I don't know what to do next...

So... here's the situation.
I'm 19, just finished high school, and I just started college, which I was actually really excited about. I live out in the sticks near the city, but close enough that commuting back and forth costs me about $10. Money is my biggest issue right now. My dad is a disabled veteran, and my mom was diagnosed with cancer this year; she already had surgery, and there's more treatment coming that we have no idea how we're going to afford... We're living off my dad's disability check, which ends up being around $667 after the bank takes its monthly cut for his loan. That’s what we have left to cover the utilities and just survive month to month.
We've been trying to sell our house for three years, but nobody's buying. We're at the point where we're basically offering it for half what it's worth just to get rid of it. The bathroom is a total wreck, and we don't even have hot water. We've been eating nothing but potatoes and rice for months... Basically, we are completely screwed financially.
Today, my dad just snapped and lost it on me because the TV was on for maybe half an hour and I wasn't even watching it. Wasting electricity, he said. And that's when I just broke... I can't take it anymore.
I feel guilty for everything. Guilty for even being born, honestly, because if I hadn't been, Mom would be staying with her brothers and Dad would probably be doing okay on his own—he’s a good guy when he's solo. I get that everyone is stressed, but I can't be the punching bag for everyone's frustrations anymore... I'm blamed for wasting electricity, for eating food that costs money, and since I'm a girl, I'm even a burden for needing pads every month.
At the start of the summer, I found a job waiting tables at a local diner nearby, but my dad went ballistic over it. He won't allow his daughter to be a waitress and deal with drunks hitting on her. I'm terrified I won't be able to go to college because of the money and transportation; a monthly transit pass is about $283... which makes it even harder to find a student job in the city. I feel lucky whenever I can make maybe $100-$67 selling my drawings and paintings, but nobody cares about art these days, so it's rare...

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel useless, worthless... I always worked so hard to get straight A's and make my parents proud. I've barely gone out in my life, I've never asked them for anything... and now I just feel like I'm a weight around their necks. I'm so scared for Mom and her illness, it's terrifying...
I wish I could tell myself this is just a phase, a temporary crisis, that things will get better... but it's been like this for as long as I can remember, with very little changing.

Because of all this, along with some other failures in my life, I've become really self-destructive. I've started hating myself and punishing myself whenever I feel guilty about something. It hurts inside. I cry constantly and I don't know what to do. This whole thing has become too much to carry, and I think about suicide, even though I couldn't actually go through with it. But the thought keeps looping in my head—how nice it would be if I just wasn't here, so all this pain and guilt would just stop.

My dream is just to have $200-$100 that I could spend just on myself. To grab some takeout, buy a decent book, a piece of clothing, maybe some makeup... But even if I had that money, I wouldn't be able to spend it on myself because I'd know that tomorrow we'll still be wondering what we're going to eat...

What do I do? How do I get out of this?

First off, you need to hear this: none of this is on you. You didn't ask to be born, you aren't responsible for your parents getting sick, and you sure as hell aren't to blame for the absolute mess the economy is in right now. Seriously, try to shake that guilt, because it isn't yours to carry. The jury decided 😁

As for the money situation—look, try to find some kind of work like you used to and just tune out your old man. Don't quit your job, no matter how much he loses his mind, unless he gets violent and actually puts you in danger. I get it, I really do. I’ve been pinching every single penny since I lost my job a few years back. I’m constantly stressing over how to stretch a dinner for four people on $6.75. I literally have panic attacks when I see I'm running low on toothpaste and I'm trying to make the expensive stuff last longer. The other day, I stood in the middle of a Target for ten minutes just staring at a $4.75 nail polish I liked, wondering if I could afford it. I bought it, and now I'm sitting here feeling guilty 😢 so I totally feel you. It sucks, it really does, but there are so many people stuck in this exact same spot. You aren't alone in this.
I'm assuming once you get through college, you won't have to obsess over this stuff every second. 🤷

