Posts by Drew Gray4

I appreciate you reaching out; it’s great to see this topic gaining traction. That concept of a self-referential system was actually an intuitive comparison I made myself—I had no idea it was a formal application. I realize there is something essentially ineffable at play here, and I have no intention of falling into the trap of ego, but based on what you’re saying, it clearly is happening.

Ultimately, I feel it is better to attempt to convey even a fragment of these sensations to someone else rather than remaining entirely silent about them.

It isn't as if I have any desire or capacity to teach anyone... I can barely manage my own basic hygiene! :-)

Sandra Morgan2 said:You mentioned:

Right now, I can't focus on reading books because I'm experiencing everything so intensely that I feel this urgent need to write a book instead.

Well then.....

I'm not qualified to dive into deep philosophical debates with you all, since my vocabulary and thoughts are pretty simple. You're absolutely right that you might be more intelligent, better read, or perhaps at a higher stage of development than I am, and I'm perfectly fine with that. I have no desire to compete. That doesn't mean I don't value your questions or try to answer them, though....

Look, this is an online forum. I hope you weren't expecting to just deliver a monologue, get constant nods of approval, or avoid being challenged just a little bit! 🙂

You ask me questions that even I don't know how to answer. Like, what is depth? What is it made of? And things like that...

That's like me asking you how to ride a bike. Just give me a quick summary of how to do it so I can learn too.

You could explain every single detail to me, but until I actually hop on one, struggle to find my balance, move forward, and fall a few times, I won't truly learn.

You missed the point of what Wand was saying about self-referential systems, yet you still used his logic. The inexpressible cannot be expressed; the inner world can't be fully transferred. But everyone who has realized something and felt the urge to speak (just like you do) speaks what can be spoken. Otherwise, they wouldn't bother sharing their state of mind. My questions are actually quite simple....

That depth is the realization that I am a spiritual being, not just a physical one. Even while storms and waves crash against my physical life and circumstances, my spiritual essence remains unchanged, perfectly calm regardless of the outcome. It's like the deep ocean: there might be twenty-foot waves churning on the surface, but at the bottom, there is eternal peace and silence. Something like that.

In your next post, you say you recognized me as someone who hasn't reached self-realization. Fine, I accept that. Maybe I really am. And honestly? I'm okay with it.

Maybe? Spiritual narcissism is such a massive trap. It’s often disguised as humility, too. To quote myself—and I’ve probably said this at least ten times since I joined this forum back in 2006—our ego always takes at least a ten percent cut from every beautiful spiritual insight we experience. Before we know it, the ego is busy writing books, giving sermons on how the universe works, and trying to lecture everyone else...

Just wanted to see if you fell into that trap too.

You're absolutely right. When I used that phrase, I didn't mean anything by it—I just meant that I'm not exactly an expert in philosophy, theology, or formal logic, nor do I have much formal training in those fields. Of course, I agree that reading is both essential and incredibly beneficial. And no, I’m not writing a book; I never claimed I was.

I honestly have no idea how I would even attempt to outmaneuver you—not that I want to, can, or even truly grasp what "self-reference" actually entails (and frankly, I’m not in the mood to Google it just to look smart right now :-)). Perhaps I haven't reached your level of intellectual evolution yet; who knows? Regardless, it isn't particularly important to me. For the time being, I am perfectly content with where I stand, and my priority is simply to solidify my current footing.

I don't feel qualified to dive into deep philosophical debates with all of you, mainly because my vocabulary is limited and my thoughts tend to be pretty straightforward. You’re likely much more intelligent than I am, far more well-read, and perhaps even further along in your personal development—and honestly, I’m perfectly fine with that. I have no desire to compete or prove anything. That doesn't mean I don't value the questions you pose, though; I truly do try my best to provide meaningful answers whenever I can.

You’re asking me questions that I don't even have the answers to myself. You want to know the nature of depth, what it's actually made of, and all that philosophical stuff...

That is rather like asking me how one knows how to ride a bicycle. If you truly wish to learn, perhaps you could provide a brief, concise description of the mechanics involved so that I might follow your lead?

You can give me all the details you want, but it won't matter. Until I actually get on that bike, figure out how to balance while pedaling forward, and inevitably wipe out a few times, I’m not going to learn a thing.

