Like I mentioned before, this whole thing just seemed to pop up out of nowhere. At first, I didn't even suspect anything, but then it hit me—this wasn't some one-time slip-up. It’s clearly been going on for months... Whether I handled it perfectly or not, I just wanted to clear the air regarding the smoking situation right away. And honestly, thanks to the ladies on here for all the support and advice. There isn't really a one-size-fits-all solution for how to handle this, since no two kids are the same, and no two parents are the same either. We basically "accepted" the unfortunate smoking habit from about two or three weeks ago... I can't say I'm exactly thrilled with how it all wrapped up. Then again, if I had just ignored it, nothing else of importance would have actually changed in our little lives. Don't get me wrong, she’s only having one, maybe two, maybe three cigarettes a day, and there are days when she doesn't smoke at all. Naturally, my first instinct was to just look the other way. Last week she had a pack, this week it's another one. I don't even comment on it anymore; I'm just over it. It almost feels like she was actually smoking more when it was "forbidden fruit," sneaking around with that friend of hers whenever she felt like it. If she keeps this up, we'll see... @Sarah Hall53, I know how easy it is to go through a whole pack a day... Still, speaking from experience, even during my worst phases, I never went over 10... and yet, I could never quite quit them, no matter how hard I tried.
More like adolescence. And God forbid there's an even greater evil than cigarettes...
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...man, I hope so. But honestly, it feels like she's even over the whole cigarette thing now. Once she realized I wasn't making a huge deal out of it anymore, it was like all her momentum just vanished. She didn't smoke once all weekend, didn't even head out to find a spot. Today, looking at the pack after work, she hadn't touched them until she stepped out on the balcony this evening for just one. I'm just playing it cool, acting like I don't care about any of it anymore... If she actually loses interest in it, that would be the absolute best-case scenario... 🙏🙏🙏
Well, if she doesn't smoke outside, where else is she supposed to go besides home—especially since she has your blessing? I mean, if you tell her she can't smoke inside, does that mean she just won't smoke anywhere? It's more likely that she just got dumped by you.
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Unfortunately, I ended up getting played all by myself. I have to admit, I really didn't see it coming... It was more like I was trying to force a confession because I started looking back at everything and realized her stories about not smoking—and blaming everything on her friend—just didn't add up. And this went on for months. A smart person would've seen through it way sooner, and I can't exactly call myself a genius after all this... If it's any consolation, she probably would've smoked anyway, regardless of whether we gave her the okay. That's just how she is.
Honestly, I’m too embarrassed to even talk about this outside... It’s not some poser move at all. Far from wanting to encourage it, I’d actually be happiest if none of this was happening... but I just can't look the other way.
So, we finally sat down and talked with Goldman Sachs today. I actually handled most of the diplomacy while the wife was away at school—it was honestly easier doing it without her in my ear. He seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say, which isn't usually how these things go... but then he just hits me with: wait, she actually smokes?! ...wow... so what now... do we start buying her packs of Marlboros?! I guess I should have seen that coming. He’s way more laid back than I am. He just shrugged and said if she's going to do it, she might as well do it at home rather than out in public.
A total overachiever is just a classic category, and this one’s a solid 5.00. They know how to coast through the year, but somehow always manages to pull a perfect grade by the end. No one ever disputes that part... I've basically stopped trying to micromanage them at this point. A little bit of a campaign runner, sure, but they have this knack for making those final marks work out, and honestly, that's what counts. My only real gripe is that stubborn streak of theirs.
Weddings aren't really our thing here; we usually just settle everything through a simple conversation. She had been pulling away from me a bit lately, but honestly, if you look at the big picture—especially after that whole smoking incident—it all just felt like a passing phase of puberty. If things had just stayed there, I would’ve been totally fine with it. I guess when you sleep on things, they start to make more sense. Seeing her with a cigarette isn't actually the end of the world. I'm becoming more aware that my reaction was actually pretty spot on. Today, while she had one in hand, she told me I'm the best mom in the world. I told her she was being incredibly cheesy, and that she needs to work on not breaking my trust. She claims she's never done anything like this before (which isn't far from the truth), so she won't start now. I should mention that she's naturally a total straight-A student, both in and out of school... she's never had even the slightest issue with grades or anything like that. Back in my day, smoking was always associated with a certain "type" of kid or family, which is why I reacted so intensely at first. But really, she's just a little overachiever who decided to pick up a habit a bit too early... or as my godmother so perfectly put it, she's just a "nerdy little chicken" testing the waters. My godmother says she'd trade her in right now for her two sons, who don't smoke but find a hundred other ways to act like idiots. So, we made a little deal for a fair trade: two boys for one nerdy girl and a pack of Philip Morris Touch...
