Living with depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder

I know there are already threads about depression, anxiety, and eating disorders... but it isn't "just" about that. I simply don't have the will to live. I completely tanked college—I dropped out without properly finishing the year or even officially taking a leave of absence. (I actually passed everything except one elective.) So now, I’m facing a massive mountain of bureaucratic bullshit. 👎 back then, I couldn't bring myself to care about paperwork, which is why I didn't fix things.

Last year, I just stopped showing up. I started seeing a psychiatrist, but she honestly wasn't much help. She just prescribed some Xanax, sleeping pills (which don't work anymore), and some mild antidepressants. Those aren't doing anything either.

This summer was pure hell. I felt so isolated because everyone was either at the beach or studying for finals... and honestly, I didn't have the energy to go out anyway.🙄 I was bored, sad, depressed, feeling totally nihilistic, lonely, crying, then drifting into apathy, then picking at my skin with my nails (that's my version of self-harm). I also gained five pounds from eating junk food just to cope.🙂

Right now, I'm trying to slim down and study for an exam this Monday... but I just can't do it. I keep asking myself, "What's the point?" I know I'll pass the exam because I've been prepping for it forever, but I absolutely horror the aftermath—the bureaucracy of enrolling for sophomore year, meeting a whole new crowd of people again, writing stupid essays once classes start, waking up early, and the sheer pointlessness of studying. I LOVE my major, but I HATE being at school.

It was exactly like this last year, which is why I quit. And I don't feel any better, stronger, or more "healed" so that I could actually handle all of this after that therapy session. Why would this year be any different? 😕

The entire winter was just tedious, and the summer was a disaster. Part of me is desperately waiting for school to start so I can finally do something with my life, but I'm also terrified and feel completely incompetent.

I don't really know why I'm posting this (it's late and I can't sleep because my head is spinning), but maybe I want to see how people in similar shoes deal with this stuff—how you actually "live" with depression, stress, and this sense of futility.

It's all weighing so heavily on me, not to mention the food and the weight gain. People who struggle with this part will get it; you can't explain to "normal" people why I'm breaking down if I don't lose weight in a week or if I eat something I "shouldn't."

Help wanted, advice appreciated 🙏 🙂 thanks 😘

Could you switch over to being an out-of-state student? It just crossed my mind... that way you could grab your textbooks and study from home while you work on getting back on your feet a bit.

Unfortunately, no 😢

Dear Anne,

First off, you’ve got to stop living in the "what ifs" of the future. You can't control things that haven't happened yet. Sometimes, the easiest way to survive is just to go with the flow and figure it out as you go, because fighting the current usually just wears you out more.
What is it about college that's weighing on you so much? Is it the social scene? The professors? I mean... if you're actually studying something you care about...🙄

I feel you, honestly. I dread going back to campus too, and most of the stuff you mentioned hits home for me—like the thought of having to meet a whole new crowd of people in a month. It feels exhausting to start all over again... I even find myself secretly hoping someone in my cohort fails a class so I don't feel so alone in the struggle 👎 ), but I eventually realized why I feel this way. Everything just hits harder at once: the depression, the stress, the panic attacks—it’s heavy. I find myself venting to my psychiatrist, feeling like I might hit a breaking point, but the reality is there's no turning back. I have to move forward, even when I have absolutely no clue how. Just step by step. I try to stay out of my own head because overthinking is basically self-sabotage. I just want to pass this one exam more than anything else, just to feel like I've achieved something, to prove to myself that I "can"—as cliché as that sounds.
Maybe you could try looking at it through that lens...

I wish I had better advice for you. I really do. But truthfully, I'm struggling through the exact same mess right now.
Just wanted you to know you aren't alone in this. 😘

Social anxiety.

Are you studying psychology?

Maybe try starting by focusing on things that actually bring you joy. I notice there isn't much that seems to lift your spirits right now, but surely something exists. I suppose if you stay persistent with the activities you enjoy, once you feel a bit stronger, you can tackle the tasks that require more mental stamina and focus.

Just take it one day at a time. I think it might help to avoid exhausting yourself with heavy questions; when they start to weigh on you, maybe just try to move on to something else.

If you’re living in Washington, D.C., and just need someone to talk to when things feel like they're hitting a breaking point,
I’m available for about six more days. Just shoot me a private message if you need to vent.

If you find that Lexapro isn't doing much for you anymore, switching over to Xanax might be an option.
Personally, I hit a wall with Xanax, so I ended up back on Lexapro.
You’ll likely need to taper down your Lexapro dosage gradually for a while, though, just to make sure your system doesn't go into shock during the transition.