That level of depth comes from realizing that I am a spiritual being first, and a physical one second. Even when life hits me with heavy storms or chaotic waves at the surface level—you know, the day-to-day struggles and external circumstances—my spiritual core remains untouched. It stays steady regardless of how things play out, maintaining a perfect sense of peace with whatever happens. It’s much like the Pacific Ocean: you might have massive, twenty-foot swells churning violently on the surface, but down at the very bottom, there is nothing but eternal silence and stillness. Something like that.

In your next post, you’ll probably claim you recognized me as someone who hasn't reached true self-awareness yet. Fine, I'll take that. If that's how you see it, I can live with it. To be honest, I feel like I’ve tapped into something deeper within myself lately. I've stopped looking to the world around me for answers and started searching inward instead. But hey, if you want to insist I haven't arrived there yet, I accept your perspective. At the end of the day, every version of reality holds its own balance of good and bad. Even so, because my life has actually begun to shift, I feel as though I’ve stepped into uncharted territory and made at least some incremental progress compared to how I used to live.

I am committed to pushing myself forward for as long as necessary to achieve my personal spiritual growth and fulfill my soul's true journey.

Sandra Morgan2 said:Phrases? Come on now... that wasn't very kind of you. You can find real depth and wisdom in plenty of books—spiritual or otherwise. They can be informative or even transformative, especially since many great works were written by people with highly developed spirits, high intelligence, and broad educations. We can learn so much from their experiences! Plus, as we know, you're actually writing a book yourself—that’s why you started this thread in the first place, right?

I've never felt the need to write extensively, but with this thread, I wanted to share my feelings and thoughts—things I feel are too important to just keep to myself.

I just wanted to say that by falling in love with myself, I realized my own depth—this unspeakable depth that was hidden behind the superficial physical level I used to inhabit, which I hated and felt ashamed of (referring to my looks, material status, and things like that).

So... what exactly is this "depth"?
What is it made of,
whose is it,
and who is it that discovered it?

When you squeeze an orange, you get orange juice.
An orange can't produce anything other than what is already inside it.

You can't squeeze an orange and get strawberry juice.

So, when you start squeezing a person, what comes out is exactly what they hold inside.
The public persona of a public figure is rarely the same as what lies within.

My questions are meant to squeeze you—to see what is truly inside you. Are you peaceful in the way most non-neurotic, mentally stable people are, or is your peace the kind that comes from true self-realization?

Benjamin Taylor6, haha, look at that—I guess I just happened to land on the exact same points by pure coincidence. And no, I haven't actually read your threads or posts, truly. :-) Regardless, I believe helping people through financial support is vital; I do what I can whenever the opportunity arises, especially participating in charity drives for sick children, though that’s not really the focus here. It’s all quite minor to me because I only give from my surplus, much like the biblical story of the widow offering her two small coins. I don't view it as some grand achievement that warrants any kind of glorification.

What truly matters is that we, as a civilization, forge a better future through a spiritual path and advance our collective consciousness. What good is a billionaire living in a skyscraper if he’s so miserable that he’s looking for a window to jump out of? Similarly, through some side work I used to do, I had the chance to enter some incredibly impoverished homes, yet they were filled with such laughter and sense of community that I was left absolutely stunned... it was beautiful. There was nothing like that in my own household.

Regarding material wealth, I have witnessed some truly paradoxical situations. You see people with several million dollars sitting in their bank accounts, yet they are popping antidepressants and losing sleep because they are terrified of losing it all—worried about market crashes or the collapse of the European Union. They are paralyzed by indecision over where to invest or what to do; the anxiety literally eats them alive. Then you have the opposite extreme: people who have nothing to eat and no jobs, which leads them to the exact same level of suffering...

It reminds me of that old tale about the Emperor searching for happiness, only for a wise man to tell him he would find it once he put on a poor man's shirt... only for the punchline to be that the man is naked and has no shirt to give. 🙂

I see you've reached 10,000 posts and are incredibly active on this forum; it’s great to see that. Personally, I’ve never felt the urge to write excessively, but with this thread, I simply wanted to share my feelings and reflections—things I felt were too important to just keep to myself.

Benjamin Taylor6: I get that people are bitter about their circumstances. Some just brought it on themselves by choosing to view life as an endless uphill battle. And when you live like that, you end up fighting...

