Posts by Mark Davis14

Listening to folk music really helped me realize just how intolerant I actually am...
The "folk" stuff people blast these days is basically just Turkish imports—if you listen to actual traditional American ballads from the South or the Midwest, they have a totally different vibe. It’s a European sound. If anyone wants to obsess over melodies from the East, over in India or Turkey, be my guest... It’s not even about hating Mexicans, Turks, or Romani people—it's just that neither the tunes nor the lyrics actually resonate with me...

Stana... wiredpanther10 said:I know exactly what I’m talking about... this isn't my first rodeo—and I'm tired of being misinterpreted—but frankly, I’m done dealing with any of it... all I need is one more "real" trigger and that'll be that... because every single day feels like a fresh struggle... damn this life in a country that just doesn't get you... I don't even feel like writing anymore, there's no point... I just know that next time, I'm going to do something fucking big...

First off, I see you're venting about how nobody—not your family, not your parents, and certainly not your friends—actually gets your sense of humor... It’s a bit much. I tend to group family into one category and friends into another, though I'll admit parents are often a bit more "out of touch"—which is expected given the age gap—but that excuse doesn't really fly for friends. How are you supposed to make peace with them and stop the constant friction, especially when you feel like you're constantly apologizing just because they don't get your sarcasm? They're the ones you need most right now—especially with everything going on at home where you can't rely on anyone, yet everyone expects *you* to be the rock...

Look, that negative energy you’ve been bottling up lately—it can turn a person into a rabid dog toward their own friends... where the "jokes" start biting, not out of malice, but just because it's unconscious. That kind of bullshit isn't helpful or welcome. I’ve known guys who did this—they were the life of the party among the tough crowds, provided they could hold their own while tearing everyone else down. You should probably take a second to reflect on whether your commentary was actually funny or just plain insulting... and consider if a friend is genuinely offended because they're sensitive, or if they're already dealing with enough grief at home or school to make your "humor" feel like just another attack.
I refuse to believe that your entire social circle is just a collection of simpletons who can't wrap their heads around you—though I suppose that’s possible... Personally, back in my elementary and high school days, I was always the outsider—detached, hovering on the periphery—but even in a crowded classroom of thirty students, there were always two or three decent, genuine souls to be found. I'm sure you'll find yours, but let's be honest—you're looking at everything through such a dark lens right now because of all that negative energy...

When it comes to relatives and parents—honestly, they’re usually the ones responsible for how you're feeling... Family is almost always the root of the issue, which is perfectly logical, given we spend most of our lives there and parents have this innate ability to dictate our entire emotional state. But there is a way out. I remember one time I finally hit my breaking point and just walked out... I ended up sleeping on a park bench because I couldn't deal with my parents' constant, unfair outbursts—they were dealing with their own issues, but were far too immature to not take all that frustration out on me. It’s always easier to yell and blame someone else than to actually face life's hardships with any dignity. By walking away, I showed them I could push back—and it worked. They actually realized where they went wrong and completely changed how they treated me after that. Especially once I threatened to make things so difficult that Child Protective Services would be knocking on their door... oh man, they turned into little babies overnight. Honestly, if they're being unjust and making your daily life feel like a living hell, it's better to stand up to them than to lose yourself entirely...

Back when I lived with my old man, he’d spend every single day belittling me—calling me stupid, this, that... just constant insults. And yeah, there was plenty of unfair physical abuse over the smallest things, too. If they just needed an outlet for their own frustrations, they could always find a reason to lash out... I just wanted to tell you that most of us have dealt with—or are currently dealing with—some serious life bullshit; nobody's life is a walk in the park. I know things are rough right now, but please—find some dignity, spark that defiance inside you, hold your head high, and fight back against all those assholes trying to get under your skin. What do you actually have to lose in these future battles besides your life? You might just find love or happiness if you keep pushing—you might actually learn something new. Isn't it better to meet death having lived a wild, defiant life rather than just signing a surrender and waiting for the end...?

