Posts by Noah Sanchez7

Well, time passed, and nothing changed. It was a state very similar to death—I was dead, yet somehow still alive, right here. To help you understand what I mean by being "alive," let me explain.
A person breathes, possesses an innate drive to survive, thinks logically as an individual, and maintains a defensive shield. Their actions are driven by a series of small, unconscious habits learned throughout life, like maintaining balance or delaying gratification. All of this can be summed up in one word: the "ego."
In my case, the ego died. I should mention, based on some people's comments, that before the ego died, there wasn't a single concept I couldn't grasp or any experience I hadn't tried. But no matter what version of myself I attempted to be, I could never say, "That is ME." That’s why my search continued even after the ego's demise.
At that point, however, my search went in the wrong direction. I just stopped and started lamenting: "Oh god, what have I done? What happened to me? Where is my SELF?" I wasn't capable of recognizing that those were all just tendencies from a "previous life" pulling me back. And worse, there was no going back. It’s like walking through a door that locks itself behind you; you can't return because you don't have the key.
Imagine walking through a forest—a path symbolizing your journey toward truth—and suddenly you find yourself facing an opening that leads to absolutely nothing. You are certain the path is correct and that you must enter. So you go in, the door slams shut, and you are met with total darkness. There are no trees left, no birds singing. You start wondering, "What is this? Where am I? Is this really what I was looking for?" Panic sets in, like a person falling into a hole they can't climb out of. Memories flood in—images of family, friends you left behind, the person you used to be—but there is nothing else, and you find yourself desperately wanting *something*.
Then came a suffering and misery that I can hardly describe. Everything that made me feel human until recently became impossible. I mainly mean the social component, since I consider myself quite a social person. Having a girlfriend, a friend, or simply being present with someone were just a few things I desperately craved but couldn't have. When I thought about it, the thought would arise: "But how can you, when you don't even know who you are? You can't say who you are because you aren't anyone; you simply aren't." My only solace was observing others and getting lost in their lives. I was flying on the wings of longing, much like in the Wenders film "Sky over Berlin."
It was then that I stumbled upon the "Tibetan Book of the Dead" (which happens to be my first topic on this forum), which fascinated me with its kindness. At first, it just intrigued me; it didn't actually affect me, which is exactly why it was written. I viewed it as perfect fiction that fit my current state perfectly. I thought about it and read it often, but I didn't make the effort to truly understand it, to pierce the illusion surrounding me, or to follow the guidance written within.
I found it while I was in the "Sidpa bardo" (the process of finding a new body and being reborn). Visions of my rebirth flashed before me, but I couldn't commit to any of them. Every time I thought about being reborn, I felt a sense of disgust. In every vision, I saw that same kind of filth I was trying to escape, because that was the essence of my journey. I was torn between what I was striving for (purity) and the things surrounding me that make up the world. I wasn't ready to make the sacrifice of giving up everything I had known. I wanted this world—in my case, *that* world—and for that, I needed a new birth, a new physical body on this earth. Yet, at the same time, I didn't want to return to the very world I was trying to flee to avoid the endless cycle of birth and death. That is where I still find myself. I am in the Bardo. As things stand, I will probably go back. I will be a human again. It feels like it has to be that way. I wasn't ready for the path I started. I set out very naively and very young, so perhaps I can seek Buddhahood—perfect enlightenment—in a future life.

This is my journey through the subconscious. It’s a necessary path toward liberation—a concept found just as much in Christianity as it is in Buddhism. I’ve framed most of my experience using Buddhist terminology, so I realize I might lose some of you along the way.
Everything here is true. Every single thing mentioned actually happened to me.
As one of the few travelers who has ventured into the subconscious (and made it back), I can tell you that no mental illness is truly incurable; we are all born whole. We are all different, yet we spend our lives trying to fit in or mimic someone else. We shape our behavior—and by extension, our thoughts—just to be accepted. At its core, it's a craving for belonging and love, which ultimately boils down to a basic survival instinct.
The most vital thing to understand is that there isn't a single phenomenon the mind cannot grasp. Once you realize that, you see there is no mental ailment we cannot heal. The only things standing in our way are fear and panic. That’s why it’s worth embracing the modern mantra: "just chill out," even when you feel like the Devil himself is holding a knife to your throat. 👍

Best,

Gerald Parker3 said:I think I finally pinpointed where that paralyzing fear of losing my mind actually comes from:
1) the sheer terror of losing total control
2) that deep-seated dread of the unknown

New photo. It's not bad.

