My eternal self

Every individual represents a "self"—a being that has always existed and will never cease to be. When I observe people, I see that eternal essence within every human being, visible whenever I look them in the eyes. The reality I am currently experiencing is the very foundation that allowed me to achieve self-discovery, to find my own life, my inner strength, and my eternal flame.

The reality I inhabit here is merely a single fragment of my existence, one tiny piece of a vast mosaic.
After enduring a grueling journey through depression, hopelessness, anxiety, and deep-seated insecurities—after thousands upon thousands of swallowed pills—for the first time in many years, I finally feel comfortable in my own skin. I feel free. I wouldn't trade this freedom for anything in the world. It is so wonderful to simply be me. It is beautiful to be myself.

I feel a profound connection to everything surrounding me; I sense a sense of unity and an boundless love for all things. There is an incredible energy that permeates every living thing and every object.

I have fallen in love with myself. Only now can I truly know God, and only now can I love God, because I have learned to love myself exactly as I am. I have managed to peer into the depths where my true being resides—my core self—which is wrapped in eternal peace, allowing me to realize that I am much more than just my physical appearance.

Within that depth lies what is eternal, what has existed forever and will exist forevermore. That is my soul, my essence; that is who I am. It is the solid anchor I can always grasp when life gets difficult. It is the very core of my existence. When I look deeply within myself, I can feel it; I can perceive it as a field of infinite energy and infinite magnitude. Within it, everything is calm and unchanging; it never shifts.
In this world of constant flux, how wonderful it is to possess a self that can never and will not change. A self that I lived, that I live now, and that I will continue to live. I am immeasurable, and just as God is immeasurable—I cannot fully comprehend or penetrate that mystery with my mind, and perhaps I never will.
It is so difficult to know God without first knowing and understanding oneself. I feel as though I have uncovered only a tiny fraction of that great mystery. I sense His existence, yet I also feel how far away I am from Him. He is the eternal light, the everlasting flame. I find myself in the darkness, but regardless, I feel His presence. I must call out to Him with my entire being, with all my strength. I must move closer to the Creator; I feel that He is something even more beautiful, far greater than myself, even though I am a wonder too.

I love you. You are what I have been searching for since I was just a little boy. You are that timeless, eternal, and universal reality that exists forever. You are my true love, my true self, both earthly and eternal. By knowing you, I have known my eternal peace, the depth of my soul, and the secret of my everlasting existence.

My life belongs to me alone; I am one and unique. My parents were merely the vessels for my incarnation, but they did not grant me life. My son is not just my son; he is a "self," a being that has always been and will always be. His physical smallness cannot diminish his greatness, the magnitude of his soul, or the depth of his existence.

The whole world breathes as one single organism; it pulses along with our planet as it rotates around the sun and travels through the cosmos. There are so many beautiful beings on this Earth; if only I could meet them all. Imagine the richness that would be. So many different, yet so many similar.

God is a great mystery. We will never be able to fully know God. The Kingdom of Heaven is within you, Jesus said. Look into your own heart, look into the depths of your soul; strive to be both the observer and the object being observed at the same time. Who is the one observing? Who is this consciousness? Who is this being?

That consciousness is the "I"—the infinite, timeless, nameless self. It is the eternal observer of yourself. Become aware of that. Become aware of this self-awareness; fall silent, find stillness, and observe its depth. How far does this consciousness reach? Where are its boundaries? What does it think, what does it feel, what does it look like?

I truly enjoy marveling at this reality, which is wondrous, and of which we are all small parts. There is beauty in the bustle of a shopping mall just as there is in the solitude of the forest. It is a special charm to be a part of this reality.

Life is truly magnificent. It is a gift and a grace from God, a blessing bestowed by our Creator. Once you finally discover who you really are, living becomes much easier. Every struggle, every hurdle I face, feels like nothing more than a tiny pebble tossed into the vast ocean of my reality. Sure, I can get angry, I can feel frustrated, and I still experience those very human negative emotions, but I always find my way back to a state of eternal peace. It is the kind of peace that surpasses all understanding, just as Jesus taught us.

