When are parents officially "done"?

How do you deal with parents who are completely irresponsible?
It’s the textbook dysfunctional family dynamic—multiple kids involved. He’s a gambler and an alcoholic struggling with PTSD, and she’s a masochist who stays just because the kids "need a father." They have their good qualities, sure, but honestly, I can't even recall them right now. My entire life has been soundtracked by their screaming matches and dramatic scenes—him belittling every single thing she does, and her just swallowing his insults and saying "thank you" for it. It reached a point where I simply stopped intervening in their relationship; frankly, I’m disgusted by both of them, each in their own unique way.

We were never financially stable. We lived paycheck to paycheck, even though they both have steady incomes. It was always one debt after another to cover previous ones, getting clothes from Catholic Charities, relying on relatives to bail us out whenever things got dicey, and so on. Back in high school, I had a scholarship that I would hand directly over to my mother—except for those few times my father would beat me to it and blow it on booze (yay, parental power of attorney
But now, because they’ve spent their whole lives operating under the delusion that things will just sort themselves out without them lifting a finger, something catastrophic happened, and their financial situation has become dire. As a result, I’ve started handing over a huge chunk of my paycheck every month. And there’s no end in sight. My father insists he doesn't have a dime because all his income goes toward servicing debts. I know that’s a lie, and I know he comes home drunk every single day, but my hands are tied. My mother earns half a salary, and the rest goes straight to creditors. She either ignores the situation or calls me crying on the phone—depending on whether she has enough left for cigarettes. I’m renting my own place, and after factoring in rent, utilities, groceries, and the money I send them, I am left with... nothing. I’m hoping to save up for a new coat soon if I can somehow adopt a cheaper meal-prepping routine.
I wouldn't help them out on principle if it weren't for my younger brothers, who are still in school and need someone to provide for them. I am incredibly angry, but I try not to show it because I know they actually do care that I’m doing this for them. And I'm not doing it just to throw it in their faces later.

The problem is, I don't know what to do with all this resentment building up inside me. How do I stop being so furious? 😢 I find myself walking an hour and a half from work to my house just because I'm too agitated to drive. I feel like I’ll be stuck carrying them on my back forever. I should have recognized the pattern sooner and studied something more lucrative. I can't plan anything for my own future because I never know when they’re going to need something. It’s happened more than a few times where I get a call on the very last day of a deadline because they failed to manage their credit card balance. Now, that card is blocked anyway. If I ever won the lottery, they’d blow the whole thing within a year. I have this intense urge to leave those two penniless in their toxic marriage, to take my brothers away from them forever, and to build a life with them in a much healthier environment. But it feels like nobody listens to me anyway, except when they need cash.

When I look at how my friends interact with their parents, their behavior seems completely foreign to me. It feels surreal seeing them hug their fathers or say "I love you." Celebrating birthdays, exchanging gifts—it’s all so alien. Meanwhile, I feel guilty about buying anything for myself. I bought a laptop once and kept it a secret from them for two years because I didn't want them to feel bad about not having one. Right now, I’m in such a state of burnout that I don't even want to go to work; I just want to spend a year playing Oblivion, foraging for mushrooms, and thinking about absolutely nothing.
I'm a mess.
And yet, when I think about my brothers, who get absolutely nothing from these two, I feel like I don't even have the right to be struggling. They are the ones facing the harshest consequences of these two idiots, whereas I at least managed to move out. I don't know how to shake this frustration, especially knowing the situation isn't going to change anytime soon. 😢

I wouldn't give them a single cent anymore. I mean that most seriously. If I could take money from my brothers, I would; if not, I’d report them to the authorities.
Your fear is entirely justified: this will never end, not unless you decide that enough is enough.

Stop throwing money at them. You know as well as I do that it isn't helping; if anything, it just enables them to keep living exactly how they have been.

I guess you can't exactly take your brothers under your wing forever. That’s just not your responsibility.

Your job is to get yourself on your feet and actually live your own life. Maybe by setting that example, you'll actually be helping your brothers more than the cash ever did.