As for antidepressants in general... there's a whole spectrum to navigate.
After a particularly traumatic period in my life, I dropped down to about 140 pounds because I simply had no appetite and couldn't bring myself to eat.
I was on Prozac at the time; it did wonders for my mental state, but it did absolutely nothing to help me put the weight back on.
Later, I started taking Calixta, which has helped me regain some weight since weight gain is one of its side effects, but it doesn't touch my mood issues, so I've been feeling pretty unhinged without the Prozac.

It really just comes down to finding that one specific remedy that works for you.

Thanks everyone 😘 I'll try to get through this somehow... just taking it day by day... learning, living...

Patrick Alvarez20 lol, honestly, I’m secretly hoping some famous professor will end up teaching my subject ha ha 😛 Good luck!!!!

I seriously hate going to campus because the commute is driving me insane—the traffic, crowded subways, people smelling gross, lectures so packed you can barely breathe, and if I sit by the window, I freeze (during winter). Plus, waking up early... I mean, HOW is anyone supposed to actually focus on a lecture if they have to roll out of bed at 6 AM??? 😠 Who came up with this? I’d much rather be an online student, but my university doesn't allow that... It would be so much better to study from home and just show up to campus once in a while, haha, but nope, they won't let me 😬

I'm not studying psychology; I wanted to back then, but the thought of statistics absolutely terrified me 😬

I can't tell if I have social anxiety or if people just genuinely annoy the hell out of me...

redotter1 thanks for the offer, and thanks for the info, because the last thing I need in my life right now is to gain EVEN MORE weight 😛 I don't take much Lexapro, just one in the morning and two before bed.

thanks again everyone 🙂

Anne, I didn't quite catch whether you've actually sat down to talk to anyone about this yet?

Yeah, I am. I finally started seeing a psychiatrist late last year once I realized I couldn't pull myself out of this hole on my own. (I dropped out of college right around then, too). But honestly? It’s not really helping. I show up every three or four weeks, vent about how I had two terrible weeks and maybe one or two decent ones since we last talked, blah blah blah, and then she just schedules the next appointment and bumps up my dosage a little bit. She tells me I should find some hobbies or get busy with responsibilities—which was easy enough to say back when I was actually attending classes. But here's the thing... when I'm in a deep depression, I don't give a damn about anything. I just want to crawl into a hole and die. Nothing feels worth the effort of "getting involved" in something. 😢

I probably should try group therapy, too. I went a couple of times, but what's the point of sitting there listening to everyone else whine about their problems? It just makes me feel even more miserable. :P

What I actually need is a psychologist to see once a week, but... that costs money. And I feel like a total loser asking my mom for $33 every single week just for that. Plus, I don't even feel like I deserve to have that kind of money spent on me... My self-esteem is non-existent and, honestly, I just hate myself. It's not fun. 😢

George Garcia9 said:Yeah, I am. I finally started seeing a psychiatrist late last year once I realized I couldn't pull myself out of this hole on my own. (I dropped out of college right around then, too). But honestly? It’s not really helping. I show up every three or four weeks, vent about how I had two terrible weeks and maybe one or two decent ones since we last talked, blah blah blah, and then she just schedules the next appointment and bumps up my dosage a little bit. She tells me I should find some hobbies or get busy with responsibilities—which was easy enough to say back when I was actually attending classes. But here's the thing... when I'm in a deep depression, I don't give a damn about anything. I just want to crawl into a hole and die. Nothing feels worth the effort of "getting involved" in something. 😢

I probably should try group therapy, too. I went a couple of times, but what's the point of sitting there listening to everyone else whine about their problems? It just makes me feel even more miserable. :P

What I actually need is a psychologist to see once a week, but... that costs money. And I feel like a total loser asking my mom for $33 every single week just for that. Plus, I don't even feel like I deserve to have that kind of money spent on me... My self-esteem is non-existent and, honestly, I just hate myself. It's not fun. 😢

Look, stop thinking about everyone else. It’s not being selfish.
You and your health come first. Look at it this way—it's all about perspective. They owe it to you. Ask for it, and if they say yes, accept it without the guilt.
Good luck.
I'm still learning how to live, too, making small steps forward. It's incredibly hard, fighting against yourself...
And I agree that you need to stay busy. The more responsibilities you have, the "more normal" you'll feel, whatever that means. 😁

