Posts by Rebecca Rivera3

Schizophrenia is an illness of the soul... so is it even possible to heal a soul with nothing but pills? You can certainly try...

They say psychosis kicks in once we let our inner child run wild without any boundaries... It sounds a bit ridiculous, but do you think there's actually some truth to that?

I just moved past a depressive phase and now I'm hitting mania, naturally... It’s honestly exhausting knowing this manic high isn't real, because I start believing I'm invincible when, in reality, I can't handle half of what I think I can.

I doubt there’s any medication out there actually capable of manufacturing feelings. What do you even do when you feel completely hollow inside? When you can't love, can't feel anything at all... life is defined by emotion, and without them, everything feels meaningless. What happens when you find yourself unable to give a genuine laugh? To love, or even to be loved... it's a heavy realization. This world can be a sad place—and my own world often feels even worse.

I’m not taking any medication :-) haha... what’s the point? In a society this dysfunctional, you can't even afford to be healthy. It’s much easier to just find someone else who’s struggling and hang out with them instead...

My psychiatrist keeps insisting I take certain psychological tests, but honestly, I’m thinking about just telling him no. It feels like such a waste of time. I mean, sure, maybe they help with basic stuff or act as a little extra guidance for some people, but what good does it do for me? What am I going to gain? I don't need to end up with even more issues to deal with. Just what I need right now...

Maybe I'm wrong, but I've noticed one thing: highly spiritual and intelligent people seem to lean toward these kinds of illnesses more often...
And it’s honestly sad. That's why I find myself clinging to the idea of getting my PhD if I can manage it. It feels like it might offer some solace. Between my concentration issues, compulsions, social phobia—not to mention everything else that's even worse—getting through college is a struggle. Just functioning in life is hard. I see you all wondering if you could even handle an eight-hour workday; I ask myself the same thing. When I finally get to campus, I wonder if I'll have the stamina to stay through a lecture, show up, and actually look okay doing it.
It's embarrassing to deal with mental health struggles. Richard White8 described it perfectly; you don't want even your closest family to know. You feel ashamed, like it makes you weak or lesser than everyone else... though it shouldn't be that way.
Vitamins help, but they make me nauseous. Most pills do, and my stomach is just a mess. I don't smoke or drink, though I do love coffee—even if it gives me heartburn. In the evenings, while the rest of the world is asleep, I love to just lie down and stare at the stars, imagining I'm on some distant planet far away from all these problems.

I'm honestly undecided about starting the medication. I need to see how I feel over the next few weeks before making a final call. To be honest, I'm already dealing with a significant amount of emotional numbness and emptiness, and I'm worried about what these drugs might do to me. That numbness is the hardest part of everything; there isn't really a cure for it. It makes living a normal life nearly impossible when you feel indifferent toward almost everything.

As for the compulsions, I actually downplayed things when I said 15. I have a tendency to minimize my struggles. In reality, my better days are closer to 15, but if I'm being completely honest, the number is more likely around 30.

I was saddened to read your posts, Richard White8, and... they truly touched me...
Over the last few months, I’ve been dealing with compulsions where I find myself rearranging things, or getting up about 15 times before bed just to pace around the room. I lie back down feeling like I've finally hit a reset button, hoping everything will be okay...

I've never experienced those phases of depersonalization, so I can't imagine how you managed to handle that. Honestly, hats off to you... much respect for everything you've endured over those four years.

I believe this kind of situation often develops due to a genetic predisposition triggered by specific stressors. Whether it reaches a breaking point or doesn't manifest at all usually depends on one's environment.
In my case, my entire father's side of the family deals with illness. For the past year, I didn't face major issues beyond some depression, but then everything else started hitting me. To be honest, I probably should have been hospitalized several times more; my intelligence always seems to pull me through, or at least that’s what my psychiatrist claims. When a psychosis hit me—one I hadn't mentioned to anyone before—I ended up lying on the floor under a blanket with nothing but a towel for cover. I genuinely thought the world outside was shaking and that if I got off the floor, I would die. I stayed there for days, taking whatever medication I had just to numb myself enough to quiet the voices, repeating that cycle until I finally found the strength to get up. I was terrified of it happening again.
When I looked in the mirror, I saw a total stranger. Once I pulled myself together and saw how neglected I looked—thin, disheveled, with long hair because I couldn't bring myself to care for it—it became too much to handle. I realized things had gone too far. There was nothing left to do but learn to live with it and try to pull myself together, which is exactly what I've attempted to do.
However, it has returned, and I find myself withdrawing inward. I am deeply afraid of losing my mind. I don't talk about my psychotic episodes anymore; instead, I hide them because I'm scared of being institutionalized or something worse. When it takes hold, I lose control, so I shut myself away where no one can see or hear me, just waiting for it to pass.

