7 posts shown.
Drew Bennett21 said:So, how are things going with your sister lately?
I was just wondering, how is she handling all the money stuff for her college tuition?
Do you think you could maybe write her an email? I mean, you’re honestly so good at putting your feelings into words, it’s pretty obvious since you always express everything you're going through so clearly.
And do you think she’d be able to give you some support right now?
We’re very close. We talk every day, and she’s a huge source of support for me. That said, I don't tell her everything—specifically regarding the vomiting or binge eating, though she knows bits and pieces. Over the holidays, she noticed things were getting serious; she actually suggested I might be dealing with mild depression and urged me to seek help. So, I've decided to see a campus counselor tomorrow, since yesterday was my breaking point. I took some pills and slept the entire day away. I promised myself I'll never do that again. Not ever.
As for her college costs, my parents cover her tuition. In her situation, there really isn't any other option.
crimsoncanyon2 said:And why on earth do you think your weight is such a massive deal?
Do you honestly believe you don't have any other qualities to attract people besides your size—or more likely, just your looks?
I’m asking this because of this comment:
Your issue isn't the weight; your real problem is that you lack genuine friendships, you've emotionally checked out from your close family because they expect too much, and you are being freaking brutal on yourself...
If you could just occasionally forgive yourself for gaining 10 or 15 pounds due to the season or just being busy studying—which really isn't the end of the world—you wouldn't feel the need to hide away at home, and you wouldn't be adding all this extra misery on top of it...
Clearly, exercise does you good, so maybe just lean into that...
I still haven't been able to figure out if you're overeating out of sheer boredom or because of anxious hunger pangs?
And are you purging out of guilt because you "let yourself go" too much, or is it an attempt to mask your internal mental state and dissatisfaction from the outside?
Please, just answer me...
I believe you're struggling with the stress of having to be somewhere and do things—living in a city that doesn't suit you and attending a college you aren't even sure you're interested in (mostly just to satisfy your parents)—all while being unable to talk to them about any of it and having to pretend everything is perfectly fine...
Besides, wouldn't this whole situation be a lot less unbearable if you had managed to find a crew at that college that actually fits you, so you could support one another? Wouldn't it?
If I were in your shoes, I'd take a long, hard look at how much I actually care about this degree and future career versus how much of this is just about the people and your struggle to adapt to new circumstances...
If you actually *do* like the major, isn't there a chance to transfer to the same program somewhere else in the States, maybe in a city where the environment feels better?
You have to solve this question before you give up:
Is the problem the actual studies, or is the problem that the people associated with the school and the living situation make you hate the whole experience?
Is this urge you have to just quit—or maybe just hit the pause button—actually a genuine expression of what you want, or is it something else entirely?
First of all, thank you all so much for the advice and support.
I should clarify that lately, purging hasn't been the main issue;
rather, it's an obsession with food and binge eating.
Purging was happening because of feelings of rejection and my own restlessness
and internal anxiety. Occasionally, guilt would surface,
but not nearly as much as everything else tied to external factors
like the inability to resolve my own inner turmoil.
Last year, I tried to transfer to another city where my sister goes to school,
but because of my financial situation (I would have had to pay tuition or whatever they call it there, whereas here I study for free). What is worst of all, and what eats at me day after day, is the fact that I can't concentrate or study because my parents are constantly in my head, and I worry about how much money they are giving me just so I can become someone—basically, so I can get my life together.
I don't know what to tell you; it was the same situation again this morning. Right now, I'm living in an apartment
where I don't feel comfortable. My roommate is not my type; she brings so much negative energy into my life.
The problem is that I've forgotten what it feels like to live and actually have inner peace.
Kyle Harris7 said:Look, you have to become your own ultimate power source. People drift in and out of your life constantly, but you’re the only constant you’ve got. That’s the bedrock of independence and real character—it's what lets you tune out the toxic noise from everyone else.
How do you actually build that? You can work with a therapist. Honestly, that should be one of the main goals of therapy: learning that you have the tools to solve your own problems.
