Posts by Jeremy Roberts5

I've decided to stop posting on the forum altogether, regardless of the topic. Sorry for being a bother.

Hannah Morris4 said:You’re basically putting yourself in a cage, and honestly, that’s just bad—really bad.
I guess I’ve always been wired this way too, just constantly picking myself apart, thinking everyone else has it figured out while I’m falling short. But I can see where that path leads, and it's just standing still; my head is overflowing with goals and half-baked ideas, yet nothing ever actually happens. For the longest time, I was just waiting for some hero to show up, grab me by the arm, and say, "Hey, let's get moving, we'll do this together," but you know what? That person never showed. I was lucky enough to eventually realize that life doesn't work that way, so now I'm trying to fix it. Of course, for people like us, it’s a hell of a lot harder to break through than it is for those born fighters, but I suppose it's still easier than just sitting there crying about how unfair everything is. Look, we could sit here and hand you all the secrets of the universe on a silver platter, but none of that matters if you think reading a few words is enough to make things happen while you wait for a miracle to drop from the sky. Nobody is telling you this is going to be easy, but it’s probably easier than you’re making it out to be. Just move. Do something, anything at all. You can't control the stuff that’s pure chance—you know, like a freak accident or a sudden death—but beyond those things, you actually have some say in your own life. If we set aside the random chaos of existence, I guess everyone is ultimately the architect of their own fate.

The idea of "natural fighters" isn't real. There are just people who were lucky enough during their upbringing to gain more confidence and self-respect than others, which helped them succeed. Sure, everyone is the architect of their own fortune, but let me ask you this: how many people who have dealt with abuse—in any form—actually manage to become successful today? And consider how much crap they had to swallow or how much therapy they had to go through to get there, compared to people who didn't have to deal with that.

crimsoncanyon2 said:Talk about a total lack of common sense... 🤦
Why on earth are you waiting for someone to come along, take you by the hand, and hand you a job? Brajo, pick up the phone, ask questions, reach out, show some damn initiative!!!!
A potential employer wants to see drive—not some person with zero motivation just sitting around waiting to collect a paycheck!!!
And as for those state training programs—since they're free, you've got absolutely nothing to lose... if the skill or knowledge they're offering isn't in demand today, who's to say it won't be next year, or next summer, or whenever...
Besides, any kind of training is a chance to network, and you never know who you might meet—someone might know someone who can help you get hired, give you a lead, or point you in the right direction...

If you don't start thinking more logically, you aren't going to find a wife at all...

And honestly, being communicative is a skill you can learn.

I never said I expected someone to lead me by the hand into a job. I'm just sick of sending out applications and emails into a void where nobody ever replies. Honestly, I find it hard to believe that at a massive corporation like Amazon, people are too lazy to hit reply. They have tools to send mass messages so they don't have to type a million times, so either they're incompetent with technology or it's just more corporate nonsense, which seems to be the standard in this country.
Besides, you don't even know me. In every job I've ever had, I didn't give 100%, I gave 1000%. Everyone else was standing around taking smoke breaks, but I wasn't—since I don't smoke—so theoretically, I was doing way more work than them. Or take the time I was five minutes late because of a subway delay (even though I leave early to account for that), and I immediately get grilled for it, while the local drunk shows up late every single day and sleeps through half his shift, yet he gets treated better than I do. I'm done with this crap. The level of frustration I feel is impossible to describe. Every cent I earn is hard-won; I didn't just "get" it like some people do. And let's talk about private employers in this country—they act like slave drivers. At companies like Walmart, they want you to work three jobs for minimum wage from dawn till dusk, and then they have the nerve to complain about money while driving a BMW Series 7, while I can barely afford a used Ford. On top of that, 90% of these places want one to two years of experience, which is a joke if they won't even give you a shot to begin with.
I'm honestly just over it all—work, dating, life, everything. If things keep going this way, I'm just going to check out for good. 🙂

