Posts by hiddenheron58

Sam Murphy said:You really need a firmer hand in the house, because whenever my boys start acting up like that, I step right into the middle of the fray and break them up just to remind them who’s actually in charge... I’ve already made it crystal clear to them that once they graduate high school, if they plan on continuing this nonsense, they can find somewhere else to live. My wife struggles to keep them in line too, and honestly, even you seem to have a hard time since all your nagging doesn't seem to stick, and I truly don't know what happened to kids these days, though I suspect it all stems from this overly permissive, liberal attitude we see in our schools and throughout society at large. Back in my day, things were different; if you messed up, a teacher or a parent would give you a sharp slap to set you straight, and everyone knew their place... I suppose I can be a bit too soft sometimes, letting them push the boundaries until they eventually walk all over me, which leads to a massive blowout, followed by a period of good behavior before the whole cycle starts all over again, and sometimes I just sit back and wonder why I even bother going through all this trouble...

And isn't it possible that your little one might be part of the reason for the divorce? I mean, did his behavior actually start when things began to cool down between you and your husband? It’s not entirely clear to me how someone decides to divorce just because a man won't go out much, especially since boys tend to be incredibly sensitive to their parents splitting up, and more often than not, they end up blaming their mother...

I agree about needing a firmer hand. My ex used to talk to me like I was some kind of idiot, and my son picked up on that perfectly. Now he treats both me and his sister the exact same way his father did. For instance, he'll tell me, "Go to the kitchen, that's where you belong," and I swear, I feel like killing him rather than just slapping him. Whenever there was tension, my husband would come to me and condescendingly ask in front of the kids, "Why are you putting so much pressure on him again?" I’d nearly lose my mind because he’d start every conversation assuming I was the problem instead of the boy. So I'd defend myself, and the kids would watch it happen—except my daughter doesn't throw it in my face like he does, while my son does it multiple times a day. I didn't get divorced because he wouldn't go out; that was just one thing in a long list. Here's a few examples: in twenty years of marriage, he never took me to dinner, never bought me a single thing, and never took the kids anywhere. Not to the beach, not to a game, not to the park, not to a friend's house, not on a field trip, not for a bike ride, not fishing... he never even played cards with our son. Man, don't get me started. We've never even been to a ski resort, even though we live ten minutes away from one, and we only went to the coast twice—and I cried for a year before my mom finally gave me the money for it. I was a fool for not leaving ten years ago, but I stayed for the kids, and well, look how that turned out...

Douglas Moore92 said:It's more than just hormones, and I guess this won't just fix itself.
Without actual professional help, things probably won't get better. You need someone who can support you first, so you can actually reach your son and hear him—really hear him. He’s screaming because that’s clearly the only way he knows how to make himself heard. Once you actually listen, maybe then you can get him to cooperate with you, a specialist, his sister, whoever.

There are real experts and then there are people who just pretend to be. Just keep looking until you find someone who actually helps.

For now, maybe try meeting him halfway. He clearly isn't going to come to you. If he comes home from school pissed off, just leave him alone. Don't start with the "son, listen to me" talk or a bunch of questions. I mean, just pick your battles and wait for a better time to talk. Give him space. Not because you don't care, but because he needs room to breathe. Maybe if you give him that, he'll eventually come to you.

And just keep loving him. Always. But do it quietly. He needs to know you're there without feeling smothered.

Try not to take sides when they fight, or you'll just be adding fuel to the fire. That just makes it harder for the siblings to bond. You aren't a judge. You're their mom, and you love them both the same. Regardless of who started it, it takes two to tango.

When they're fighting, just try to break the cycle of insults calmly. Even a loud "Enough!" might work. Maybe one day you'll all be able to sit down and actually talk about how everyone feels. Before that happens, try talking to them one-on-one. Don't act like a mediator between them; just focus on them as individuals.

I'm not sure if punishments even work. From what I see, they don't seem to help much. Why keep pushing them? Maybe he just thinks you're punishing him because you don't love him or you favor his sister.

I guess you're going to need a lot of patience, strength—not force—and a ton of love. They need to feel that love from you, more than they see it in what you do.