It’s hard to shake this feeling, especially when it gets shoved in my face passively-aggressively. Apparently, being 19 means I should already be totally self-sufficient, yet most jobs are off-limits because they're supposedly "beneath me." My dad is convinced that kids my age can just land a job in five minutes flat.
On the flip side, since I'm a college student, I'm pretty much stuck using those student employment agencies if I want to stay on the right side of the law. Then there's the whole issue of commuting costs—I seriously can't afford the gas or transit to get anywhere, but I have to somehow make it work until that first paycheck hits...
I hate how jealous I get when a friend buys new shoes, even though she already owns like four pairs just like them. Or when she treats herself to something small for a few bucks and I can't even manage that... then the guilt just eats me alive, making me feel like a terrible person...
I used to be so passionate about painting; it really gave me a sense of purpose. But then I realized just how impossible it is to actually make a career out of it. Now, I just feel like my art is worthless, which makes me feel like I am too...

Despite all these heavy circumstances, your biggest hurdle is actually your own self-confidence. You aren't to blame for any of this. You are putting in the work. Stop being so incredibly hard on yourself; if you don't, it will become your greatest obstacle in life. You need to learn how to be kind to yourself... to stand up and fight for yourself.

Get those suicidal thoughts out of your head—the idea that everything is your fault and that the world would be better off without you. If these thoughts are frequent, please consider seeing a psychologist.

Never give up on painting or anything else you love. It’s difficult to make it in that field (I'm in a similar profession), but it isn't impossible, and there are plenty of success stories out there for those willing to put in the sweat and effort.

I know how difficult it can be to explain to your parents that they are wrong, but if it's more important to you to earn some money just to get them off your back, try working as a server. Once you help them out with a bit of cash, they might change their tune.

Hang in there. I know your situation is terrible, but believe me, things can improve with a little effort and some self-belief.

If you ask me, you really ought to consider taking a break from college to find a steady job, and maybe eventually move out from under your parents' roof... honestly, that last part would probably save you a massive amount of stress.

What are your chances of landing a scholarship? Federal, state, anything at all?

I actually made it through thanks to a federal grant. I lived in a dorm in Washington, D.C., which covered basically all my living expenses, supplemented by the occasional bit of cash from my parents or grandparents.

Back when I started college, the dorm situation was also pretty terrible, though for different reasons than what you're facing. And I completely get why certain jobs are off-limits for you; my dad did the exact same thing to me and my sister. However, once a cousin helped me land an "acceptable" job the summer before freshman year, he finally stopped grumbling about it. That job was a lifesaver.
The first part of my freshman year was rough until that government grant actually kicked in. I was living on pennies from my parents and literally making sure I only ordered whatever was on the cheapest meal plan option because that was all I could afford $1.50. I saved on everything imaginable and even had my own system—I tracked every single cent spent just so I knew exactly where the money went and if it was truly necessary.
For a long time, I carried so much guilt over every single dollar spent, just like you mentioned.

There’s a lot more to the story, but I’m not trying to vent or make this all about me. I just want you to know that it is possible to survive even the most desperate situations.
It’s true that things will be hard, and very few people will truly understand how painful it is to watch your friends buying new shoes when you can barely afford groceries.
But guess what? This too shall pass. My first real money outside of my scholarship came from working at a demonstration. Then, slowly, some tutoring gigs. Then, by graduation, I had a side hustle right in my field of study.
Your time will come, and you’ll have $200-$100 to spend just on the little things you love. Actually, you’ll have much more than that.

Regarding those thoughts about not wanting to be here anymore—I understand them, I really do. But please, try to focus on that thought: "I know I could never do this." Whenever those feelings hit, find a way to let it out. Find an outlet (hopefully through your art 😉), and always remember how much pain you would cause everyone who loves you if you actually did it.

Besides, don't you dare give up on your painting and drawing 🙂
And as for succeeding... does breaking through really mean that much to you? Isn't the mere fact that you *can* do it and that you *love* it enough? Don't you feel like without drawing, you wouldn't be you? Okay, if you don't feel that way, then maybe you can quit...