After a super long day where both my daughter and I were just pretending nothing weird happened yesterday, I finally looked for the right moment to bring up the elephant in the room. I decided I wasn't going to wait even one more day... Dad has his Sunday night football game, which gave me some much-needed time to talk to her one-on-one. I suggested we step out onto the balcony for a smoke and a serious talk, and she actually agreed, believe it or not... First, I laid it all out from my perspective—how I didn't start smoking until I was relatively late, around 23, and even though I don't go through more than half a pack a day, quitting is such a massive struggle because the addiction is real. She said she totally gets it, that she’s tried to quit too, but she just can't seem to pull it off (though I have my doubts, but okay), and that she feels anxious without them. Lately, she's been averaging about five cigarettes a day. When I asked if she had her own stash, she mentioned she has a friend with a connection somewhere they buy them, so it's not an issue, or she just smokes her friend's cigarettes that her mom buys for her. I told her that's exactly the problem... it creates issues for her personally, and it's wrong for that shop to be selling to her, plus it's just not right to be scrounging off a friend. So, I set some ground rules: I'm the only one buying her cigarettes now. I can maybe tolerate five a day, but anything more than that is a hard no. She can smoke at home, she can smoke mine, and since she clearly hangs out with that friend, she can smoke there... but absolutely not outside, and definitely not around the school grounds. I also made it clear I have no intention of hiding this from her father; it was just a coincidence that I found out first, but I need to figure out how to break the news to him. To wrap things up, I told her again that I'm not happy about how things are going. I won't lecture her on the health risks because she already knows, but I did tell her I'm ready to reward her once she quits. I even got specific about what she'll get, how, and when, provided I'm convinced she's actually done with it. It seems fair on my end... we'll see. The whole thing lasted maybe 15 minutes. We stepped onto the balcony, had two cigarettes each, and that was it. I feel a sense of relief. In return, I'm expecting an honest relationship like the one I initiated. Nothing fundamentally changes, except she won't be hiding things from me anymore, and she'll have to stick to our agreement. So, that's the short version. I'm acting like everything is fine, even though I know it isn't. I can't just turn a blind eye to what I'm seeing, but I don't want to be a cop either. It's easier to just believe I did the right thing and put this situation to rest. Moving forward, there's no going back. Thanks again to everyone for the advice. Now I'm off to do laundry, everything just feels so exhausting...
Sarah Hall53 said:I didn't really pick up the smoking habit until high school—kind of late, actually, right around graduation. My parents were basically my suppliers; they’d buy me packs just to keep the peace, with my dad always saying things like, "Well, if you're going to spend my money anyway, we might as well do it this way so it costs less"—he used to get his connections from some guys working trucking routes out of Canada to get the cheaper stuff. I was actually allowed to smoke at home, too, though with caveats. I couldn't do it in the room I shared with my sister because, you know, "you don't smoke where you sleep," so that was off-limits. They’d nag me about how unhealthy it was every now and then—mostly my dad since he doesn't smoke, while my mom would just roll her eyes and light one up herself just to take the edge off 😬—but that was pretty much the extent of it. If they hadn't been footing the bill for my cigarettes, I probably would've just spent that lunch money on breakfast instead. And if they hadn't let me smoke in the house, I honestly would've just spent way more time wandering around somewhere else. It's not like it would have made me smoke less or, heaven forbid, quit altogether. Just thought I'd offer another perspective.
