic mess with his relatives coming over to meet me. Meanwhile, I started noticing a shift in him...
Since I know him intimately and we are best friends above all else, I asked him what was happening. He told me he just wasn't feeling well—that he felt confused. Hoping it was temporary, I let it go...
My illness passed, but the atmosphere in the house only worsens...
We talk, but he has started avoiding me. When I try to kiss him, he turns his head away. A few days ago, he pushed me away so forcefully that I am now actually afraid to approach him... afraid of how he will react...
During our conversations, he has said things that left me speechless. Statements like, "I love you, I feel you in my soul... but it feels like someone ripped you out of me. I don't have that intense connection I had all this time. Physically, I am attracted to you—very attracted—but I don't want to make love to you without that spark, because then it would just feel like casual sex, and that's not what I want with you. It's like I'm split in two; one part wants you desperately, the other pulls me away from you..." Looking at his pale, indifferent gaze, I cannot recognize the man who has become my entire world...
It isn't anyone else. I've checked his phone. He comes straight home from work, doesn't spend time on the computer, and leaves his phone on the table. There are zero signs of another woman, and I trust him. I know him, just not like this...
He withdraws into himself. He is always tired. When I reach for his hand, he pulls it away...
I have tried everything. First, I tried sleeping in the other room, but he came to me and begged me to come back to our bed. In fact, every night when he goes to sleep, I feel the urge to join him. When we lie down together, he pulls me close, puts my head on his shoulder, and holds my hand... he falls asleep, while I lie there struggling.
He heads to work in the morning and, breaking all his usual habits, stops texting me entirely. When I asked him why, he claimed he spends his whole shift thinking about me, but that he’s just desperately trying to force himself to feel that spark again—the one he feels he's lost.
I tried packing my bags, though deep down I know I don't want to. I love him. He came to me, begging me to unpack, insisting he can't let me go.
Through tears, he tried to explain this void he's feeling, how much he misses the intense connection we once had. He broke down like a child, admitting he's terrified that the feeling might never return.
He’s haunted by this internal split: one part of him craves solitude, while the other part refuses to let me leave.
The engagement ring is still on his finger. My photo is his phone lock screen, and our vacation picture is his desktop background. He even wears the necklace I gave him during our trip. It’s just that, mentally, he isn't really "there" anymore.
I attempted to take the ring off. He came to me, calm as always, no aggression. We sat on the floor, and I sobbed like a child because I feel like I'm losing my mind. He simply put the ring back on my finger and told me that this is where he belongs.
He keeps repeating the same thing: "I stand by everything I promised you, but in this state, I can't fulfill those promises. If you think it will be easier, then walk away... but that isn't what I want. I am not your enemy. I understand your pain, which makes this harder. I don't want to hurt you." It's exhausting. He used to be so attuned to me; if I was even slightly upset, he’d spend hours talking me through it. Now, he can watch me fall apart for hours and just stare. He knows I'm drowning, yet he seems powerless to change anything besides watching us drift day by day.
I am completely disoriented. I feel wretched. It is a surreal, agonizing experience to go from being the most loved woman in the world to feeling utterly alone overnight. It makes no sense. He has told me a hundred times, "This isn't about you. You are the kind of woman any man would be lucky to have, but I just don't know what is happening to me."
I've withdrawn. Even when he's right there, I stay quiet because it hurts too much when he says he feels like he's been hollowed out. It hurts when he calls me by my name; he used to call me his everything, his goddess, his soul. It hurts when I can't hug him because he feels uncomfortable. It hurts when he tells me he fears this will last forever. It hurts knowing that when he comes home from work, that magic is gone. It hurts when he says, "I love you, but I don't know what's happening to me." It hurts to look at him and see no smile, no light in his eyes. It hurts because there's nothing left to talk about except this shadow hanging over us.
😢 (God... I've only been here three weeks. And for fifteen of those days, it's been like this. I love him. I would do anything to get that feeling back, because I know we are perfect together. I know how it feels to love with that absolute intensity—the intensity he lost in a heartbeat.)
It kills me when his alarm goes off in the morning. No matter how heavy our conversation was the night before, he still kisses my hair every single morning. But then he comes home from work, and it's like he's being driven away from me by some invisible force.
I'm lost. I don't know how to act or how to handle this. I know I'm giving in to my tears, which isn't like me. I know I need him. I can't imagine life without him. Despite the effort, the anger, the disappointment, and the endless tears, I just cannot face the reality of leaving.
Judging by his behavior, I suspect he’s spiraling into depression. I’ve read similar stories here where I see myself reflected in others, yet I am completely lost on how to handle this. I don't know what to do. I would do anything just to reach the moment where he holds me again, so we can face this together—living out those plans and dreams we both prepared for.
Please, I need help—whether it's advice or just some empathy. I have never felt this low in my life. I have no one to turn to with all this weight I'm carrying while living here in the Netherlands, specifically in Amsterdam. I've been here about twenty days, spending every single day praying to God that my man wakes up from this nightmare and breaks free from this vicious cycle.
Forgive the length of this post. I am simply overwhelmed by sadness, loneliness, and worry.😢(((