Anything else, just not this!! I’ve been struggling with bulimia for almost four years now, and for the last year, I’ve tried to pull myself out of it on my own, but it’s just not working... I’ve sought help, and it’s still incredibly hard. It’s a cocktail of psychological fallout—depression, anxiety, loneliness, wanting to run away from everything, from yourself, from your friends... it's a horror show, and don't even get me started on the physical toll on your digestion, stomach, and everything else... My whole world has fallen apart, both mentally and physically. I can't focus on my studies, I can't think straight, and I can't be the person I used to be—I can't feel normal!! It feels like everything has just gone down the drain, but I am desperate to claw my way out of this and finish this fight once and for all. This battle has been going on for so long, filled with constant setbacks and small victories, but there's no end in sight, and if I keep going like this, I could lose everything. So please, cherish what you have. Protect your health, because it is your most powerful tool. I lost mine, and now I'm fighting just to find a single spark of joy again... I’ve reached out to doctors and psychiatrists, and recently I saw a specialist who has extensive experience dealing with these types of disorders. The issue is that I only see him once every two weeks through an association, so I’m going to ask if he can work with me privately instead...
Anyway, if anyone has any advice, resources, a book recommendation, or anything at all, I would be so grateful....
take care, everyone
Hey 🙂 I'm so sorry you're dealing with bulimia... (I honestly wish I had it, but I can't bring myself to purge 😛 thank God...) but I am glad you're fighting and that you want to recover 👍
I'm not sure about books, but I can give you some recovery links to check out; maybe they'll help 😉
William Brooks35 said:Man, I just started high school and I feel the exact same way!!! It sucks, right? During my first month of freshman year, I felt super weird and depressed because every time I head to school, I have no clue who I’m gonna hang out with. Everyone is new to me except for this one buddy from middle school that I wasn't even that close to. I take the bus to school, and that’s the only time I feel okay since almost all my old middle school friends are on there. Then I just remember I'll be getting off soon and having to split up from them at 6:00, only to meet back up later! But... thinking about how boring school is going to be doesn't help. Once I actually get to campus, things start to ease up a bit and I relax (honestly, just typing this makes me feel a little better). Then I wait until 7:00 PM to hit the bus stop, meet up with my old crew again, and I'm 🙂 happy... honestly, that's the best part of my day. At the end, we ride the bus home, some people head my way and it's cool, while others split off. I get home and fall back into a bit of a slump, so I just hop on the computer (trying to make sure I don't spend *all* my time on it so I don't become a total shut-in). In the morning, it's just me and my parents at home. So I spend some time gaming and some time studying!(I probably should've made a new thread) After studying, I catch the bus to school, and it's the same routine every day. What can I say... weekends... hmm... On Saturdays, I wake up around 10:00 AM, game, eat, game, watch TV, game, sleep! BORING, right?... And then Sunday hits. I wake up at 9:00 AM, go to church, come back, game a little, eat, and then around 3:00 PM that weird feeling starts creeping in again because tomorrow is Monday and the weekend basically vanished. I feel depressed all over again thinking about what I'm gonna do at school since everyone is new, etc. And it feels like it's gonna stay this way until the end of the school year. I forgot to mention that I have afternoon classes, which really messes with me. I'm really hoping next year is better since I'll be on the morning schedule, but when I think about why that would actually help... I realize it's just because I liked the morning routine back in middle school. I never felt this way back then, ever, and I'd give anything to be back in middle school. But I'm holding onto hope that next year will be better.
How can I feel better???
Ugh, high school 😍 Look, try to actually bond with some people in your class; you're bound to find one or two people you actually vibe with!!! If I, being a crazy burnout in the most intense prep school in Chicago, managed to find 3 good girlfriends to hang out and mess around with while everyone else was acting like total geeks—there's hope for everyone 😁 And yeah, high school sucks—but it gets better!!!
It's totally normal that you need TIME to adjust to a new situation and new people, and it's perfectly normal to feel a little lost, especially during the teen years... you're doing fine. Good luck 😉
And yeah, I think you should have opened a new thread just for yourself because, well, this is my thread for people dealing with clinical depression, anxiety, and eating disorders, and your problem is—thankfully—a bit smaller.😘
Mark Brooks6 said:Hey everyone... I’m honestly not sure where to post this or what category this falls under... or even what to do next... I don't know if there's something wrong with me or what exactly is going on...
