Fear of Life

First off, thanks for giving me a few minutes of your time!
I guess so I can make sense to you all, I should probably tell you a bit about myself, though I'll try to keep it brief.
I'm 31, and I've been working in media as a host for quite a while now.
When I was 12, I moved over to Switzerland, and then around age 16, things started getting heavy mentally. It started with just this random fear and panic for no reason at all, but even as a kid, I was really attached to my mom and dad who stayed behind in Canada. Around 17, I came back to the States and everything felt okay for maybe a year, until one night I just... I started thinking about my breathing. I couldn't wrap my head around how that process just happens automatically without me doing anything, and suddenly, this massive panic and fear just hit me. Since then, I haven't been able to stop obsessing over my breathing. Of course, I saw a psychologist and a neuropsychiatrist, and they put me on Lexapro. Talking things through helped a lot, but I know the medication played a huge part too. My psychologist diagnosed me with OCD—obsessive-compulsive thoughts. But since I started feeling better, I stopped taking them. Well, I tried to, anyway. I did it gradually on my own, cutting down to half a pill a day for two months, then a quarter for another couple of months, and finally, I just stopped. But now, these questions have started creeping back in. Like, who are we, really? What kind of world are we living in? What is Life? What are people? I feel like I'm constantly hunting for answers to existence, but I can't stop. And even when I find an answer—any answer—I just end up denying it, and then I get paranoid because I don't even know what to think anymore, or if I'm even capable of thinking! I just... I don't know anything anymore, and then the panic and fear follow immediately. When I take Xanax, I feel a bit better, and I can push those thoughts aside and act like a normal person. I worked with my psychologist on trying to distance myself from my inner child, trying to step into this more "adult" role and be a serious person. To be honest, my whole life has kind of been a joke; I dated a lot of girls, mostly just to fill the void and run away from these thoughts. He told me once that I look at myself as a subject, that I'm a researcher type who just needs to know everything. But he said a person can't truly know everything—that we only ever grasp maybe 80 percent of what we call "the truth." That's how he said I view the world. Anyway, that psychologist doesn't do therapy anymore, so I can't go back to him.
Since I keep falling into these deep rabbit holes under this constant fear, and I feel like I'm losing my grip and losing my mind, I wanted to ask for your professional opinion. Am I actually moving toward becoming a rational human being through all this, or am I just going crazy? I have this feeling that I *have* to go through all this just so I can finally reach my own conclusions and start living like everyone else. It’s almost like I’m intentionally throwing myself into these existential crises just so I can eventually say, "See? I didn't lose it, everything is fine." Please, I really need your insight...

And lately, this is hitting me harder than anything else yet:
I don't even know where to begin or what to write, because I don't even know how to think or what to think anymore!
Existence, who am I, who are all these people around me, where did this planet come from, where does life come from... these massive questions race through my head every single moment. And any answer I try to give myself, I just deny it. I deny everything inside my head, and there's just fear, nothing but fear passing through me. I walk around like a zombie, I go to work like a zombie. I'm terrified of losing my mind because I feel like I'm right on the edge and there's no hope left for me. I watch other people living so easily within their beliefs and their goals, totally fearless, and I don't know why I think this way, but it's like I view them as foolish for believing in anything at all. Honestly, I wish I could be that "foolish" too. I wish I could just believe that it's all part of a divine plan, or that there's one God who gave us everything, but I can't. I can't even trust myself, let alone hold onto any opinion. I deny existence itself. Some people say, "I see it, so obviously it exists," but I can't even bring myself to believe that. Why???
Why is this happening? I'm terrified of the emptiness in my head. I'm scared of everything because I don't understand anything. Sometimes I think maybe I'm just afraid of living, and afraid of accepting anything at all.
Everything just feels ugly, and I’m feeling completely drained... totally listless. I keep telling myself, okay, this is just how things are, nothing can be changed, but my brain just won't let me accept it. I just can't. I don't know anything anymore, and I'm just not accepting anything at all. Why am I so afraid of everything? I can't even talk sense into myself. Looking at the world, or maybe just looking at everyone else, I feel like I'm right on the edge of just checking into some mental health facility in a place like Seattle, where they just feed me and let me stare at a single spot on the wall forever.
I'm just totally lost. I don't see any way out, or any answers to any questions. It's like I don't even exist, or nothing does. I don't even know how I'm writing this, but I am.