I don't want to overshare, but if you think six years of mental illness just appeared out of thin air, you’re mistaken. It’s the same with my own life—it has been a constant struggle just to maintain our family's basic existence (the way we’ve understood survival since early childhood), dealing with health issues in the immediate circle, pulling ourselves out of various messes, and things like that. Everyone has a story. There’s a book by Viktor Frankl—'Man's Search for Meaning'—about a man who found purpose even in the depths of Auschwitz. If you want to compare existential hardships, there will always be someone who had it worse than you.

Ultimately, I don't believe any of those people or children are actually starving. They aren't dying of hunger. At the very least, they could get a meal at a local soup kitchen and meet their most basic needs for existence—which, if we're talking about the bare essentials, is just food and water. Everything else is an upgrade—Maslow's hierarchy of needs, if I recall correctly from school. I might be caricaturing a bit here, but I hope you see my point.

Take Željko Mavrović, for example. He has a young daughter who, from what I gather, has cerebral palsy. If you look him up online—check out his interview on a major US Sunday morning news program—you'll see he isn't someone stuck in a victim mentality. He doesn't waste time asking "Why me?", "What did I do to God?", or "How can everyone else live normally?" while venting like most people do when tragedy strikes. Instead, he offers a profound, deeply considered reflection on everything he’s faced, from his boxing career to failed businesses and the fear of losing his child multiple times.

Unfortunately, I haven't had a chance to check the links you sent because I'm at work, but I'm sure they all represent heavy burdens and difficult fates. However, a burden can be carried with grace if it's carried out of love. Out of a genuine love for life itself.

urbanwalker72: On the contrary, feel free to send them.

Sandra Morgan2: No, I haven't swapped them out in three years. I went through them pretty frequently during those first three years... and generally speaking, yeah, they wouldn't have lasted nearly this long.

To address the question I missed earlier... I'm not exactly an expert at articulating things in such a spiritual sense, nor have I devoured enough literature to pull sophisticated phrases out of thin air. What I was trying to convey is that I've finally learned to love myself. I’ve come to realize my own depth—an unspeakable depth that was previously obscured by my physical appearance, which I used to loathe and feel ashamed of (I'm referring to my looks, my financial standing, and things of that nature).

crimsonfox26, you hit the nail on the head: acceptance. It's about not fighting everything around you or within you. Life isn't a battle. So many people pay a heavy price for that mindset because they view everything as a struggle, and when you frame life as a fight, there's always the risk of losing. But personally, I can't lose anything, because I don't own anything besides myself—and since I am timeless, I can't possibly lose who I am. Something like that. :-)

It has been quite some time since my last update. In the interval since we last spoke, my life circumstances have undergone a profound transformation. I have experienced significant shifts on a fundamental, physical level. I have unlearned the habit of being tethered to this world—the constant attachment to money, success, and power—and by deepening my faith, I have used religion to find true meaning in the very things I write about.
The spiritual awakening I’ve experienced prompted me to unconsciously let certain people drift out of my life, while simultaneously deepening connections with others who opened up to me or simply stepped into my path. To be clear, looking at things from a purely material standpoint, everything hasn't been perfect. I have faced some heavy setbacks. I had to endure certain sacrifices, letting go of my old life to make room for the new. Yet, I have embraced those struggles too. They are essential parts of the reality I chose so that I could become who I am meant to be, allowing me to ignite that eternal flame within and live by its light.

I finally realized that I spent my entire life trying to reach some distant destination, chasing happiness at the finish line instead of actually enjoying the journey itself. For me, the process was always a chore, while the goal promised a happiness that either never arrived or vanished almost instantly. Even my actions in the physical world were always geared toward some "greater" objective. I see now how much I was mistaken. It was always: just finish high school, just get through college, just land a job, just find a partner, just get married, just have kids, just earn this much or buy that... and *then* I will be happy. A third of my life was spent merely waiting for the next thing. Now that I have achieved those milestones only to realize the emptiness within them, I feel as though I have finally woken up. This doesn't mean there was no point in doing those things, nor does it mean I should have sat around doing nothing for years. Quite the opposite—I needed to be active and engaged. It was simply that the journey itself should have been the reward, not just a means to an end. Today, I strive to do things for their own sake. If I read, I read for the sake of reading, not to acquire knowledge or to prove I am smarter than someone else. If I write, I write because I love the act of writing, not to pen the greatest novel ever written or to seek praise and glorification from readers.