I think I know what you mean. Not long ago, I felt like I was completely losing it. My first thought was always, "Am I the crazy one, or is everyone else just insane?" It was hard to accept that maybe everyone else was fine, so I just took the blame on myself. Even then, my rational side kept trying to push the madness back onto others. A lack of courage really weighed me down.
I started running away—mentally and physically. Every single thought felt like a nudge toward an exit. "No, I can't do this anymore, enough is enough, you're right, just leave me alone..." There was just no peace to be found.
I tried blaming drugs for everything I was going through, but deep down, I knew the issue wasn't the substances; it was me. Pure paranoia had taken hold. I couldn't relax for even a second. I spent more than two years living in constant tension like that. My head was pure chaos. There was nothing left to hold onto; any sense of who I was seemed to vanish the moment I tried to grasp it.
My body didn't match how I felt inside, which made it impossible to put anything into words. My thoughts would shift so rapidly that if I actually tried to speak, my brain would drift away mid-sentence, leaving me stranded. I developed a massive fear of people, feeling like I was constantly being hunted. In every situation, I could see a hidden intent to cause me harm.
Back then, I had accepted the fact that I was totally gone. I wasn't thinking about hospitals, though suicide crossed my mind occasionally. I was just waiting to see how much longer I could endure it. Every step forward felt like a step closer to the end.
Total nervous breakdown. Physical disintegration. Hallucinations. Extreme hypersensitivity. I just kept wondering how much longer I’d have to endure this hell.

coastalcrane76 said:Look, some people learn through their own experiences, while others—well, they learn by watching everyone else trip up. You can see how smoothly Govinda managed to navigate his way through it all...

I think this really captures the essence of Hermann Hesse's personality. Though, judging by his character, it's hard to say if he was naturally more of a Siddhartha or a Govinda.

So, here's my question: Regarding Buddha himself, did he learn from others, or was he a solitary seeker? Also, who has a better shot at reaching their goal—someone with the nature of Siddhartha or someone with the nature of Govinda?

goldeneagle2 said:Hermann Hesse’s book is pure spiritual fantasy... It can’t be considered a serious spiritual work, nor is it a legitimate Buddhist text we could actually use to have a real conversation about Buddha, Buddhism, Nirvana, or Samsara. Especially if it’s the only thing you’ve ever read—and I don't mean from Hesse himself, but regarding Buddhism in general.

The book might serve as a little spark for high schoolers to start digging into Buddhism, or just spirituality in general. It’s not bad, in a lighthearted, entertaining kind of way.

On the flip side, though, it really exposes Hesse’s lifelong lack of actual spiritual experience. It’s basically the musings of a romanticized Westerner who was never initiated into any Eastern system of spiritual practice—someone who probably never even sat down for a single Buddhist meditation, or any kind of meditation for that matter.

It’s pure spiritual fiction—kind of like someone who has never even sat behind the wheel of a car trying to write a gripping masterpiece about what they imagine driving feels like.

goldeneagle2, I completely agree with you, and I love hearing perspectives from true experts. Respect.
That's clear to me, but that's exactly what makes the book—or Hesse's sense of religiosity—interesting, charming, and somehow innocent. He seems like an average or even beginner student of Buddhism, yet through his imagination, he writes about near-total enlightenment and the path toward it. You'd have to agree that the journey itself makes sense; maybe not according to a strict Buddhist School, but it holds some weight.

You are totally right about the part I highlighted, and there isn't much else to add there.
The little story is truly wonderful.

goldeneagle2 said:It says Siddhartha.

My apologies for being unclear. I was actually referring to Siddhartha from the Hermann Hesse book.