ruggedheron10 said:Look, you’ve got zero backbone. You aren't persistent, and you tend to brush off good advice before you've even given it a fair shake—you can't know if something works until you actually try it. If the local community college offers you free training, go grab it. Seriously. And meeting people? Go grab a coffee with them; you might actually get to know someone better and stumble into a career path that usually costs a fortune. Personally, I'm leaning toward a sales manager role—I actually shelled out for an intensive management seminar at a firm like McKinsey $5000 just to see if it was worth the investment. Set some actual goals for your life and start checking them off. They don't have to be world-changing; just break them down into short-term (a month or so), long-term (one to five years), and maybe some weekly micro-tasks. Just be persistent and try to keep a positive mindset for once.

I looked into it, and "supposedly" it's free. But when she mentioned some kind of $10,000$16667 penalty the government uses to protect itself if you fail to complete the course, I couldn't say I was thrilled about it (mostly because I don't have that kind of money, and the specific course I was asking about—the one I'd actually pay for privately—certainly doesn't cost that much). I wasn't rejecting anyone's advice; it just seems like that's how everyone is interpreting my position...

And just to be clear, I’m not lacking a social circle for weekend partying, nor am I really into getting drunk—honestly, I probably only drink maybe three or four times a year total. I think it's pretty silly for society to generalize everyone like that; I refuse to believe that every social group out there works that way. What I actually want is a girlfriend I can head out to a club or a dance floor with every now and then, and friends I can grab coffee, catch a movie, or grab some pizza with...

crimsoncanyon2 said:Oh, please—what did you expect, to start out as the CEO of SpaceX??
There are plenty of people who pulled themselves through college by working soul-crushing, entry-level jobs way below their actual intelligence or skill level, and eventually worked their way up to a decent position...
Given the "wonderful" circumstances you're trying to claw your way out of, there are really only two things that can help you: money or connections (though let's be honest, connections usually just boil down to money anyway)...

Why on earth do you only have until thirty? You're a man; you can have kids well into your sixties if you want to.
Instead of whining about it when you should be hunting down any job possible—considering you only have a high school diploma, which I highly doubt qualifies you for anything prestigious—just look at the reality. You're young, and you're expected to grind for at least another 40 years before retirement...
Forty years is a long time... and if you actually want to move up (or find a job that pays better than the scraps you're looking at now), you need more education and capital. Instead of focusing on that, you're sitting here complaining. Instead of working and saving for a goal (even if you don't have one right now—you'll figure one out eventually), I'd bet my life that the core reason you're lonely is that you don't have a crew to grab a beer with on the weekends, which is basically the social standard for most teenagers...
You have no idea how much of an advantage you actually have. If I could go back to my early twenties, I would have saved every single penny like a miser and I certainly wouldn't have thought about getting married before thirty-five... let alone building these massive mental walls...

This is also pretty interesting and requires almost zero cost.

I never said I wanted to start out as some big director or anything; that’s not even on my radar. I just want a steady job with a regular paycheck... As for the education side of things, there isn't much I can do because I already missed that window. Even if I did another year to finish some program, I still wouldn't have the formal degree or the "paperwork" to show for it, so what's the point? It's like being a doctor without the credentials; nobody cares if you have the skills if you don't have the certificate. I looked into those vocational training programs at the local unemployment office, but people who finished them told me they didn't help either—they're still unemployed. So, it feels like a dead end. And regarding starting a family, I think you're wrong for several reasons. Just because you *can* have kids at 60 doesn't mean it's smart. I have to consider if I'll even live long enough to see them grow up, or if a partner could even handle a pregnancy at that age (since I won't be finding someone twenty years younger). Plus, by forty, I should probably have had my first girlfriend by then 😢 ... and I'm not sure being socially isolated is an advantage; for a lot of jobs, you actually need to be a people person, and I'm definitely not that type...