What would even be the point of reporting them? For the constant bickering? Or for staying trapped in a marriage like that? Honestly, I can't tell if she still loves him or if we’re looking at a case of Stockholm syndrome. Either way, there isn't much I can do to make her leave him—she just doesn't listen to me.
I realize it might seem like I'm enabling them by providing financial support, but if I didn't give them money, they wouldn't eat. Or worse, they'd go find someone else to borrow from, blow it all on nonsense—you know, things like cigarettes, coffee, or a few rounds of drinks at the local pub—and then they'd end up starving again two days later. I remember being in a similar situation with them when I was younger, and I refuse to let my siblings go through that. Not ever.
If I had the means, I would take them in myself, but I simply can't. I know that in a functional family, this shouldn't fall on my shoulders, but in this situation, there is nobody else to step up if I don't. It’s incredibly frustrating because I just can't wrap my head around my mother's choices. 😢

I know this is weighing incredibly heavy on your soul, but I’m just going to tell you straight: save yourself. No matter how cruel or selfish that sounds, you have to prioritize your own survival.

You need to realize that you eventually have to cut ties completely. It’s better to do it now rather than later, before they mentally destroy you. Honestly, do you really think things will ever improve with them? Do you think they’ll suddenly become rational or responsible adults? When? Once they hit retirement and their income drops even further?

And do you honestly believe your father is going to stop drinking after a lifetime of being an alcoholic? (By the way—is he even open to seeking treatment?)

You can't take your brothers under your wing, but maybe try looking into whether they qualify for any student grants or scholarships. Talk to them. Make sure they understand that the best move for them is to finish school or college if they actually want to learn something. They need to find a way to become independent so they don't end up victims of your parents' irresponsibility.

As for you, you need to stand on your own two feet. Stop carrying this guilt; you aren't the one at fault here. If anything, you're being exploited. You need to start living your own life. That means cutting off the money transfers starting today. And believe me, though it might be hard to hear, I am certain they will find a way to manage.

Interesting.
What is the actual issue here?

slycobra59 said:How do you deal with parents who are completely irresponsible?
It’s the textbook dysfunctional family dynamic—multiple kids involved. He’s a gambler and an alcoholic struggling with PTSD, and she’s a masochist who stays just because the kids "need a father." They have their good qualities, sure, but honestly, I can't even recall them right now. My entire life has been soundtracked by their screaming matches and dramatic scenes—him belittling every single thing she does, and her just swallowing his insults and saying "thank you" for it. It reached a point where I simply stopped intervening in their relationship; frankly, I’m disgusted by both of them, each in their own unique way.

We were never financially stable. We lived paycheck to paycheck, even though they both have steady incomes. It was always one debt after another to cover previous ones, getting clothes from Catholic Charities, relying on relatives to bail us out whenever things got dicey, and so on. Back in high school, I had a scholarship that I would hand directly over to my mother—except for those few times my father would beat me to it and blow it on booze (yay, parental power of attorney
But now, because they’ve spent their whole lives operating under the delusion that things will just sort themselves out without them lifting a finger, something catastrophic happened, and their financial situation has become dire. As a result, I’ve started handing over a huge chunk of my paycheck every month. And there’s no end in sight. My father insists he doesn't have a dime because all his income goes toward servicing debts. I know that’s a lie, and I know he comes home drunk every single day, but my hands are tied. My mother earns half a salary, and the rest goes straight to creditors. She either ignores the situation or calls me crying on the phone—depending on whether she has enough left for cigarettes. I’m renting my own place, and after factoring in rent, utilities, groceries, and the money I send them, I am left with... nothing. I’m hoping to save up for a new coat soon if I can somehow adopt a cheaper meal-prepping routine.
I wouldn't help them out on principle if it weren't for my younger brothers, who are still in school and need someone to provide for them. I am incredibly angry, but I try not to show it because I know they actually do care that I’m doing this for them. And I'm not doing it just to throw it in their faces later.

The problem is, I don't know what to do with all this resentment building up inside me. How do I stop being so furious? 😢 I find myself walking an hour and a half from work to my house just because I'm too agitated to drive. I feel like I’ll be stuck carrying them on my back forever. I should have recognized the pattern sooner and studied something more lucrative. I can't plan anything for my own future because I never know when they’re going to need something. It’s happened more than a few times where I get a call on the very last day of a deadline because they failed to manage their credit card balance. Now, that card is blocked anyway. If I ever won the lottery, they’d blow the whole thing within a year. I have this intense urge to leave those two penniless in their toxic marriage, to take my brothers away from them forever, and to build a life with them in a much healthier environment. But it feels like nobody listens to me anyway, except when they need cash.