ANUŠKA said:Besides—how can you possibly claim to know what women want better than I do? I am a woman, after all... I think I know what I'm talking about. Honestly, nothing in my life has been more tedious than dating some gorgeous, boring guy. It’s interesting for about fifteen seconds. After that ---🙂 You’re right about one thing—they are boring and depressing. I remember this friend of mine who wouldn't shut up about some "ideal woman" he called his "princess." Princess this, princess that... if he couldn't land her, he wouldn't land anyone. Bill, the poor girl didn't even know him. I used to give him a wide berth just to avoid another lecture about his "princess."

Fixation is a psychological disorder that usually accompanies depression, though it can exist on its own. It's a preoccupation—thoughts circling a single topic or set of themes over and over again. My depression manifests differently; along with it comes a sort of autism that can feel much worse than a simple fixation. In social settings, I tend to retreat into my own world and struggle to get back out—making me look like an absolute idiot if I try to speak without my notebook and pen handy, or if I'm met by someone completely indifferent to everything around them... meanwhile, I'm actually burning up inside with ideas and desires. No matter how much I miss people, I'm just not a social creature. In today's world—driven by impatience, a lack of time for others, and this frantic rush to accumulate status and wealth—I'm neither convenient nor desirable. It's a vicious cycle... loneliness and being misunderstood by those around you is fatal to any sense of inner peace...
In such an unbearable case, death is merely the confirmation of the stagnation one consumes through life—a rebellion against the illusion of living...

Cielito said:Mark Davis14, can I be your girlfriend? 😉

I really miss having a partner—longing for kisses, touch, and just the feeling that I don't disgust at least one woman... someone who is actually willing to accept me for who I am, including my moods and feelings, which are often irrational due to low self-esteem and the fallout from old, unhealed traumas. But there’s a massive hurdle: for you to be my girlfriend, I’d have to find you physically attractive, which isn't exactly easy for me. Beyond that, I believe true love evolves from friendship; to get there, we’d need to actually know each other—flaws, mental quirks, and physical imperfections alike. Since I don't subscribe to the idea of "cyber sex" or digital friendships—because I think two people can only truly "feel" each other by looking them in the eye, not through a cold medium like the internet—it should be obvious what I think about being a "virtual girlfriend." I enjoy fantasizing, but I've never dared to play along with others, even here, despite the fact that the web is the perfect playground for people craving those experiences. For instance, video games never interested me—I've never been bored enough in my life to feel the need to "play out" my existence in virtual, artificial worlds; there are too many undiscovered realities right in front of me waiting to be noticed. I've always been drawn to that elusive truth—who I really am, the rules of life, the wisdom that survives through centuries within human characters and mindsets that shape eternal conflicts. What is truly real in my view of the world, versus what is just a false fruit of my imperfect attempts to label things as "true," or perhaps just biases formed in my earliest years...

I enjoy playing with words and sentences, but I hate seeing symbols scattered on a page—they feel so cold and unreliable, no matter how much emotion is poured into them. There's nothing warm or cozy about them; they are just symbols grouped into sentences to fuel our fantasies with ideas.
I believe you would appeal to me—that you’d be beautiful to me—because I don't just look at physical traits like breasts or body type; what I find most beautiful in women is precisely what sets them apart from men. Gentleness, grace, poise, eyes, a smile, certain movements. It's rare that I don't find a woman beautiful; I can find something striking in almost anyone. Whether that's because I idealize women too much, because I'm starving for female company and thus lowering my standards, or because I genuinely possess the ability to see beauty in nearly any creation... I don't know. Of course, this doesn't apply to men, children, or women over 40, which is perfectly normal. The only thing I can't stand is obesity—though that's more about my own self-discipline and a way I subconsciously punish myself, making it unpleasant for me to see an overweight woman regardless of her natural beauty. That's one of my flaws—judging people by their weight. I'm ashamed of it, but I can't help it.

Anyway, to finally answer you (the intro was a bit long, wasn't it, 🙂)—you can't be a "cyber girlfriend." You could be a real-life girlfriend, but only if we happened to cross paths somewhere in New York City, provided I find you physically attractive, and assuming that after building a friendship, we discover we love each other too much and actually fit together...
It's all just a precaution, because I have to admit I'm quite passionate by nature, and I wouldn't want to exploit someone's deeper, more lasting feelings just because of a trait I don't value at all...
At the end of the day, true love is what lingers once the fire dies down and the initial passion burns itself out—after all those beautiful, yet utterly cursed, things from the beginning have vanished...