I can't believe I'm reading this—honestly, I was in almost the exact same boat as you, and sometimes I still feel that way. I started hating going to campus, hating the people there, even total strangers. I lost interest in stuff I never thought I’d lose; I couldn't be bothered to go to concerts, grab coffee with old friends, go to the movies... nothing. I skipped exams because getting out of bed felt impossible (even though I actually studied), and I kept pushing things off just because the idea of taking the subway felt like too much work. I'd sleep all day, wake up at 5 PM, and then go right back to sleep by 10. That summer you described? Same thing. I didn't leave the house. Everyone else was at the beach or studying, and while I told myself I was hitting the books—with my textbooks sitting right there on the desk—I wasn't actually doing anything. I even gained 4 pounds 🙂
Eventually, about six months later, I finally started getting back into a routine. I stopped obsessing over everything, and things just sort of fell into place. Now, I try to do stuff I actually enjoy and avoid overthinking it—because let's face it, overthinking is a trap. I still have those stretches where I won't leave my room or the house, where I just want to rot in bed with zero motivation. When that happens, I just tell myself "this is pointless" and force myself to move, even if it's just a little. I haven't even seen a psychiatrist because I'm not looking to get on meds, and honestly, I wouldn't know what to even say there. Anyway, I don't know why I'm even typing this out, but now you see you're not alone. Hang in there. Like people told you, just find stuff that makes you happy (and trust me, there's something out there), see a therapist if you think you need one, or just vent to a friend. Focus on school, stop spiraling in your own head... it'll get better, at least a little bit.

Yesterday I was in such a dark place, honestly feeling suicidal 🙂 so I did a little searching... suicide.org is actually a decent site. It basically says, "go talk to someone, don't kill yourself." So, I tried talking to my mom. Her response? "Mention that one more time and I'm going to start screaming." Ugh, zero help there. To make matters worse, I felt even more 👎

I finally saw my psychiatrist after a three-month break (summer hiatus) and laid it all out: that I want to die, that my meds aren't doing anything (Lexapro, Ambien, and Sulpiride—which is just some super mild antidepressant, right?), that I have no will to live, that I scratch myself with my nails when I lose it, and how terrified I am about starting college this year because I feel no better than I did last year....

And what does she basically tell me? That I need to "get moving" and take on some responsibilities, as if I'm just LAZY and that's why I can't get anything done. She even said no medication will work until I start "working on myself." EXCUSE ME? 😕 Isn't depression a literal BRAIN disease? I AM TRYING to live normally, to be positive, and everything, but IT DOESN'T HELP!!!

So yeah. Her advice: go to college, and that my mom should probably force me to work (basically implying I'm spoiled and allowed to have zero responsibilities at 21, which is pretty much what she said), and then we'll see each other in a month if I feel like talking again.

Basically, my psychiatrist thinks I'm lazy and that things will magically fix themselves once I "snap out of it." Why don't people understand that I HAVE NO REASON TO LIVE, that my depression is way more severe than they think, and that "responsibilities," walks in the sun, healthy eating, and other fortune cookie psychology tips aren't going to help me????😠

Do I seriously have to slit my wrists or swallow a mountain of pills just so people finally realize that I am SUFFERING and need actual, BETTER help??? I feel like an idiot because nobody takes me seriously. Not even my psychiatrist, who is supposedly educated enough to recognize when someone is in deep trouble 😢

Betty Ortiz4 thanks for the advice. I'll try not to think and just live like a robot, since that's apparently my only option. Aside from suicide, obviously...

Take some Xanax
And you really ought to find an antidepressant that actually works for you, though unfortunately, you’ll have to push through at least two weeks before you can tell if it’s making any difference one way or the other.
If you're on Microsoft and want to chat, I'm available for the next four days—except for tomorrow, since I'll be heading down to Disneyland.
just shoot me a private message

Thanks, redotter1, but I’m heading out for the weekend tomorrow so I won't be online... have a blast at Disneyland!! 🙂

I need some input from the psychologists, psychiatrists, or just any smart people on this forum: based on everything I’ve posted here, do you think I should

a) listen to my psychiatrist and just "act normal"—go to college, force myself to go out, and do all the stuff "normal" people do until I eventually snap, or

b) find a different psychiatrist who will actually prescribe me stronger antidepressants? 😕

Personally, I feel like I need heavier meds because what's the point of trying if my brain isn't functioning correctly? Plus, I don't think my doctor gets it—she clearly doesn't grasp how serious things really are for me.

Please, let me know what you guys think. 😘

Tell me, what is your inner voice actually telling you?

Maybe find a different psychiatrist... it seems pretty obvious you've developed an aversion to this doctor, and honestly, if you don't actually trust what your physician is saying, the sessions aren't going to be effective anyway.
I mean, she didn't exactly say anything incorrect regarding your responsibilities, hobbies, or social life, etc. Those are all factors that impact your quality of life, which naturally affects your mental state. The real issue seems to be how you processed it in your own head: you've basically rationalized the idea that she just doesn't understand you.