First off, you really need a solid psychiatrist who also doubles as a psychotherapist... personally, I think long-term psychoanalysis would be the way to go—it takes time, but the results actually stick. My hunch is that your core issue stems from an unresolved emotional separation from your parents, which is likely when those first signs of anxiety started cropping up.
Once you dive into therapy that actually covers your whole life story, finding those answers will become much easier... wishing you nothing but the best!👍

I think I have a pretty good idea of how you’re feeling right now... It sounds like you've entered one of those intense phases where you just can't stop questioning everything—searching for that one concrete, definitive answer? You're looking for the actual reason behind our existence, aren't you? And once those thoughts take hold, they just haunt you. But please, listen to me: you aren't crazy. Why on earth would anyone be considered "crazy" for thinking this way? Believe me, there are so many people out there just like you. There are entire lives dedicated solely to trying to unmask that one truth. Honestly, even I am one of those people who can't go a single day without these kinds of thoughts drifting through my mind... And trust me, even many religious people go through these exact doubts. I was raised in a Catholic family where some people believe everything is laid out in such a simple, neat little package—but I know better! I think it's almost ridiculous; I feel like the Catholic Church, with all its rigid dogmas, creates a caricature of God because they try to take everything so literally instead of seeing the symbolism in it. Ultimately, though, the conclusion to all this soul-searching is that there simply isn't an answer. Brilliant scientists, deeply religious figures—millions of them over the centuries—have poured their entire lives into seeking the answer to the very question you're asking, and they haven't found it. No one can truly know who is right—is it the scientists, the priests, or someone else entirely? Personally, I think the answer is NO ONE. Truly, absolutely no one knows, and we will likely never know with 100% certainty during our lifetime whether our beliefs are actually correct... and who's to say we'll even get an answer after we die? What actually happens to us? Why hasn't anyone cracked the mystery of Life and death, or uncovered why the world around us is structured exactly the way it is? Nobody has figured it out, and nobody will for a long, long time. That is the space where a person has to find their own comfort. Sure, people hold onto certain beliefs that might seem rock-solid at first glance, but those beliefs are either superficial—just products of how they were raised in American tradition—or they cling to them because it makes life easier. Then there are the third group: the ones who genuinely try to believe, but if you sit down and talk to them, you'll see they have their own deep doubts and constant questioning too. There are no answers to these questions. NONE. We aren't granted those answers. All we are given is the chance to live and then to die; the rest is just a pair of shoes—we spend our lives walking a path that feels upside down, distorted, and frankly, quite unnatural. That’s why so many people are going through this kind of identity crisis lately. We aren't living in harmony with nature or even with ourselves. It feels abnormal for humans to even ask the questions you're asking! Because, apparently, we were "designed" to work ourselves to the bone for someone higher up in the corporate pyramid, earn money, spend it, build a consumerist family, spend more, and then eventually pass away—either buried under debt or surrounded by piles of stuff and cash that won't fit in a casket anyway. We spend the best parts of our days killing ourselves for money—just pieces of paper that some people decided held value, because apparently, you can't survive without it, for heaven's sake! That cannot, and should not, be the meaning of Life. The fact that you are asking these questions is proof to me that you are human, and those questions are perfectly normal. However, if they start to feel suffocating—if they're weighing too heavily on your mind—find a good psychologist to talk to. In the meantime, try to find some people you can chat with about your views on the world and everything else that's bothering you. Surely you have at least one friend who finds these things interesting? (Not that you should smother them with these topics every single time you meet, but maybe drift into them every once in a while...) Ideally, that person shouldn't be someone who thinks their worldview is the absolute, infallible truth. You need someone relaxed and kind, someone who actually thinks for themselves and is willing to listen and engage in a healthy conversation! Good luck!

I don't even know how to thank you for what you wrote... and honestly, just for taking the time to put anything together at all! I guess, in the end, maybe I just need to find a way to accept that nothing is ever truly certain or set in stone. If I can wrap my head around that, maybe then I could actually function—you know, like, really live! My biggest struggle is just this overwhelming fear of everything, and when the panic hits, I just totally lose my footing. It gets so bad that I feel like I can't even think about anything else.

fadedbear92 said:First off, you really need a solid psychiatrist who also doubles as a psychotherapist... personally, I think long-term psychoanalysis would be the way to go—it takes time, but the results actually stick. My hunch is that your core issue stems from an unresolved emotional separation from your parents, which is likely when those first signs of anxiety started cropping up.
Once you dive into therapy that actually covers your whole life story, finding those answers will become much easier... wishing you nothing but the best!👍

Thanks so much, my friend!