You put this so beautifully. This is exactly the kind of support I imagined—something helpful without being accusatory or overly pessimistic. In principle, I understand everything being said because I can see what's happening in my house, but when things pile up and I'm overwhelmed, I just need someone to calmly explain things and reiterate the obvious. It helps me find my footing again... thanks.

Peter Brooks5 said:If this is really what's happening, you have a massive problem.
Look, protect your daughter.
Get him away from the family as soon as possible.
There are doctors and facilities for this.
The older he gets, the bigger the problems will become, and they'll be things you can never fix again. You'll just end up with someone who grows up to physically abuse and harass you.
Listening to all the advice on these forums won't solve anything. You know that better than anyone, because if it worked, you wouldn't be here on the forum looking for help.
Good luck.

But don't you think there's even a tiny chance he might calm down? Like, maybe he'll just grow out of it once puberty passes and things settle back to normal? Isn't it common for kids to go through these wild phases only to have their hormones level out later?... Is there really no hope at all? It has to be...😢

Susan James said:🤦

I really respect professionals who admit when they aren't equipped to handle a situation and pass the baton, but I honestly feel they missed a beat by not offering you even a tiny bit of guidance. Instead, they just dumped the entire weight of your family's dynamic onto your son, labeling him a "difficult case."

On top of that, I think it's easy to just label a child with a behavioral disorder and wash your hands of it (to check off all the boxes and fill out those bureaucratic forms 🥳). However, I believe the school psychologist could have spent a few hours assessing the communication skills between you and your son, teaching both of you how to use "I" statements, and finding his strengths at school—like sports, art, his friend group, or his relationship with teachers...

Reading through your other posts, I can see how much support you personally need right now. I know you feel like you're hitting a wall everywhere, and while it might sound idealistic, many of his reactions would likely change if you were able to get some support and advice to help shift certain patterns in your own behavior.

It seems to me like you're caught in a cycle between "giving in to everything" and "shutting him out," when what he actually needs is a mix of emotional support and very firm boundaries.
I think that right at this moment, when your whole world feels like it's upside down and you desperately need support yourself, you simply don't have the emotional capacity to be his primary support system.
It's totally normal to just snap sometimes.
What do you do to decompress? Do you have any hobbies or close friends you can lean on?

I'm not sure which city you're in, but local Family Services centers often have great therapists available for free, and there are various non-profits and community organizations that might offer free counseling... it's worth looking into, at least.

I think he is old enough to tell his sister directly:
"I don't want you calling me 'little guy.' My name is [Name], and I want you to address me that way."

It’s definitely worth letting her know that his behavior is upsetting him or feels disrespectful, but at the end of the day, the responsibility lies with her to decide if she wants to change how she acts. Plus, he really needs to learn how to deal with people directly rather than running to Mom for backup—otherwise, you end up with "warring factions" inside your own house whenever she doesn't listen to you.

By the way, kids are allowed to bicker and disagree, but they shouldn't be using insults, getting physical, or throwing things during an argument.
I personally think it's healthy for them to speak their minds and vent about whatever is bothering them. There's no point in suppressing those feelings; instead, just set some very clear ground rules for how they handle disagreements.

Every household deals with "computer drama" when there's only one PC and multiple people trying to use it within the same 24-hour window.
Usually, the best way to fix this is through a family meeting and a public schedule. Just sit down with all three of them, map out school hours and extracurriculars, and figure out specific windows for computer time.
Agree on the plan, and make sure to establish consequences for following the rules versus what happens when someone breaks them...
Let them have their say and express what they want, but make sure your word is the final one—basically, listen to their requests and then wrap them into a realistic framework that actually works.