I don't know, maybe I can just put it this way: we’re all just different people living in different cities, leading completely different lives... Personally, I don't have anyone in the real world. About 90% of my existence happens online, and honestly, I'm exhausted by it. If I could change one thing, I'd actually want to see and hear the people I talk to (and no, I don't mean over Zoom). My only connection is my family, but I can't stand them because they've proven to me a million times over—through both their words and their actions—that they simply don't care about me, and that's never going to change. I've started calling them my "internet friends," because I don't really know how else to describe them. That's all they've ever been to me, since I've never actually seen or heard any of them in person.

Hannah Morris4 said:I wasn't necessarily talking about finding a girlfriend or starting a romance, but more about friendship, I guess. Like I mentioned before, it’s incredibly important that you don't feel isolated in all this, and you admitted yourself that you have this intense need to talk to someone, to open up, which is usually easiest when it's with a stranger—someone who doesn't know your history yet. For most people, it's easier to be vulnerable with a stranger because you aren't weighed down by what they already think of you or everything they already know about your life. I know it happens all the time where you meet someone great online who lives halfway across the country, but that isn't really the issue since support is support, whether you're talking via email or sitting face-to-face. My best friend lives hundreds of miles away, yet he's my biggest support system and one of the most vital people in my life. In times like these, I suppose one can actually be grateful for the internet. Besides, I don't know about you, but I personally find it much easier to communicate through email than in person; it’s just simpler to express certain thoughts that way. The main thing is just getting it out of your system. Write to someone, keep a journal, start a blog, whatever—just write, every day, ten times a day if you have to, just vent, because it might make things feel a little lighter, at least for a moment.

This might sound harsh, but I can't sugarcoat it no matter how hard I try... there was a time when I had plenty of those "internet friends" from various forums, chat rooms, online games, etc. But the end result? I never actually met any of them in person, nor did they ever want to meet up (I even asked some of the ones I felt closer to, and they weren't interested, even though we lived in the same city and didn't talk about the kind of deep stuff we're discussing here). I'm left with the impression that the old saying is true: "out of sight, out of mind."

crimsoncanyon2 said:Look, forget about chasing girls for a second—put those distractions on the back burner and start hunting for work...
Girls love going out to bars, hanging out, grabbing lattes, sodas... it’s a whole thing. If you want anything in life, you need cash—everything from a basic gym membership to a bus pass or gas for your car...
Get online, get focused, and actually look for jobs...
Honestly, with the way the economy is in the US right now, it doesn't even matter if you land a steady, corporate gig... if some under-the-table work pops up, take it—the main thing is having a stream of income. Start talking to people, ask around... what have you got to lose?
I felt the exact same way when I finished school... just like you...

I'm aware of all that (up until two months ago, I worked six months doing this thankless under-the-table job, but clearly I don't have a choice and have to take whatever 🙄 ) I always have to set something aside; I spend my whole life sacrificing things, but for what? I only have until I'm 30, and if I don't start a family then—meaning a wife and kids later on—it's likely I won't have one at all, and I'll spend my entire life alone (because I definitely don't want to be anywhere near "my family," meaning my parents and brother)