Joshua Gomez said:I don't even know how to thank you for what you wrote... and honestly, just for taking the time to put anything together at all! I guess, in the end, maybe I just need to find a way to accept that nothing is ever truly certain or set in stone. If I can wrap my head around that, maybe then I could actually function—you know, like, really live! My biggest struggle is just this overwhelming fear of everything, and when the panic hits, I just totally lose my footing. It gets so bad that I feel like I can't even think about anything else.

Oh goodness, now that I'm looking back at what I wrote more carefully—I was in such a rush and made so many typos and grammatical slips, sorry about that! But I'm glad you caught the heart of it... Believe me, nothing in Life is ever truly certain. Just think about the billions upon billions of people who have lived and died throughout history... trillions of human lives, and not one single person during their lifetime found a concrete, verified answer to the very questions you're asking right now. Is it normal to wonder about these things? Absolutely! But there are no answers—it’s just not our day, and unfortunately, it isn't anyone's day! I'd probably be the first person in line if I could finally grasp the true purpose and meaning behind all of this. But it hasn't been granted to us—and honestly, even if an answer were provided, it likely wouldn't be in a language our current human brains and consciousness could even comprehend... So, if you have even a semi-stable situation regarding your job or your family (even if they're far away from you), please, just enjoy life as much as you possibly can! Go ahead and ask those big questions from time to time; there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, because of those very questions, you'll eventually gain a different perspective on Life and the world around you—one that is unique and so much deeper...

Joshua Gomez,
I don't think you even need to see a psychiatrist, honestly. What you really need is to get your head down, find some decent work, and actually educate yourself.
There are certain questions out there that nobody on this planet has an answer to, period.
But then there are plenty of other questions where the answers definitely exist. You just have to put in the effort to hunt them down, because most of what we wonder about is just pure intellectual curiosity and that spiritual drive to reach for something higher, something better.....
A lot of those answers are sitting right in front of you in your own Life experience, or even just by looking at what your parents and friends have gone through....

Look, I get it, you've probably got a million things on your plate and you're just trying to survive, right? Most people these days are so slammed they don't have time for anything except grinding away to pay the bills and feed their families, which is a damn shame. But I refuse to believe that's all there is to being human. We aren't just cogs in a machine built for labor and profit; we are intellectual and spiritual beings.

If you've got enough mental grit, just start thinking, start philosophizing, start digging, and you'll find the answers you're looking for.

I don't know, maybe I should just go deep inside myself and really dig around to finally figure out who I actually am and what I even want out of this life! The worst part is, I'm honestly terrified of this emptiness in my head, and the world just feels so massive... it's overwhelming. It's almost like I'm not even there, like I don't even exist. And all of that just leads to this huge fear of everything and total panic! I really hope you're right and that everything works out for the best in the end, and that I don't end up stuck in some mental health facility... thanks to everyone for all your answers and for helping me out!!!!

