Posts by Lawrence Peterson66

That’s exactly why I reached out to you. I know how isolating it feels when you think you're the only one going through this and you have no one to turn to. 🙂
I didn't really have anyone either; my friend group graduated way before me. I felt too ashamed to vent about my stress regarding exams and college to them, since they were all "on track" while I felt like such a failure. 😁
Honestly, I did feel like a total loser for a while—which was confusing to everyone else because I was always a top student and I've been working in my field for years now.
I couldn't even talk to a close friend who was actually in a similar boat, but she just wouldn't touch the subject; it was too heavy for her. Even when I was taking that final exam, I couldn't lean on her because I was terrified my progress might make her feel worse about her own situation.

You already know what needs to happen. You know that you're the only one who can cross that finish line, provided you take that first step. The issue is just that fear paralyzing you. I think it’s a huge win that you’ve started opening up here on the forum. It means you're finally done sweeping things under the rug. 😉

Regarding dealing with the administration—my advisor at the registrar's office is lovely, but I had a really unpleasant run-in with the department secretary when I went to ask about extending my enrollment status. I wasn't demanding anything, just inquiring. Long story short, she absolutely tore me apart and was incredibly rude about how long I'd been in school. I just shrunk back, politely thanked her for her time, and told her she didn't need to be so disrespectful.
To be honest, after keeping my cool like that, I ended up breaking down in tears in the lecture hall. 😁 No one had ever treated me like a "lost cause" before. But then I went home, and by the next morning, I was studying. 🤣 In a weird way, I'm actually grateful for that push.

I promise you, whatever reaction you get from the university, it will likely be the catalyst you need to move forward. And if it is negative? It won't matter in the long run. I actually laugh whenever I think about that secretary now.
Plus, I ran into some of my professors, and they were incredibly kind. They just told me they understood how hard it is to "get back in the saddle" and emphasized that what matters is finishing, not the timeline.

I haven't solved everything yet, as I mentioned. Everything just looks a lot less bleak than it did before.
I truly believe you can tackle this one step at a time. Breaking it down makes it much less intimidating.
Feel free to post here whenever you feel alone. 😉

steelpanther11 said:I haven't been back on this therapy couch for a while...

So, do you ever get that feeling—that sinking, gut-wrenching sensation—that life is just rushing past you? Like you’re standing perfectly still, paralyzed, and you keep tripping over the same old bullshit and obstacles because you simply won't move? And then what follows? Just the endless cycle of whining, retreating into myself, crying, wrapping myself in blankets, and just wishing I could vanish into thin air...

That's exactly where I am right now. It’s one step forward, five steps back. My drive to actually *live* has hit absolute zero; I’m basically running on autopilot at this point. Nothing brings me long-term joy anymore—it’s all just fleeting moments or little situations that make me laugh for a second before the void returns. To everyone else looking in, I seem fine. I look successful, put-together, perfect... but they don't see who I really am inside. Half of that "perfect" persona is just a lie I manufactured to avoid unnecessary questions and awkward conversations. And friends? I don't have any real ones. Not even one single person I can turn to when I feel like I'm on the razor's edge of a nervous breakdown, a panic attack, or hyperventilating into a paper bag... there's nobody to grab a coffee with, sit down, and just let it all out. I don't have those people. Meanwhile, the social circles I run in absolutely adore me—everyone loves having me around because I play the entertainer, at least until my depressive phases kick in. But God, there is such a massive gap between who I am for the world and who I am for myself... I honestly don't know what is happening to me. I love my university, but then there's this final chance to pass a crucial exam, and I just... I can't get out of bed. I don't even bother showing up because I already know that professor isn't going to cut me any slack; once I face her, my mind goes totally blank. Every single semester, it's the same thing. And that exam is mandatory for enrollment, so I've basically been stuck in academic limbo for three years because I can't clear it. I'm volunteering at a microbiology lab right now—doing stuff I actually care about, not the stuff I'm supposed to be doing. But the school situation isn't even the biggest issue; it's the mountain of lies I've built around myself, the walls I've erected, and this crushing anxiety living in my chest. I love my parents more than anything—I'm an only child, and they adore me... I would do anything for them. But my dad is sick, battling lung cancer, and my grandmother passed away recently—she was my everything. Long story short, I've been stuck in this rut for so long, and I hate it. I'm terrified to even walk into the registrar's office because I'm scared of being told how bad things look or being kicked out. I'm too scared to even look my landlord in the eye because I'm behind on rent. I am just buried in this hole and I can't find the leverage to climb out. I draw, though. It's my hobby, it fulfills me, and I actually managed to make some money from it recently, which was great... but I still don't know how to fix this restlessness inside me, or how to just *start*. Nothing feels meaningful. I just want to run away from my problems, sweep them under the rug, and pretend they aren't there—only for them to come crashing back at me when the bill comes due. Honestly, there's probably no point even writing this here. Sorry for the rambling of a total mess... just another number in the crowd.