As for how much stronger antidepressants you might need, I'm not going to get into that.
The fact remains that medication alone isn't going to fix everything.

What diagnosis did she give you?

Hey Arthur Evans8, that little voice inside my head keeps whispering: just end it, life is pointless 😛 Jokes aside, I know I have to put in the work myself and that nobody can fix me if I’m not doing the heavy lifting, but I also know that isn't enough. I need better support. Better meds and a therapist who won't talk down to me. Yesterday, I felt like such a spoiled brat, taking everything good in my life for granted and doing absolutely nothing out of pure laziness.

Angela Rogers2, obviously my take on this mental monologue is subjective, and I feel like she just doesn't get me, but the FACT is she told me I either need to start acting like an eight-year-old (by staying on my parents' dime for another year) or finally "get moving." I don't understand why she won't take it seriously when I say I want to die and that I have zero will to live. If I have no will to live, HOW am I supposed to "get moving"??? She seemed nice enough until yesterday, when I realized the woman either simply doesn't understand or is so overwhelmed by even "crazier" patients that she's just brushing off my condition. Anyway.

My diagnosis is anxious depression & an eating disorder (not anorexia or bulimia, just cycles of binge eating followed by periods of not eating at all 😛)

Yesterday I was thinking about quitting therapy altogether and stopping my meds since they aren't helping. Right now I'm taking two Sulpiride and one Lexapro in the morning, one Sulpiride in the afternoon, and then two Lexapro and one Ambien in the evening to sleep. Hm... it's 3:21 AM and I'm still wide awake, so clearly that's working 😠 I don't know. It feels stupid to ask for meds if they aren't working, but at the same time, it feels irresponsible to just stop on my own. Ugh. 😕

I probably won't go to my exam on Monday (even though I've memorized everything 😎 ) because I feel so fat. I'll go in two weeks instead; hopefully by then I'll have lost 2 or 3 pounds and actually have some confidence. Sounds pathetic, right? Welcome to my life. 😬

Hope you all have a good weekend 😘

George Garcia9 said:Hey Arthur Evans8, that little voice inside my head keeps whispering: just end it, life is pointless 😛 Jokes aside, I know I have to put in the work myself and that nobody can fix me if I’m not doing the heavy lifting, but I also know that isn't enough. I need better support. Better meds and a therapist who won't talk down to me. Yesterday, I felt like such a spoiled brat, taking everything good in my life for granted and doing absolutely nothing out of pure laziness.

Angela Rogers2, obviously my take on this mental monologue is subjective, and I feel like she just doesn't get me, but the FACT is she told me I either need to start acting like an eight-year-old (by staying on my parents' dime for another year) or finally "get moving." I don't understand why she won't take it seriously when I say I want to die and that I have zero will to live. If I have no will to live, HOW am I supposed to "get moving"??? She seemed nice enough until yesterday, when I realized the woman either simply doesn't understand or is so overwhelmed by even "crazier" patients that she's just brushing off my condition. Anyway.

My diagnosis is anxious depression & an eating disorder (not anorexia or bulimia, just cycles of binge eating followed by periods of not eating at all 😛)

Yesterday I was thinking about quitting therapy altogether and stopping my meds since they aren't helping. Right now I'm taking two Sulpiride and one Lexapro in the morning, one Sulpiride in the afternoon, and then two Lexapro and one Ambien in the evening to sleep. Hm... it's 3:21 AM and I'm still wide awake, so clearly that's working 😠 I don't know. It feels stupid to ask for meds if they aren't working, but at the same time, it feels irresponsible to just stop on my own. Ugh. 😕

I probably won't go to my exam on Monday (even though I've memorized everything 😎 ) because I feel so fat. I'll go in two weeks instead; hopefully by then I'll have lost 2 or 3 pounds and actually have some confidence. Sounds pathetic, right? Welcome to my life. 😬

Hope you all have a good weekend 😘

😲
Come on, seriously—you've got to kill that kind of mindset.
Real confidence comes from passing an exam and actually knowing your stuff, not from how you look physically.🙄
Don't just bury yourself alive here.
It’s all about what’s going on in your head, George—until you wrap your mind around that, you aren't going to see any real progress with your disorder or your therapy.

As for the therapy and the psychiatrist—if you feel like your doctor isn't getting you anywhere, then change them. Seriously. Change the treatment too if you need to. Just help yourself in that regard. Why put yourself through the struggle? Not every psychiatrist is the right fit for everyone; it's all very individual.😉