I work for the sake of working, I live to truly live, I wake up to enjoy the morning, I run for the joy of running, I write because I love to write, I drive for the sake of driving, I socialize to connect, and I love simply for the sake of love. I have learned to observe beauty in the constant flux of the world and the perpetual evolution of myself.

Exactly, there is absolutely no way I won't end up sweating. At 7:00 AM, it’s somewhat manageable, but what am I supposed to do in the afternoon carrying a suit and all that? If I'm wearing it, I'll be soaked through.

Well, I don't have any options; I just have those flimsy hanging racks at the office, which are totally useless... if I had a locker, or my own private office, I'd just throw on some gym clothes and change right there, simple as that.

I would truly love to swap the car for a bike—for my health, to save money on gas, and to stop losing my mind looking for parking—but I just can't see the modus operandi yet. :-)

Ronald Diaz said:Drew Gray4, do you have any lockers at work where you can leave a suit? 8.1 miles There is no way you can stay comfortable in a suit; I deal with the same thing and there is zero chance you won't break a sweat, unless you plan on traveling for two hours while biking at 6 km/h. 😁

I’m considering commuting to work by bike (it's about 8.1 miles miles), but my biggest hurdle is the wardrobe situation. I have to wear a suit and tie to the office... it’s not that I’m unpolished, but that’s just the standard policy when dealing with clients. How can I tackle this issue without getting completely soaked in sweat? I don't have access to a shower at the office, so changing in a restroom stall is an option, but still...

If I could dress "casually," I wouldn't even be giving this a second thought. As it stands, it’s a real struggle. Suits are generally made from fabrics that trap heat, making you sweat quite a bit—or am I just being foolish?

Is there anyone else out there who has to rock a suit and actually manages to bike to and from work successfully?

I took a leap of faith into the unknown, and the world met me halfway, catching me in its embrace. Since that moment, nothing has been the same. I feel deeply rooted within myself, much like a century-old oak tree—tranquil, steady, unyielding, and firm. Even though heavy winds still blow through my life and storms continue to rage, nothing can shake me from the core of my being. I might bend with the gusts, but I always snap back. That sense of self remains incredibly intense. It hasn't been long, yet it feels as though a hundred lifetimes have passed since the day I penned my very first post. Time seems to move more slowly now.
Just as I began to perceive this spiritual reality, I found that God seemed to draw me even closer. It started with spontaneous prayer. I’ve become so hungry for that connection that I find myself praying during every spare second, whether I'm at work or home. It is truly inexplicable. I read the various threads on this forum, but none of them spark a desire to write; I simply find I have nothing left to say. I cannot express myself in any medium quite like I can in my own.

It is a true wealth to be gifted with life—to participate in this grand game we play, to create, to experience, and to learn. Embrace everything being offered to you. Take frequent moments to peek inward and observe what is unfolding within your soul alongside the rhythms of your daily activities and your evolving understanding of life.
That's all for now, greetings to everyone!

Hey everyone, just wanted to check in briefly. It’s not that I’ve gone MIA on you, I truly just haven't been able to find a spare moment to sit down and write.

Work has been consuming more than a week straight now, draining a massive amount of my energy and time from sunrise to sunset, and when the weekend finally rolls around, my priority is spending quality time with my kid. This past week brought plenty of tests; I handled some well, and others were a bit more of a struggle, but regardless, I'm no longer living purely on autopilot. Now, if I do happen to slip back into those old subconscious patterns, I can "wake up" from that state almost immediately and return to acting from a place of conscious awareness—meaning I'm not being driven by negative emotions like anger or jealousy anymore.

Of course, nothing is perfect, but I’m accepting things exactly as they are. I intentionally shared quite a bit about myself, and I noticed some people interpreted my illness in a different light. I don't really know what to say to that; I was honest about everything. Yes, I am ill, I am undergoing treatment, and I am taking medication—I've actually changed my prescriptions quite a bit recently. On top of all that, I manage a high-responsibility, mentally taxing job with long hours, all while providing for my family, supporting my parents, and working incredibly hard to balance it all. Right now, my feet are firmly planted on the ground. I'm not falling for any illusions regarding reality; self-awareness doesn't necessitate immediate change, though it could, and it will be interesting to see how things unfold and what my true self decides to choose. To be honest, I don't see any signs of mania or bipolar phases in myself. That said, I'm staying cautious and not forcing anything. Life feels just as heavy as it did before, except for me—I've become spiritually unburdened, and because I'm carrying so little spiritual baggage despite all these hardships, life feels much easier to navigate.