The life I lead, the career I pursue, the car I drive, and everything else I own no longer have the power to hold me captive. I am liberated from all those chains and attachments. My inner self is completely indifferent to them. Don't get me wrong—I might still desire something material, or I might set a goal I want to achieve, but it no longer stems from a place of dark determination or a desperate need to prove myself better than others based on, dare I say, primitive motives. If I want something, I want it, but I simultaneously accept a life without it. If it doesn't happen, I simply understand that it wasn't meant for me. I won't go blaming the entire universe if I don't get what I want.

Right now, I find it difficult to sit down and read books because I am experiencing everything so intensely that I feel a profound need to write one instead. My life, my actual reality, is an unwritten book.

Reading spiritual books without actually living through the experiences is a lot like reading about how to ride a bicycle. You could read fifty-five different manuals on cycling technique, but you will never truly know what it feels like to ride until you actually get on and try it. Only then, through the fullness of sensation, will you understand. You experience it with every sense, with your entire being, and that is an experience you never forget. And once you have mastered riding a bike, that knowledge stays with you forever.

In the same way, you can never forget the feeling of your true self once you have finally touched it. That sensation remains there forever, varying only in its intensity.

Way to go! 🙂

Major props to them! ;-)

Yeah, that’s a hell of a story you got there. But when you say you actually fell in love with yourself... what part of you are we talking about here? What was it that caught your eye? And honestly, what does "being in love" even mean to you?

Elizabeth Castillo87 said:Yeah, that’s a hell of a story you got there. But when you say you actually fell in love with yourself... what part of you are we talking about here? What was it that caught your eye? And honestly, what does "being in love" even mean to you?

Maybe the guy was just having some sort of intense, transcendental epiphany—you know, like he finally grasped the core essence of his own soul. Or maybe his third eye just popped open out of nowhere. Either way, it's a lovely bit of writing. The real tragedy is that life rarely actually works out that poetically.

Benjamin Taylor6 said:Maybe the guy was just having some sort of intense, transcendental epiphany—you know, like he finally grasped the core essence of his own soul. Or maybe his third eye just popped open out of nowhere. Either way, it's a lovely bit of writing. The real tragedy is that life rarely actually works out that poetically.

I don't know. To me, it feels like once you actually catch a glimpse of the soul, you realize that my soul, an amoeba's soul, the soul of some caveman, and the soul of every single living thing are all one and the same. We're all interconnected.
So what are we even falling in love with then? Isn't "love" just a fancy word for a chemical surge in our hormones?

Thanks so much, everyone, for reading and for all your responses... I’ll keep writing, and I think the best way to answer you is through my own reflections. :-)

The next morning, I woke up feeling completely energized. Usually, my first thought is a heavy, "Ugh, not again—just another day," but this time, that was replaced by a genuine sense of joy and excitement to face the day. It was an indescribable sensation for me.

I was practically itching to experience something ordinary. Every mundane thing felt incredibly extraordinary. I headed out to a local grocery store to pick up some food. I found myself just staring at the vibrant colors of the fruits and vegetables. The sheer variety of shapes and hues felt perfect. It hit me then that I had stopped taking anything for granted; I was looking at everything through the eyes of a child discovering the world for the first time. People were bustling around me, placing items in their carts. I could feel such a surge of energy radiating from everyone; the entire space seemed charged with this peculiar, beautiful vitality. I started observing the people—their faces, their eyes, the way they walked and carried themselves. A strange thought crossed my mind: every single one of these people has their own complex life story and unique circumstances, yet regardless of how different those situations may be, the life they have been gifted is identical. No one is greater or lesser than anyone else, no more or less valuable; the being that resides in the consciousness of every individual seemed exactly the same as mine.

After picking up a few things, I headed to the checkout. I paid my bill with a sense of peace and gratitude just for being able to afford those groceries.

I realized how much I used to resist everything, how my life had been one massive internal battlefield. A constant struggle against my emotions, my job, other people, money, successes and failures, inflation and the economy, politics, my past, and my future.