Thanks again. Honestly, my head is spinning with all these different scenarios I hadn't even considered until yesterday... Based on what you guys said, if I end up letting her smoke, I really have to face the consequences. It’s not an easy call to make. And if that becomes our starting point, there can't be any complaining later... but we’d need a solid agreement on the specifics—where, when, how, and who she’s around while doing it. I'm just not sure how to handle that part yet... Not buying cigarettes while silently nodding along to everyone else smoking... that just feels hypocritical to me. It’s like saying it’s fine as long as someone else is footing the bill. But at the end of the day, if there's a kid involved, it’s my problem too... regardless of whose money is being spent... Stephanie Thanks for the input. High school is a whole different ballgame, though. They’re definitely more aware of what's going on around them, but I honestly think things can get even more complicated once they hit those older teenage years... My kid is currently at that stage, and man, it's a lot to handle... We'll talk today, and then we'll see how things go...
#Kakadu, skyfall, hatter First off, thanks for all the comments... they’re really helping me clear my head. My mood keeps swinging from pure anger to just accepting the facts—realizing this kind of thing happens all the time in America, and there are plenty of bigger issues out there than smoking... just trying to find some comfort in that. I honestly could have seen this coming a long time ago. Even though she kept insisting at first that only her friend was the smoker, I just had this gut feeling that something wasn't right. Regarding the comments about secondhand smoke, I should say that, at least on my end, there hasn't been any exposure. If I smoke, I do it on the balcony or occasionally by the dining room window. My husband quit three years ago. As far as being a role model goes... yeah, I definitely blame myself, no doubt about it. I won't even get into whether she would've started just because of outside influence or if the fault lies solely with me. So, bad example? Yes. Secondhand smoke exposure? Not in our house, anyway. I'm not quite ready to have a serious talk with her yet, and my husband is home today, but I know we need to have this conversation as soon as possible. I need to carefully plan what to say and figure out how to redefine our relationship... I still don't even know where to set boundaries, assuming I'm even in a position to set them. @Cleopatra, thank you. I appreciate the thought that she's already past the "just trying it out" phase, based on what I saw yesterday. I'd be so much happier if I knew this was just an experimental phase and she'd stop eventually. Until then, I have so much to define, and I just don't know how to carry myself. Everything feels so new. Aside from that one cigarette yesterday and a few blunt words exchanged between us, it's all still such a mystery to me. Thanks everyone for the support... I really needed someone to talk to about this!
So, here’s an update on my situation from yesterday. My conscience just wouldn't let it go... I had to get it off my chest, and honestly, I think I ended up saying way more than I should have. After reading what hiddendriver34 wrote, I decided to try a different approach. We were just hanging out at home yesterday morning, and I brought up the whole cigarette thing again. But this time, I kept it chill. I acted like I didn't care if some other girls at school smoke, or even if they have kids or parents involved... I just needed her to be honest with me if she was doing it herself. I tried to be subtle, no yelling, no being "that" parent... I was acting calm on the outside, but inside, I was a total wreck. I pulled out my own pack, lit one up—which I almost never do at home—and just set them on the table in front of her. I told her she could have one if she wanted. Silence. Just a solid minute or two of nothing. She just stared at her phone. Then, acting totally casual, she pulls a cigarette out of the pack and lights it. In my head, it felt like every volcano on Earth just erupted at once. My heart started racing like crazy. Well, you asked for it... now you've got it. But I knew I had to see this through. I spent a few minutes trying to pull myself together. I asked her how long this had been going on. She told me she tried it for the first time at a friend's house, then took a break, then started smoking more over the summer, and since August, she's been a daily smoker. That friend gets cigarettes from her mom, so I didn't even have to ask where she was getting them... I figured she was just swiping them. That’s actually the least of my worries right now. She finished that one cigarette right there in the dining room, stubbed it out, and left me in complete shock—even though I was trying so hard to act like I had everything under control. Truth is, I feel even more lost than before. Then my husband walked in from the yard, so I just dropped the subject entirely. Now I'm just stuck. What am I supposed to do? She's only 14 and a half. I played with fire and I definitely got burned... I went looking for answers and just ended up making things worse. Did I win anything here? Or did I lose? I couldn't sleep for half the night. Once they start lighting up right in front of you, there's no going back. I really don't know how to handle this now. Has anyone else gone through this?!
