27 posts shown.
I know a clinical psychologist who specializes in adolescent psychology. She doesn't view teenage smoking through a pathological lens from a psychological standpoint, mainly because it’s a socially accepted behavior involving legal substances. In her view, smoking at that age is more of a "statement" or a "demonstration of maturity."
I’m not talking about the health risks here; anyone with common sense agrees those are undeniable.
She advised me to handle this through dialogue rather than resorting to bans, drama, or ultimatums. She also suggested that if I find out she’s actually a smoker, I should ease up on the pressure and just let things take their course. She deals with much more severe issues than teenage smoking every single day, and she maintains that many kids who experiment early eventually grow out of it.
Terry Martinez10 said:So, why does she smoke? What's actually driving her to do it?
It’s just because of friends, I guess, or maybe just because she grew up around it...
It's similar, though not quite the same as Larry Gonzalez83's situation. My daughter definitely started out of pure curiosity—she admits that herself—and she was incredibly persistent about it. She had easy access to cigarettes from the start and began buying them on her own very quickly.
In my view, this is classic puberty. It's a growing pain, a desperate urge to feel grown-up. Friends didn't influence her to start; none of her close circle smoked back then. Of course, high school is a different story. You see kids and even teachers congregating outside the campus during breaks, and the smoke is everywhere.
Now, I believe the reason she smokes is addiction, along with everything else, though that's a smaller factor now. Everyone starts for questionable reasons, but eventually, they're just smoking because they're hooked.
Larry Gonzalez83 said:Let’s just go with this, so you all can finally get some sleep.
I was rummaging through my daughter's backpack earlier and suddenly realized... I don't actually have a daughter, and these cigarettes are mine after all.
Everyone happy now?!
🙂 🙂 🙂
Well done. It would be much easier than arguing with someone behind a laptop screen.
There are clearly two opposing sides here, black and white. Absolute extremes. Some of us don't think a teenager smoking is the end of the world. I simply suggested that those of us who should set an example might need to look in the mirror first. Most people start during their teenage years. I have nothing more to contribute to this discussion.
I’ll admit, I lack credibility.
I'll admit, that's why people dismiss me.
I'll admit, I am at fault.
Listening to non-smokers act like moral authorities makes my skin crawl.
It makes me want to light up just to calm down.
Larry Gonzalez83 said:Quincy:I don't really know what to make of this... just feels like there's more to the story than what we're seeing on the surface... maybe I'm overthinking it though... says:
I can't help but feel like you both are being pretty hypocritical... smoking like crazy while acting like you don't want your kids picking up the habit...
I honestly feel like we’re missing the point here... kids learn by watching what we do, not just what we say. I don't know if there's any bigger motivation to finally kick the habit than being a decent role model for your own kid...
I hear these stories about how people just can't quit... I get it, though. It’s incredibly hard when you're dealing with an addiction like heroin or cocaine. But honestly? People do find a way to break free from it...
There are also support groups out there if you just can't seem to do it on your own... plus those nicotine patches to help deal with the physical side of quitting... |
I’m not sure I fully follow you... or maybe I just misread what you were getting at. Are you actually suggesting that smokers should just let their kids light up without question? I know that wasn't your point... And for the record, I'm definitely not being a hypocrite. If anything, I've been there myself—as a smoker, I've let my kid have a cigarette before. It's not like I'm proud of it, though. Honestly, I don't think any parent would say they *want* things to go that way. And I am certainly not questioning how bad cigarettes are for you...
Jason Ortiz5 basically spoke for me there... Honestly, even though I’ve been a smoker since my early 40s, I still have every right to hope my daughter doesn't start at fifteen. I really don't see any comparison between my habits and hers. And honestly, the whole "non-smoker" attitude feels a bit hypocritical sometimes... like suddenly smoking is the absolute worst thing on the planet. Let's not get carried away, shall we?...
I agree with almost everything said here.
Since I have also been labeled a hypocrite, I feel compelled to say a few things.
I am not one of those parents who believes setting a perfect example is everything.
However, I do not consider myself a bad mother just because my child smokes. In her high school, every third student smokes. Parents either know, don't know, or are pretending they don't know. I know, and I am not pretending otherwise.
It was the same during my time. Most people who smoke start in high school.
In our house, neither my husband nor I smoke indoors, even though we both smoke.
The same applies to our daughter. I rarely smoke on the patio, and she doesn't when my husband and I are there.
We told her no smoking in her bedroom, not even by an open window.
If she smokes on the patio while home alone, that is her choice.
Am I wrong? I don't think so. Anything else would be hypocritical.
Larry Gonzalez83 said:Like I mentioned before, this whole thing just seemed to pop up out of nowhere. At first, I didn't even suspect anything, but then it hit me—this wasn't some one-time slip-up. It’s clearly been going on for months... Whether I handled it perfectly or not, I just wanted to clear the air regarding the smoking situation right away. And honestly, thanks to the ladies on here for all the support and advice.
There isn't really a one-size-fits-all solution for how to handle this, since no two kids are the same, and no two parents are the same either.
We basically "accepted" the unfortunate smoking habit from about two or three weeks ago... I can't say I'm exactly thrilled with how it all wrapped up. Then again, if I had just ignored it, nothing else of importance would have actually changed in our little lives.