What is actually happening here??? I'm not sure if it qualifies as an eating disorder or not... but every time I eat, I feel like I look absolutely terrible. I get so irritable and fall into these depressive moods because I feel like fat is just "accumulating" on my body... On the other hand, I love food far too much, so trying to starve myself just drives me insane... sometimes I actually end up overeating to the point where I can barely breathe... and then I just want to die. I remember one time I was even looking into ways to end it all... Most of the time, I just eat apples... and I'll go through two or three pounds of them in a single day 😠 😠 😠 😲 😲 😲 😲
I am so angry at myself.... I feel such shame, and I'm losing my mind because I can't seem to manage this anymore.
HELP
hey, well, at least someone finally spoke up about having an eating disorder 😁 though obviously I'm sorry you're going through this, because I know exactly how it feels 😢 I'm not sure if you're leaning toward Binge Eating Disorder or anorexia.... (since you mentioned the apples lol). tell me, what's your weight like, "objectively"—are you thin / average / overweight?
I used to call myself "binging Anne," basically awannabe anorexic who just overeats 😁 my usual way of losing weight is just living on soup and juice for a couple of weeks... but then again.. I have periods where I pig out like crazy 🙄 and generally, I HATE the feeling after I eat anything—anything at all. I feel "dirty"... and then I "punish" myself by stuffing my face like a cow 🙄 😂 and when I'm in a "good" phase, I don't eat or I eat incredibly little... it's just a cycle.... it's messed up, I know 👎
anyway, this isn't common knowledge—eating disorders aren't "black and white," meaning you don't just have anorexia and stop eating, or bulimia and purge. there are tons of combinations of the two; actually, there are three things (including bingeing) and it's different for everyone... if you spend every single day obsessing over food (whether you don't want to eat it, or you want to kill yourself because of food), hating yourself, thinking you're fat, wanting to end it all because of your looks and/or eating habits---> it's a disorder. regardless of what you call it 🤷
Jose Davis13 said:I thought I might chime in as well... I went through some very similar struggles as George Garcia9... In essence, my experience followed a pretty much identical path...
You find that nothing truly sparks any joy anymore, and you’re just drifting through these repetitive daily routines that feel like they were pulled straight from a template. Eventually, you realize you’re essentially just getting on your own nerves, aren't you? And that’s not even mentioning the impact on the people around you. I used to have quite a large circle of friends, but I ended up losing touch with many of them; whenever we would run into each other, it was always that awkward situation where people would look at you and think, "Oh, look at him, he's still hanging around."
You fall into this sort of downward spiral, and let me tell you, breaking free from that cycle is incredibly difficult... From what I've read on this forum, it seems like everyone is looking into psychiatric consultations or trying various medications, which is all perfectly valid. I'm certainly not diminishing anyone else's personal struggle, but I truly believe that sometimes these things can resolve themselves if you take the right approach... For me, the turning point was deciding to take up kickboxing. That made such a massive, monumental difference in my life. It allowed me to meet entirely new groups of people and actually forced me to put a smile on my face. Now, I'll admit, that smile felt a bit performative and fake at first, but if you constantly present yourself to the world as a negative presence, people will naturally start to distance themselves from you. You become uninteresting to be around. But eventually, that smile starts to come to you naturally... It isn't an act anymore; it's genuine...
George Garcia9, and everyone else dealing with these kinds of hurdles... the world is actually a wonderful place when you start making the most of it. I don't just mean the basic grind of life—like heading to college, prepping for a seminar, or studying for an exam—but I mean life in its entirety. There is so much untapped potential in every single one of you, regardless of how you currently perceive yourselves... Try to snap out of it just a little bit and wear that smile; even if you have to fake it for a while to get through the day, eventually, it will become real. You'll start finding new hobbies, discovering new coffee shops, meeting new people, and finding fresh ways to socialize... Finding love can also be a huge help, can't it? Having someone who loves you unconditionally, someone you can genuinely laugh with every single day... But of course, those things don't just fall from the sky. Finding something like that is challenging, though certainly not impossible... The secret really lies in that smile and that spark in your eyes...
"FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT"—that's exactly what I do😉 when I'm out at school, out on the town, grabbing coffee... okay, but once I'm home alone...... total depression. 😢 Dammit.