silentmason4 said:She isn't you, though. For all we know, she might not even head off to college and start picking up the habit there... And honestly, you’ve hit the nail on the head. You can worry all you want, and you can spend every single day lecturing her about how it ruins your health, how much it stinks, how expensive it is, or just how much you personally can't stand it. You can tell her she'll have plenty of time for bad habits when she's older, or that her body is still developing right now—blah, blah, blah. But at the end of the day, you can't actually force her hand. I really feel like pushing her too hard or demanding she answer every single question you throw at her isn't going to get you anywhere. A cigarette isn't the end of the world (assuming she tries one rather than making it a daily thing), but it's probably worth keeping up the dialogue about why it's unhealthy. You don't want her thinking you just don't care, especially since she's bound to run into things way more dangerous than a cigarette sooner or later.
Out of everything you mentioned, what scares me most is just... the fear. The realization that for the first time ever, I have absolutely no control over her. Then I think, if everything you said is true, maybe I shouldn't be trying to control her at all. Maybe I should just trust her common sense... assuming they even have any at that age. I don't even know what I'd say to her mom. I'm not sure if it even makes sense to comment, especially since we've been friends for so many years. I don't want this to sound like I'm judging her or criticizing her parenting. I already know any conversation would just be awkward, because parents usually end up making a thousand excuses for their own mistakes. And I know it can't be easy raising a teenager as a single mom, especially without the support of a traditional family setup. She could easily snap back at me: "Girl, if my daughter ends up smelling like smoke, she'll probably have picked it up from you before she ever did it from mine!" Honestly... I wouldn't even bring it up. She probably has enough on her plate as it is. And even though this is spinning around in my head, the actual problem belongs to someone else, not me. I have to step back. Trust your kid. I keep telling myself that... You said, Lenina: it's not the end of the world if she tries it. ...or maybe she's already tried something even more certain. Still, it feels way too early for middle school. If she could just wait until high school, life would be a lot easier...
I’m not really sure where else to post this except here. It feels pretty much like typical teenage drama... I have an eighth grader at home who usually doesn't deal with much in the way of standard puberty issues. School is fine, life is okay, we work through things... it's manageable. Everything was going smoothly until one day in early September when I caught the smell of smoke on her coming inside. I went full detective mode—trying to figure out the where, the what, the how—and eventually, she confessed. It wasn't even her smoking; it was her best friend. I've known this girl since they were in preschool, to the point where I'm actually on good terms with her mom. We run into each other at coffee shops and stuff. Honestly, I've known the whole family forever, even the dad, though they've been divorced for a while now. But back to the point: during our talk, it came out that this friend really went off the deep end over summer break, even though she'd apparently experimented with cigarettes before. From what I gather, she spent about a month and a half staying with her grandma out in California, where she could basically do whatever she wanted. That’s apparently when things spiraled and she started buying cigarettes—or having them bought for her, it doesn't really matter. Long story short, the kid is smoking right in front of the grandparents, and definitely in front of her mom. Maybe not in front of her dad since they live apart, but she's doing it around him. Is this all just part of my daughter's puberty, or is it tied to the divorce, which can be so tough on kids this age? Or who knows... I can't say anything bad about that child, let alone my own. And I can't say anything bad about the mother either, since I've known her for years. What worries me as a parent is the influence factor. Kids are so tightly bonded, and I don't want to—and shouldn't—try to drive a wedge between them. But I still can't sleep soundly, despite all the talks we've had and all the reassurances that she wouldn't even dream of starting to smoke because she hates the smell and all that. I don't want to meddle in other people's business or judge someone else's kids or parenting. But I can be genuinely worried, and I can try to steer my own daughter away from that path, but that's really all I can do. Has anyone else here dealt with something similar? How do you handle this without feeling like a hypocrite? I ask because I smoke myself, though I make a huge effort never to do it in front of her. I know I'm not exactly a perfect role model, but I personally didn't pick up smoking until college, mostly just out of sheer stupidity... back when I was fourteen or fifteen, the idea of smoking never even crossed my mind.