Joshua Gomez said:First off, thanks for giving me a few minutes of your time!
I guess so I can make sense to you all, I should probably tell you a bit about myself, though I'll try to keep it brief.
I'm 31, and I've been working in media as a host for quite a while now.
When I was 12, I moved over to Switzerland, and then around age 16, things started getting heavy mentally. It started with just this random fear and panic for no reason at all, but even as a kid, I was really attached to my mom and dad who stayed behind in Canada. Around 17, I came back to the States and everything felt okay for maybe a year, until one night I just... I started thinking about my breathing. I couldn't wrap my head around how that process just happens automatically without me doing anything, and suddenly, this massive panic and fear just hit me. Since then, I haven't been able to stop obsessing over my breathing. Of course, I saw a psychologist and a neuropsychiatrist, and they put me on Lexapro. Talking things through helped a lot, but I know the medication played a huge part too. My psychologist diagnosed me with OCD—obsessive-compulsive thoughts. But since I started feeling better, I stopped taking them. Well, I tried to, anyway. I did it gradually on my own, cutting down to half a pill a day for two months, then a quarter for another couple of months, and finally, I just stopped. But now, these questions have started creeping back in. Like, who are we, really? What kind of world are we living in? What is Life? What are people? I feel like I'm constantly hunting for answers to existence, but I can't stop. And even when I find an answer—any answer—I just end up denying it, and then I get paranoid because I don't even know what to think anymore, or if I'm even capable of thinking! I just... I don't know anything anymore, and then the panic and fear follow immediately. When I take Xanax, I feel a bit better, and I can push those thoughts aside and act like a normal person. I worked with my psychologist on trying to distance myself from my inner child, trying to step into this more "adult" role and be a serious person. To be honest, my whole life has kind of been a joke; I dated a lot of girls, mostly just to fill the void and run away from these thoughts. He told me once that I look at myself as a subject, that I'm a researcher type who just needs to know everything. But he said a person can't truly know everything—that we only ever grasp maybe 80 percent of what we call "the truth." That's how he said I view the world. Anyway, that psychologist doesn't do therapy anymore, so I can't go back to him.
Since I keep falling into these deep rabbit holes under this constant fear, and I feel like I'm losing my grip and losing my mind, I wanted to ask for your professional opinion. Am I actually moving toward becoming a rational human being through all this, or am I just going crazy? I have this feeling that I *have* to go through all this just so I can finally reach my own conclusions and start living like everyone else. It’s almost like I’m intentionally throwing myself into these existential crises just so I can eventually say, "See? I didn't lose it, everything is fine." Please, I really need your insight...
And lately, this is hitting me harder than anything else yet:
I don't even know where to begin or what to write, because I don't even know how to think or what to think anymore!
Existence, who am I, who are all these people around me, where did this planet come from, where does life come from... these massive questions race through my head every single moment. And any answer I try to give myself, I just deny it. I deny everything inside my head, and there's just fear, nothing but fear passing through me. I walk around like a zombie, I go to work like a zombie. I'm terrified of losing my mind because I feel like I'm right on the edge and there's no hope left for me. I watch other people living so easily within their beliefs and their goals, totally fearless, and I don't know why I think this way, but it's like I view them as foolish for believing in anything at all. Honestly, I wish I could be that "foolish" too. I wish I could just believe that it's all part of a divine plan, or that there's one God who gave us everything, but I can't. I can't even trust myself, let alone hold onto any opinion. I deny existence itself. Some people say, "I see it, so obviously it exists," but I can't even bring myself to believe that. Why???
Why is this happening? I'm terrified of the emptiness in my head. I'm scared of everything because I don't understand anything. Sometimes I think maybe I'm just afraid of living, and afraid of accepting anything at all.
Everything just feels ugly, and I’m feeling completely drained... totally listless. I keep telling myself, okay, this is just how things are, nothing can be changed, but my brain just won't let me accept it. I just can't. I don't know anything anymore, and I'm just not accepting anything at all. Why am I so afraid of everything? I can't even talk sense into myself. Looking at the world, or maybe just looking at everyone else, I feel like I'm right on the edge of just checking into some mental health facility in a place like Seattle, where they just feed me and let me stare at a single spot on the wall forever.
I'm just totally lost. I don't see any way out, or any answers to any questions. It's like I don't even exist, or nothing does. I don't even know how I'm writing this, but I am.
Joshua Gomez,
You were asking about...
It’s quite a professional touch, wouldn't you agree? What are your thoughts on this?
Based on what you’ve shared—and I have to say, you really hit the nail on the head regarding everything that's been happening lately—I feel like I can offer this perspective.
If I may be so bold, the first thing that strikes me when reading your words is a palpable sense of anxiety.
It must be particularly difficult for you, especially since you work in the media industry where there really shouldn't be any room for anxiety to take hold. I can only imagine how much of a struggle that must be for you.
I find myself in complete agreement with that sentiment; I really do think it would be for the best if he just moved on.