Can you tell me how you set boundaries and rules? How do you stop the kid from hitting her or insulting me when no punishment or plea seems to work? Let me try to illustrate the situation. Here's an example of our fights... He comes home from school without saying hello. I say,🙏 "For heaven's sake," he walks into his room and slams the door (I'm already starting to lose it here, but I'm holding it together). I say, "Dinner's ready, son. Wash your hands and come to the table..." He won't wash his hands and tells me to get lost. I stay quiet and then try to pivot: "How was school?" and I get an answer like... "Why do you care? Just relax." Then the little girl comes in from school, and as soon as she hears the door open, she comments, "Ugh, she's here, what a total eyesore." I warn him, I try to mediate: "Hey, don't do that, honey, let her be, she's tired and hungry" (and I'm already terrified that her irritability and instigating are going to ruin dinner). She sits down and starts chatting with me, she's being bubbly and energetic, we're laughing, and he's just miserable because her energy bothers him, or our relationship bothers him, or I don't even know what... We try to pull him into the conversation, but he's being rude and pushing us away. Then he either hits her under the table or calls her a "hideous brat." (He acts like he's 10 instead of 15; honestly, it doesn't seem like a normal reaction for those years.) She tells him, "Fine, you're the ugly one!" or "Stop telling me to shut up!" and then he just snaps, slaps her, and starts hurling even worse insults... the poor thing, she's a wreck. I start trying to calm them down, and then he turns on me and says...😳I knew you’d take the pet's side. I try to explain that they were actually the one who started it, but instead, I just end up being called trash and worse. It always spirals into insults and screaming... Can you help me make sense of this? I need advice on how to handle the situation or just how to stay calm, because this kind of thing happens to me every few hours—and over the weekend, it's even more frequent. thanks

northerncobra27 said:I have a child around the same age, and they have a pretty intense, unique personality😁. Even though I haven't faced a situation quite as heavy as yours, I truly understand that sense of despair, and the idea of judging you hasn't even crossed my mind. But honestly, instead of Africa, if I were looking for some actual inner peace, I think I'd head somewhere much further north😁.

What I'm trying to convey is that you need to find support for yourself first so that you actually have the strength to help your child. It sounds like your family is just adding to the weight rather than helping, so maybe just tune out their criticisms. Grandmothers are notorious for having those strange, skewed standards when it comes to their grandkids, so don't let that become another thing you fight about.

I'm really glad you decided to pursue therapy; I truly hope you find someone who has deep experience navigating these kinds of family dynamics.

I hope so too, though it feels like everything depends on finding a private practice, so we'll see... best,

northerncobra27 said:You really are in an incredibly tough spot, and I completely get why you just want to throw your hands up and walk away from it all. But, I hope you realize that you can't actually do that—you’re the adult in this dynamic, and the responsibility falls on you to find the strength to navigate through this and find a way forward. Just waiting for the kid to hit adulthood and move out... well, that’s a pretty grim way to handle things.

Before anything else, you need to sort through this internally—the core issue here isn't just puberty; it goes much deeper than that. Especially if the boy has a formal diagnosis for a behavioral disorder, that’s no small matter. Even if there isn't a specific diagnosis, this has been going on far too long to be brushed off easily, and given how much things change during these years, it could easily escalate if you don't take the right steps now.

I know this might not be what you want to hear, but I'm genuinely concerned that without psychotherapy—ideally family therapy—you won't be able to break out of this cycle. I know it’s expensive, which is always the hurdle, but even just a few sessions with a solid therapist could be a vital starting point if a full course isn't feasible right now (I'm assuming those $667 mentioned refer to about 10 hours of therapy).

One more important thing to keep in mind: try not to go looking for someone to blame, and please don't get lost in the "what ifs." You are exactly where you are right now, and the only way through is to focus on making the best of the situation you currently face.

I think if I were in your shoes, I'd try to find a family therapist and give it a shot. I know I have to endure all of this, but I don't know if you've ever had a child where you genuinely feel like you hate them because of how much they've insulted you. Maybe it's because kids always give their mothers a pass, so after every insult, I end up giving in once the anger fades, and now it's all piled up. It's reached a point where even I, the woman who gave birth to him, can't stand to listen to it anymore because I have my pride, and I can't just take insults indefinitely. My husband used to insult me, my daughter is fine but she's 17 and manipulates my ego, though at least she doesn't insult me. The little one, though... he insults me constantly. And my mom criticizes me, saying, "Poor boy, just go easy on him, it's not his fault, he's just a teenager, you're the one at fault." So I ask myself, am I really that much of an idiot? I cook, I clean, I run around, I put things together, I pull things apart, I go to his school, I go to the psychologist, I go shopping, I iron everything, and everyone just insults me. Then they tell me I'm the pillar of the house and I have to endure it. Now I'm getting a divorce and they tell me, "Forget your ex, you can't count on him, you'll have to do everything yourself." I'm 45, and perimenopause has hit me hard, so I honestly think I should do what a friend jokingly suggested: kick my mom, my ex, and my kids to the curb and just fly off to Africa... go ahead, judge me. There's a saying: you know when you've had enough when you've finally had enough...