Well, I suppose I should feel important after reading that. Just warming up my ego since I generally dislike myself—so, if my arrogance is a bit much, you'll just have to forgive me...😎

Stana... (No input provided to rewrite.)
Well, here I am again... As far as women go, I don't have much of an issue—I can be quite the joker and a bit of a flirt when I’m actually out on the town—but the boredom and the solitude are killing me. Too much time to sit around and overthink things because there's just nothing to do... And look, if I wanted to find a girlfriend, I could—but I've decided to stay celibate until my bank account looks a little more respectable...

I’m sorry if you took my words to mean that I—or anyone else here—thinks you're unattractive or repulsive to women. You never actually said that, and there was absolutely no way for me to conclude that from what you wrote... I was simply laying out my own reasons for wanting to end it all and describing how I managed to temporarily shake off that death wish. If I misread your self-confidence as some sort of obsession with perfect lips to kiss, then that's on me...
Look, loneliness is really just the engine driving that desire to check out... It’s actually one of the darker sides of being alone—facing boredom means you're essentially staring straight into the void of existence. Being lonely means failing to connect with all those endless possibilities life throws your way—those chances to actually *do* something that engages your mind, soul, and body. Boredom just drags a wake of negativity behind it, tearing everything open and inviting all those repressed, dark corners of our consciousness to resurface...

If you’re really as charming and popular as you claim—the life of the party and all that—why aren't you surrounding yourself with people to kill the boredom... and the loneliness? I honestly don't think anything cures solitude quite like a genuine friendship. If social circles are wearing thin, yet the isolation still bites, then there’s likely a subconscious craving there—a desire to actually connect with someone on a deeper level, rather than just skimming the surface with friends who can't meet your actual needs. You want to be seen, understood, and truly reached by someone who holds the key to your core... But you won't get there if you're treating it like a math equation. Love doesn't send out formal invitations or RSVP ahead of time. You'll find her exactly when you stop hunting for her. This whole plan of yours—"I'll find someone once I've made enough money"—is just absurd. Love is the bedrock of humanity; it’s what drives us toward the good. Evil, on the other hand, is found in everything that wars against love—that raw, selfish lust that rejects healthy connection in favor of pure ego. Of course, the line between good and evil is messy and full of gray areas... our own perceptions aren't always accurate, but you get my point...

You really need to learn how to channel that energy properly—it’s all about direction. You're stuck at home, spinning your wheels, feeling more lethargic by the day while dealing with your father's struggles and the general weight of family issues... It makes sense why you'd feel like everything is pointless if you think you're just destined to become him. But you aren't. Use this time—while you actually have the health and vitality he once had—to make something of yourself. I can't say I truly understand what you're going through, since I didn't grow up with my father, but I did hold my grandfather in my arms as he passed away three months ago. He suffered terribly, and a million times over, I found myself wondering, "What's even the point of living if it all ends like this?" Maybe in the end, there isn't... but until then, there is still so much time left for new feelings, experiences, and realizations to flow through you. That’s why it’s worth it...

I’m telling you again—look around, listen, observe, actually absorb it all. If you’re still feeling bored and refuse to get moving, then fine... let fate decide what happens next...

feralcobra92 said:"Prototype of an ugly man"? Please... Don't you realize that women don't fall for looks—they fall for guys who actually have a personality and a sense of humor? I’ve always gone for the charming types—the ones who knew how to make me laugh... Looks didn't matter to me, as long as we had fun and he made me feel special. Honestly, he could have been a total wreck—a guy with a limp and an eye patch for all I cared. It's the truth, really—but if you guys just sit around at home being too shy to even strike up a conversation with a girl, you aren't going to meet anyone. Get out there and take action, men!

I’m not exactly the type to force my way into someone's space. There's just no way I could walk up to a girl and strike up a conversation—mostly because I don't feel like I have the physical or mental presence to actually command attention... though, naturally, that mindset is pretty much hardwired by everything I've dealt with in the past.