But whatever, I'm not giving up. I'm celebrating my birthday, I'm going to class, and I know I have to work on myself because clearly my therapist isn't doing the trick... so, yeah. Think pink, do your best, and screw the rest. 🙂
Yeah, I am. Honestly, I’m just dissatisfied with life IN GENERAL. I don't even know how to put it into words... realistically, I have the power to fix my own life and make things good, and lately, I actually have been trying to do that. But whenever the depression hits, I start spiraling about the meaning of existence, and I always end up concluding that life is pointless and nothing more than a massive hassle 😠
And of course, I'm unhappy with my weight, too. I hate myself every single time I eat something (right now I'm in one of those anorexic phases where I won't touch food, though there's also that other phase where I just binge 😛 ))
I'm glad you went out and had fun 👍
For me, it's just that I recently told myself I was going to "fight back"—you know, try to act normal despite everything feeling meaningless; go to college, go out, celebrate my birthday... but now all of it feels like some kind of performance. Like I'm just doing it all to look normal to everyone else. In reality, I've totally messed up my life (honestly, I was a complete wreck in high school 😁) and I don't even feel guilty about not going out regularly anymore... I want to go to my classes at NYU despite the stress because it keeps me busy enough all day that I don't have time to eat 😍 but I just don't feel like celebrating my birthday... for what???
And yeah, I'm anxious. My mom was away on a business trip for two days and I spent the entire time freaking out about whether she'd make it back safely, because I'm terrified of car accidents 🙄 Everything turned out fine, obviously...
I’ve spiraled back into a depression again... For a while, things were actually "okay." I started college, met some new people, was actually going out, studying, even trying to stick to a diet... 🙂
And now everything is back to how it used to be. The big question is "what's the point?" Life feels completely pointless... etc. My birthday is coming up soon and it's just one more thing to stress about. I usually celebrate it—even if the last two years have been absolute garbage—but this year, I just can't deal. Honestly, I’d rather not even exist, let alone "celebrate." I'll put on a nice outfit, do my makeup, and invite friends over to "have fun," but the whole thing is just an act for their sake. Inside, I'll be suffering just like the last few years, just counting down the minutes until it's over... 🙄 😢
I was supposed to go out today, but I hit a wall and ended up making up an excuse that I was sick... 👎 I just don't have the energy to leave the house. I'd much rather stay home all day and write papers for school (just enough so I don't feel like a total loser scrolling through social media, but at least I'm doing something "productive").
This damn depression 😠 why does it keep coming back????
electricgardener17 said:Anxious, damn it, nobody gets me... I went to see a psychiatrist on my own initiative today... he prescribed some pills, but I’m not exactly thrilled with him.. blah, blah... anyway... I have this gut feeling that I need to find a girl who deals with the same anxiety, or at least has in the past. This one doesn't understand a thing about what I'm going through—she just ends up getting on my nerves... I'm 28, by the way. I think we’d be a perfect match... tons of common ground🙂....and understanding, obviously, regarding everything we're dealing with... Has anyone else ever thought about doing something like this?
And you, George Garcia9... you really ought to switch that "so-called" psychiatrist who doesn't get you and just irritates you. We have to remember they're just people too... they don't necessarily know everything or grasp every single detail...
he he, is that your way of hitting on someone? 😉 just kidding, but unfortunately, I think that "two wrongs don't make a right" rule applies here. If you had a crappy girlfriend, you'd both just spend the whole day miserable together... misery loves company 😛 I don't know...
I hope you feel better soon... what kind of meds did they give you?
I knooooow... I need to find a new psychiatrist.. but I just DON'T FEEL LIKE going through the whole process all over again.. but if I have to, I will 🙄
Lawrence Bishop14 said:There are certain universities out there that "intentionally" foster that kind of chaotic atmosphere—mostly because they’re totally disorganized and just cram way too many students into their programs... Honestly, if you truly believe you're sick (instead of just realizing you're studying the wrong subject at the wrong school), maybe it’s time to find a new doctor! If your current one hasn't been able to actually help you resolve this by now, it might be worth a change...