When I look at how my friends interact with their parents, their behavior seems completely foreign to me. It feels surreal seeing them hug their fathers or say "I love you." Celebrating birthdays, exchanging gifts—it’s all so alien. Meanwhile, I feel guilty about buying anything for myself. I bought a laptop once and kept it a secret from them for two years because I didn't want them to feel bad about not having one. Right now, I’m in such a state of burnout that I don't even want to go to work; I just want to spend a year playing Oblivion, foraging for mushrooms, and thinking about absolutely nothing.
I'm a mess.
And yet, when I think about my brothers, who get absolutely nothing from these two, I feel like I don't even have the right to be struggling. They are the ones facing the harshest consequences of these two idiots, whereas I at least managed to move out. I don't know how to shake this frustration, especially knowing the situation isn't going to change anytime soon. 😢

You have every right to be pissed off, even if dwelling on it doesn't fix much—maybe it's better to just let yourself feel it for now

You and your brothers should try to coordinate behind their backs
Help them out as much as you can, just like any real family would—sometimes they might need a little cash, sometimes a place to crash for a night or two, stuff like that—but don't overextend yourself more than you can handle
Focus on helping them find a way to pull themselves up by their bootstraps... if they manage to get back on their feet, they'll be there for you too, provided they're anything like you... then you won't have to worry
Having them move in with you would only be a band-aid solution... the best thing you can do for them in the long run is to stay as stable and unburdened as possible

Oh... I actually went through something almost identical once... until one day I just finally snapped. I told everyone to go jump in a lake... all at once... then I packed up and moved to a different state. Believe me, I would have moved to the middle of Alaska just to never see or hear from any of them again, just to live my life and work for myself.
It only takes one little person to show you what your brothers can turn into... they can become just as much of a drain on you as your parents were.
Just run from it and try not to give them another thought.
Everyone builds their own life, and if you managed to pull away, I guess your brothers will too (if that's what they want).
Best of luck.

Don't go handing them any cash; instead, just bring over a hot meal for your brothers, pick up some clothes for them, or maybe just cover the cost of their textbooks.

Did your parents ever, and I mean seriously EVER, go hungry?

And why on earth would you think they would now?

If you keep this up, it’s going to be pretty obvious that YOU are the one with the issue. You, not them. They’re doing fine; that's just the life they chose. And right now, you're the one choosing yours.

Exactly. I wouldn't just hand over cash. They’d get a specific amount of pasta, rice, shelf-stable milk, soap, shampoo—that kind of stuff. That’s where it ends. If they want to go out and buy cigarettes or hard liquor, they can find someone else to ask.

If we want to stop people from starving, fifty pounds of flour a month should be plenty $83.

These folks are pulling in two salaries.

If you’re still under the impression—or if you actually feel in your gut—that they need your "help," my advice is pretty simple: just head down to the grocery store, grab enough basic staples to get them through the month, and call it a day.
Beyond that? They can figure it out on their own, just like everyone else does.

At its core, this is an emotional issue. So what if they’re your parents?
If they brought you into this world, that doesn't give them a free pass to destroy you.!!!!!
You’ve only got one back to carry your own baggage, because they have their own to lug around too. Your siblings will grow up just like you will... and one day, you’ll actually be able to share that emotional burden together—the one your parents unconsciously forced on you while they were busy chasing a "better life."
Stop feeling sorry for them!
Stop playing Mother Teresa; even she wouldn't hand out cash if she knew it was just going to be blown on drinks.
There’s an old saying: if you want to feed someone, don't just give them a fish—teach them how to fish. Do that for your siblings by talking to them constantly. Be their emotional anchor, because they're feeling the exact same way you are. Don't pity them for lacking food; your siblings are starving for love and support.
Keep your interactions with your parents to a bare minimum, especially when your mother starts the crying routine. And don't you dare feel guilty about it. Even a good parent doesn't feel guilty when they say "no" to a kid to teach them a lesson!
Focus all that energy on building your own family.