You’re wrong—women absolutely fall for good-looking guys. Sure, there are women attracted to unattractive men—not because they have some "alternative" sense of beauty, mind you—but that's technically classified as a disorder in psychiatric terms. What woman in love can honestly say her partner is ugly? To claim she loves him *because* he’s repulsive... well, unless there are other "earthly" motivations at play, it just doesn't track. Criteria vary wildly—some prioritize physical looks, others value a guy who stands out through character, maybe he's the dangerous type, the social butterfly, or just incredibly witty. But even that charm and charisma... it's all so intoxicating to a woman that it might actually mask a man's physical flaws. To suggest women don't fall for handsome men is simply false. Evolutionary theory dictates a drive toward the better, the more beautiful, the more perfect. Women choose—and they know how to choose—based on their own psychological makeup and what their genetic material allows. An interesting guy isn't just "average"—he's someone who excels at something, whatever that may be. An interesting guy isn't some immature, weakling type who lacks direction or hasn't achieved a single thing in his life. For example—and I'm not generalizing here—women driven by a primal need for protection will gravitate toward aggressive types, local tough guys, or those small-time criminals cruising around in loud, modified cars. Intellectual women look for the straight-A students or the high achievers in their careers. Then you have the ones who crave status; they want to link up with celebrities, the jet set, pro athletes, or those perfectly sculpted models. But believe me, no woman wants to be with a guy who is subpar in every single category. It makes no sense—almost every woman, much like almost every man, wants to be with the "best catch in the neighborhood" or the "coolest guy in the world." I'm not just sitting behind a desk theorizing this either—I'm out every night, observing and listening... I wasn't born yesterday. These observations mostly boil down to the same thing: guys tend to comment on breasts or butts—physicality—while women focus heavily on a man's status. I’ve moved past all that—I don't view a woman as an object, nor as a "prize" or a "trophy"... because I'm capable of finding something beautiful in every woman, whether it's a subtle detail only a few notice or a striking perfection obvious to everyone. The only thing I find truly unattractive is obesity—though, for my own reasons, I clearly can't claim to be objective there...

I tend to be pretty hard on myself—though I’d like to think I’m being objective here—and honestly, the only thing that could save me is pure physical beauty. But since I don't have that, nor do I possess any of the "required" traits—you know, success, wit, charm, etc.—I simply don't meet the criteria... and therefore, I can't be loved. Period.

Stana... said:I haven't the slightest clue...

It’s all well and good—maybe I’ll actually get around to doing something... but if I could be coerced into taking action that easily, this thread wouldn't even exist in the first place...

I assume you have no idea what it’s actually like—to have a woman by your side who truly loves you, someone you just want to protect and cherish... though, honestly, I don't think anyone really does. But hey, you’re still young; there's time. Once you fall in love, death loses all its meaning. Your depression is largely fueled by self-pity—this desperate need to deny yourself anything because you've convinced yourself that no girl could ever love or crave you the way you ache to be loved... It’s a trap. People destroy themselves when they believe they’ll always be strangers to everyone, including themselves. That sense of alienation is what forces you to give up—it’s this endless, flat plain of nothingness that just keeps dragging your mood down...

I’m twenty-one years old and I still haven't experienced what I consider to be life's greatest sweetness—I've never even kissed a girl, let alone been loved by one... and maybe that's just my reality. It's because I am the literal blueprint for an unattractive man. That realization led me down some dark paths—periods of self-destruction where I wouldn't eat for a week, just tearing myself apart physically and mentally. But here I am, still breathing, still typing, and trying to find some way to enjoy being young—even if I can't feel that genuine happiness most people my age take for granted. They don't even realize how rare it is to find someone willing to love you despite every flaw and imperfection... mostly because they're too busy cycling through new partners every single day.

What am I even trying to get at here? At first glance, there really isn't much point in sticking around. I’ve been sitting with the thought—if I’m destined to be unlovable because of how I look, why bother existing at all? What’s the point of being alive when I'll spend my entire life alone, never having that need to be loved actually met? By constantly projecting this self-loathing, I only ended up forcing my own insecurities onto everyone else—which, let's face it, is pretty repulsive. And now... here I am, a victim of my own making—partially broken mentally, and completely shattered physically...