Yeah, sure, blame the university, blame the whole credit system, 😠 but look, I actually LOVE what I'm studying. Honestly, I'd rather stay home and study all day and maybe show up to two lectures a week... unfortunately, my school doesn't allow for that kind of independent study 👎
And as for the doctor? Yeah, I know, I need to find a new one....
Nicole Davis7 said:My alarm goes off at 7:00 AM, and honestly? My head feels like it weighs a hundred pounds. Every single morning, my first thought is just, "Do I really have to go to work today?" To be fair, my job isn't actually bad. My coworkers are great, the environment is solid, and once I actually get into the flow of things, that heavy feeling usually lifts. But man, getting there is the battle. A thousand different thoughts race through my mind, all trying to figure out how to dodge the day—how to dodge life itself. I can’t quite put my finger on why, but there’s this deep-seated dread, like I'm bracing for some disaster that isn't even coming. That’s just what it feels like on a good day. On the days when the attacks hit—the ones that landed me on medication—it's a different story. I find myself sprinting to the restroom every five minutes at work just so I can break down and cry. It’s the worst. These sudden bouts of choking sensations and uncontrollable sobbing come out of nowhere. It’s terrifying. Being alone at home is hard enough, but when it hits you in public? When those dark thoughts and panic attacks strike out of thin air while you're surrounded by people? I end up having to make these awkward excuses about having "personal issues" just so I can run away. Before I started therapy, things were even more brutal. Whenever an attack hit me while I was alone at home, suicidal ideation would immediately rush in as the only way to escape the pain. I haven't struggled with those specific thoughts in a long time, but the pain? The pain is still there, and it's intense. So, yeah. That’s pretty much my reality living with depression.
I don't even know what to say to you, sweetie. It's pretty much the same for me, just at college. 😛In the middle of a lecture, I'll stand up, head to the restroom, and just break down crying....
And every morning, it's a fifty-fifty shot whether I'll actually get out of bed or just skip class. 😁Which sucks because under this credit system, we aren't allowed to miss anything. 👎
Here is a link where you might actually find some answers to whatever you're dealing with. From what I can gather, it sounds like social anxiety is what's weighing on you, and there is plenty of information regarding that over there. It really doesn't cost you anything to take a look. There is a decent amount of advice available, people sharing their own experiences with depression and various other struggles, and most importantly, they offer one another a massive amount of support. Good luck!
thanks🙂 I've actually been on that forum before, or at least scrolled through it a bit...
I don't know, maybe it is social anxiety (not really sure what that entails exactly), but honestly, I HAVE plenty of friends and making new connections isn't the hard part for me 😁 it's more that I worry ahead of time about EVERYTHING lol, even things that objectively aren't an issue... whatever 😛
I’m trying not to be a total pessimist, but honestly... it feels stupid even posting on this forum and dumping my nonsense on everyone. Part of me just wants to log out, shut down my blog, give up on everything, and just jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. 😢
I am so sick of myself and constantly talking—well, typing—about all the mess in my head. You know how Americans say it: "get over yourself!!!" I feel like such a pathetic loser, and I'm just not used to being this center of attention with all my drama...
I don't know. My brain is just pure chaos right now... 🙄
Thanks for the kind words, I truly wish you nothing but the best 😘
Good luck, cosmicmaker6 🙂. For me, the younger kids are only two years behind now... but everyone already knows each other...
It’s honestly pathetic how I have zero desire to meet new people, talk to them, or whatever else... Today was just exhausting. I’m sitting there in lectures and I can't focus on anything because my brain is just screaming, "I can't do this, I'm going to lose my mind, I need to hit the restroom 😛 , I am NOT writing these stupid essays..." and I start wondering... why the hell am I even at college? 😕 What's the point? I have no drive... for anything.
When I was studying for the entrance exams, I was so motivated and happy when I actually got in, but now... all day long I've just been telling myself: "Better to be at school than stuck at home all day." But it doesn't help.