Hannah Morris4 said:First off, I honestly find it hard to believe there are people actually blaming you for this, let alone people constantly rubbing it in your face 🙂 Human stupidity really is just... infinite, I guess 🤦
It’s obvious this is eating you alive, and I can certainly understand why you feel this desperate need to punish yourself; I know a million of us could jump in here and tell you that you aren't actually at fault and that punishing yourself is pointless, that you just need to move on with your life and all that, but maybe that won't be enough to actually get you moving, at least not permanently. I suppose the cards just fell in such a way that this happened at the worst possible moment, making it incredibly difficult for you to find people to connect with or anyone who could actually help you out. On top of all that, you didn't have any support from your family, which I think is really the crux of the whole issue. I imagine things might be even a tiny bit easier right now, and you might actually be able to break out of this stalemate, if they had been standing by you. But they weren't. So, what now? Just sit there and cry because life treated you like garbage? Come on, think about it, it doesn't really make sense, does it? What is that actually going to achieve? Things can just keep getting worse every single day. And what happens if you dig deep, find that last shred of strength, and actually try to move forward? You might just feel better. Nobody can guarantee that you will, obviously, but you won't know unless you try. Of course, you can't do this alone. Even the biggest optimist would need some kind of help to crawl out of a hole like this, much less someone like you who seems to be their own worst enemy. Because of that, I guess your first step has to be finding someone you can finally open up to, someone you can actually bond with and let them truly see who you are. Once you manage to pull that off, everything we're talking about here will feel a whole lot easier. I realize it isn't easy to find someone like that, especially if you're from a small town or somewhere isolated, but it isn't impossible. You could try looking here. There are more lonely people on this forum than you probably realize, and maybe there's someone out there waiting specifically for you—you never really know what tomorrow might bring 😉

I'm aware of all that, I'm just exhausted... nothing ever goes right, no matter how hard I try... I've given up on trying to meet girls online (because it's always the same story: either they ghost me for no reason I can figure out, or they don't like me, or we hit it off but live 200+ miles apart and it still leads nowhere 😢).

crimsoncanyon2 said:You know, there are times when finding the right words to express how you actually feel is just impossible—and in those moments, a simple, warm human touch can change everything. I’m talking about something genuinely kind and non-sexual... it’s crazy how much that kind of connection can drain the destructiveness out of someone, or even flip the script and turn it into something productive..
Sometimes we just crave a real connection with other people, but actually getting close to someone feels daunting because of our own internal baggage and mental walls. But honestly? That's something you can overcome if you start slowly—just gradually letting someone in, skin to skin, until you're truly under their guard...

😢

crimsoncanyon2 said:Do you even remember the last time someone actually showed you some affection? I mean, like, a genuine touch—something akin to how people pet their favorite little cat at home?

not really...

Gerald Martin2 said:I might sound like I’m being overprotective or acting like one of your parents here, but honestly, you're just avoiding taking responsibility for this.☕

My mom definitely wouldn't care about this, so it's not like I'm looking for sympathy... And calling it an escape from responsibility? I was actually the first one in my group to get a job. As soon as I graduated high school, I started hunting immediately and landed something, but then the company went under just a few months later. That's why all my plans to move out and start over fell through.

crimsoncanyon2 said:What exactly are you trying to get at there? That someone should just wish they could kill themselves???
Look, honey, I don't think you're some potential suicide risk because of guilt; rather, you sound like someone stuck in a depression, digging through the past looking for a "culprit"—basically searching for a reason for this current state you're in, and potentially where you'll be in the future too... Depression, or this kind of mental numbness, feels to me like being stuck in a desert without a single fertile oasis—a chronic lack of hydration, which is basically a metaphor for emotions. It’s that characteristic, almost dead expression on the face—like someone on their deathbed or drifting into a deep sleep—coupled with a total lack of vitality, a sense of futility, and a will that only exists for basic, animalistic survival. There's no interest in the future, no joy in the present, and an absolute inability to connect with anyone else....

That isn't necessarily true, because you aren't accounting for the factor of "being afraid they won't be able to control themselves"... that is a completely different psychological state than those terrified OCD sufferers...
Just try to imagine how many times an average "serial killer" had to fight their own nature to stay in control, even though for them, something like a violent outburst would feel like the most natural thing in the world...

Maybe you have a point, but then why do I feel so miserable... (sad, unhappy, unloved, just plain miserable...) I don't know about the dehydration thing, but my mouth is always dry...