Trust me, I went through psychotherapy myself, and it didn't take long before things started clicking. It gave me the confidence to actually get my life together. The only rule is you have to be completely transparent. Don't hold anything back. These professionals are legally bound by confidentiality, so just lay it all out there and be as detailed as possible about what's going on.
How long were you in therapy?
Is it expensive or what?
A girl I know saw a counselor at her university and said the exact same thing—it helped her immensely. 🙂
Kyle Harris7 said:Look, you basically answered your own question. Your problem is that one specific thing from your past that left a massive scar you can't just scrub away. Everything you're doing to yourself right now is just a fallout from that moment. Until you deal with that head-on, you aren't moving forward—your endless cycle of failed attempts proves it. You know this deep down. You need to pin down exactly what happened, how it messed you up, and how to fix it.
Also, since you brought up suicidal thoughts, I have to suggest getting professional help. Even if you backed away from the edge in time, it shows you're drowning in the aftermath of whatever happened. Your eating habits—the starving followed by the bingeing—are red flags too. Those might be issues on their own, but they all stem from the same dark root.
As for fixing this, you really need to see someone. You have to realize that nobody else in this world matters as much as you do. Who cares what people think if doing this actually fixes your life, brings back your happiness, and gets you back on track? Honestly, you should be proud of wanting to change; it shows you actually give a damn about yourself. Think about how much better things will be on the flip side. Imagine a future where you're actually happy. You're clearly a social person, and I truly believe you'll find a solid circle of friends—maybe even a good guy—one day, so don't lose hope. And if people in your town won't stop talking? You're young. Once you finish college, you can just grab a job and start a whole new life far away from all of them.
Should you tell your parents? From what I gather, you didn't explain why you dropped out of college well enough, so their reaction ended up being pretty ridiculous. And regarding those "expectations" you mentioned—every decent set of parents has expectations. The question is whether they're overdoing it. But since you didn't give them the full story, I can't tell you exactly how they'll react, but here are two ways to look at it:
Don't say anything if you're certain they'll just judge you or try to ban you from seeing a therapist.
Do tell them if you think they'll actually listen and support you.
The bottom line is you're doing this for you and your health—both mental and physical, because your body eventually keeps score of all that weight fluctuation. Your parents and your hometown shouldn't have any say in this decision. They're just background noise.
I will definitely seek some help.
I'm aware of everything you wrote, Kyle Harris7. Regarding my parents, the thing is I don't live with them. Since I have a lot of freedom and am not overly tied to them, I don't share most of this with them. It feels stupid to "drop the bomb" now after being silent for so long. It’s not that they haven't noticed something is wrong, but there's always that tendency with them: "you'll figure it out yourself."
fadedbear92 said:You absolutely need to get professional help—don't let the shame stop you, because that feeling will fade as you work through therapy, and that's what really matters! Be brave, you can do this!
Thanks, Rejoflajt.
You have no idea the kind of fear I'm dealing with or how much it weighs on me.
I just can't do this anymore. Every single day is the same.
😕
Drew Bennett21 said:Hey sweetie,
you should really head over to the campus counselor.
And please, don't feel any kind of shame about it—honestly, helping people through stuff like this is literally what they're trained for, and besides, they’re legally required to keep everything you tell them strictly confidential.
Is there maybe a bigger city nearby you could hop on an Amtrak to reach, just in case it feels a little easier to seek out therapy there instead?
Just hang in there, okay?
The fact that you even reached out here shows me how much you truly want to get better, so seriously, bravo to you!
Please try to grab some professional help right away, before things start feeling way too heavy to carry.
I'm rooting for you so hard.
Thanks, Drew Bennett21. Honestly, I'm just a college student living on a shoestring budget; barely enough for groceries, let alone a train ticket. It's too complicated.
Do you think I should tell my parents? They have no idea what's going on. I'm also worried about how to bring up seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist—having to go to a GP for a referral feels daunting, especially since I live in a tiny town where news travels fast. I know someone who went to therapy and had a short hospital stay, and the whole town was talking about it within hours.