I just finished up my appointment with the psychiatrist, and honestly, it feels like such a relief to finally have that weight lifted off my shoulders.I truly believe you should get this sorted out as soon as possible, and without any hesitation whatsoever. Please, try not to view this as some sort of punishment, but rather look at it through the lens of medical necessity—much like how you wouldn't hesitate to see a doctor if you had suddenly broken your leg. 🙂
Just to clarify a little distinction here—psychologists don't actually provide clinical diagnoses; that’s strictly within the realm of a psychiatrist.
It would honestly be such a lovely idea if you decided to head over there as well.
I've always found myself wondering about the true depth and complexity of psychological testing, particularly when you consider how much it can reveal about the nuances of the human psyche.I just thought it might be best to clear away all those little distractions that aren't actually playing a role right now.
You mentioned that you started taking your medication and finally began to feel like yourself again.
I suppose I really ought to admit that my single greatest mistake was letting myself believe that everything would just fall perfectly into place without any effort on my part. I can't quite make out what exactly you're asking, but I'd love to know more if you could clarify!
I have to say, there’s something incredibly risky about deciding to just stop taking your prescribed medications all on your own without consulting a doctor first.It’s worth remembering that whether you're undergoing therapy or finishing a course of antibiotics, there is a specific rhythm and duration to follow; if you decide to stop taking your antibiotics prematurely, those bacteria aren't just going to pack up and leave, they can actually develop an even stronger resistance, making everything so much more difficult to treat down the road.
It’s quite similar when you consider how the brain functions; every time you introduce medication, you are essentially shifting your internal chemical equilibrium, and if you decide to start adjusting things on your own whim, you could easily throw that delicate balance completely out of whack. While it is perfectly natural to feel a subjective sense of improvement, one really mustn't stop the therapy prematurely, because, as I mentioned before, those early feelings of wellness are often just a fleeting, subjective perception rather than a permanent fix.
It seems to me that what you’ve been experiencing lately might just be a lingering echo of those old struggles you were working through before—the kind of things that perhaps didn't quite get fully resolved. Those sudden, heavy bouts of questioning the whole point of Life, especially when you're already 31 and have actually managed to carve out a decent path for yourself with a steady job and real-world experience, could very well be stemming from a deep sense of anxiety or a fear of what's coming next.
Whatever diagnosis you might be facing—whether it’s something you’ve already been given or something you're currently navigating—it can certainly feel like an uphill battle, but I truly believe that even the toughest challenges are manageable if you take them one step at a time. 👍 And you might just find that you can still manage to function perfectly normally, too. 🙂
It was such a brilliant move to pair your medication with therapy; honestly, that combination is truly the gold standard for getting things back on track.
It’s simply a fact that one size doesn't fit all when it comes to healing, because sometimes certain therapies just aren't designed for every single problem, much like how not every therapist is going to be the perfect match for every individual soul.
Based on how you’ve been describing things to me, I have a feeling you might find a lot of peace working with a therapist who actually has their degree and everything.
I’ve recently been looking quite deeply into the principles taught within the school of cognitive-behavioral therapy.. Honestly, it might actually be for the best if you stop seeing that psychologist altogether; regardless of whether they’ve managed to help you distance yourself from your inner child or not, that underlying anxiety, emptiness, and fear aren't just going to vanish on their own.
I'm not quite sure where you're located, but I'd suggest looking online to see if there's a therapist out there who specializes in that specific school of thought. Since you mentioned you're working, you might find that you can afford to seek out a private specialist 🙂
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If you're wondering why I'm strongly suggesting you take your findings to a psychiatrist for a full evaluation? I'll go ahead and quote a few snippets from your post that, to my eyes, really highlight why taking that step is probably your best move:
1. Your thread title: Fear of Life
2.
Mental health struggles started around age 16, initially manifesting as sudden, baseless panic and fear.
3.
It just happens entirely on its own without any input from me—this intense, terrifying panic takes over, and ever since then, I haven't been able to stop obsessing over my breathing.
4.
Now these questions have started surfacing... I can't stop them, and even when I do find an answer (any answer at all), I end up denying it and spiraling into paranoia because I don't know what to think anymore, or if I'm even capable of thinking clearly.
5.
And then the panic and fear follow immediately!.
6.
I'm walking around like a zombie, going to work like a zombie, terrified that I'm losing my mind because I feel like I'm right on the edge and there's no hope left for me!.
7.
The fear of the emptiness in my head.
8.
I am completely lost and can't see any way out or find answers to any questions.
I truly don't believe you'll just be sitting in some clinic staring blankly at a wall🙂, because most of those misconceptions about mental health come from the Hollywood movies we grew up watching.
The fact that you're still functioning well is a huge deal, despite everything you're going through, but it's so important that you start proper therapy as soon as possible.
Please believe me when I say you aren't "going crazy" and you aren't exaggerating; what you're experiencing isn't unusual at all. These are things that absolutely can be resolved, but not by trying to figure it out on your own through constant overthinking, philosophizing, or deep self-analysis—you need a referral to a psychiatrist.
By the way, please try to value and respect your own health... it isn't some minor scratch where you can just slap a Band-Aid on it so you can get back to washing dishes, much like how people think they can just pop a Xanax and feel better. In the long run, that kind of approach doesn't actually solve anything; you're just patching yourself up while potentially poisoning yourself without any real understanding of the root cause.
Anyway, I hope this helps answer some of your questions, and I'm rooting for you. 😉