Don't get me wrong, she’s only having one, maybe two, maybe three cigarettes a day, and there are days when she doesn't smoke at all. Naturally, my first instinct was to just look the other way. Last week she had a pack, this week it's another one. I don't even comment on it anymore; I'm just over it. It almost feels like she was actually smoking more when it was "forbidden fruit," sneaking around with that friend of hers whenever she felt like it.
If she keeps this up, we'll see...
@Sarah Hall53, I know how easy it is to go through a whole pack a day... Still, speaking from experience, even during my worst phases, I never went over 10... and yet, I could never quite quit them, no matter how hard I tried.
I just noticed this part. Honestly, what you're describing sounds more like teenage posturing than a genuine addiction. Girls often just play around with it for the aesthetic. I remember when I started—even though I was older—I wasn't even inhaling for months; I was just puffing and moving the cigarette from hand to hand. Real dependency didn't hit me until much later, a few months after I actually started smoking properly.
My advice is to sit down with your daughter once more and talk about whether this is actual smoking or just an act. If she's only having one or none, logic suggests she could easily quit entirely. It seems to me that by offering her cigarettes initially, you were trying to force a confession, but it backfired into her smoking right in front of you, provided it stays strictly inside the house.
We have a similar story here; reading your posts feels like looking in a mirror. Both my husband and I smoke, and I remember vividly how much our daughter criticized us during her early teen years, claiming we were both terrible and suffocating her. Of course, we never smoked indoors—she wasn't actually at risk from us—but she nagged us constantly for her own reasons. It’s not that the criticism from non-smokers isn't valid; I agree with them and understand why they find it bothersome. But once a teenager stops complaining about it incessantly, you start paying attention.
Then, the nagging suddenly stopped. All of a sudden, it wasn't a problem anymore that we were "poisoning ourselves and everyone around us." During that phase, you don't doubt anything—it's just puberty—and her grades were perfect, so everything seemed fine. The thing is, my husband and I smoke the same brands, and there's always an extra pack or two lying around the house; we don't hide them in drawers because we feel we have nothing to conceal from anyone. Sometime during summer break before she started high school, something felt off. I began sniffing around her room because her things occasionally smelled like smoke. Just like Cornucopia, I tried to convince myself it wasn't true, because it felt impossible—my child and cigarettes?!
The situation was crystal clear: she lives with two smokers and has easy access to our supplies.
When I first mentioned my suspicions to my husband, he dismissed it entirely, saying there was no way she would do such a thing. I stayed persistent. I told him I wouldn't confront her directly, but I would monitor our cigarette stash to see if the count was right, because if she was smoking, she was stealing from us.
After a while, the numbers matched perfectly. I thought to myself that I would be making a false accusation against my own child, who was the biggest non-smoker the world had ever seen—at least on the surface.
I let go of the paranoia, and days passed. About a month later, I almost convinced myself I was wrong. One August weekend, I decided to wash the windows. As I wiped down the metal windowsill on the outside of my daughter's window, the rag came away black and smelled like an ashtray. I went full Sherlock Holmes and investigated. I looked under the window and found a pile of the exact same cigarette butts in the grass, clearly left there over days or weeks. I called my husband over and told him what I found—that our little girl had been smoking for quite some time, or that we had a ghost living in her room smoking by the window and tossing butts onto the lawn.
Besides, there are plenty of times when she is home alone, giving her all the time in the world to make poor choices. My husband still wants to hope she was just experimenting and has moved on, but I am 100% convinced she is a smoker based on everything I saw.
That same afternoon, while we were all together, I approached her very directly: "So, please tell me, how long have you been smoking?"
She stayed silent for a few seconds, stammered, and finally muttered through her teeth, "I don't remember exactly! Why are you asking me this?" I told her it was important that she be honest with me and that I wanted to know everything. I told her she needed to stop while she still can, noting that I have tried to quit many times myself. Since she had spent the previous year lecturing me about the dangers of tobacco, there was no point in me preaching to her now.
It turned out she had been doing this for several months, just as I suspected. In the beginning, she was just taking our cigarettes, and she claimed she tried it out of boredom, but eventually liked it and used it to supposedly "manage the stress" of high school applications. I don't recall any stress; everything seemed to go smoothly from my perspective. Eventually, she just kept going because she enjoyed it and had the opportunity, and by then she was buying her own cigarettes and had likely formed a real habit.
I asked her if anyone else in her friend group smokes, and she said no one in her immediate circle does, and since their parents don't smoke, the kids don't either. She subtly threw the blame back at us, implying that since she learned it from us, it's a reflection of our parenting.
I’m trying to stay objective here. Since she starts high school in a few days, I know that imposing bans is useless—they wouldn't stick anyway. Instead, I try to gently discourage her, which she understands. Deep down, she actually wants to break free from the addiction, but it’s complicated. Just telling you my story. She did brag once about going three days without a cigarette, but I saw her slip up again almost immediately.
Cornucopia, I don't know how you manage it, but I can't stand the idea of her smoking right in front of us. Maybe it’s hypocritical, since I know she smokes at home when my husband and I aren't around, but she shouldn't do it in our presence. If I were the type of person who only believed what I saw with my own eyes, I’d just treat her like a non-smoker. I haven't actually caught her with a cigarette 🙂