Joshua Gomez said:First off, thanks for giving me a few minutes of your time!
I guess so I can make sense to you all, I should probably tell you a bit about myself, though I'll try to keep it brief.
I'm 31, and I've been working in media as a host for quite a while now.
When I was 12, I moved over to Switzerland, and then around age 16, things started getting heavy mentally. It started with just this random fear and panic for no reason at all, but even as a kid, I was really attached to my mom and dad who stayed behind in Canada. Around 17, I came back to the States and everything felt okay for maybe a year, until one night I just... I started thinking about my breathing. I couldn't wrap my head around how that process just happens automatically without me doing anything, and suddenly, this massive panic and fear just hit me. Since then, I haven't been able to stop obsessing over my breathing. Of course, I saw a psychologist and a neuropsychiatrist, and they put me on Lexapro. Talking things through helped a lot, but I know the medication played a huge part too. My psychologist diagnosed me with OCD—obsessive-compulsive thoughts. But since I started feeling better, I stopped taking them. Well, I tried to, anyway. I did it gradually on my own, cutting down to half a pill a day for two months, then a quarter for another couple of months, and finally, I just stopped. But now, these questions have started creeping back in. Like, who are we, really? What kind of world are we living in? What is Life? What are people? I feel like I'm constantly hunting for answers to existence, but I can't stop. And even when I find an answer—any answer—I just end up denying it, and then I get paranoid because I don't even know what to think anymore, or if I'm even capable of thinking! I just... I don't know anything anymore, and then the panic and fear follow immediately. When I take Xanax, I feel a bit better, and I can push those thoughts aside and act like a normal person. I worked with my psychologist on trying to distance myself from my inner child, trying to step into this more "adult" role and be a serious person. To be honest, my whole life has kind of been a joke; I dated a lot of girls, mostly just to fill the void and run away from these thoughts. He told me once that I look at myself as a subject, that I'm a researcher type who just needs to know everything. But he said a person can't truly know everything—that we only ever grasp maybe 80 percent of what we call "the truth." That's how he said I view the world. Anyway, that psychologist doesn't do therapy anymore, so I can't go back to him.
Since I keep falling into these deep rabbit holes under this constant fear, and I feel like I'm losing my grip and losing my mind, I wanted to ask for your professional opinion. Am I actually moving toward becoming a rational human being through all this, or am I just going crazy? I have this feeling that I *have* to go through all this just so I can finally reach my own conclusions and start living like everyone else. It’s almost like I’m intentionally throwing myself into these existential crises just so I can eventually say, "See? I didn't lose it, everything is fine." Please, I really need your insight...

And lately, this is hitting me harder than anything else yet:
I don't even know where to begin or what to write, because I don't even know how to think or what to think anymore!
Existence, who am I, who are all these people around me, where did this planet come from, where does life come from... these massive questions race through my head every single moment. And any answer I try to give myself, I just deny it. I deny everything inside my head, and there's just fear, nothing but fear passing through me. I walk around like a zombie, I go to work like a zombie. I'm terrified of losing my mind because I feel like I'm right on the edge and there's no hope left for me. I watch other people living so easily within their beliefs and their goals, totally fearless, and I don't know why I think this way, but it's like I view them as foolish for believing in anything at all. Honestly, I wish I could be that "foolish" too. I wish I could just believe that it's all part of a divine plan, or that there's one God who gave us everything, but I can't. I can't even trust myself, let alone hold onto any opinion. I deny existence itself. Some people say, "I see it, so obviously it exists," but I can't even bring myself to believe that. Why???
Why is this happening? I'm terrified of the emptiness in my head. I'm scared of everything because I don't understand anything. Sometimes I think maybe I'm just afraid of living, and afraid of accepting anything at all.
Everything just feels ugly, and I’m feeling completely drained... totally listless. I keep telling myself, okay, this is just how things are, nothing can be changed, but my brain just won't let me accept it. I just can't. I don't know anything anymore, and I'm just not accepting anything at all. Why am I so afraid of everything? I can't even talk sense into myself. Looking at the world, or maybe just looking at everyone else, I feel like I'm right on the edge of just checking into some mental health facility in a place like Seattle, where they just feed me and let me stare at a single spot on the wall forever.
I'm just totally lost. I don't see any way out, or any answers to any questions. It's like I don't even exist, or nothing does. I don't even know how I'm writing this, but I am.

Joshua Gomez,

You were asking about... It’s quite a professional touch, wouldn't you agree? What are your thoughts on this?

Based on what you’ve shared—and I have to say, you really hit the nail on the head regarding everything that's been happening lately—I feel like I can offer this perspective.

If I may be so bold, the first thing that strikes me when reading your words is a palpable sense of anxiety.
It must be particularly difficult for you, especially since you work in the media industry where there really shouldn't be any room for anxiety to take hold. I can only imagine how much of a struggle that must be for you.

I find myself in complete agreement with that sentiment; I really do think it would be for the best if he just moved on. I just finished up my appointment with the psychiatrist, and honestly, it feels like such a relief to finally have that weight lifted off my shoulders.I truly believe you should get this sorted out as soon as possible, and without any hesitation whatsoever. Please, try not to view this as some sort of punishment, but rather look at it through the lens of medical necessity—much like how you wouldn't hesitate to see a doctor if you had suddenly broken your leg. 🙂

Just to clarify a little distinction here—psychologists don't actually provide clinical diagnoses; that’s strictly within the realm of a psychiatrist.

