Posts by steelpanther11

Since I'm still a student, I really need to know—where can I go where I won't be stuck paying out of pocket because everything is covered by Medicare?

Alright, I really need some advice and recommendations here. I'm a 26-year-old student and I need to get a thyroid ultrasound done in NYC, plus I have to see an internist regarding my diabetes... so, where would you guys actually recommend going?

Thanks a million!

Honestly, I’m feeling the exact same way as I did a few weeks ago when I first posted this on the forum. Look, I get it—I know I haven't taken any actual steps yet, and I'm fully aware that nobody on this board is going to step in and force me to do the work for me. But, I don't know... reading some positive comments or having a complete stranger cheer me on actually makes things feel a little lighter? It gives me a spark of motivation, in a way...

It's just the same old cycle, over and over. There are moments where I actually find the energy to move—like when I finally tackled all that university paperwork—but then, boom, I'm right back in bed, sinking into a massive depression and just trying to hide from the rest of the world. I want to change so badly, I really do, but damn... it is just so incredibly hard. Sometimes it feels easier to just be a coward and wallow in self-pity because facing reality is exhausting...

Anyway... the bottom line is that I want to be better. I want to be a high-quality person, someone worth something, but I just can't seem to get moving. It’s like I’ve got literal shackles on my hands and feet, holding me down...

And that’s it... just a bunch of people read my post and nothing else happens... So what, should I go find a therapist, get some professional help, and just admit I'm being lazy??

Good grief... look, I am not mentally unstable, and I am definitely not too lazy to actually get moving and improve myself... It’s just that I have zero motivation—none at all—to get going. I have the will, I really do, but I’m missing that one crucial push, you know? That validation from the people around me that tells me I can actually become who I want to be. Is it really such a sin—or am I just being an idiot—to ask another human being to help nudge me out of this rut? Because apparently, wanting that immediately means I'm "not normal" and need professional intervention...

No, I don't have anyone I can actually trust with this... maybe that's why I'm like this—because I don't have a single real friend in my life that I can pour my entire soul out to... I just don't...

Look, this is honestly pretty awkward to write because—I mean, isn't every sane person capable of setting boundaries and just pulling themselves together when life gets heavy? That’s my exact problem... I just don't have any drive left for anything.

I don't even know which part of this mess is most important to mention just so people actually understand what's going on with me—because if anyone reading this actually has some decent, practical advice, I desperately need it, since I certainly don't have any for myself...
I just can't snap out of it. There are days where I can barely drag myself out of bed, feeling totally lifeless and miserable for absolutely no damn reason. I could just stay under the covers all day, hiding under a blanket, without a single valid excuse...

Things really started spiraling after my grandma passed away back in 2010—she was my absolute favorite person in the world—but look, I'm not trying to hide behind the "loss of a loved one" thing to justify being in this constant state of limbo. I'm in college right now and things are a total disaster; it feels like my last shot before I completely crash and burn. I don't have a job on the side so I'm constantly broke, and my parents aren't exactly well-off either. Both of them are sick—my dad is fighting lung cancer...

My cycle is a complete wreck; I'll go two or three months without it, and then when it finally hits (only because I'm on pills), I end up in the ER because the bleeding is so heavy it's dangerous (I don't know if that's related, but whatever). And I can't lose weight to save my life. I eat light, healthy meals, yet I'm still sitting at 207 pounds at 5'3". I haven't had my hormone levels checked yet, though I am scheduled to go to the doctor soon...