Now that I've finished it, I'd love to hear what you all think. You know that part where he walks away from the monastic life and heads into the city to indulge in worldly pleasures, only to realize that truth can't be found there either because of the fleeting nature of samsara.
Why am I asking?
Because I have my doubts about those Buddhist priests who have never actually "hit the streets" themselves—they haven't truly experienced the samsara they preach about as being so temporary.

Siddhartha is Buddha—put simply.

You can think of it as pure action, behaving without any kind of inhibition.

Douglas Long2 said:Oh, and those feelings of depersonalization come in different levels... besides, you can't look at depersonalization in a vacuum; you have to see which other symptoms are present before you can even begin to discuss how severe it actually is.
As for the medication... I can't give you a straight answer there—it all depends on what was mentioned previously... specifically, what else accompanies this symptom.
Regarding whether we are all a little depersonalized: well, we could turn that into a philosophical question entirely. 🙂 If you are suggesting that almost everyone experiences something similar at some point in their lives—that is true, though if it doesn't cause the person significant distress, it might go unnoticed.
To "stand firmly" within one's own identity... well, that is a difficult question that honestly steps outside the bounds of our current discussion. To put it briefly, on a more narrow level, one wouldn't say that the average person needs to exert extraordinary effort just to maintain a sense of Self... though, naturally, during those inevitable crisis periods everyone faces, identity tends to waver. One must take that into account when "glancing" at diagnoses—age and developmental stages in life play a huge role.

Are you a psychologist by trade? If not, this is probably just a hobby for you.
If a person doesn't pursue self-awareness—if they never stop to ask, "Who am I?"—then managing their identity isn't actually that difficult.

I took a Lorazepam today, and it helped settle me down a bit.
I'm done with meds altogether. I won't even bother seeing a doctor. Why bother? They'll just prescribe more stuff anyway. What if I had been born a hundred years ago?

stormylynx23 said:It seems like you're only interested in the pills🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

Not at all. I was just curious. 😬

Antipsychotics?! That doesn't sound too bad.

Douglas Long2 said:For Noah Sanchez7:

It seems this is exactly what you are describing. In and of itself, this isn't a hallucination, which is why I asked you to provide a detailed description earlier.
Depersonalization can certainly be a component of schizophrenia F20, but it isn't limited to that—it can accompany other psychoses, such as psychotic depression, or certain neuroses. From what I understand, it can even follow epilepsy, or it can manifest as a standalone disorder. Of course, we cannot rule out the possibility of it appearing as a consequence of drug use. It can also occur in individuals without any of these underlying issues during states of extreme exhaustion, right before falling asleep, and so on.

To silverfox6:
Buddhism is an entirely different matter altogether; functioning according to those specific frameworks necessarily excludes cultural diversity and the values adopted as a way of life during childhood—which differs significantly from ours, given that we all belong to Western civilization here in the States.

To Noah Sanchez7 and silverfox6:
The states of depersonalization mentioned (not all, but specifically certain types within this spectrum) are not viewed as disorders in Buddhism. Instead, by applying Buddhist theology and philosophy, such states are utilized as tools on the path toward "realizing the true essence of being."

Well, since we aren't in Japan or somewhere similar, the only sensible advice is this: to function within the society you live in, you need a relatively stable identity. Please, (Noah Sanchez7), try to focus first on overcoming any dependencies and engaging in accompanying psychotherapy. If you adhere to your treatment, there is a possibility that this sensation could at least be reduced, if not eliminated entirely—though that naturally requires a series of other processes through which you must strengthen your sense of self.

Well, I am a Buddhist. And a fanatic one at that. You might call it being a fanatic (in the Western sense), but I think being a fanatic is necessary. Otherwise, I don't see any other way to overcome illusion and live in reality. That is my only goal, and I think I'm getting pretty close. I just need to face all these tricks my mind plays instead of sinking into miserable states.

Anyway, looking at it from a Western perspective, how serious is depersonalization? And aren't we all a little depersonalized? Honestly, you have to work quite hard and stay quiet just to "stand firm" in your own identity.
And what kind of medication is typically taken in that case?

