I feel like I'm meant for something more...
in Spirituality ·
electrictiger25 said:I honestly don’t even know where to begin. On paper, my life looks absolutely flawless—I’m young, I’ve got my head on straight, I’m nearly wrapping up my degree, I look decent enough, I’ve been in a stable relationship for several years now, and I have plenty of hobbies to keep me busy... Yet, for the last year or two, this creeping sense of emptiness and anxiety has started to settle in. I suspect it’s tied to the fact that I’m rapidly approaching that stage of life where society expects you to land a career, settle down, start a family, and just slide effortlessly into some "happily ever after" script. It is particularly grating when my parents start their usual litany of expectations: "Well, in two or three years, you'll probably have a baby, so you should start preparing... We need to start saving up for your wedding... You really need to find a job in your field," and so on and so forth. My best friend is following the exact same trajectory; she’s finishing up college and we spend our coffee dates discussing wedding guest lists, the struggle of the job hunt, and how she’ll likely have kids within the next couple of years...
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It makes me wonder, what exactly are we? Are we just some kind of pre-programmed biological machines? Does anyone actually bother to ask if *I* want any of this? Why am I supposed to have a child just because it’s considered "normal" or because "that's what everyone does"? Why am I expected to marry and "settle down"? Whenever I pose these questions to my family, they look at me as if I’ve completely lost my mind—most of the time they just ignore me entirely and steamroll ahead with their lectures about how things "must" be done. Even when I was a little girl, I never played with baby dolls, I never spent my time daydreaming about a white wedding, and I never harbored any desire for children (and I certainly don't have any now). So why on earth should I suddenly undergo this transformation just to satisfy an external expectation? This is my life, and mine alone. Don't get me wrong, my parents don't have much sway over my actual decisions—I'll ultimately do whatever I want regardless of whether they disown me or not—but these constant expectations are profoundly disorienting...
Please don't take this the wrong way; I’m not trying to offend anyone. There are people who find genuine bliss in marriage and parenthood, who truly love that lifestyle, and more power to them. But I crave something more substantial than that; I refuse to live my life according to a cookie-cutter template. Find a job, work a standard 9-to-5, pick up the kids from school, prep breakfast and dinner, have intimacy with a spouse in the evening... and repeat that loop for thirty years? Then eventually get some grandkids, retire, and spend my mornings picking out produce at the local supermarket... Is that it? Is that the entirety of a human existence? 😲
Tell me, am I losing my mind for wanting something more (even if I can't quite articulate what that "something" is)? I feel a profound sense of pity for myself when I realize that at only 23, I already feel this utterly miserable... if this is how it feels now, what does the future hold? I've become disillusioned with people, too; I only have one true friend left (though even with her, I don't feel I can truly open up), and I simply lack the energy to invest in building relationships with anyone else. I find I only truly connect with animals; at least they are honest and instinctual. Perhaps I should just pop a few antidepressants. Then I could just fake a smile, wear a mask, retreat into my own little shell, and pretend to be fulfilled and happy just like everyone else. 🤷
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Interesting... This touches on something I've been thinking about for years.
What your parents are saying is really just them echoing current social norms. Their perspectives aren't even truly theirs; they were handed down by society. You could find endless examples of this.
It’s a tragedy for most people. They swallow up these external ideas and societal expectations, and the worst part is they don't even realize it—they genuinely believe those thoughts are their own. They can't see or think outside the "box" they've been placed in.
Let's be real, most of us have had our brains "washed" in a similar way. The only difference is that some individuals realize they've been programmed, snap out of it, and try to think for themselves.
You aren't crazy. If anyone is crazy, it's the people living their lives like robots (as you so accurately put it).
Keep asking that question. Keep sitting with it. I believe the answer will come to you eventually—maybe not as a concrete fact, but more as a feeling or an inner drive. Maybe that's just intuition? Who knows.
And I'll leave you with a fitting quote:
“If you end up with a boring miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest, or some guy on television telling you how to do your shit, then you deserve it.”
― Frank Zappa