Hm... I’ve been doing some thinking lately and realized I’ve actually been this way since I was about 19. That’s when it all started, though I was pretty good at masking it. Not even Mark Baker17 noticed, but my best friend saw right through me. Eventually, I drifted away from her. Over the years, I’ve distanced myself from everyone. I’ve had my ups and downs, but deep down, that feeling has always been chasing me... and tonight, it’s hitting hard. I’m 27 now... which feels heavy. I find myself wondering if I’ll ever actually be okay, or even just "better." I tend to hide behind my projects, sometimes working on them with this manic intensity like they’re the only thing keeping me alive; otherwise, I’m just sleeping or staring into space, waiting for the time to pass. Honestly, things have taken a much darker turn over the last two years. I feel emotionally hollow. Even eating has become a mindless ritual—I go through the motions perfectly, just like everything else I do, but food has lost its flavor. There’s just no sensation left... it feels like my soul has completely vacated. The only exceptions are these brief episodes where my creativity and all this potential I don't even know I possess suddenly burst out of me, and I feel amazing for a moment. I don't have a boyfriend, obviously. Someone in that position would need to be able to understand this, because on the outside, I look fine—pretty, normal, put-together—but inside, I'm empty... or maybe I'm just chasing something that isn't there. So, I just got diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder... and I honestly can't wrap my head around it. I guess only time will tell.
Interesting... when I first joined this forum, I wasn't expecting such silence. I'm not quite sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I'm trying to engage and stay busy with my daily routine... even posting here. I'm sharing my situation just to feel, for a moment, like it isn't actually happening. :-)
I'm not sure if intelligence plays any role here, but her take was that a patient in my condition wouldn't even be capable of finishing college at this level. She wasn't questioning my intellect specifically, just my ability to actually handle the workload and responsibilities required by a degree.
To be honest, I have to admit that being stuck in the middle and having to keep up with all these obligations regularly is incredibly draining. It’s a massive source of stress for me—not because of the science, which I love, but because of everything else surrounding it.
I wonder if the seizures might have skewed the diagnosis, especially since I kept them quiet when talking to the doctor. He seemed pretty arrogant, just confidently slapping that diagnosis on me after the initial exam without a second thought. I still have a few more tests to go, so... I'm still holding onto the belief that he got it wrong. My most recent episodes were terrifying; I don't even know what they were, and I hate even trying to remember them. All I know is that I felt this intense fear, like I was dying from the inside out. There was this inexplicable ache in my soul and an overwhelming emptiness that just hollowed me out, making it feel impossible to even exist because I didn't feel like myself. It was like something vague took control of me, and for those split seconds where I'd regain consciousness, pure panic would set in because I couldn't wrap my head around what was happening. It just looped endlessly. Afterward, I’d shake uncontrollably for hours, staying silent one moment and sobbing hysterically the next. Once the medication finally kicked in, it just broke me, and I fell into a heavy sleep right where I was. My mom was terrified and wanted to call 911, but she didn't want them to take me away, so fortunately, we stayed put.
Harold Anderson3 said:I honestly don't know what I could possibly recommend to you, since I'm certainly no doctor and this forum isn't really meant for handing out medical diagnoses. If I were you, though, I'd just ask that physician why they prescribed it in the first place. I haven't personally run into any bad doctors lately, but at the end of the day, they aren't infallible and they can definitely make mistakes.
I wasn't looking for a diagnosis; I'm just trying to make sense of everything happening to me that I don't understand. When I questioned him, he said it was his professional opinion and that he stands by it. I believe he might be wrong—anyone can be—but how can I actually know if he made a mistake? I can't. I suspect he's wrong, and while I can choose what to believe, I still know I'm not okay and I don't know why. I just want it all to stop. I'm exhausted; this has gone on far too long. I know I need help, even if I don't want it. I just want this to disappear, like waking up from a bad dream.