I feel so miserable. Part of me just wants to quit everything, but... what kind of job am I going to get with just a high school diploma? Besides, I'm going to be depressed and anxious no matter what I do with my life, so right now I'm just fantasizing about suicide, and it actually makes things feel easier (in a dark sort of way). 😢
Donna Sullivan7, I really am trying to stay optimistic and put in the effort... but this depression just hits me out of nowhere. 👎
Ugh, school starts tomorrow and the anxiety is hitting me so hard 👎 I can't even sleep... just straight up insomnia 😢 My biggest worry is that I don't know anyone. Everyone else seems to have already found their cliques during freshman year, and now I'm showing up late because I took a gap year... I mean, I’m usually pretty social and good at meeting people, but still... I'm terrified 🙄
I haven't done much all year (hardly went out at all) and now, all of a sudden, I have to sit in a packed lecture hall every single day with total strangers (oh, did I mention I'm a bit claustrophobic? I always feel like I can't breathe, but everyone else is freezing so they keep closing the windows...)
Fuck. I just need to be brave... it'll be fine, right? It's probably just in my head...
Yeah... I know I need to find a new psychiatrist... but honestly, I just don't have the energy to go through that whole process all over again. Maybe one day, maybe not... 😛
Hmm... one apple a day... 5'11" and 110 lbs... that puts your BMI at 15.3. Anything under 18 (or even 17) is clinically considered anorexia... so seriously, props to you for surviving that!!!! 👍 😘 And the fact that you lived on nothing but apples 😍 man, I get it...
My first depressive episode hit back around 2000-2002, then it flared up in '03 and '04, and then again in 2005... things seemed to pick up a bit during the spring and summer of 2006... but then everything crashed again last fall. It just won't quit 😢
That’s the real issue—this stuff isn't "visible." Unless you actually try to end it all, people don't take it seriously... damn it...
I'm glad you're feeling better today, and I really hope it stays that way 🙂
Man, if I hadn't ended up in this ridiculous semester system (absolute nightmare 👎), I might actually enjoy being at university, haha 😁. But nope! This feels just like high school!!! Spending all day on campus and then having to churn out stupid seminar papers and whatever else... like on Tuesday, I'm stuck in class from 12 to 8 PM without a single damn break 😢 . Regarding the meds, I'll tell you what I've been taking since December: one Normabell and two Sulpiride in the morning (it's like a mild antidepressant... which doesn't even work lol), one Sulpiride in the afternoon, and then two Normabells and one Sanval before bed (for the insomnia). It usually works okay. Clearly not tonight, though, because I spent two hours just lying there before I snapped, got up, made a sandwich, and now I'm going to be scrolling the web for another three hours to let the food digest (I have an eating disorder, so God forbid I get fat by going to sleep with a full stomach 😛)) . I'd honestly prefer something stronger, like Prozac (I heard you lose weight on that too, hehe 😁). But whenever I tell my psychiatrist that my current meds aren't helping, she just completely ignores me. 🤷 Anyway... I think... I need a better (stronger) antidepressant. But the woman clearly refuses to prescribe it. WTF? Isn't the "stereotype" that psychiatrists hand out meds left and right? lol.
I'm feeling better today. I finished my third self-help book and got all hyped up on positivity; thinking I'll just dedicate myself to school and eat nothing but kale for a month to drop the weight I put on over the summer by drowning my depression in junk food. Don't tell me that's bad, I know it's not a healthy way to lose weight, BUT I have this voice in my head saying "you know you can slim down ASAP" and I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror feeling "fat" (143 lbs at 5'9")
Gerald Fisher26, are you feeling better now or are you still fighting it?
So... about two or three weeks ago, I finally "got busy"—which was a total nightmare, obviously. I was dealing with all this bureaucratic crap (literally died of boredom) just so I could get back to college and take my last exam... (I got a C in my absolute favorite subject when I totally deserved an A, thanks a lot Professor 😠) and for a little while, things actually felt okay. Like... I was actually looking forward to school again...
Then anxiety hit me like a truck: how am I going to handle this? The daily grind, meeting new people because I took a break... I tried so hard to stay positive. I read two self-help books, I'm on my third now lol, I even made a website about positive thinking... but none of it works...👎
The day before yesterday, the depression just snapped back, and yesterday it reached a breaking point. I seriously wanted to end it all; I was actually thinking about how to do it...😢 To be honest, I'll tell you why. I KNOW I can "succeed" in life. I have friends, I'm objectively attractive (subjectively, I'm fat 😁), and I could easily find a boyfriend, finish my degree, enjoy life, blah blah blah... but some "philosophical" part of me just REFUSES TO LIVE!!! I ask myself, what's the point of any of it? You know that HIM song, "this life ain't worth living"... yeah, that's exactly how I feel.
