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I remember how happy I was on my own before this; I truly didn't feel like I needed anyone. Now, suddenly, I’m "dependent" on someone else. I honestly thought I could just handle my own issues as they came. I know, I know—bottling everything up isn't healthy and keeping people out doesn't help, but I just didn't want to burden anyone with my baggage. Part of it was also an attempt to be more self-reliant, to find a sense of independence so I wouldn't have to worry about whether someone only sticks around when things are going well. I didn't want to face any more disappointments. Anyway, the bottom line is that I've got an appointment with a therapist tomorrow through my insurance, and I just want to feel better, regardless of what happens. Thanks for all the advice. : )
Thank you all for the responses. I actually went to see a psychologist once, but I didn't tell her that my boyfriend was being abusive; I just said I was struggling with stress. She advised me to go to the ER, where there happened to be a psychiatrist on duty. It wasn't comfortable at all. I just kept crying and couldn't even explain what was happening or piece together a coherent story. I agree with everything the doctor told me, though. I have a feeling he saw right away that I'm terrified of the breakup and that if I don't, it'll be incredibly hard to leave him. He told me to come back if I had more trouble, but I didn't go back because I just felt so uneasy after that first visit.
When I’m feeling low, it's so hard to admit that what happened was actual abuse. There are days when I feel wonderful, and then I start thinking maybe I just imagined how bad things were. I’ve actually written down those depressive moments in a journal—what I was thinking and feeling—because I struggle to believe myself. Sometimes I doubt that those days were truly as dark as I recorded them.
I know I won't find a solution on a forum, but it feels easier to describe the situation here. Maybe I'll stumble upon some wise advice or an explanation for why I act this way. I think I'm a little scared to see a therapist; I really don't want to be put on medication, and I worry it won't even help. I'm also afraid a psychologist will judge me or expect me to feel better immediately, like they're just checking a box to finish their workday. I don't even know how to work on my self-esteem—I'll look for that in another thread. I figure if I improve my confidence, I might finally be able to stop replying to his messages. But just thinking about never responding to him makes me feel so incredibly alone. I often think that nobody understands me quite like he does, and that I'll never meet anyone else like him. Andrew Doyle, I am such a mess... trying to sort through these emotions, I feel everything at once, but mostly just a deep regret that I have to fight through this entirely on my own.
As for my parents, we've never been that close. They actually see the whole thing for what it is—they know he's a jerk. But they think I'm a liar because after certain outbursts, I'd end up seeing him again while telling them it was over. I guess it was just so hard to be alone and I had no one to talk to. After everything he put me through, he was the one comforting me. Now, when I think back on it, I start thinking about how "good" he was. He helped me so much when I was venting about how lonely and out of place I felt at home. The guy who was calling me names and threatening me just a few days ago is now the one consoling me because I'm struggling with the aftermath of his own behavior. Who is the crazy one here? I think I stayed because, in those moments, it truly felt like he was helping me. I wonder if he wasn't even there just so I wouldn't break. My parents just attacked me; they expected it to be easy to walk away from someone I've put on such a pedestal. I used to be so insecure, and he was the only person I felt close to, even if I thought I was close to my girlfriends. With him, it was just us, and he pulls you into his own insecurities until he starts insulting you. You don't expect that from someone you love; instead, you find yourself making excuses for them. He insults you and then comforts you, and you just fall deeper into the trap because there's no one else close enough to help.
Why do I feel so secure with someone even after they act like this, knowing it will happen again? Why can't I just say enough? If only he would be the one to say it, everything would be so much easier. Who else feels this way?? Yes, I am scared to go to a psychologist in some way.
I know what’s causing my depression. I haven't seen a doctor yet, but I recognize the signs in myself based on everything I've read and heard from others. My main struggle right now is this: why can't I just admit to myself that I was in an abusive relationship, close that chapter, and finally move on?
He insulted me, harassed me, and we had physical fights that required the police to get involved. I’m a sensitive person, and all of this has shaken me to my core. I’ve definitely had nervous breakdowns, and looking back, I think it's fair to say I'm dealing with some mental health struggles. The thing is, I haven't actually ended things yet. During the relationship, I lost my friends, and when my family tried to help, they didn't always handle it well—they mostly just blamed me for letting it happen. I've been fighting this battle entirely on my own, and now I want to fix it once and for all. Even though I know exactly how he treated me, I still can't stop reaching out to him. Sometimes I just contact him to tell him to leave me alone, and it gives me a temporary sense of relief. I know my self-esteem is shot, but why can't I just say "enough" after everything he put me through? I refuse to admit I was in such a toxic relationship because I loved him too much. Why am I still talking about a person who mentally destroyed me and pushed me to the brink of insanity? I keep telling myself this shouldn't have happened to me. I suppress the reality of his actions until I almost forget, and then I find myself thinking maybe he’s changed—even though I know he hasn't.
It's clear from my posts that I'm struggling deeply with self-respect. I'm saying this upfront so the "know-it-alls" don't jump in to lecture me about things they've never experienced or call me stupid. I never thought I'd let anyone treat me like this, but I guess I'm just vulnerable. I was searching for a sense of security that I was terrified to lose, and out of pure shame, I kept it all a secret. I won't be able to move forward unless I end this relationship for good, but I don't know how to reach the point where I truly realize he isn't for me. I need to see that he isn't my safety net. I need to reach a place where I genuinely want to leave, rather than staying and later regretting what I could have had—knowing deep down I'll end up with nothing. I know I'm being contradictory. If anyone here understands this feeling, I would be so grateful for any advice on how to build my strength, cut ties forever, and finally feel nothing for him.
Ending the relationship is the first step toward feeling better.