It’s a beautiful day today; make sure to get out into nature and engage all your senses.

Thanks to everyone for the replies. I honestly haven't had a spare second to write anything new.

@Michael Gonzalez77, I’ve been giving that some thought, and I really hope that isn't the case here. For what it's worth, I’m keeping both feet firmly planted on the ground; I’m not drifting off into any delusions or making any irrational moves.

Bradley Roberts10, I’m truly glad my story could bring a smile to your face.

@analoghawk13, you’re definitely the expert here. I don't dive nearly as deep into all this technical stuff as you do, so I have to admit I'm a bit lost following some of what you wrote! :-) Still, I’m keeping my fingers crossed that you're right—if the intensity starts to fade, I really hope some of that value sticks around.

@silvermason2, have you ever dealt with something like this? I can't help but laugh about it. :-)

@electrictinker26, thanks a ton. I really dig this chart. It makes me wonder—if humanity actually managed to leap to the very top, what kind of massive turning point would that represent in the grand timeline of our civilization?

@Michelle Sanchez2, I hope to encounter even just a fragment of God. To me, He feels somewhat separate from my own being. While I believe my "self" is eternal, God remains something indescribable—an everlasting light that I can feel deeply, yet He feels incredibly distant from me.

Dennis Nguyen, thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Hey, silvermason2 :-) It’s actually pretty difficult to pin down the exact definition of love or being "in love." Maybe I’m even using the wrong terminology—I can't say for sure. One thing is certain: this isn't that narcissistic obsession where you spend all day staring at your own reflection. In fact, I don't look in the mirror much at all; instead, I find myself looking inward, focusing on my true self and my soul. The reason I opened up about these feelings is because I spent almost my entire life feeling ashamed of who I was. I struggled with my body, my character, and everything else, constantly feeling like I was somehow less than everyone else or simply worthless. That’s why I say I’ve fallen in love with myself. To be more precise, I think I’ve become captivated by my own timeless, infinite essence. Because of that shift, I’ve started viewing my physical body through a completely different lens. I have real self-confidence now. I can look people straight in the eye when I speak, I’m not afraid to voice my actual thoughts, and I finally accept myself exactly as I am. I am who I am.

Thanks so much, everyone, for reading and for all your responses... I’ll keep writing, and I think the best way to answer you is through my own reflections. :-)

The next morning, I woke up feeling completely energized. Usually, my first thought is a heavy, "Ugh, not again—just another day," but this time, that was replaced by a genuine sense of joy and excitement to face the day. It was an indescribable sensation for me.

I was practically itching to experience something ordinary. Every mundane thing felt incredibly extraordinary. I headed out to a local grocery store to pick up some food. I found myself just staring at the vibrant colors of the fruits and vegetables. The sheer variety of shapes and hues felt perfect. It hit me then that I had stopped taking anything for granted; I was looking at everything through the eyes of a child discovering the world for the first time. People were bustling around me, placing items in their carts. I could feel such a surge of energy radiating from everyone; the entire space seemed charged with this peculiar, beautiful vitality. I started observing the people—their faces, their eyes, the way they walked and carried themselves. A strange thought crossed my mind: every single one of these people has their own complex life story and unique circumstances, yet regardless of how different those situations may be, the life they have been gifted is identical. No one is greater or lesser than anyone else, no more or less valuable; the being that resides in the consciousness of every individual seemed exactly the same as mine.

After picking up a few things, I headed to the checkout. I paid my bill with a sense of peace and gratitude just for being able to afford those groceries.

I realized how much I used to resist everything, how my life had been one massive internal battlefield. A constant struggle against my emotions, my job, other people, money, successes and failures, inflation and the economy, politics, my past, and my future.

This time, I simply accepted that the groceries cost what they cost. I didn't drag my lack of funds into the transaction—I didn't bring my checking account balance, my mortgage, my job insecurity, or any of the other stressors that define my current life situation into the aisle. I just accepted the price of what I was buying because that was the price. I stopped judging whether something was "worth it" once I had already chosen it; it simply cost that amount of money.