Harold Gray97 said:So, where exactly is your fault in this? Do you honestly believe you are somehow guilty simply because you were the one who survived?
And who is it that is casting blame upon you for his passing?🙂It truly infuriates me.
The truth is, you might not have been able to save him even if you were twenty years old, let alone ten.☕
I spent years training as a swimmer and even served as a coach for a time.
I am an exceptionally strong swimmer; I even swam for the national team. On several occasions, I have attempted to rescue people, and I can tell you firsthand how incredibly difficult it is to fight against both the current and the person you are trying to save. There was one instance where I actually had to strike a young man in the head—quite forcefully, I might add—just to gain enough leverage to reach him. He was lifeless when I finally pulled him out, leaving me wondering whether I had killed him or merely knocked him unconscious. In the end, he was just unconscious.
What is wrong with you? Water is a marvel, a wonder. I adore it, but I never, ever dive into unknown waters. I make it a point to survey the area first; only then do I allow myself to become "friends" with it.
I would never jump into a river, because moving water can sweep you into something dangerous in a matter of minutes.
Please, stop blaming yourself. I say this with full authority because I know exactly what it means to attempt a rescue and understand the sheer physical and mental strength required for such a feat. In those moments, you aren't just fighting the resistance of the water and the struggle of the victim; you are carrying the crushing weight of their life on your shoulders.
At ten years old, you can barely save yourself. You are not at fault, believe me. Even I would have struggled immensely with a ten-year-old. Please, take my words to heart.☕
You mentioned that you are dealing with other issues as well. Please, talk about them.
Be happy.🙂

His family blames me, and my own family doesn't believe me (based on what they've told me)... as for the bigger issues where it all starts and ends... I feel like I have nobody, and I haven't achieved anything in my life, nor does it feel like I ever will. What am I supposed to do if I don't know which direction to take and I can't afford anything (classes, training, etc.)? My sleep is terrible; I wake up feeling broken, with aches in my neck, arms, and shoulders—everything except my legs hurts. I hate my family, but I'm forced to live with them because I have no way to leave. To them, I'm never really myself; I'm just the one who's always stupid, clumsy, or whatever, and that's never going to change. No matter where I go outside, I feel like an alien, like I don't belong anywhere. I don't know what to do or where to go. My heart races whenever I'm out—usually, I just go from point A to point B because I need a specific destination so I don't wander aimlessly. Sometimes I'll go for a walk in the woods nearby, mostly in the evening, just so no one sees me crying. I spend so much time arguing with myself, trapped in my own head and my own feelings.

copperwalker6 said:Ever thought about moving? Maybe head to a different city for college or just find a better gig somewhere else.

I’ve thought about moving, honestly, but how am I supposed to change my location when I don't have any money? The only move I can afford is heading to a homeless shelter, because there isn't really any other option... College isn't on the table since I only finished a three-year vocational program (and I definitely can't afford tuition anyway). As for manual labor, I'm searching constantly, and I'm already exhausted from the endless cycle of applications, calls, and interviews. It's always the same story: they need someone with two to five years of experience, as if that just grows on trees. I'll take anything at this point—anything not related to my specific trade, though I'd rather do anything else than sales rep work.

Harold Gray97 said:Allow me to attempt an explanation.
To forgive yourself means to accept the reality of what transpired or what you did.
Consider this: once you shatter a glass, it remains broken; there is nothing you can do to revert it to its former state. Your only recourse is to purchase a new one.
Mistakes function in much the same way. Once they occur, they are finalized; no amount of regret will erase them as if they never existed. However, we can choose to acknowledge them as part of our truth and strive to dwell on them less, until, eventually, the thoughts cease altogether.
The sentiment I expressed is a fundamental truth: "what could not be, simply could not be."
In that specific instant when you made a mistake—assuming that is indeed what happened—it was bound to happen exactly as it did, and no other outcome was possible.
I am unsure how much you believe in destiny, but I am firmly convinced that nothing happens by mere coincidence; everything we experience serves a purpose.
We see it all the time: people flee war-torn nations seeking refuge in a free country like the United States, only to perish in a car accident shortly after arriving.
Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that it wasn't your choice, but rather determined by the moment of your birth, the circumstances of your arrival here, and the path laid out for you.
Look at the world around us. There are individuals who have committed unspeakable evils yet never faced consequences, living comfortable lives entirely devoid of conscience. Conversely, there are those who spent their lives performing acts of pure good, helping everyone in sight, only to die prematurely in the prime of their lives. Who is to blame?
That, precisely, is what it means to forgive oneself. Honestly, I could spend days writing about this topic.
Please, continue to write; believe me, it will bring you a great deal of relief.☕
I don't know the specifics of what you did, but you were only ten years old.
Beyond that, it seems to me that your life has been a true living hell.🙂