It would honestly be such a lovely idea if you decided to head over there as well. I've always found myself wondering about the true depth and complexity of psychological testing, particularly when you consider how much it can reveal about the nuances of the human psyche.I just thought it might be best to clear away all those little distractions that aren't actually playing a role right now.

You mentioned that you started taking your medication and finally began to feel like yourself again.I suppose I really ought to admit that my single greatest mistake was letting myself believe that everything would just fall perfectly into place without any effort on my part. I can't quite make out what exactly you're asking, but I'd love to know more if you could clarify! I have to say, there’s something incredibly risky about deciding to just stop taking your prescribed medications all on your own without consulting a doctor first.It’s worth remembering that whether you're undergoing therapy or finishing a course of antibiotics, there is a specific rhythm and duration to follow; if you decide to stop taking your antibiotics prematurely, those bacteria aren't just going to pack up and leave, they can actually develop an even stronger resistance, making everything so much more difficult to treat down the road.
It’s quite similar when you consider how the brain functions; every time you introduce medication, you are essentially shifting your internal chemical equilibrium, and if you decide to start adjusting things on your own whim, you could easily throw that delicate balance completely out of whack. While it is perfectly natural to feel a subjective sense of improvement, one really mustn't stop the therapy prematurely, because, as I mentioned before, those early feelings of wellness are often just a fleeting, subjective perception rather than a permanent fix.

It seems to me that what you’ve been experiencing lately might just be a lingering echo of those old struggles you were working through before—the kind of things that perhaps didn't quite get fully resolved. Those sudden, heavy bouts of questioning the whole point of Life, especially when you're already 31 and have actually managed to carve out a decent path for yourself with a steady job and real-world experience, could very well be stemming from a deep sense of anxiety or a fear of what's coming next.
Whatever diagnosis you might be facing—whether it’s something you’ve already been given or something you're currently navigating—it can certainly feel like an uphill battle, but I truly believe that even the toughest challenges are manageable if you take them one step at a time. 👍 And you might just find that you can still manage to function perfectly normally, too. 🙂

It was such a brilliant move to pair your medication with therapy; honestly, that combination is truly the gold standard for getting things back on track.
It’s simply a fact that one size doesn't fit all when it comes to healing, because sometimes certain therapies just aren't designed for every single problem, much like how not every therapist is going to be the perfect match for every individual soul.
Based on how you’ve been describing things to me, I have a feeling you might find a lot of peace working with a therapist who actually has their degree and everything. I’ve recently been looking quite deeply into the principles taught within the school of cognitive-behavioral therapy.. Honestly, it might actually be for the best if you stop seeing that psychologist altogether; regardless of whether they’ve managed to help you distance yourself from your inner child or not, that underlying anxiety, emptiness, and fear aren't just going to vanish on their own.

I'm not quite sure where you're located, but I'd suggest looking online to see if there's a therapist out there who specializes in that specific school of thought. Since you mentioned you're working, you might find that you can afford to seek out a private specialist 🙂
.
If you're wondering why I'm strongly suggesting you take your findings to a psychiatrist for a full evaluation?

I'll go ahead and quote a few snippets from your post that, to my eyes, really highlight why taking that step is probably your best move:
1. Your thread title: Fear of Life
2. Mental health struggles started around age 16, initially manifesting as sudden, baseless panic and fear.
3. It just happens entirely on its own without any input from me—this intense, terrifying panic takes over, and ever since then, I haven't been able to stop obsessing over my breathing.
4. Now these questions have started surfacing... I can't stop them, and even when I do find an answer (any answer at all), I end up denying it and spiraling into paranoia because I don't know what to think anymore, or if I'm even capable of thinking clearly.
5. And then the panic and fear follow immediately!.
6. I'm walking around like a zombie, going to work like a zombie, terrified that I'm losing my mind because I feel like I'm right on the edge and there's no hope left for me!.
7. The fear of the emptiness in my head.
8. I am completely lost and can't see any way out or find answers to any questions.

I truly don't believe you'll just be sitting in some clinic staring blankly at a wall🙂, because most of those misconceptions about mental health come from the Hollywood movies we grew up watching.
The fact that you're still functioning well is a huge deal, despite everything you're going through, but it's so important that you start proper therapy as soon as possible.
Please believe me when I say you aren't "going crazy" and you aren't exaggerating; what you're experiencing isn't unusual at all. These are things that absolutely can be resolved, but not by trying to figure it out on your own through constant overthinking, philosophizing, or deep self-analysis—you need a referral to a psychiatrist.