This time, I simply accepted that the groceries cost what they cost. I didn't drag my lack of funds into the transaction—I didn't bring my checking account balance, my mortgage, my job insecurity, or any of the other stressors that define my current life situation into the aisle. I just accepted the price of what I was buying because that was the price. I stopped judging whether something was "worth it" once I had already chosen it; it simply cost that amount of money.

I can either accept this or fight it. Accepting doesn't mean I agree with everything or that I don't care if something costs five dollars or five hundred—I still have to function within my means—but that habit of resisting reality was draining an enormous amount of my life force. Fighting against everything was about as effective as trying to put out a forest fire with napalm. Not only would the fire remain, but you'd just end up with an explosion right in your face. An explosion of negative feelings, attitudes, and thoughts that would flood my consciousness, narrowing my horizons to the point where I couldn't perceive anything beautiful around me. Everything else became trivial; the only thing that mattered was me and my problems.

Any well-meaning criticism or suggestion like, "You should just enjoy the little things," used to trigger a violent reaction in me. I was sick of those clichés. The problem was that I didn't know *how* to enjoy things. It didn't matter if they were small or large. The issue wasn't the objects themselves or my arrogance; it was my insecurity. Until that eternal presence within me was finally set free, I was incapable of enjoying anything.

Dear readers, no, I haven't suddenly become enlightened or some kind of guru. I don't think I'm suddenly "cured" and capable of tossing my medication aside—I am still taking my prescriptions—but I do feel a sense of freedom, energy, beauty, and joy.

I feel free. This feeling of liberation from everything, this sense of absolute freedom, is wonderful. Many people turn to alcohol to find that release, to push back their boundaries and walls. Many turn to drugs to chase that sensation of freedom. If only they knew how close it actually is. So close, yet seemingly so far. I don't know why it works that way, but it seems everyone's spiritual path is unique, and we each have to walk it alone.

Life’s struggles and worries remain plenty, and my external circumstances haven't shifted much, but I have undergone an internal transformation. I have learned how to detach myself from the surrounding chaos. When the weight of everything becomes too much, I retreat into my own depths to reconnect with my true self, attempting to view my situation from a different perspective—looking at myself through a different lens entirely. The peace and love that flow from that center provide the strength I need to persevere. While the future remains uncertain, I feel a profound inner conviction that everything will unfold exactly as it should, and that every upcoming event, just like everything that came before, will serve to guide me along my spiritual path.
The fear of the future and of life itself has been replaced by a total trust in existence, a complete surrender to its hands. It is about accepting every hardship and every circumstance. There is no longer any hesitation over what is fair or unfair, whether I deserve this or that, or how others are faring compared to me. There is no comparison, no competition, and no concept of winners or losers.

I am here for all eternity. Realizing this has restored my self-confidence. Even the threats I faced at work felt as though they passed right through me without causing any disturbance. They didn't make me nervous, argumentative, or afraid. It was as if nothing could disrupt my essence or cause me harm. When I experienced them, I actually felt like laughing. Out of politeness, I maintained a facade of seriousness and concern, but internally, I laughed at the transience of it all and simply moved on.

Furthermore, I held no resentment toward my boss in either my heart or my mind. I simply wasn't angry. I spent the rest of the week working with the same enthusiasm, striving to channel as much creative energy as possible, giving my all, and contributing my best.

I feel secure within myself. This confidence is reflected in my speech and my posture.
That old habit of looking down, that sense of shame or fear when meeting someone's gaze, has vanished completely. Now, I approach everyone with joy, looking people straight in the eyes. When I meet someone's gaze, I feel as though I am reaching their very soul, connecting with them on a higher plane, and finding a way to offer them something. It feels as though I can give of myself through that brief, honest look. That is my purpose in this life I've been gifted: to burn like a candle, lighting the way for others on their own journeys. I want to utilize my talents and abilities to their fullest potential, and I trust that my true self will find the way to achieve that.

God isn't some unsolvable enigma; you’ll finally grasp His essence once you truly understand yourself, because you are His manifestation—His very dream.
I'll dive into the rest of this tomorrow, but I have a feeling... you're getting close.