So, here is the battle plan.
Look into scholarships.
Find a job through a student employment office. If your father complains, don't back down! Just tell him you're doing something he approves of if you have to.
I don't know what your major is, but if it's something you can tutor in, it's easy to set up a session after class and earn some extra cash.
Study hard, but allow yourself some downtime, friends, and just being a kid. Like others have said here, try to be less hard on yourself (if someone had told me that back in the day, I might not be such a klutz today 😁).
Don't quit before you've even truly begun. 😉

Have you submitted your scholarship application yet? I agree that living in student housing would be more practical; you could save on commuting costs and find a part-time job through the university career center that fits your class schedule.

Anyway, I’m not planning on taking a break because I’ve already been sitting on my hands for a year. I used to think you couldn't land a student job while classes were actually in session... you know, legally.
Regarding scholarships, I’m going to apply for that one from the Department of Veterans Affairs. I'm honestly pretty stoked about college and I've really committed to this, so I'm hoping for some kind of merit award if I end up at the top of my class.
My parents won't let me live in the dorms. They have their own reasons...

I genuinely love painting; it’s how I unwind. But honestly, it ends up being even more depressing when I pour 20 hours straight into a piece, only to have a friend or parent just give me an "mhm" or maybe a "that's nice." Zero interest. When I ask my parents for actual constructive criticism, they just tell me it looks great and there's nothing to fix. And the thing is, they graduated from General Electric, and they actually have an appreciation for art, even if they don't do it anymore. It’s obvious now that they just don't care, especially when I can see glaring mistakes myself. Objectively, I don't think my work is so bad that it deserves a shrug. Especially since I have such a unique style... I just wish they’d be real with me about whether they like it or not, and why, so I can actually get better.

Thanks for the support, everyone. I really hope things turn out just like Lawrence Peterson66 said...

Just let one single thought loop through your mind, and make sure that thought is

NEVER GIVE UP!!!! DON'T YOU DARE QUIT

Kenneth Barnes2 said:Anyway, I’m not planning on taking a break because I’ve already been sitting on my hands for a year. I used to think you couldn't land a student job while classes were actually in session... you know, legally.
Regarding scholarships, I’m going to apply for that one from the Department of Veterans Affairs. I'm honestly pretty stoked about college and I've really committed to this, so I'm hoping for some kind of merit award if I end up at the top of my class.
My parents won't let me live in the dorms. They have their own reasons...

I genuinely love painting; it’s how I unwind. But honestly, it ends up being even more depressing when I pour 20 hours straight into a piece, only to have a friend or parent just give me an "mhm" or maybe a "that's nice." Zero interest. When I ask my parents for actual constructive criticism, they just tell me it looks great and there's nothing to fix. And the thing is, they graduated from General Electric, and they actually have an appreciation for art, even if they don't do it anymore. It’s obvious now that they just don't care, especially when I can see glaring mistakes myself. Objectively, I don't think my work is so bad that it deserves a shrug. Especially since I have such a unique style... I just wish they’d be real with me about whether they like it or not, and why, so I can actually get better.

Thanks for the support, everyone. I really hope things turn out just like Lawrence Peterson66 said...

And you aren't even pushing them to tell you what those specific reasons actually are? 😕

Student employment programs exist specifically so students can balance work and academics. So, yes, you can absolutely hold down a part-time job while attending classes, provided your schedule allows for it. And yes, it’s completely legal, of course 🙂

Regarding the lack of support... I know it hurts when they seem indifferent. Just try not to rely on their validation.
Is it possible you're asking too much of them? It seems like they're going through a lot—they're exhausted, stressed, maybe dealing with a sick parent or family struggles... Life has probably been hitting them hard and left them feeling numb. They might not be in the right headspace to participate in your photography project the way you want, or to offer the kind of constructive criticism you're looking for. Honestly, I don't know anyone whose parents act like that.

I say this because I wouldn't want to jump to conclusions and assume they're being closed off or dismissing what matters to you.
But you know your situation better than anyone. If they fall into this second category, you should start training yourself now not to look to them for pride or approval. Once you stop expecting it and accept things as they are, the disappointment will fade, and things will get a little easier for you.