By the way, please try to value and respect your own health... it isn't some minor scratch where you can just slap a Band-Aid on it so you can get back to washing dishes, much like how people think they can just pop a Xanax and feel better. In the long run, that kind of approach doesn't actually solve anything; you're just patching yourself up while potentially poisoning yourself without any real understanding of the root cause.

Anyway, I hope this helps answer some of your questions, and I'm rooting for you. 😉

silverraven7 said:Joshua Gomez,
I don't think you even need to see a psychiatrist, honestly. What you really need is to get your head down, find some decent work, and actually educate yourself.
There are certain questions out there that nobody on this planet has an answer to, period.
But then there are plenty of other questions where the answers definitely exist. You just have to put in the effort to hunt them down, because most of what we wonder about is just pure intellectual curiosity and that spiritual drive to reach for something higher, something better.....
A lot of those answers are sitting right in front of you in your own Life experience, or even just by looking at what your parents and friends have gone through....

Look, I get it, you've probably got a million things on your plate and you're just trying to survive, right? Most people these days are so slammed they don't have time for anything except grinding away to pay the bills and feed their families, which is a damn shame. But I refuse to believe that's all there is to being human. We aren't just cogs in a machine built for labor and profit; we are intellectual and spiritual beings.

If you've got enough mental grit, just start thinking, start philosophizing, start digging, and you'll find the answers you're looking for.

If you take a moment to really sit with the situation Joshua Gomez described, you might notice that he’s feeling quite overwhelmed right now—honestly, it feels like he's struggling to find his footing—so suggesting he should just "go philosophize" about it seems a little dismissive of how heavy this actually feels for him.😉

The real issue isn't about hunting down answers to a mountain of questions; it's more about stepping back to ask why all these questions are suddenly weighing on him in the first place.😉

Best,

I honestly feel like my true self just... wandered off somewhere a long time ago and never looked back!

Joshua Gomez said:I honestly feel like my true self just... wandered off somewhere a long time ago and never looked back!

Oh, goodness no 🙂, it hasn't vanished entirely—it’s just gone a little astray, and you'll need to go out and find it again... It might take some patience and a bit of time, but I know you can do it!!

From the book The Power of Now:
Up until I was thirteen, I lived in this constant state of pure anxiety,
punctuated by these heavy bouts of depression that kept pulling me toward suicide.
Honestly, looking back now, it feels like I’m talking about someone else's life or some weird past incarnation.
One night, not long after my twenty-ninth birthday, I woke up
in the middle of the night feeling absolute, paralyzing terror. I’d woken up
feeling like crap before, sure, but this time the fear was on a whole different level.
The dead silence of the night, those blurry shapes of furniture in my dark
room, the distant sound of a streetcar passing by—it all felt so alien, so hostile,
and just so incredibly meaningless that it sparked this deep, burning contempt
for the entire world. But the worst part? It was my own damn
existence. What was even the point of living with a weight like that crushing me? Why
keep struggling through this? I could feel this massive craving for death,
for just... nothingness, becoming way stronger than any instinctual urge to
keep going.

This is what one famous teacher went through before he finally found peace, happiness, and his own answers within himself.

Look, you gotta take care of your physical health too. I don't know what your daily routine looks like or if you even have the time, but getting some fresh air and eating decent food can't hurt. I'm saying this because you mentioned feeling totally lethargic, which sounds like it could be a result of toxins in your system.

Personally, if I stop moving and start eating nothing but junk food, I spiral right into those negative moods too. For me, I searched for answers to those big philosophical questions through art, philosophy, psychology, and spirituality, and that's how I finally figured out my next move.

That kind of darkness actually pushes you to live better; it forces you to make changes you otherwise never would've bothered making.

You shouldn't have stopped your treatment. These are meds you take for years—sometimes for life—and you just have to accept that and make peace with it. It doesn't mean you're crazy or that your thoughts aren't valid; it just means your brain is low on serotonin, and that's something you'll deal with more or less forever. It’s honestly not that big of a deal... just accept it. Think of yourself as being a little more "sensitive" or "perceptive," then focus on finding people and moments that actually relax you and lift your spirits. Exercise helps too; any sport will do—even just a brisk walk!