You might need to hang in there for a few more weeks; you just can't sustain that level of intensity indefinitely.
Look, I don't want to sound harsh or cynical, but what you’re describing sounds exactly like my own manic episodes. There isn't much difference. These states are always deeply personal, and honestly, mania can feel like a divine, pure experience—though that really depends on the person. If someone is spiritually inclined, they’ll express it through that lens. But if they lack any spiritual insight or are driven by ego, they’ll just experience it as this overwhelming, intense rush. Regardless, it’s usually mania, and it almost always follows a natural cycle of anxiety or depression.

That’s just wonderful, Drew Gray4, seriously. This is honestly the first topic today that has actually put a smile on my face. I am genuinely happy for you, and I totally get where you’re coming from with this. It was really kind of you to share that with all of us. Please, keep them coming.🙂

The figure currently sits somewhere between 400 and 600.

@ Drew Gray4 🙂
(Look, I’m not trying to psychoanalyze you here. I’m just making associations, if you’ll let me.)

Elizabeth Castillo87 said:Yeah, that’s a hell of a story you got there. But when you say you actually fell in love with yourself... what part of you are we talking about here? What was it that caught your eye? And honestly, what does "being in love" even mean to you?

I’m not exactly out there living this stuff; I’m more of a bookworm—a theorist, really.

Eugen Drewermann puts it this way when looking at the bigger picture:
Falling in love is the freedom to create necessity.
You can't force yourself to fall in love, but once you do, that person becomes absolutely vital and necessary to you.
Freedom establishes necessity; it isn't just some random accident.

It’s the same with a real decision: choosing freely is what creates that sense of necessity.
The only thing that matters is what a person chooses through their own freedom. What they "have" to do doesn't mean much.

That’s how you escape pure chance. You move past the randomness and the trivialities, and suddenly everything carries weight and value.
I won't get into the whole Drewermann/God thing right now, though.

And honestly, I see that clearly reflected in what @ Drew Gray4 wrote. It's good. Even if the intensity of that realization eventually fades, you’ll end up carrying something meaningful with you for the rest of your life—rather than nothing at all. Makes the world feel a little less chaotic.

> Isn't falling in love just a hormonal rush?

Sure, there might be some empirical correlations there. But correlation isn't causation.

The magic of self-discovery 😍

Thanks to everyone for the replies. I honestly haven't had a spare second to write anything new.

@Michael Gonzalez77, I’ve been giving that some thought, and I really hope that isn't the case here. For what it's worth, I’m keeping both feet firmly planted on the ground; I’m not drifting off into any delusions or making any irrational moves.

Bradley Roberts10, I’m truly glad my story could bring a smile to your face.

@analoghawk13, you’re definitely the expert here. I don't dive nearly as deep into all this technical stuff as you do, so I have to admit I'm a bit lost following some of what you wrote! :-) Still, I’m keeping my fingers crossed that you're right—if the intensity starts to fade, I really hope some of that value sticks around.

@silvermason2, have you ever dealt with something like this? I can't help but laugh about it. :-)

@electrictinker26, thanks a ton. I really dig this chart. It makes me wonder—if humanity actually managed to leap to the very top, what kind of massive turning point would that represent in the grand timeline of our civilization?

@Michelle Sanchez2, I hope to encounter even just a fragment of God. To me, He feels somewhat separate from my own being. While I believe my "self" is eternal, God remains something indescribable—an everlasting light that I can feel deeply, yet He feels incredibly distant from me.

Dennis Nguyen, thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Hey, silvermason2 :-) It’s actually pretty difficult to pin down the exact definition of love or being "in love." Maybe I’m even using the wrong terminology—I can't say for sure. One thing is certain: this isn't that narcissistic obsession where you spend all day staring at your own reflection. In fact, I don't look in the mirror much at all; instead, I find myself looking inward, focusing on my true self and my soul. The reason I opened up about these feelings is because I spent almost my entire life feeling ashamed of who I was. I struggled with my body, my character, and everything else, constantly feeling like I was somehow less than everyone else or simply worthless. That’s why I say I’ve fallen in love with myself. To be more precise, I think I’ve become captivated by my own timeless, infinite essence. Because of that shift, I’ve started viewing my physical body through a completely different lens. I have real self-confidence now. I can look people straight in the eye when I speak, I’m not afraid to voice my actual thoughts, and I finally accept myself exactly as I am. I am who I am.