You want to know who saved me from an early grave—at least for a little while? A wizard from the Midwest... someone who forced me to finally see the world through a different lens. I used to suffer so much—just because no girl would give me the time of day, because I felt repulsive and unwanted—I suffered because I was obsessed with being someone people actually admired. I wanted to be this imposing, standout figure of masculinity; I wanted to be smarter, better, and more perfect than I actually am... Then it hit me: all that misery and resentment stemmed from pure selfishness. I realized I’m someone who doesn't know the first thing about appreciating or respecting this mysterious world—someone who walks past the beauty of life like it’s something cheap and worthless. It turns out I was just blind—incapable of feeling or seeing anything—a total egocentric chasing nothing but my own spotlight. Every single one of my problems felt massive and unbeatable back then, mostly because I was too narrow-minded to see the sheer complexity of existence... the beauty and the strangeness found in people like you and everyone else living this life.

If someone asked me today why I live such a "loser" life—and let's be honest, that's how they'd see it—I’d tell them it’s because I want to soak up everything this life has to offer while I still can. The quiet beauty of sleeping cities, blooming landscapes, the grace of living things... those fleeting moments of sadness or laughter caught by chance. I don't feel the need to be beautiful myself anymore, nor do I care about being "desirable"—because beauty is everywhere. It’s served up in a thousand different ways, whether it's hiding in some tiny, delicate detail or standing bold in the presence of a woman... If you can't find joy in a stranger's smile, or if you aren't moved by the sorrow in a passerby's eyes, then you're missing the point entirely. You might think you're alone, but you're actually an inseparable part of this entire society—of this whole planet. Without it, you're nothing. Your identity, your speech, your very thoughts—it's all shaped by the collective influence of everyone around you. The world is just too diverse, too full of tiny, wonderful details to ignore. Even if you don't feel like a perfect person, you can still find happiness in the fact that you're a small piece of that perfection... simply because you're here, and you still exist...

Just let that beauty sink in—don't shut out all the possibilities waiting for you. Even if you feel completely isolated, misunderstood, or unloved... even if you think there's no one left to hold you or truly listen... try experiencing Nature's gifts through a different lens. I’ve nearly lost my mind from loneliness myself, yet somehow I wasn't truly alone. I found myself shouting at the winter winds for the way they lash against my face, or listening to the snow crunch faithfully under my boots. I’ve yelled at the sun for those vast, open landscapes that suddenly feel reachable, and stared at the stars until my imagination ran wild... I fell in love with the wind just because of the wisdom carried in those distant gusts dancing through my hair...

Nature offers a thousand reasons TO LIVE—reasons you might be too stubborn to accept. No matter how much weight I carry or how much I suffer, I can see the world differently, just as you can... you just have to WANT to.

You claim this thread wouldn't exist if you had actually taken action. Well, I'd argue the very fact that this exists proves you've already started. Think of your posts here as the first step—it's always easier to keep moving than it is to stop once you've begun. So don't falter; just keep moving. Hopefully, my advice—and the input from everyone else here—is enough of a nudge to keep you from stalling out again. I realize words aren't a magic fix; sometimes they sound hollow, almost fake. You might think, "this is all just fairy tales," wondering how anyone could possibly understand what you're going through. But I can't do more for you through a screen. If I were standing right there, I’d give you a physical shove toward a gym or a new hobby—anything to get you away from the dark thoughts flooding your head—but even then, you’d probably tell me you "don't have the strength," and I can't drag you along forever. That's why you need to accept our efforts here... and maybe reassure us that words aren't always too broken to actually help someone. After all, this is our only real power—using words to push you toward finding a better way to live and actually enjoy this massive world of endless mysteries...

The desire to simply cease existing usually kicks in when you’re trapped in a life loop that refuses to let you feel ALIVE—when every day is just a carbon copy of the last. In that kind of funk, finding any sense of purpose is nearly impossible, and without a North Star to guide you... well, there's no reason to keep moving forward. Some people try to find that meaning through RELIGION—essentially a desperate search for something higher—but modern faith has splintered into thousands of factions that have drifted far from their original roots. Most of these groups are built on distorted foundations of once-good ideas, which ironically leads to centuries of bloody warfare; the more certain someone is about their specific "truth," the more blinded and radical they become toward anyone who disagrees.