I hear you. I spent most of this year in that exact acute state—and even in milder forms, where those thoughts creep in occasionally, for several years now.

That’s exactly what’s happening to me... it’s one step forward, five steps back. My motivation for living has hit zero; I'm just living on autopilot. Nothing brings me long-term joy anymore—it's all just short-term distractions or things that make me laugh for a second. To everyone else, I look like I have it all together—successful and perfect—but they have no idea who I really am inside...

Think about it carefully—I don't want to play doctor here, but it's worth asking: do you think you might be depressed? I know I was, and I felt every single one of these things.

Half of it is a lie I've created about myself just to avoid unnecessary questions and conversations... I don't have any real friends. Not even one person I can turn to right now when I feel like I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown, having panic attacks or hyperventilating... there's nobody I can sit down with over coffee and just vent to. I don't have those people in my life. Meanwhile, the social circle I move in loves me; everyone enjoys being around me because I'm the life of the party—except when my depressive phases kick in...

Have you tried talking to any of them? It might surprise you.
I went through a period where I pulled away from everyone, too. When I was trying to figure out how to explain it to my close girlfriends, I decided to just be blunt: I told them I was struggling with depression. With two of them, I was actually scared of how they'd react. One is this incredibly strong woman who might see me as weak, and the other is such a pillar of positivity and willpower that she might think I'm exaggerating. But both were wonderful—they responded with nothing but understanding and support.
I'm definitely not the "life of the party" type; I usually act like the person who has their life figured out and is someone people should look up to (yeah, right).

I don't even know what's happening to me... I love my major, but then comes my last chance to pass a class, and I can't even get out of bed to go to the exam. I already know that professor won't give me a break; once I see her, my mind goes blank, and it's like that every semester. And that's the one exam I need to stay enrolled. I've basically been stuck in limbo at the university for three years because I haven't passed it... I'm volunteering at a research lab instead, doing work that actually interests me... not the work I'm supposed to be doing...

It’s the exact same thing. I spent all my energy on work and hobbies just to avoid tackling those final credits to finish my degree. I used to be such a top student, too. Honestly, just thinking about campus or walking past the university would trigger a full-blown panic attack. I couldn't even bring myself to check the college portal because I was terrified of seeing some bad news. And I'm definitely not alone in this—I have a close friend who is still stuck in that same cycle. Thankfully, I finally decided to get my act together this year.
I know how tough this is, and I truly get where you're coming from. It’s easy to feel that weight of guilt or just feel completely lost about why things happened the way they did. For me, everything changed one morning when I finally decided to sit down and prep for my final exam. Even though the panic hit hard during those first couple of days, I started feeling better and better once I realized I could actually do this. At the end of the day, I was my own biggest—and honestly, most imaginary—obstacle.
Just try to get started. Set a daily goal for how many hours you need to study. If you can just push past those initial waves of panic, things will eventually start to click. 🙂

I’ve been stuck in this rut for way too long, and honestly, I hate it. I feel paralyzed by the fear of asking my manager for an update at work, worrying they might just tell me I'm being let go. On top of that, I can barely look my landlord in the eye because I'm behind on rent. It feels like I'm trapped in a hole I just can't climb out of.

Just head to the doctor's office. Seriously, just go, get it done, and follow their lead—you’ll feel so much better afterward. Trust me on this one. I was terrified before my own appointment, but it turned out to be way easier than I expected.