Kimberly Watson said:And you aren't even pushing them to tell you what those specific reasons actually are? 😕

I always get the same canned response: "We have our reasons, we know what's best for you." It’s like they think I don't know how to take care of myself, which isn't true at all. They act like I'm just going to bolt and that we'll only see each other once every felony... Which also isn't true. But you can't prove anything to people like that...

Lawrence Peterson66 As requested by:
Student employment programs exist specifically so people can earn some cash while they're still in school. So, yeah, obviously you can pick up a side hustle alongside your classes, provided your schedule actually lets you... It's completely legal, too. 🙂

As far as this whole support situation goes... I know it stings when they don't give a damn. Just try not to rely on them for validation. It’s better that way...
Are you asking too much of them? Honestly, it looks like they’re just completely burnt out. They're stressed, exhausted, dealing with a disabled father, and now the mother is sick on top of it... Life has probably just beaten them down until they've gone numb. Maybe they aren't exactly in the right headspace to participate in your painting sessions the way you want them to—you know, actually giving you critiques or helpful advice... To be honest, I don't know anyone whose parents actually do that.

I'm not ready to jump the gun and say they're just closed-minded or totally checked out... or that they don't give a damn about what matters to you. Not yet...
Look, you know exactly how this plays out. If they’re part of that other crowd, you might as well start training yourself now to stop looking to them for any kind of validation or pride. Once you finally let go of that expectation—once you just accept the reality of who they are—the disappointment stops hitting so hard. It'll be easier on you...

I get that things are tough for them right now, and I really try not to burden them with my nonsense. Compared to most "rebellious" teenagers out there, I’ve never been a handful. I’m not asking for much... just a little bit of support for what I’m actually doing with my life. Most of the time, I treat them more like friends. We can talk about anything, but only when things actually get serious. Now, it’s different. I either get completely ignored or I’m getting lectured over the most trivial, mindless stuff. One time they actually threatened to ground me, and I just looked at them and said, "What are you even going to take away? My nights out? Or my reading, drawing, and studying? Because those are basically the only things you actually have control over..."
Look, the whole situation with my parents? That’s actually the least of my worries in this mess...

Your story honestly left me speechless

The idea that some old man can just decide you aren't allowed to work as a waitress—it’s just primitive nonsense

I really feel for you

I’m hoping some better doors open up for you down the road

I'm sure this is incredibly tough right now

And then there's that guilt hanging over everything, too—just an extra weight to carry when you're already struggling. It's enough to drive anyone crazy

Kenneth Barnes2 said:I always get the same canned response: "We have our reasons, we know what's best for you." It’s like they think I don't know how to take care of myself, which isn't true at all. They act like I'm just going to bolt and that we'll only see each other once every felony... Which also isn't true. But you can't prove anything to people like that...

Lawrence Peterson66 As requested by:
Student employment programs exist specifically so people can earn some cash while they're still in school. So, yeah, obviously you can pick up a side hustle alongside your classes, provided your schedule actually lets you... It's completely legal, too. 🙂

As far as this whole support situation goes... I know it stings when they don't give a damn. Just try not to rely on them for validation. It’s better that way...
Are you asking too much of them? Honestly, it looks like they’re just completely burnt out. They're stressed, exhausted, dealing with a disabled father, and now the mother is sick on top of it... Life has probably just beaten them down until they've gone numb. Maybe they aren't exactly in the right headspace to participate in your painting sessions the way you want them to—you know, actually giving you critiques or helpful advice... To be honest, I don't know anyone whose parents actually do that.

I'm not ready to jump the gun and say they're just closed-minded or totally checked out... or that they don't give a damn about what matters to you. Not yet...
Look, you know exactly how this plays out. If they’re part of that other crowd, you might as well start training yourself now to stop looking to them for any kind of validation or pride. Once you finally let go of that expectation—once you just accept the reality of who they are—the disappointment stops hitting so hard. It'll be easier on you...