Visionary, I also struggle with stomach issues because of my lack of eating, so I rely on various tablets and ointments for my stomach.

And now I’m supposed to start antipsychotics, but I really don't want to. I admit, I haven't been taking them. The reason is simple: they don't even work for my specific condition, and they would just sedate me even further until I become a complete zombie, which I refuse to be.

It’s just like this from time to time... whenever I start talking more, I tend to withdraw. I rarely go out for coffee with anyone; usually, I only leave the house when absolutely necessary.
I just want to be healthy. Is that really too much to ask?

Reading through these posts, I see that everyone here has either survived their own personal hell or is fighting through one every single day. It’s truly heartening to come to a place like this where we can all offer support and lean on one another... people who have walked similar paths just seem to understand each other better.
I ended up sleeping the whole day away today; I only woke up about an hour ago.
My diagnosis is simple schizophrenia and schizophrenic disorder. I’ve tried countless medications, but nothing seems to work... it feels futile. Aside from that, I try to maintain a healthy lifestyle, though I struggle with skipping meals sometimes and sleeping far too much.
I don't know... I'm just hoping for a new chapter to start soon, where this depression finally ends and whatever comes next begins. The hardest part is feeling like I can't have friends, a boyfriend, or anyone else in my life... because who could ever truly understand this madness?

Visionary, it feels like my sense of humor has completely vanished lately... I’m following along and taking all the advice shared here because, at the end of the day, I think we're all just trying to survive and find a better way to live.
Harold Anderson3 mentioned that maybe I don't have schizophrenia. There is a history of it in my family—my father and his parents both dealt with it—and besides that, there have been auditory hallucinations. Still, I’m holding out hope that I don't have it, haha. :-) Hope dies last...
You suggested trying B vitamins; I actually tried them once without much improvement, but I'll give it another shot since it can't hurt.
The hardest part is just functioning when I'm in this kind of coma. I can't even force myself to get out of bed; I just lie there like a corpse... it's terrible. I can't even leave the house. Sounds are too loud, lights are too bright, and even when I do manage to step outside, I feel like I'm suffocating. Not to mention the effort it takes just to get dressed before leaving—it feels like an impossible task. It's sad how much a person can decline, and honestly, it's hard to stay optimistic in a situation like this.

I hit a depressive patch today, though I’m hoping it isn't a severe one... I'm hanging out on the forum, which usually means it's manageable; otherwise, I wouldn't even be posting. Still, I slept through most of the day and barely ate anything—just half a sandwich before retreating back to my bed in a dark room.
Harold Anderson3, do you and Diego go running? I find myself doing that occasionally when I can actually muster enough willpower to live, haha.

I hate it when they act like I’m completely devoid of emotion, especially since that isn't always the case. I often experience very intense feelings, even if they don't last long before the emotional numbness kicks in...
Don't try to comfort me... except for the hope that one day all of this will just be a bad memory.

I’m with you, Harold Anderson3. A lot of people lack any real empathy; some act like they don't care at all, while others just put on a performance to pretend they do. Congrats on passing your exam, by the way. A person can achieve anything as long as they want it badly enough—even when the world feels like it's falling apart... hehe.
Sometimes we don't even know the exact reason why we want something, yet the desire remains intense. For instance, I'm aiming for a PhD in physics because... well, I'm not entirely sure. I just have this nagging feeling that without it, I won't be worth anything. I've always been "the smart one," and if I'm not that, then I don't know what I am... I feel like a nobody.
But lately, the voices I hear from time to time are starting to scare me, and the nightmares have been pretty intense. I wake up drenched in sweat and tears... I can't afford private therapy, and through my insurance provider, the guy I saw just looks at me like I'm some kind of doll inhabited by a sociopath.

I’ve been away for a few days... and reading through Harold Anderson3's recent breakdowns makes me feel terrible that I wasn't here to offer support. I really hope he’s hanging in there and that this phase starts to pass soon. Harold Anderson3, your mood swings seem incredibly intense... mine aren't quite like that. When depression hits me, I can stay stuck in bed for weeks or even months; I just sleep, eating and drinking the bare minimum just to survive, which is such a struggle. I don't leave the house or talk to anyone—I look like a zombie. My family is pretty used to it by now; they’re just waiting for the moment I finally get up and start "functioning" again.

It seems like a lot of people deal with vision issues, so maybe we have that in common... my myopia is high, I have primary glaucoma, and my macular degeneration is progressing, haha... just wonderful, right? I'll be happy if I don't go blind... but anyway, that's not the point right now. Regardless, welcome to the club.

Last summer I fainted, though I never looked into why... and then yesterday, my body and consciousness just gave out again. Cold sweat, sounds muffled, brain fog, and then total blackout. I have no idea what's happening to me. Maybe I should get an MRI, which would probably be ideal, but my doctor can't stand me, and if I actually go to see her, she'll just brush me off. I found out today that my grandfather has epilepsy... is that hereditary?