Hi..
I've been thinking about joining this forum for days now. It seems everyone here is actually engaged and offers real advice. I’m looking for some honest, objective perspective and advice...
I'm a college student who moved out at fourteen. I lived in a dorm and life was pretty carefree until I turned eighteen, when one specific event changed everything. That's when the struggle with weight began. There were periods where I worked out constantly and watched every bite, followed by phases where I would spiral and overeat until I hit a breaking point of physical discomfort and total self-loathing. Later, I moved to a different city for university and started a completely new life. That’s when the loneliness, isolation, and anxiety set in. I thought I was someone who could adapt to anything, so I assumed this was just a passing phase. But the days passed, and my dissatisfaction only grew. I hated the city I moved to; I went to class, but only because I felt I had to distract myself from my own head. Then came the first episodes of purging and crying. I remember it vividly. On my birthday, sitting alone in the kitchen, listening to music and just weeping... then suddenly heading to the bathroom to purge. That lasted three months. The worst part was going home to visit family and having to hide in the bathroom, trying to purge quietly to mask my frustration. I never told them anything; they always had such high expectations of me. When I told my mom I wanted to drop out of school, take a gap year, and figure things out, she just called me a coward for giving up before even trying. Everything shifted again after winter break. I started exercising again, tried to be social, and focused on my studies. My confidence returned. A month later, through a series of events, I moved into an apartment with a roommate, found a boyfriend, and things seemed to improve. As the days went by, I lost weight. I went from 150 lbs down to 136 lbs in four months. It wasn't just diet; I was obsessed with working out. My roommate actually told me she was worried because it looked like I was starving myself. She even mentioned anorexia a few times. I wasn't aiming for that; I just finally felt good about myself. Eventually, I broke up with my boyfriend, moved out due to the distance, and took a summer job. I met new people, a new guy, and fell back into a routine without the exercise. In fact, I started binge eating constantly, though I didn't care at the time. Within a few months, the weight was back—from 135 up to 150. Summer ended, I broke up with the guy because I wanted something serious and he didn't, and all those "friends" I met over the summer vanished; they were just acquaintances. I spiraled right back into the cycle of binging and purging. I'd go to the grocery store, buy nothing but junk food, gorge myself, and then purge multiple times in a single day. For the entire month of December, I didn't attend lectures or see anyone; I just ate and stayed shut in. My daily routine was waking up (praying I wouldn't), hitting a bakery, interacting only virtually because I'm terrified of being judged by people, eating, and occasionally purging amidst feelings of sadness, disappointment, and anxiety. My grades tanked; I really let myself down. During the holidays, I practically stuffed myself constantly. I was eating every thirty minutes if not less. I hit 170 lbs. Whenever my mom or anyone at home asks what's wrong, I stay silent and pretend everything is fine. The words just won't come out. Now, I have no energy left, and I know I'm responsible for this. Sometimes suicidal thoughts cross my mind because I feel like I can't open up to anyone. I see the negative in everything. I joined a gym two days ago, but I have zero motivation. I find myself reading about different ways to end it online, wishing I had the courage to do it so I wouldn't have to worry about my parents. I have no will to live. Please, if you can give me any advice. I know killing myself or grieving every day isn't the solution, but I'm just exhausted. I don't know what's happening to me; it feels like I'm running in circles. I'm fighting myself every day, and I'm genuinely scared I might do something drastic. I've reached for pills twice, but I stopped because of the sheer panic and the "what if I survive" feeling. I don't have friends I can talk to, and even if I did, I don't think I'm good company. I can't even bring myself to laugh sincerely anymore. I thought about seeking professional help, but my current roommate's brother works at the local psychiatric hospital, which is the only facility in my city, and I'm too ashamed to go there. Maybe a campus counselor? I am so ashamed of myself. My self-esteem is at zero. Everything is a struggle, and I don't know how to find motivation when I can't even stand myself.
Please help. I would be truly grateful to everyone. 😢