Posts by slycobra59

Rather than quoting everyone individually, I’ll try to address everything in a more general sense.
I don't think I made myself clear enough... I live and work in a different city now—where I also went to college—so I'm quite far from them. This means picking up groceries or supplies for them isn't really an option. Nor is handing over money to my brothers, since they're still minors; besides, I've had situations with them before where I ended up with less than $17 left in my wallet, so I don't exactly trust their word when it comes to finances...

Yes, I still love my mother, even if she might be just as responsible as my father for this whole mess. As for him, I couldn't care less, but I still care about her. She’s had a brutal life—not just because of him, but because of the workplace harassment she endured; she even suffered a nervous breakdown, not to mention other things... Still, I find myself hoping that she’ll finally stop playing the victim, find some inner strength, and actually take a stand for once in her life... while there are still other people who depend on the two of them. And regarding the money situation: the whole household lives off her half of the paycheck, because my father contributes absolutely nothing. Her issue is that after all the nonsense, she still trusts him even when he lies to her face. It has to be some kind of pathology; I honestly can't wrap my head around it. She doesn't even recognize when he's drunk when he walks through the door. She’ll hand him her credit card and PIN just because he promised he was only withdrawing enough to buy a loaf of bread. I just don't know... I don't understand her at all.

When my father drinks, he isn't usually physically violent. His method is more about mockery and psychological humiliation. Whether he's drunk or sober, he’s a misogynistic jerk, and I stopped paying any attention to his venom a long time ago. Everyone else is afraid of him, including my mother, who has absolutely no authority without him. Perhaps that's the reason she won't leave him. If he actually came to me and said he wanted treatment for alcoholism, I wouldn't lift a finger to help him. If it weren't for the mountain of debt he keeps piling onto all of us, I wouldn't feel bad if he just dropped dead.

Regarding what some of you said, I don't believe my parents have burdened me with anything. I was actually helping them even when I was a minor, hello? What do you mean "support until 25"? I could describe the horrific situations where we hit rock bottom, but I won't. Because if I did, I wouldn't be able to rationally explain why I still love my mother after everything, or why I can't help them, even at my own expense. And yes, it probably isn't the smartest move to keep supporting them. There's no point in arguing here, though, because I simply can't just stop giving them money and leave them with nothing. I thought I could learn to just suppress that anger toward them, to rationalize it. I hoped someone would tell me that what I'm doing is okay. In the end, it turns out I agree with most of you—that I am hurting myself. Dammit. I guess I'll just have to learn how to live with that for a while. Thank you, everyone.

What would even be the point of reporting them? For the constant bickering? Or for staying trapped in a marriage like that? Honestly, I can't tell if she still loves him or if we’re looking at a case of Stockholm syndrome. Either way, there isn't much I can do to make her leave him—she just doesn't listen to me.
I realize it might seem like I'm enabling them by providing financial support, but if I didn't give them money, they wouldn't eat. Or worse, they'd go find someone else to borrow from, blow it all on nonsense—you know, things like cigarettes, coffee, or a few rounds of drinks at the local pub—and then they'd end up starving again two days later. I remember being in a similar situation with them when I was younger, and I refuse to let my siblings go through that. Not ever.
If I had the means, I would take them in myself, but I simply can't. I know that in a functional family, this shouldn't fall on my shoulders, but in this situation, there is nobody else to step up if I don't. It’s incredibly frustrating because I just can't wrap my head around my mother's choices. 😢

How do you deal with parents who are completely irresponsible?
It’s the textbook dysfunctional family dynamic—multiple kids involved. He’s a gambler and an alcoholic struggling with PTSD, and she’s a masochist who stays just because the kids "need a father." They have their good qualities, sure, but honestly, I can't even recall them right now. My entire life has been soundtracked by their screaming matches and dramatic scenes—him belittling every single thing she does, and her just swallowing his insults and saying "thank you" for it. It reached a point where I simply stopped intervening in their relationship; frankly, I’m disgusted by both of them, each in their own unique way.

We were never financially stable. We lived paycheck to paycheck, even though they both have steady incomes. It was always one debt after another to cover previous ones, getting clothes from Catholic Charities, relying on relatives to bail us out whenever things got dicey, and so on. Back in high school, I had a scholarship that I would hand directly over to my mother—except for those few times my father would beat me to it and blow it on booze (yay, parental power of attorney
But now, because they’ve spent their whole lives operating under the delusion that things will just sort themselves out without them lifting a finger, something catastrophic happened, and their financial situation has become dire. As a result, I’ve started handing over a huge chunk of my paycheck every month. And there’s no end in sight. My father insists he doesn't have a dime because all his income goes toward servicing debts. I know that’s a lie, and I know he comes home drunk every single day, but my hands are tied. My mother earns half a salary, and the rest goes straight to creditors. She either ignores the situation or calls me crying on the phone—depending on whether she has enough left for cigarettes. I’m renting my own place, and after factoring in rent, utilities, groceries, and the money I send them, I am left with... nothing. I’m hoping to save up for a new coat soon if I can somehow adopt a cheaper meal-prepping routine.
I wouldn't help them out on principle if it weren't for my younger brothers, who are still in school and need someone to provide for them. I am incredibly angry, but I try not to show it because I know they actually do care that I’m doing this for them. And I'm not doing it just to throw it in their faces later.

The problem is, I don't know what to do with all this resentment building up inside me. How do I stop being so furious? 😢 I find myself walking an hour and a half from work to my house just because I'm too agitated to drive. I feel like I’ll be stuck carrying them on my back forever. I should have recognized the pattern sooner and studied something more lucrative. I can't plan anything for my own future because I never know when they’re going to need something. It’s happened more than a few times where I get a call on the very last day of a deadline because they failed to manage their credit card balance. Now, that card is blocked anyway. If I ever won the lottery, they’d blow the whole thing within a year. I have this intense urge to leave those two penniless in their toxic marriage, to take my brothers away from them forever, and to build a life with them in a much healthier environment. But it feels like nobody listens to me anyway, except when they need cash.

When I look at how my friends interact with their parents, their behavior seems completely foreign to me. It feels surreal seeing them hug their fathers or say "I love you." Celebrating birthdays, exchanging gifts—it’s all so alien. Meanwhile, I feel guilty about buying anything for myself. I bought a laptop once and kept it a secret from them for two years because I didn't want them to feel bad about not having one. Right now, I’m in such a state of burnout that I don't even want to go to work; I just want to spend a year playing Oblivion, foraging for mushrooms, and thinking about absolutely nothing.
I'm a mess.
And yet, when I think about my brothers, who get absolutely nothing from these two, I feel like I don't even have the right to be struggling. They are the ones facing the harshest consequences of these two idiots, whereas I at least managed to move out. I don't know how to shake this frustration, especially knowing the situation isn't going to change anytime soon. 😢