slycobra59 said:What would even be the point of reporting them? For the constant bickering? Or for staying trapped in a marriage like that? Honestly, I can't tell if she still loves him or if we’re looking at a case of Stockholm syndrome. Either way, there isn't much I can do to make her leave him—she just doesn't listen to me.
I realize it might seem like I'm enabling them by providing financial support, but if I didn't give them money, they wouldn't eat. Or worse, they'd go find someone else to borrow from, blow it all on nonsense—you know, things like cigarettes, coffee, or a few rounds of drinks at the local pub—and then they'd end up starving again two days later. I remember being in a similar situation with them when I was younger, and I refuse to let my siblings go through that. Not ever.
If I had the means, I would take them in myself, but I simply can't. I know that in a functional family, this shouldn't fall on my shoulders, but in this situation, there is nobody else to step up if I don't. It’s incredibly frustrating because I just can't wrap my head around my mother's choices. 😢

Report them for neglect, abandonment, or the abuse of any minor siblings. Maybe they'll finally pull themselves together if Child Protective Services starts showing up at their door with threats of taking the kids away. Besides, from what I understand, it isn't just an option; it’s a legal obligation to report these situations.

Regardless, there’s nothing I can do to make her leave him since she won't listen to me.

That is her business and her choice. It isn't my concern. My concern is your siblings, who don't have a choice in being left without food because their parents are blowing everything else.

I know I'm enabling them, but if I don't give them money, they'll go hungry...

The result is they stay well-fed while you end up screwed. The choice is yours.

Honestly, I think you’re the one causing the issue here.
If you need to give your brothers money without your parents knowing, go ahead and do it.

And I don't get why you haven't reported them yet?🤷
I have this nagging feeling that you still actually care about them.😢

A lot of interesting takes here.
Here is my perspective.

Regardless of who they are, you earned your college degree. No matter how rough or messy the road was, you made it through.
I barely scraped by in high school. I was living on scraps; I remember having a hole in my sneaker big enough to stick a small glass through. I rarely even went to the restroom because the bullying was constant. I’d just hide my feet under my chair.

My old man was an alcoholic, abusive, blah blah blah—your typical dysfunctional American family. Clearly a PTSD-survivor (lived through war, let's do it again so we can have more idiots like him).
Later, once I grew up, I finally stood up to him physically. A few days after that, he came into my room begging me to take him to rehab.

I have a brother, 32 years old. He hit rock bottom when things were at their worst, yet he pulls in $3000 a decent salary now, which he spends entirely on booze.
Unpaid bills were our daily reality. I started working, things stabilized somewhat, but it wasn't the end of the story.

Then came the layoff, and everything went to hell again.

Honestly, I don't feel like writing much; I'll lose my train of thought and fail to say what I mean.

Personally, I didn't move out. I could have, but I couldn't leave them in the gutter. Damn it. They're my people. If they're trash, I'm trash with them. My brother? Not him.
Given the cost-benefit ratio of my life, I could have been a gentleman if I hadn't possessed such a conscience. Today, I settle for sparkling water and some fuel, since driving is my profession and my passion.

My brother is moving back home. Naturally, his girlfriend dumped him because he's a deadbeat. He used to pay rent for his apartment $1167, but now at home, he doesn't contribute a single cent. He's still eating off my parents' dime. Imagine being 32 and acting like a child.

People making that kind of money usually own a condo and a new car they swap every five years. He owns a bicycle.

The point of this nonsense post is that your writing touched me, especially how you address them.

Did it ever cross your mind to stay put? To swallow the pill, stay with them, fix the mess, clear all those debts, and *then* move out?

Those loans weren't taken out just for drinks and coffee; you benefited from them too.
By the way, my brother took out a $7,500 personal loan and blew it all in a month.

All in all, I know what you're going through. I dare say I've endured even worse.
It's lovely when your father tells you: "I should have left you on the sidewalk rather than raising you."
Truly motivating.

You can pay the bills and fill the fridge. That's what they did to you for the first 25 years of your life. If nothing else, they tried to do it the best they knew how. Look, you're alive 😉 and that counts for something.

One last thing: life is garbage, or whatever you want to call it. Personally, I'm sick of that "it gets better" nonsense.
Well, guess what? IT WON'T!

mistycrane19 said:A lot of interesting takes here.
Here is my perspective.