Harold Anderson3 said:Since I’m living with schizophrenia, I have to convince myself that it isn't quite as terrifying as it seems and that a normal life is still possible. But honestly, throwing that diagnosis around at people who don't actually have it is just wrong. 😕 Would you mind sharing what kind of medications you've been prescribed? It feels completely surreal to me that a psychiatrist would hand out a diagnosis like that to someone who hasn't even been hospitalized twice. Usually, you don't just get labeled with schizophrenia on your first go, no matter how intense a psychotic episode might be. And if there wasn't even a psychotic episode to begin with... 😕 I'm feeling just as confused by this as you are.
Okay, here is the situation... I've been battling some pretty nasty depression for years. There were phases where things felt better, and other times when I completely bottomed out. I've tried various antidepressants to no avail; they didn't help at all, and all they did was cause intense side effects like vomiting, nausea, and dizziness.
I've also had these inexplicable episodes—I'm not even sure what to call them—where I probably should have been admitted to a hospital, though I managed to avoid that. My mother is very supportive, and I have Klonopin on hand to knock me out if an episode hits, which usually leads to sleeping for long stretches. After those episodes, I'm so exhausted that I end up sleeping for weeks.
After years of unsuccessful treatment with a private psychiatrist, she decided to prescribe Eglonil syrup. I've been taking it for a while now and I'm doing okay; I don't know if it's actually working, but for the first time, I'm not dealing with side effects.
So, since the private treatment wasn't working, she referred me to JPMorgan Chase, where I received my actual diagnosis. I still have to complete some testing they signed me up for.
I'm scared of everything. Honestly, I'd rather not go at all; I feel like it might all just be for nothing.
Hello everyone, So, after my first official evaluation at the Mayo Clinic psychiatry department in San Francisco, the psychiatrist gave me an F20.6 diagnosis (simple Schizophrenia). Previously, I was being treated for depression by a private practitioner. Anyway, this happened just two days ago, and I am still in shock. I called my former doctor, and she told me it was impossible—that someone with my level of education couldn't have this. For context, I hold a Master’s degree and am currently finishing a second Master’s in Physics. After receiving the diagnosis, I did some reading online and was left... well, frankly, horrified. I'm scared. I truly believe I don't have this, but how can I know for certain? Can anyone help me make sense of this? My symptoms are... I hate talking about this, and I don't speak much except with close contacts. I have my family and two other people I stay in touch with. I am not social at all; leaving the house is regularly a struggle and feels like an immense effort. On top of that, I have no appetite; I force myself to eat only when I'm starving, and I don't care what I eat. I lack desire and ambition; I feel empty inside most of the time, occasionally sad, but mostly just exhausted and listless. As for whether I am emotionally numb, I don't know... I cycle between periods of high sensitivity and being extremely suppressed, where I feel nothing but emptiness. I am frightened. I know that what I am going through isn't normal; I can feel that something is wrong with me, I just don't know what or why. It’s just terrible, and I want it to stop. Everything is becoming harder, even going to university, though I love science. I’d much rather do everything from home. I often think about just giving up and staying in bed. Sometimes, when I have no obligations, I spend days on end just sleeping. About a month ago, I reconnected with a guy I've known for a long time, and we've started talking again. I think it’s helping me; we talk, and I actually feel something for him, which I think are good signs. My biggest struggle is my isolation from the world. I try to integrate more, but people often perceive me as unapproachable, so even at school, I usually end up alone. I feel like I'm suffocating. It's been going on for a while now; there hasn't been a sustained better period, just slightly better days than the bad ones. Every day, I just hope it will be one of those better days. I haven't really opened up to this guy yet. If only he knew... I think he knows me well since we were close friends in the past, but again, it’s all just too much for me right now.
Zoloft, Xanax, and Lamictal... it’s not exactly a standard combo, but I haven't dealt with any side effects so far. Zoloft works well, though I don't really feel its effects anymore; it keeps my mood up, but now I just get anxious if I miss a dose. Everyone knows how Xanax hits. As for the Lamictal, it makes me sleepy, and the same goes for the calming effect.