Basically, the core of the issue is that I have zero motivation. When I'm in Washington, D.C., I won't leave my apartment for days at a time. When the time comes to actually get out of bed, I'll lie to my roommate and tell her I was at class or something... I just sleep or toss and turn, endlessly scrolling through the internet, watching shows and movies, just wasting time. And then I start mindless eating... everything I do is half-hearted and aimless. I'm just waiting for the days to pass. But when I go home, I put on this ridiculous mask and act like the perfect, helpful Christian girl who's always smiling, studying hard, hanging out with my one friend, seeing my boyfriend... and none of them realize I'm just playing a role. I'm acting like the person I *want* to be, but I'm not her. I've been living in D.C. for seven years now and it's the same loop. All my friends from college have moved on with their lives, while I'm stuck in place, failing exams that I've retaken six or seven times. I've lost touch with people along the way, and whenever they call, I make up excuses because I can't bear to talk about school or where I am or what I'm doing... it's like they're just looking for a reason to judge me. I don't have a single real friend because I can't bring myself to trust anyone enough to tell them how I truly feel. Everyone sees a version of me that isn't real... and honestly, I'm exhausted by all these lies piling up. I feel like if I slip up even once, the whole facade is going to come crashing down on me.

It's hard, and I cry all the time. I'm eaten alive by this laziness, this total neglect of myself, the mess in my apartment, and all the basic routines a normal person handles without thinking. I can't seem to move. It feels like I need someone to physically push me forward... I can't do it alone. I can't change my own trajectory, and please, don't give me that "you have to do it yourself" advice, because I've tried. Everything I do is on autopilot. My brain feels empty.

Sorry for the massive wall of text.

Help me...🙂😢

Seriously, is everyone just sitting there in total silence? Is nobody actually going to weigh in, offer some advice, or even just show a little bit of support here?

Thanks for all the replies and the effort you guys put in, but honestly? It feels like I’m just reading my own thoughts reflected back at me. It’s like I’ve heard everything a hundred times already from random people I hang out with or just acquaintances—everyone says the exact same thing and it all lines up perfectly with what’s going on in my head... Look, I know what’s broken. I know what I need to do. I know exactly what my priorities should be... but I just can't seem to pull myself together and snap out of this autopilot mode I've been stuck in. I just sit there waiting for *something* to happen (like, a totally trivial example—this past weekend was my little nephew's baptism) and I act like a complete idiot, getting all excited about it as if it actually matters, just because I want to escape my problems and be somewhere else... I run away from anything serious. When I see someone I haven't seen in a while, I put on this front like everything is absolutely perfect; I unconsciously open up this whole box of masks and pretend to be the most cheerful penguin you've ever met. I make people laugh and make sure they have a good time around me, but the second they leave, I'm just left alone and feeling completely empty... and nobody knows how to say the right thing or help me actually take a concrete step in my life... Before I even try to start something, I get terrified of change, terrified of failing (as if—give me a break, there's no way I could actually succeed)... yet I’m always ready to hand out advice to everyone else and be their shoulder to cry on, but when it comes to myself? I'm lost.

BTW....it's October 17th and I'm still too scared to walk into the registrar's office and ask what my actual options are... I don't have the strength. I'm terrified of hearing something shocking in there... afraid that I'll end up losing everything... That sense of security I had was totally trashed by that professor and her bullshit class...

I have no idea what to do with myself... Honestly, I'd rather just stay in bed, pull the covers over my head, and sleep forever, just waiting for time to pass or for *anything* to come along that might distract my mind... just so I don't feel this crushing anxiety in my chest. There's this constant weight on my ribs, making it hard to breathe, like someone is physically pressing down on my diaphragm. I eat uncontrollably, and then when I step on the scale, I just loathe myself—I feel like a fat pig, a total moron—and I think about suicide quite often, but I'm too much of a damn coward even for that....

Sorry for my messy rambling....

So, I was standing right outside the registrar's office at the university today, just staring at the door, and I couldn't even bring myself to walk in. Honestly? I’m just sitting here spiraling—sending one desperate email after another to people who clearly don't give a damn about me—just waiting for some final, crushing verdict so I can finally just quit this whole university thing once and for all. Anyway... I feel like absolute trash. I honestly just want to crawl under my covers, pull them over my head, and sleep forever—just to make all this bullshit stop. I wish I could just vanish, let time freeze, and somehow have life actually turn around for once. I can't keep bottling all this up inside anymore, and the worst part? I have nobody. There isn't a single soul I can vent to, which makes this whole thing even more humiliating—knowing that millions of people are reading these pathetic ramblings and nonsense because I'm such a loser that I can't even find one real person to offer a shred of comfort. Instead, I’m just sitting here like an idiot, staring at a computer screen, checking to see if anyone even read what I wrote or if anyone bothered to comment... it's pathetic. It's rock bottom. And yeah, that's exactly where I am right now.