Regardless of who they are, you earned your college degree. No matter how rough or messy the road was, you made it through.
I barely scraped by in high school. I was living on scraps; I remember having a hole in my sneaker big enough to stick a small glass through. I rarely even went to the restroom because the bullying was constant. I’d just hide my feet under my chair.

My old man was an alcoholic, abusive, blah blah blah—your typical dysfunctional American family. Clearly a PTSD-survivor (lived through war, let's do it again so we can have more idiots like him).
Later, once I grew up, I finally stood up to him physically. A few days after that, he came into my room begging me to take him to rehab.

I have a brother, 32 years old. He hit rock bottom when things were at their worst, yet he pulls in $3000 a decent salary now, which he spends entirely on booze.
Unpaid bills were our daily reality. I started working, things stabilized somewhat, but it wasn't the end of the story.

Then came the layoff, and everything went to hell again.

Honestly, I don't feel like writing much; I'll lose my train of thought and fail to say what I mean.

Personally, I didn't move out. I could have, but I couldn't leave them in the gutter. Damn it. They're my people. If they're trash, I'm trash with them. My brother? Not him.
Given the cost-benefit ratio of my life, I could have been a gentleman if I hadn't possessed such a conscience. Today, I settle for sparkling water and some fuel, since driving is my profession and my passion.

My brother is moving back home. Naturally, his girlfriend dumped him because he's a deadbeat. He used to pay rent for his apartment $1167, but now at home, he doesn't contribute a single cent. He's still eating off my parents' dime. Imagine being 32 and acting like a child.

People making that kind of money usually own a condo and a new car they swap every five years. He owns a bicycle.

The point of this nonsense post is that your writing touched me, especially how you address them.

Did it ever cross your mind to stay put? To swallow the pill, stay with them, fix the mess, clear all those debts, and *then* move out?

Those loans weren't taken out just for drinks and coffee; you benefited from them too.
By the way, my brother took out a $7,500 personal loan and blew it all in a month.

All in all, I know what you're going through. I dare say I've endured even worse.
It's lovely when your father tells you: "I should have left you on the sidewalk rather than raising you."
Truly motivating.

You can pay the bills and fill the fridge. That's what they did to you for the first 25 years of your life. If nothing else, they tried to do it the best they knew how. Look, you're alive 😉 and that counts for something.

One last thing: life is garbage, or whatever you want to call it. Personally, I'm sick of that "it gets better" nonsense.
Well, guess what? IT WON'T!

She doesn't owe them a single cent for bills or groceries just because they provided for her as a child. Her only potential obligation would be caring for them in old age if they become incapacitated.
It’s just two people with paychecks—an old man drinking his wages and an old woman staying silent and enduring. She owes them absolutely nothing. Just like you don't. She can choose to listen to you and continue living in misery. That's her choice. You claim life is a gutter and things won't improve, but she can certainly find a way to make things better if she focuses on her own life. For instance, my life is good right now. I enjoy my current situation, and I have always enjoyed it, starting from childhood. Life is what you make of it, regardless of where you started.

Look, I didn't say I'm feeling terrible right now. It's just that growing up in poverty gives you a certain perspective that's hard to ignore.

It’s plain stupid not to help your own people. If you won't step up for them, then who will?
And honestly, what kind of person does that make you anyway?
Just looking out for yourself and your own little life?
What happens when she gets married, has a husband and a kid?
Is she just going to be selfish again?

-I can already hear you saying "but that's her own family now," but whose family is this supposed to be?!
-The neighbor's??

There's a lot at stake here.

As a rule, you never truly realize what you have until it's gone. By then, it's too late, and you're left stuck in that cycle of "what if" and "if only."
-I'm talking about death and losing those closest to you.
We all die eventually, and losing loved ones isn't some light thing; it leaves scars that never quite heal.
The real question is whether you want to live with the guilt of knowing you could have helped—or at least tried—and chose not to.

Give me a break, that’s some seriously toxic logic right there.☕
Thank God the author clearly has a better handle on things than you do.

I don't know how old the brothers are, but regardless—get them on the right track, help them get on their own two feet ASAP, and then they can just cut ties with those manic parents and let them wallow in their own dysfunction. Good luck!🙂