Douglas Long2 said:Well, 🙂 of course there is a possibility of experiencing a wide spectrum of psychopathological symptoms after (especially prolonged) substance abuse. That part is beyond question—it's a clinical reality. There is, however, a much lower probability that you can simply attribute everything to schizophrenia F20 in its purest form. If you look at the DSM-5, for instance, you will find specific diagnostic categories for conditions resulting from psychoactive substance use. There are several different states that exhibit psychotic features, but if every single one were classified as F20, those other diagnostic codes wouldn't exist.
Furthermore, why don't you try describing a single hallucination of yours in detail? Perhaps then we can actually determine whether it is TRULY a hallucination—or something else entirely.😉

Here is a perfect example of a hallucination that really captures my experience with schizophrenia F20.
When I'm walking down the street or just moving around, I lose touch with my physical presence. It’s like I have a body, but for about 10 seconds at a time, I walk one way, then suddenly switch to another style, then another, indefinitely. I don't feel like I have a CONSTANT body; instead, one moment I’m strutting like I own the place, the next I’m slouching like a bum, then I'm walking like a woman, or even like a small child... On top of all that, it makes me incredibly frustrated, which sends my tension through the roof.
That’s just one symptom in a long list, and it's one of the most aggravating ones—not to mention the social anxiety, the voice sounding like a centenarian, and so on.
Also, another interesting thing is that my hearing feels extremely heightened; I'm basically hypersensitive (I'm not sure if that's the right term, but everything just feels amplified).
Because of that, during any real interaction, I feel like I've become a completely different being. Totally. It's like I stop being ME, I just vanish and become the other person—my conversationalist—and I forget myself. I am fully aware of everything happening, but it feels as though something inside me has frozen up or is actively resisting.

Taylor Campbell4 said:Absolutely. I’d also like to take a moment to warn any readers who might be tempted by drug experimentation: please, don't go down that road. And don't fall for what I consider foolish tales about "spiritual awakenings" triggered by marijuana or LSD. Those experiences are fake—nothing more than heightened illusions. Anything truly worthwhile is achieved through one's own hard work and a genuine investment of energy, rather than by introducing chemical compounds into your system. It's all incredibly damaging—and while marijuana is arguably the least harmful of the bunch since it's "natural," it still carries risks—but ultimately, these substances can cause permanent brain damage.

You might have a point, but I don't entirely agree with you. I do agree, though, that ecstasy at most absolutely wrecked my brain receptors or whatever they are.
I don't know who else here has tried MDMA, but when I took it for the first time, I was just overwhelmed by these incredible emotions. It was this total mental clarity and peace where everything felt perfect and made sense.
Unfortunately, blue is banned, so I'm curious about her experience.
I am certain I experienced schizophrenia F20 episodes back then.
Once, on a heavy dose of speed, I had hallucinations that a sane person couldn't even fathom. It was an overwhelming sense of terror; I literally felt the darkness closing in, the ground giving way, and like I was suffocating... it was horrific.

I would really just like some professional to confirm if long periods of intense paranoia, depression, constant fear, and phobias are likely to occur after a history of heavy drug use.
I should mention I wasn't moderate; I was using various substances every single day.
For instance, on a Friday, we’d take ecstasy before class, smoke weed during the lunch break, and then head straight to someone's house after school for alcohol, speed, more ecstasy, and then something else just to come down in the morning.
This might sound excessive to some, but believe me, in my circle, it was completely normal.
Just a note: in the beginning, the focus is on the "high," but later on, the emphasis shifts to the "comedown" (heroin, meth, various prescription pills, etc.). Eventually, you need a certain amount of meds just to "prep the field" for the ecstasy, otherwise, you feel terrible.

Best,

Thanks for this. The last time I saw a therapist, I only went for about two or three sessions.
Basically, he had me take this massive assessment—something like 250 questions—and the diagnosis wasn't schizophrenia F20, but something else I can't quite name. He just left it at that, telling me I needed to stay straight for six months before starting actual therapy. He seemed to think it would take around 20 sessions to get things back on track. I've been straight for four months now. So, I might go back, or maybe I won't. Videc.

Sometimes I wonder if it was all just the weed, thinking I became gay because of it, and that I can probably just power through this on my own.