I’m honestly struggling to find my footing right now. I can't seem to shake this restlessness, and finding any sense of purpose feels impossible. My instinct is just to run away from everything—to sweep my problems under the rug—but then they all come crashing back at once when the consequences finally catch up to me.

I get it. Sometimes these issues feel so massive and overwhelming that you just want to run away from them. But clearly, running doesn't work—they always catch up to you. It can feel like you've taken a wrong turn and there's no way back, but don't let that paralyze you. Just pick one thing to tackle first. You can't solve everything at once, so start with college.

There’s really no point in even posting here. My apologies for the rambling nonsense from an insignificant guy like me...

It makes sense. It’s clear some people are actually paying attention. 🙂
I might not be the perfect example just yet; I'm still finding my footing. 🙂 Now, I actually feel like we might finally be able to stay afloat.

Student employment programs exist specifically so students can balance work and academics. So, yes, you can absolutely hold down a part-time job while attending classes, provided your schedule allows for it. And yes, it’s completely legal, of course 🙂

Regarding the lack of support... I know it hurts when they seem indifferent. Just try not to rely on their validation.
Is it possible you're asking too much of them? It seems like they're going through a lot—they're exhausted, stressed, maybe dealing with a sick parent or family struggles... Life has probably been hitting them hard and left them feeling numb. They might not be in the right headspace to participate in your photography project the way you want, or to offer the kind of constructive criticism you're looking for. Honestly, I don't know anyone whose parents act like that.

I say this because I wouldn't want to jump to conclusions and assume they're being closed off or dismissing what matters to you.
But you know your situation better than anyone. If they fall into this second category, you should start training yourself now not to look to them for pride or approval. Once you stop expecting it and accept things as they are, the disappointment will fade, and things will get a little easier for you.

What are your chances of landing a scholarship? Federal, state, anything at all?

I actually made it through thanks to a federal grant. I lived in a dorm in Washington, D.C., which covered basically all my living expenses, supplemented by the occasional bit of cash from my parents or grandparents.

Back when I started college, the dorm situation was also pretty terrible, though for different reasons than what you're facing. And I completely get why certain jobs are off-limits for you; my dad did the exact same thing to me and my sister. However, once a cousin helped me land an "acceptable" job the summer before freshman year, he finally stopped grumbling about it. That job was a lifesaver.
The first part of my freshman year was rough until that government grant actually kicked in. I was living on pennies from my parents and literally making sure I only ordered whatever was on the cheapest meal plan option because that was all I could afford $1.50. I saved on everything imaginable and even had my own system—I tracked every single cent spent just so I knew exactly where the money went and if it was truly necessary.
For a long time, I carried so much guilt over every single dollar spent, just like you mentioned.

There’s a lot more to the story, but I’m not trying to vent or make this all about me. I just want you to know that it is possible to survive even the most desperate situations.
It’s true that things will be hard, and very few people will truly understand how painful it is to watch your friends buying new shoes when you can barely afford groceries.
But guess what? This too shall pass. My first real money outside of my scholarship came from working at a demonstration. Then, slowly, some tutoring gigs. Then, by graduation, I had a side hustle right in my field of study.
Your time will come, and you’ll have $200-$100 to spend just on the little things you love. Actually, you’ll have much more than that.

Regarding those thoughts about not wanting to be here anymore—I understand them, I really do. But please, try to focus on that thought: "I know I could never do this." Whenever those feelings hit, find a way to let it out. Find an outlet (hopefully through your art 😉), and always remember how much pain you would cause everyone who loves you if you actually did it.

Besides, don't you dare give up on your painting and drawing 🙂
And as for succeeding... does breaking through really mean that much to you? Isn't the mere fact that you *can* do it and that you *love* it enough? Don't you feel like without drawing, you wouldn't be you? Okay, if you don't feel that way, then maybe you can quit...

So, here is the battle plan.
Look into scholarships.
Find a job through a student employment office. If your father complains, don't back down! Just tell him you're doing something he approves of if you have to.
I don't know what your major is, but if it's something you can tutor in, it's easy to set up a session after class and earn some extra cash.
Study hard, but allow yourself some downtime, friends, and just being a kid. Like others have said here, try to be less hard on yourself (if someone had told me that back in the day, I might not be such a klutz today 😁).
Don't quit before you've even truly begun. 😉