What happened was he started drowning, and I jumped in after him to help, but I clearly wasn't enough. He drowned, and I almost went down with him... they actually had to pull me out.

crimsoncanyon2 said:If things are truly as you described, I’d be waiting for any chance for you to talk about it and dive into those feelings—especially here, in a place like this where you're completely anonymous and nobody knows who you are...

Why do you think that is? And what exactly am I supposed to say? (I don't owe you an apology here). Just because I'm anonymous doesn't mean there isn't a lot to discuss. Not using my real name doesn't change the fact that the people affected by what happened are still out there. For what it's worth, that friend I lost had a family and two younger sisters; they're around 15 or 16 now, and they probably know their way around a computer, so I wouldn't be surprised if they were browsing this forum too. Besides, there are countless people you pass on the street every day who are suffering internally and eventually end up committing suicide, and you'd never even know. I can type I'm sorry, but those words don't carry much weight here when the person on the other side might be laughing, crying, or simply not caring at all. Since I can't see them and they can't see me, it's different. If I said it to someone's face, I'd see exactly what they're thinking or feeling...

Harold Gray97 said:If you were to place thirty people in the exact same critical crisis, not one of those thirty would react in the same way. There will be a distinction in at least one detail.
You have to understand something: none of us are infallible. Every single one of us has made a catastrophic error at least once, and someone suffered because of it. Whether that suffering is great or small is merely a matter of the specific circumstances we found ourselves in at that moment.
Quite often, in moments of extreme stress, our reactions are the polar opposite of how we would behave under normal conditions. This weighs on us for years, and we never truly forget, yet we must find a way to forgive ourselves. We have to realize that these are extraordinary moments where reason is often obscured, as if shrouded by a thick curtain of smoke.
I can think of countless examples, but I will offer you a few.
There was a man who lost his father. Everyone gathered to handle the heavy lifting and the necessary arrangements. While the rest of the family wept, he simply sat there, applying cream to his shoes and polishing them for a long, long time. Several people tried to tell him to stop, but he wouldn't listen. Later, he could never forgive himself for acting that way.
Or consider a man whose child was choking on a piece of candy; in a moment of pure panic, he thrust the child into his wife's arms because he simply didn't know what to do. Fortunately, she remained composed, reacted brilliantly, and saved the child. Even today, he breaks down in tears when he recounts it.
Then there was a woman who should have helped a child hit by a car, but she was paralyzed by the fear of getting blood on her vehicle. In truth, she wasn't even conscious of her actions, and the child was already gone. Had she actually driven toward them, she likely would have realized the horror halfway there, potentially leading to a much greater tragedy for everyone involved. She was haunted by it for years.
Those are the so-called smoke curtains that cloud our judgment. We aren't to blame, because in those moments, we are effectively absent.
What happened to you is something you will never forget, but you absolutely must forgive yourself.
Forgive yourself, because what couldn't be, simply could not be. Believe me, you are not alone. We all carry a weight of guilt for things that, for whatever reason, were entirely beyond our control.

I've heard "forgive yourself" plenty of times, but what does that actually mean? I can say the words, but it doesn't feel like it means anything to me...

crimsoncanyon2 said:So, you mean since you were ten, you haven't been able to form an emotional bond with anyone else?

Yeah, pretty much.