Wow, you honestly caught me off guard with all of this. It’s actually kind of a relief to know there’s someone out there who feels exactly like I do—someone who actually found a way through it. But man, I still have to deal with that damn HR department. I’ll probably have to drag myself in there tomorrow, try to act like everything is fine, and just grit my teeth through it... though the folks in management already know because I practically begged them for help, which was such a stupid, humiliating thing to do. Ugh, just thinking about it makes me feel physically sick.😢

All those people I used to hang out with? They've drifted away. They aren't even in my orbit anymore because they noticed I’ve changed—they think I can't be themselves around me or that I'm just radiating "negative energy" or whatever. Not one single person from that old friend group bothered to ask me what was actually wrong or how they could support me... not one. I have nobody to talk to about this depression... I'm completely on my own in this.

I haven't been back on this therapy couch for a while...

So, do you ever get that feeling—that sinking, gut-wrenching sensation—that life is just rushing past you? Like you’re standing perfectly still, paralyzed, and you keep tripping over the same old bullshit and obstacles because you simply won't move? And then what follows? Just the endless cycle of whining, retreating into myself, crying, wrapping myself in blankets, and just wishing I could vanish into thin air...

That's exactly where I am right now. It’s one step forward, five steps back. My drive to actually *live* has hit absolute zero; I’m basically running on autopilot at this point. Nothing brings me long-term joy anymore—it’s all just fleeting moments or little situations that make me laugh for a second before the void returns. To everyone else looking in, I seem fine. I look successful, put-together, perfect... but they don't see who I really am inside. Half of that "perfect" persona is just a lie I manufactured to avoid unnecessary questions and awkward conversations. And friends? I don't have any real ones. Not even one single person I can turn to when I feel like I'm on the razor's edge of a nervous breakdown, a panic attack, or hyperventilating into a paper bag... there's nobody to grab a coffee with, sit down, and just let it all out. I don't have those people. Meanwhile, the social circles I run in absolutely adore me—everyone loves having me around because I play the entertainer, at least until my depressive phases kick in. But God, there is such a massive gap between who I am for the world and who I am for myself... I honestly don't know what is happening to me. I love my university, but then there's this final chance to pass a crucial exam, and I just... I can't get out of bed. I don't even bother showing up because I already know that professor isn't going to cut me any slack; once I face her, my mind goes totally blank. Every single semester, it's the same thing. And that exam is mandatory for enrollment, so I've basically been stuck in academic limbo for three years because I can't clear it. I'm volunteering at a microbiology lab right now—doing stuff I actually care about, not the stuff I'm supposed to be doing. But the school situation isn't even the biggest issue; it's the mountain of lies I've built around myself, the walls I've erected, and this crushing anxiety living in my chest. I love my parents more than anything—I'm an only child, and they adore me... I would do anything for them. But my dad is sick, battling lung cancer, and my grandmother passed away recently—she was my everything. Long story short, I've been stuck in this rut for so long, and I hate it. I'm terrified to even walk into the registrar's office because I'm scared of being told how bad things look or being kicked out. I'm too scared to even look my landlord in the eye because I'm behind on rent. I am just buried in this hole and I can't find the leverage to climb out. I draw, though. It's my hobby, it fulfills me, and I actually managed to make some money from it recently, which was great... but I still don't know how to fix this restlessness inside me, or how to just *start*. Nothing feels meaningful. I just want to run away from my problems, sweep them under the rug, and pretend they aren't there—only for them to come crashing back at me when the bill comes due. Honestly, there's probably no point even writing this here. Sorry for the rambling of a total mess... just another number in the crowd.