Oh, and I also see those floaters in my field of vision, and some days my sight is so bad that I bump into everything. I actually ended up with a bruise on my face because I walked straight into a door, haha... it's awful... but I'm trying.
Everyone looks at me as this beautiful, smart girl since I'm currently working on my second degree, but I'm terrified that I won't finish.

I’ve been away for a few days... and reading through Harold Anderson3's recent breakdowns makes me feel terrible for not being here to offer support. I really hope he’s hanging in there and that this phase starts to pass soon. Harold, your mood swings seem incredibly intense... mine aren't quite like that. When depression hits me, I can't get out of bed for weeks or even months at a time. I just sleep. I eat and drink the bare minimum just to survive, and even that feels like a chore. I don't leave the house and I don't talk; I look like a zombie. My family is used to it by now—they're just waiting for the moment I finally wake up and start "functioning" again.

It seems like a lot of people deal with vision issues, so maybe that's something we have in common... my myopia is severe, I have primary glaucoma, and my macular degeneration is progressive, haha... just wonderful, right? I'll be happy if I don't go blind... but anyway, that's not important right now. Regardless, welcome to the club.

Last summer, I fainted and I have no idea why—I haven't looked into it yet. Then yesterday, it happened again: my body went numb, I lost consciousness, broke out in a cold sweat, sounds faded out, my head felt foggy, and then everything went black. I don't know what's happening to me. Maybe I should get some tests done; an MRI would probably be great, but my doctor hates me, and if I actually show up, she'll probably just brush me off. I found out today that my grandfather has epilepsy... is that hereditary?

Oh, and I also see those floaters in my field of vision, and some days my sight is so bad that I bump into everything. I actually ended up with a bruise on my face because I walked straight into a door, haha... it's awful... but I'm trying.
Everyone looks at me as this pretty, smart girl since I'm currently working on my second degree, but I'm terrified that I won't finish.

Nicole Barrett76, your question is... well, complicated. However, research has demonstrated that a human hug can reduce fear and anxiety, which provides a certain level of support. Ultimately, it comes down to the individual doctor and how willing they are to cross that line to offer comfort while waiting for an injection to take effect. Whether such an act is considered moral or immoral depends entirely on the specific details and the circumstances surrounding the situation.

For instance, the psychiatrist I saw would know that doing something like that would be inappropriate, because even his initial demeanor was unprofessional—the way he looks at me makes it impossible to ignore. I can see a hidden desire in his eyes as he types away at his computer... that's why I avoid male doctors. Honestly, I don't have to look far to see this pattern; none of my male friends have ever wanted to be "just friends"—eventually, everyone wants more. It seems like men have a genetic predisposition toward it; I honestly wonder how any of them manage to stay monogamous.
And of course, I ended up having to see a male psychiatrist at the local medical center. I don't really have a choice; I either go or I don't... haha, though usually, I just don't go.

Reality can be incredibly harsh... when both faith and medicine fail you, you're left alone with yourself, fighting against your own reflection.

Poverty just makes everything worse. When you're struggling financially, you can't afford the kind of support you actually need, and what the government provides is rarely enough to get someone back on their feet or even able to work. So, what's the alternative? The only answer I see is helping ourselves... Even if a state psychiatrist wants to help me more than anyone else—I don't know why, maybe he just likes me or feels sorry for me—it still doesn't solve the core issue.
So... the question remains, what is the right way to handle this?
I believe everyone has to help themselves as much as possible, even when it’s incredibly difficult, and sometimes people simply can't, which I understand. I've been in a position where I was completely stuck myself. But as long as I am able, I try not to spend my hard-earned money on psychotherapy. It's not because I think it's useless, but because I truly believe that through sheer strength and willpower, you can pull yourself up. At the end of the day, no one can help you as much as you can help yourself.

It feels like everyone is losing their minds lately... it’s getting to the point where you can barely find anyone who isn't caught up in some kind of collective madness. Even if they aren't fully there, they all show at least some initial symptoms or signs.
I could say the same about you and me; you put it perfectly. When I look in the mirror and see the person staring back compared to just a few years ago... I see someone physically frailer because of the exhaustion, pale because I haven't seen much sunlight, and sporting long hair because even a trip to the barber felt like too much of a burden back then.
But honestly, when I look closely, there are new lines on my face that I don't even recognize myself.

Today was the first time I heard them. The voices aren't loud, and they don't bother me too much, but I hear them. When will this pass? Maybe when I wake up, they'll just be gone...
And everything has slowed down so much that my mom is already asking me if I should go see a doctor...
Ugh... I really hope I feel better tomorrow.