I get that things are tough for them right now, and I really try not to burden them with my nonsense. Compared to most "rebellious" teenagers out there, I’ve never been a handful. I’m not asking for much... just a little bit of support for what I’m actually doing with my life. Most of the time, I treat them more like friends. We can talk about anything, but only when things actually get serious. Now, it’s different. I either get completely ignored or I’m getting lectured over the most trivial, mindless stuff. One time they actually threatened to ground me, and I just looked at them and said, "What are you even going to take away? My nights out? Or my reading, drawing, and studying? Because those are basically the only things you actually have control over..."
Look, the whole situation with my parents? That’s actually the least of my worries in this mess...

Look, sorry, but you’re going to lose your mind commuting by bus or train every single day. Do you have any idea how exhausting that is? It’s not just the extra money you'll burn through; you won't have any time left for yourself.

You HAVE to move home. Whatever reasons your parents are using, they sound incredibly selfish and irrational to me. College isn't some joke; you need the right environment to succeed, and that means peace, stability, and independence.

Your story hit home.

I’d suggest looking into university housing and picking up some shifts through a campus job board.

Regardless of how much your parents push back, you need to be firm and stay the course. Write down exactly why you're making this choice based on what we discussed; you'll find much more peace of mind being true to yourself.

Best of luck.

Amanda Edwards4 said:Look, sorry, but you’re going to lose your mind commuting by bus or train every single day. Do you have any idea how exhausting that is? It’s not just the extra money you'll burn through; you won't have any time left for yourself.

You HAVE to move home. Whatever reasons your parents are using, they sound incredibly selfish and irrational to me. College isn't some joke; you need the right environment to succeed, and that means peace, stability, and independence.

Absolutely. Between the exhaustion of living in a dorm halfway across town from your classes, and the nightmare of commuting back and forth into the city every day... it's too much. Not to mention that staying on campus would save you several hundred dollars in transit costs alone, considering how much things cost $100 per month? If they aren't letting you move into the dorms simply because they can't bear to let you go, then you're dealing with a much deeper issue than just finances...

Thanks for all the support, everyone...

Amanda Edwards4 said:Look, sorry, but you’re going to lose your mind commuting by bus or train every single day. Do you have any idea how exhausting that is? It’s not just the extra money you'll burn through; you won't have any time left for yourself.

You HAVE to move home. Whatever reasons your parents are using, they sound incredibly selfish and irrational to me. College isn't some joke; you need the right environment to succeed, and that means peace, stability, and independence.

They're basically hoping they can flip the house and move to the city at any moment... besides, I've been used to this kind of grind since high school.
It’s going to be exhausting, especially with a three-hour commute, but I'll find a way to manage...
Anyway, I just checked and the application window for this year is already closed... so I guess I'll just aim for the next one.

Man, I’m sorry you’re going through all this.. really hope things turn around for you.
Maybe try snapping some pics and listing them online? If you set a "fair" price, I bet someone would snap them up in a heartbeat.

Kenneth Barnes2 said:Thanks for all the support, everyone...

They're basically hoping they can flip the house and move to the city at any moment... besides, I've been used to this kind of grind since high school.
It’s going to be exhausting, especially with a three-hour commute, but I'll find a way to manage...
Anyway, I just checked and the application window for this year is already closed... so I guess I'll just aim for the next one.

In my experience, the students who travel or live in dorms always perform the best and actually graduate on time. They're usually driven to finish up fast so they can start their independent lives. What's your major?

Chloe Barnes3 said:Man, I’m sorry you’re going through all this.. really hope things turn around for you.
Maybe try snapping some pics and listing them online? If you set a "fair" price, I bet someone would snap them up in a heartbeat.

Thanks.. 🙂 but I already tried that. I maybe got two or three orders and then nothing. People just don't have the time or the interest in art anymore... And I'm barely charging more than the cost of materials and a little something "for coffee"...

granitefalcon26 said:In my experience, the students who travel or live in dorms always perform the best and actually graduate on time. They're usually driven to finish up fast so they can start their independent lives. What's your major?

Archaeology and anthropology.