Walter Perez14 said:Man, that sounds brutal. Honestly, everything you’re dealing with—raising a kid like that—is just straight-up exhausting.
I wasn't really paying close attention earlier, so my memory's a bit fuzzy, but was he always this defiant? Like, has he always pushed back against every single rule in the house, or did this whole "rebel without a cause" thing just kick in once he hit puberty? If he's been like this since he was in diapers, then you've got a massive uphill battle on your hands. But if it's just a sudden teenage thing... I don't know, maybe you should have laid down the law harder the very first time he acted out.

Growing up, it was just me, my mom, and my brother—he had his own room, while my mom and I shared ours.
Maybe your daughter would actually prefer sharing a room with you over being stuck in there with him. And hey, maybe he’d want that too. You gotta try explaining to him that this setup is a huge compromise you're making just so things can be smoother for everyone—it's a way to make life better because you guys love him.. But look, if he wants this concession, he’s gotta play ball and act right with everyone, especially when it comes to his mom and sister.

Just shower him with love and empathy. Make sure he feels like you're truly in his corner and that you give a damn about him. Seriously, that kind of support will probably do more for him than any shrink in the entire country could ever hope to.
And those nasty words he’s throwing at you—I mean, the fact that he even DARES to speak to you like that is insane—just tell him you literally can't hear him. Tell him you didn't teach him to talk like that, so you don't even recognize the words, and remind him that you KNOW he's a good kid who doesn't actually feel that way.
Things should eventually settle down.
Whatever you do, don't just dump him on his dad. Don't do it. He’ll end up feeling totally abandoned, unloved, and just miserable.
Hang in there. Sending you nothing but strength and good vibes.

Thanks for understanding... I've already tried some of the things you suggested, and I'm still pushing through, but I'm losing my nerve and my will. There are moments when I just think about how much longer until he turns 18 and can go find a job so we can all finally have some peace, but I know that isn't the answer. I didn't bring him into this world just to get rid of him; I brought him here to love him and enjoy him. I can't just take my daughter away from me by sleeping in the living room where I usually am, and it wouldn't be fair to punish her by making her sleep with me just because he's the problem. He's the one causing the trouble, so he should be the one getting the room, not her... there's just no easy fix here, and everything just keeps getting worse.😢

The chances of remodeling right now are zero; I don't have any extra cash lying around, I’m currently going through a divorce, and I’m not working at the moment. My ex and I were sleeping in the living room while giving the bedroom to the kids, though their school schedules are different—not that he really needs his own room as much as my little girl does. He’d rather just crash in the living room and watch TV. Why am I seeing a psychiatrist? Because I first went to the school counselor, and he basically told me he doesn't deal with family dysfunction, so he referred me to a private specialist regarding $667, which I simply can't afford. Then I found a free city-funded clinic, but the woman there told me they only allow up to 12 sessions; if there isn't immediate progress, they move on because they're spread too thin. And that’s exactly what happened. My son had an outburst where he was being verbally abusive toward her, so she recommended this specific adolescent psychiatrist who specializes in anger and aggression. It feels like there were two separate camps in our house, but since I’m on my own starting this month, I’m trying to fix it. I’m being hyper-protective of my son now, but even though my daughter can sense the tension, it feels like nothing I do works... he’s just getting more aggressive. Honestly, I get the feeling that being "nicer" to him actually creates more resistance. This whole divorce started about two years ago. We’re doing it amicably—there was no domestic violence or cheating, just a total mismatch of personalities. He’d lounge around while I was out running errands, or he’d sleep all day while I was active, so the kids only ever saw a cold relationship rather than some traumatic scene of a mother bruised from fighting. I’ve tried everything from setting boundaries to spoiling him, but it feels like he’s just resisting everything. I’ll sit down with him, let him vent his frustrations and desires, but an hour later, he just tramples over all that progress. For example, he hates it when his sister calls him "little man," and he demands I forbid her from saying it. I listen to him, I talk to her, I try to mediate... then he walks in from school and the first thing out of his mouth is, "Where's that idiot? Is she back on the computer again?" She hears him, and then it's war. It looks like typical sibling bickering, but it’s so much worse than that; it escalates into heavy insults and physical fighting (we’ve actually ended up in the ER once). So, I'm not posting here looking for sympathy by claiming "puberty is just how brothers act." This has become unbearable. It's like nothing satisfies him—not the good stuff, not the bad...