I can either accept this or fight it. Accepting doesn't mean I agree with everything or that I don't care if something costs five dollars or five hundred—I still have to function within my means—but that habit of resisting reality was draining an enormous amount of my life force. Fighting against everything was about as effective as trying to put out a forest fire with napalm. Not only would the fire remain, but you'd just end up with an explosion right in your face. An explosion of negative feelings, attitudes, and thoughts that would flood my consciousness, narrowing my horizons to the point where I couldn't perceive anything beautiful around me. Everything else became trivial; the only thing that mattered was me and my problems.

Any well-meaning criticism or suggestion like, "You should just enjoy the little things," used to trigger a violent reaction in me. I was sick of those clichés. The problem was that I didn't know *how* to enjoy things. It didn't matter if they were small or large. The issue wasn't the objects themselves or my arrogance; it was my insecurity. Until that eternal presence within me was finally set free, I was incapable of enjoying anything.

Dear readers, no, I haven't suddenly become enlightened or some kind of guru. I don't think I'm suddenly "cured" and capable of tossing my medication aside—I am still taking my prescriptions—but I do feel a sense of freedom, energy, beauty, and joy.

I feel free. This feeling of liberation from everything, this sense of absolute freedom, is wonderful. Many people turn to alcohol to find that release, to push back their boundaries and walls. Many turn to drugs to chase that sensation of freedom. If only they knew how close it actually is. So close, yet seemingly so far. I don't know why it works that way, but it seems everyone's spiritual path is unique, and we each have to walk it alone.

Life’s struggles and worries remain plenty, and my external circumstances haven't shifted much, but I have undergone an internal transformation. I have learned how to detach myself from the surrounding chaos. When the weight of everything becomes too much, I retreat into my own depths to reconnect with my true self, attempting to view my situation from a different perspective—looking at myself through a different lens entirely. The peace and love that flow from that center provide the strength I need to persevere. While the future remains uncertain, I feel a profound inner conviction that everything will unfold exactly as it should, and that every upcoming event, just like everything that came before, will serve to guide me along my spiritual path.
The fear of the future and of life itself has been replaced by a total trust in existence, a complete surrender to its hands. It is about accepting every hardship and every circumstance. There is no longer any hesitation over what is fair or unfair, whether I deserve this or that, or how others are faring compared to me. There is no comparison, no competition, and no concept of winners or losers.

I am here for all eternity. Realizing this has restored my self-confidence. Even the threats I faced at work felt as though they passed right through me without causing any disturbance. They didn't make me nervous, argumentative, or afraid. It was as if nothing could disrupt my essence or cause me harm. When I experienced them, I actually felt like laughing. Out of politeness, I maintained a facade of seriousness and concern, but internally, I laughed at the transience of it all and simply moved on.

Furthermore, I held no resentment toward my boss in either my heart or my mind. I simply wasn't angry. I spent the rest of the week working with the same enthusiasm, striving to channel as much creative energy as possible, giving my all, and contributing my best.

I feel secure within myself. This confidence is reflected in my speech and my posture.
That old habit of looking down, that sense of shame or fear when meeting someone's gaze, has vanished completely. Now, I approach everyone with joy, looking people straight in the eyes. When I meet someone's gaze, I feel as though I am reaching their very soul, connecting with them on a higher plane, and finding a way to offer them something. It feels as though I can give of myself through that brief, honest look. That is my purpose in this life I've been gifted: to burn like a candle, lighting the way for others on their own journeys. I want to utilize my talents and abilities to their fullest potential, and I trust that my true self will find the way to achieve that.

Every individual represents a "self"—a being that has always existed and will never cease to be. When I observe people, I see that eternal essence within every human being, visible whenever I look them in the eyes. The reality I am currently experiencing is the very foundation that allowed me to achieve self-discovery, to find my own life, my inner strength, and my eternal flame.

The reality I inhabit here is merely a single fragment of my existence, one tiny piece of a vast mosaic.
After enduring a grueling journey through depression, hopelessness, anxiety, and deep-seated insecurities—after thousands upon thousands of swallowed pills—for the first time in many years, I finally feel comfortable in my own skin. I feel free. I wouldn't trade this freedom for anything in the world. It is so wonderful to simply be me. It is beautiful to be myself.

I feel a profound connection to everything surrounding me; I sense a sense of unity and an boundless love for all things. There is an incredible energy that permeates every living thing and every object.