Yesterday, I was up late scrolling through the internet, Googling "suicide," reading posts from other depressed people and stuff... I won't do it because I don't want my family to suffer, and honestly, I'm scared that IF God actually exists, I'll regret it 🙄 but the truth is, I'd rather just not exist...
College starts this Tuesday... maybe it'll be easier once I get back into a routine and forget that "life has no meaning" haha, or maybe I'll just be right back here posting stuff like "I hate freaking college" 😂 and venting...
Which college are you heading back to, btw?
I know I need to switch psychiatrists, but the issue isn't just that she prescribes meds—she's fine, I think 😛—it's just that the medication isn't working. It's too weak....
I just don't want to burden other people with the details of my depression because I've spent my whole life being the one who helps everyone else and gives advice... you know, not everyone is emotionally intelligent. I can "help" others, but my friends aren't like that, so why should I just "burden" them for no reason, you know what I mean? I mostly talk about my depression with my blog friends, not my real-life friends... and what would I even say? "Life isn't worth living." Things at home are GREAT since I told my parents everything and started seeing a therapist, so there aren't really problems there anymore. It's just stuck in my head... pure meaninglessness 🤷
Thanks for the kind wishes, and I hope you have a nice (even if rainy) weekend 😘
Can't sleep again. Only got six hours last night so I was a total zombie all day, just counting down the minutes until 10 PM so I could finally crash. So, I get into bed, take my pills... two hours later and NOTHING!!!!😠 So here I am. I actually dug up something kind of hilarious I wrote about a year and a half ago when I was dealing with this exact same insomnia. Feel free to laugh at my expense, because apparently, this is my life coming back to haunt me 😍
" I hate fucking college. I hate going to campus, I hate sitting through ninety-minute lectures, I hate being stuck all day with people I can't stand, and I hate writing stupid assignments that suck the soul out of me... this idiot university is even worse than high school because on top of having to show up, I have an insane amount of shit to actually study!!!! In this bullshit system, they don't care about the stuff I actually enjoy; they just want me to survive hour by hour like some mindless drone, waiting for classes and sitting in shitty coffee shops with lifeless kids watching Nightmare Stage. I have to drag myself up at 6 or 7 AM just to be stuck on campus until 9 PM!!!??? For what? Burning myself out on absolute nonsense just so I can go home and have nothing left to study?? Screw this, I'd rather just go vomit somewhere!
I guess the problem is me, but what am I supposed to do when I HATE these totalitarian institutions where you have to show up regularly, do mindless busywork, write DEGRADING five-minute papers like I'm in freaking elementary school, stay stuck all day unable to eat, drink, or even pee whenever I want, and I HATE this filthy, loud American city like Chicago and its gross, noisy residents—the only thing saving me from them right now is my period... and I HATE how much I sweat and how many times my mood swings while walking from the damn CVS to campus, losing all motivation before I even arrive. I don't know. Maybe it's just PMS, or maybe I'm just an antisocial person...
Anyway, I’m skipping tomorrow. I don't give a damn about signatures or anything else; if they want to kick me out, let them. I'm not giving a shit. I'll be back on Monday, but definitely not before then. I don't know what's wrong with me. Did laziness turn into pure rage? If I have to grind through three more months... then I can finally rest. That's it, I'm just done......"
thanks Jerry Martinez5 & Jamie Jones5 🙂 let me know how that meditation thing is going. I once almost dropped a ton of cash on it, but then I saw a flyer for a free workshop... honestly, I almost ended up joining a cult lol 😛
Anyway... I can't sleep. Dammit. I took some pills but nothing, two hours later and I'm still wide awake 👎 so I hopped on the forum to try and tire myself out. I have to be up by 9 tomorrow even if I'm dead 😬 I HATE when I can't fall asleep and end up exhausted during the day 😢
Whatever... I just don't feel like living today. I was actually hyped up for a few hours earlier because I was planning a weekend getaway, but looks like that's falling through 😢 now I have nothing to look forward to again... no reason to even get up in the morning... well, I do, I have a doctor's appointment, but I am NOOOOOT feeling it 😠
I'm sitting here watching that stupid reality show and part of me wishes I could be like them—happy, lively, ambitious, optimistic... I used to be like that too... wtf happened? eating disorder, I guess...