Susan James said:But where would you even send him?
😕

I wouldn't call this just typical teenage rebellion. It sounds like something is fundamentally broken in your communication or your relationship, and maybe it's been that way for a while...
It might stem from parenting styles—yours, his father's, or how you both interact with him and his sister collectively...

When did this behavior first start?
Was there a specific change in his life recently?

How is he doing at school? How does he act around other adults or his friends?
What are his interests? What actually makes him happy or brings him joy?
You listed a lot of things he *won't* do... but do you ever sit down and ask him what he *wants* to do?

Nicholas King said:Wait, why would someone be seeing a psychiatrist specifically for behavioral issues? 😕

Because mixed disorders during adolescence are a real thing.

Susan James said:But where would you even send him?
😕

I wouldn't call this just typical teenage rebellion. It sounds like something is fundamentally broken in your communication or your relationship, and maybe it's been that way for a while...
It might stem from parenting styles—yours, his father's, or how you both interact with him and his sister collectively...

When did this behavior first start?
Was there a specific change in his life recently?

How is he doing at school? How does he act around other adults or his friends?
What are his interests? What actually makes him happy or brings him joy?
You listed a lot of things he *won't* do... but do you ever sit down and ask him what he *wants* to do?

I honestly can't pin down when it started; maybe two years ago. My daughter is older, and she's basically distanced herself from him because he acts like an annoying little brother, but they still share a room, so they're forced into each other's space. He gets incredibly jealous of her, which is how the insults started. Once I told him he couldn't talk to his sister that way, he just turned all that aggression toward me. Communication is a total disaster now, and I have no idea how to get back to how things used to be. I know it takes effort, but he's so incredibly rigid that the second I try to show him any affection, I get hit with a barrage of insults. His father has been practically non-existent in our lives—just a stubborn, old-school guy with archaic views. He thinks a woman's place is strictly in the kitchen; he belittles me while shielding the boy, and the kid has definitely picked up on that power dynamic... it's given him a sense of entitlement. Now that I'm getting a divorce, when I mentioned "distancing" him, I meant handing him over to his father so he can finally deal with the consequences himself. But then again, I can't imagine being apart from my child, even though I'm at my breaking point. It's exhausting. Of course I ask him what he wants; I try to accommodate him, sometimes. I cook what he likes, I look at things through his eyes. I beg my daughter to try and connect with him since he clearly needs it, and she tries, but if she asks him to do one simple thing or move out of the way and it's not exactly what he wants, she's suddenly "stupid" or worse. I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right section since I'm new to the forum and don't know the rules yet, so thanks for the input.

Good afternoon. Here comes another desperate mother. I know I’m repeating myself, but I’ve scrolled through every single thread from start to finish and I still haven't found any actual advice on how to survive these days—or years, God forbid. My issue is my 15-year-old son, and to make a long story short, it’s everything he does or refuses to do. He won't study, he refuses to wear his braces, he won't talk to anyone, he won't eat, and he won't listen to a single request... if I ask him to turn off a light, he just leaves it on for me to deal with. But the absolute worst part is the way he insults his older sister and me. He calls us stupid or trash, and there's even worse stuff, but I'm too ashamed to write it down. He’s seeing a psychiatrist because I pushed him to go, but his behavior is actually getting worse. I feel like I've hit a breaking point where I'm seriously considering kicking him out of the house. I could spend my whole life complaining like this, but I've truly reached the end of my rope and I don't know what to do next. I feel like I'm going to lose my mind at times. If there are any kindred spirits out there, I desperately need some advice on how to move forward... A desperate mother🤷