Hopefully, I’ve managed to clear things up for you a bit.

I also find myself in that same spot as Blue—wanting to be on medication, or even certain drugs, while simultaneously hating the idea because I know it’s wrong, or at least the path of least resistance.
To be honest, the last third of my life has basically revolved around using substances to alter my consciousness and studying how they affect my mind. I got so obsessed with figuring out exactly what to take when I went out to hit that peak that nothing else compares. It was a hobby I truly loved, and honestly, it’s hard to accept that I can't go back to that anymore.
And the truth is, I really can't. No substance hits the way it used to. Now, it’s either heavy stuff or prescription meds, but that isn't a journey; it's just trying to feel normal.

Douglas Long2 said:Everything you've described sounds like the lingering effects of substance use. The way you describe your thought processes—saying it feels "like being on a trip"—is somewhat underspecified. I wouldn't go so far as to label it schizophrenia, particularly since you mentioned your history with drugs, though I suppose certain symptoms can mimic or even fall within the spectrum of schizophrenic symptomatology. As for your point about the brain controlling you... well, the brain controls all of us. 🙂 A bit more clarification is needed...

We all lose our way or feel disconnected sometimes, but usually, we pull ourselves together and move on after a while. Like, "I'm Douglas Long2, this is who I am, I like this and I hate that." Identity! But it feels like I lost mine a long time ago, and I just can't seem to "pull myself back together." I can never truly say, "This is ME." On top of that, I deal with these slight, involuntary movements—they might not be obvious to others, but I notice them and they drive me crazy. It’s like that scene in the movie "pi" where the guy is in a coffee shop, someone approaches him to chat, and his hand starts trembling slightly while he tries to act normal. My body irritates me too; I hate having to carry it around with me (which sounds insane, 😲), but that's the reality. Plus, I'm overly empathetic. I feel everything everyone else feels, and the worst part is I can't shake it. I can't tell myself, "Okay, you're feeling this, just let it go and act this way instead." I'm already completely at the mercy of it.

Hi briskgull27. I just hopped on. I thought about reading everything first before jumping in, but I couldn't wait.
For a long time now, I've convinced myself that I'm schizophrenic, or at least having schizophrenic episodes. I've seen psychiatrists and psychologists, and three of them have told me I don't have schizophrenia. Interestingly, they all reached that conclusion after I told them my history with drugs. It was basically like, "Oh, that's just from the drugs; you just need time to detox."
Since I "imagined" I had schizophrenia, I started studying it in detail and realized I actually have the exact same symptoms.
To make a long story short: I started smoking marijuana during my freshman year of high school, and I used it every single day. Sometimes I’d have a bad trip, but it would pass quickly. By the start of my senior year, things like ecstasy and speed were in the mix. That's when I started feeling the real consequences—like sinking into the ground, like I was disappearing (don't think I'm tripping, I'm serious), my voice almost went out, and I had frequent shifts in my perception (which I still have).
I'll give you a couple of obvious examples of the schizophrenia: I was at my place with four buddies, we were wasted, and suddenly there's a disconnect. I don't know where I am or who I am, paranoia kicks in, and I walk into the next room like I'm going to the computer to change the music, but really I'm just trying to isolate myself. In that moment, a friend walks in, and I start tripping like he's mocking me or trying to hurt me... it's disgusting.
In the beginning, it only happened when I was high. Because I got so terrified, I quit using drugs, but those kinds of trips continued...
Now, I don't use drugs, I'm not on any medication, and I don't drink alcohol, but I still experience these types of hallucinations that disrupt my life. Basically, I lost that normal, logical, human perspective and replaced it with constant tripping.
I don't know if you've ever done LSD, but if you have, you'll understand my state. I feel like I'm on LSD non-stop, and every day I pray to get back to that normal state after a trip. It's like I don't control my brain; instead, my brain controls me. It's constantly in motion, flying from one flower to the next, pulling me along with it relentlessly. 😲

Give me some feedback. Is this schizophrenia?

I'm curious to hear what you all think. Would Siddhartha have ever truly become the enlightened one if he hadn't experienced the cycle of suffering first?