You actually have the power to shake things up—to perform a bit of life-restoration by chasing enough adrenaline to get your blood pumping before death inevitably catches up with us all. Of course, you can also avoid falling prey to those various cults that target people exactly like us—those of us who see every passing second as just another step closer to the inevitable decay of our bodies and brains. That’s exactly how they lure people in; they convince them that if they just lift their left foot while tapping their right against Marcus Aurelius's principles, they’ll somehow be spared from what fate has in store for the rest of us.
You can actually make use of this time you've been given—this youth—if nothing else, just to spite and mock that urge to die. How? Look, if you think you're brave enough to end it all, then use that same courage to experiment with living instead. Take up an extreme sport, learn skydiving, put yourself in situations where you’re staring death in the face. I guarantee you'll start valuing life only when it's illuminated by perspectives much more interesting than the ones you've had so far.

Most psychological struggles stem from fear. People are terrified of everything—fear of failing a class, fear of getting fired, fear of illness, death, loneliness, or even just expressing how they truly feel. Some fear a mediocre existence that drags on until old age. But there’s a cure for all of it; we just need to wake up the inner adventurers within us—the parts that push us to engage with the world and the vast spaces around us. We need to stop being so obsessively focused on our own internal suffering and complexes, which often drive us to subconsciously destroy others just to feel better. Suffering is really just a byproduct of being too self-absorbed. Once we start absorbing the world around us more broadly, we'll be too exhausted by the sheer momentum of existence to hear that inner voice whining about itself.

I'm guessing you're feeling pretty insecure and unhappy with your physical appearance—otherwise, you wouldn't be brooding on a forum. Besides, someone who genuinely believes they add something beautiful to the world, or thinks they're brilliant and handsome, would never dream of dying because their ego would make them feel too important to leave. But someone who feels small and insignificant—like an ant that nobody notices, let alone the stars or the cosmos—will eventually feel like they're just redundant to the universe.

I assume you're surrounded by flatlands, much like I used to be. That beautiful, agonizing emptiness that invites loneliness into your mind; when everything for miles is just level and identical, you can't help but feel tiny. And what is there to expect? More winter fog or sweltering summers? How can you find a glimmer of hope when your environment offers zero surprises? All you need to do is change your scenery—start walking, and keep walking until you hit some high ground.

Climb a mountain, reach a vantage point, and drink in the views that will offer a beauty your life hasn't seen yet. When you look out over the expanse beneath you, you'll feel like you finally have some control over the distance, and it'll be easier to breathe. It provides that necessary shift to inject some much-needed optimism and willpower back into your soul. All you need is a change, and that's achievable no matter how dark things look right now. If I were an old man, I wouldn't bother saying this—it would sound fake.

First thing you should aim for is succeeding at college—or even just high school—simply to feel some semblance of self-satisfaction. Beyond that, success is what actually grants you the leverage to change your circumstances. If you can’t find a reason to succeed, if you don't dream of one day buying a flashy car just to show off a little, or if you haven't stumbled upon some profound life philosophy to make sense of existence... then just achieve something so you can travel and explore this planet we call home. Believe me, witnessing the sheer diversity of natural beauty and the people scattered across this globe is something truly transcendent...

Then there's falling in love—that will shift your entire world. There is so much left for you to experience. Do you know what it feels like to touch a woman's skin, to run your hands through her hair, to find warmth in eyes looking back at you, or to hold someone who becomes your entire universe? Nothing on this earth carries more meaning than love. It fills the void and pushes away the nonsense. If you're currently stuck in a phase of unrequited longing, or if you're convinced no girl will ever give you a second glance, just realize how many living beings are out there waiting for your affection. Realize how many natural wonders and connections are available to you simply because you exist! You could do anything—you could go mad and become a Napoleon, you could spiral into addiction and wreck subway cars, you could be a straight-A student and earn awards... you can do whatever you want, yet you're just planning to die. There is always plenty of time for death, but for life, every single day brings less of it...
Change without dying is entirely possible; it's driven by our own willpower and the simple desire to be better...

Good luck...