I have fallen in love with myself. Only now can I truly know God, and only now can I love God, because I have learned to love myself exactly as I am. I have managed to peer into the depths where my true being resides—my core self—which is wrapped in eternal peace, allowing me to realize that I am much more than just my physical appearance.

Within that depth lies what is eternal, what has existed forever and will exist forevermore. That is my soul, my essence; that is who I am. It is the solid anchor I can always grasp when life gets difficult. It is the very core of my existence. When I look deeply within myself, I can feel it; I can perceive it as a field of infinite energy and infinite magnitude. Within it, everything is calm and unchanging; it never shifts.
In this world of constant flux, how wonderful it is to possess a self that can never and will not change. A self that I lived, that I live now, and that I will continue to live. I am immeasurable, and just as God is immeasurable—I cannot fully comprehend or penetrate that mystery with my mind, and perhaps I never will.
It is so difficult to know God without first knowing and understanding oneself. I feel as though I have uncovered only a tiny fraction of that great mystery. I sense His existence, yet I also feel how far away I am from Him. He is the eternal light, the everlasting flame. I find myself in the darkness, but regardless, I feel His presence. I must call out to Him with my entire being, with all my strength. I must move closer to the Creator; I feel that He is something even more beautiful, far greater than myself, even though I am a wonder too.

I love you. You are what I have been searching for since I was just a little boy. You are that timeless, eternal, and universal reality that exists forever. You are my true love, my true self, both earthly and eternal. By knowing you, I have known my eternal peace, the depth of my soul, and the secret of my everlasting existence.

My life belongs to me alone; I am one and unique. My parents were merely the vessels for my incarnation, but they did not grant me life. My son is not just my son; he is a "self," a being that has always been and will always be. His physical smallness cannot diminish his greatness, the magnitude of his soul, or the depth of his existence.

The whole world breathes as one single organism; it pulses along with our planet as it rotates around the sun and travels through the cosmos. There are so many beautiful beings on this Earth; if only I could meet them all. Imagine the richness that would be. So many different, yet so many similar.

God is a great mystery. We will never be able to fully know God. The Kingdom of Heaven is within you, Jesus said. Look into your own heart, look into the depths of your soul; strive to be both the observer and the object being observed at the same time. Who is the one observing? Who is this consciousness? Who is this being?

That consciousness is the "I"—the infinite, timeless, nameless self. It is the eternal observer of yourself. Become aware of that. Become aware of this self-awareness; fall silent, find stillness, and observe its depth. How far does this consciousness reach? Where are its boundaries? What does it think, what does it feel, what does it look like?

I truly enjoy marveling at this reality, which is wondrous, and of which we are all small parts. There is beauty in the bustle of a shopping mall just as there is in the solitude of the forest. It is a special charm to be a part of this reality.

Life is truly magnificent. It is a gift and a grace from God, a blessing bestowed by our Creator. Once you finally discover who you really are, living becomes much easier. Every struggle, every hurdle I face, feels like nothing more than a tiny pebble tossed into the vast ocean of my reality. Sure, I can get angry, I can feel frustrated, and I still experience those very human negative emotions, but I always find my way back to a state of eternal peace. It is the kind of peace that surpasses all understanding, just as Jesus taught us.

The life I lead, the career I pursue, the car I drive, and everything else I own no longer have the power to hold me captive. I am liberated from all those chains and attachments. My inner self is completely indifferent to them. Don't get me wrong—I might still desire something material, or I might set a goal I want to achieve, but it no longer stems from a place of dark determination or a desperate need to prove myself better than others based on, dare I say, primitive motives. If I want something, I want it, but I simultaneously accept a life without it. If it doesn't happen, I simply understand that it wasn't meant for me. I won't go blaming the entire universe if I don't get what I want.

Right now, I find it difficult to sit down and read books because I am experiencing everything so intensely that I feel a profound need to write one instead. My life, my actual reality, is an unwritten book.

Reading spiritual books without actually living through the experiences is a lot like reading about how to ride a bicycle. You could read fifty-five different manuals on cycling technique, but you will never truly know what it feels like to ride until you actually get on and try it. Only then, through the fullness of sensation, will you understand. You experience it with every sense, with your entire being, and that is an experience you never forget. And once you have mastered riding a bike, that knowledge stays with you forever.

In the same way, you can never forget the feeling of your true self once you have finally touched it. That sensation remains there forever, varying only in its intensity.