You are God inhabiting a human vessel; nothing exists outside of Him, as everything is an extension of His being. Life itself is merely His dream.
While you might find this perspective unsettling right now, don't be discouraged. I felt the exact same way when I started out. Bit by bit, you will arrive at the realization I’m describing—an epiphany so profound that you won't even be able to find the words to explain it to anyone else.

Bottom line: if you’re feeling steady, and if that stability actually sticks—meaning you aren't sliding back into those old patterns—then I’ll be genuinely happy for you. 🙂

Drew Gray4 said:Thanks to everyone for the replies. I honestly haven't had a spare second to write anything new.

@Michael Gonzalez77, I’ve been giving that some thought, and I really hope that isn't the case here. For what it's worth, I’m keeping both feet firmly planted on the ground; I’m not drifting off into any delusions or making any irrational moves.

Bradley Roberts10, I’m truly glad my story could bring a smile to your face.

@analoghawk13, you’re definitely the expert here. I don't dive nearly as deep into all this technical stuff as you do, so I have to admit I'm a bit lost following some of what you wrote! :-) Still, I’m keeping my fingers crossed that you're right—if the intensity starts to fade, I really hope some of that value sticks around.

@silvermason2, have you ever dealt with something like this? I can't help but laugh about it. :-)

@electrictinker26, thanks a ton. I really dig this chart. It makes me wonder—if humanity actually managed to leap to the very top, what kind of massive turning point would that represent in the grand timeline of our civilization?

@Michelle Sanchez2, I hope to encounter even just a fragment of God. To me, He feels somewhat separate from my own being. While I believe my "self" is eternal, God remains something indescribable—an everlasting light that I can feel deeply, yet He feels incredibly distant from me.

Dennis Nguyen, thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Hey, silvermason2 :-) It’s actually pretty difficult to pin down the exact definition of love or being "in love." Maybe I’m even using the wrong terminology—I can't say for sure. One thing is certain: this isn't that narcissistic obsession where you spend all day staring at your own reflection. In fact, I don't look in the mirror much at all; instead, I find myself looking inward, focusing on my true self and my soul. The reason I opened up about these feelings is because I spent almost my entire life feeling ashamed of who I was. I struggled with my body, my character, and everything else, constantly feeling like I was somehow less than everyone else or simply worthless. That’s why I say I’ve fallen in love with myself. To be more precise, I think I’ve become captivated by my own timeless, infinite essence. Because of that shift, I’ve started viewing my physical body through a completely different lens. I have real self-confidence now. I can look people straight in the eye when I speak, I’m not afraid to voice my actual thoughts, and I finally accept myself exactly as I am. I am who I am.

Exactly. Honestly, I'm still processing it all, bit by bit, every single day... You don't have any choice left but to laugh!

God lives within all of us. You can feel it whenever you try to see the true value in people—when you look at them through the eyes of a parent, a sibling, or a child. At the end of the day, God’s heart is just like a parent's heart. Any parent knows that no matter what their kid pulls, they aren't going anywhere. That kind of love isn't conditional.

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy Note

Dennis Nguyen said:God lives within all of us. You can feel it whenever you try to see the true value in people—when you look at them through the eyes of a parent, a sibling, or a child. At the end of the day, God’s heart is just like a parent's heart. Any parent knows that no matter what their kid pulls, they aren't going anywhere. That kind of love isn't conditional.

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy Note

🙏 Such a beautiful, pure quote. It really radiates.

Michael Gonzalez77 said:🙏 Such a beautiful, pure quote. It really radiates.

I'm no emoji expert, so I had to look up what that smiley actually means. According to Google, you're looking confused. If that's the case, was the next part meant to be a joke, or am I just totally misreading the vibe?

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy S23 using Reddit