Larry Brown7 said:From the book The Power of Now:
Up until I was thirteen, I lived in this constant state of pure anxiety,
punctuated by these heavy bouts of depression that kept pulling me toward suicide.
Honestly, looking back now, it feels like I’m talking about someone else's life or some weird past incarnation.
One night, not long after my twenty-ninth birthday, I woke up
in the middle of the night feeling absolute, paralyzing terror. I’d woken up
feeling like crap before, sure, but this time the fear was on a whole different level.
The dead silence of the night, those blurry shapes of furniture in my dark
room, the distant sound of a streetcar passing by—it all felt so alien, so hostile,
and just so incredibly meaningless that it sparked this deep, burning contempt
for the entire world. But the worst part? It was my own damn
existence. What was even the point of living with a weight like that crushing me? Why
keep struggling through this? I could feel this massive craving for death,
for just... nothingness, becoming way stronger than any instinctual urge to
keep going.

This is what one famous teacher went through before he finally found peace, happiness, and his own answers within himself.

Look, you gotta take care of your physical health too. I don't know what your daily routine looks like or if you even have the time, but getting some fresh air and eating decent food can't hurt. I'm saying this because you mentioned feeling totally lethargic, which sounds like it could be a result of toxins in your system.

Personally, if I stop moving and start eating nothing but junk food, I spiral right into those negative moods too. For me, I searched for answers to those big philosophical questions through art, philosophy, psychology, and spirituality, and that's how I finally figured out my next move.

That kind of darkness actually pushes you to live better; it forces you to make changes you otherwise never would've bothered making.

Wauuuuu, man, I think I've been quietly hoping somewhere deep down that's true! Thank you!

gentlegardener10 said:You shouldn't have stopped your treatment. These are meds you take for years—sometimes for life—and you just have to accept that and make peace with it. It doesn't mean you're crazy or that your thoughts aren't valid; it just means your brain is low on serotonin, and that's something you'll deal with more or less forever. It’s honestly not that big of a deal... just accept it. Think of yourself as being a little more "sensitive" or "perceptive," then focus on finding people and moments that actually relax you and lift your spirits. Exercise helps too; any sport will do—even just a brisk walk!

Thank you so much, everyone. You really have no idea how much your words mean to me right now.

@ Joshua Gomez

Honestly, what you’re going through... it’s basically just pure philosophy.
So, my advice? Go grab some philosophy books and just dive in. You'll quickly realize that all those questions swirling around in your head are actually totally normal—like, super standard stuff. I'm actually studying philosophy right now, and some of my exams are literally just deep conversations about these exact kinds of topics... so yeah.

Cheers!

Joshua Gomez said:I don't know, maybe I should just go deep inside myself and really dig around to finally figure out who I actually am and what I even want out of this life! The worst part is, I'm honestly terrified of this emptiness in my head, and the world just feels so massive... it's overwhelming. It's almost like I'm not even there, like I don't even exist. And all of that just leads to this huge fear of everything and total panic! I really hope you're right and that everything works out for the best in the end, and that I don't end up stuck in some mental health facility... thanks to everyone for all your answers and for helping me out!!!!

Well, could it be that our biggest issue as humans is simply that we are far too self-centered and full of ourselves? Doesn't everyone seem to want to be "someone big," trying to tower over Life itself? In reality, isn't it only when we embrace our shared humanity, our fragility, and our small place in the grand scheme of things that we can truly live a balanced and healthy life? 🙂
Best of luck!!

Rachel Ward said:@ Joshua Gomez

Honestly, what you’re going through... it’s basically just pure philosophy.
So, my advice? Go grab some philosophy books and just dive in. You'll quickly realize that all those questions swirling around in your head are actually totally normal—like, super standard stuff. I'm actually studying philosophy right now, and some of my exams are literally just deep conversations about these exact kinds of topics... so yeah.

Cheers!

That all sounds really nice, and man, I wish it were that simple, but I don't know... fear kind of stops me from even thinking about it, and it just keeps pulling me deeper and deeper into it. Thanks for the reply, friend!

Terry Grant2 said:Well, could it be that our biggest issue as humans is simply that we are far too self-centered and full of ourselves? Doesn't everyone seem to want to be "someone big," trying to tower over Life itself? In reality, isn't it only when we embrace our shared humanity, our fragility, and our small place in the grand scheme of things that we can truly live a balanced and healthy life? 🙂
Best of luck!!

That’s probably a factor too, I suppose! Thanks!