Posts by Chloe Flores83

Joseph Bailey41 said:I don't know, I think it actually leans more toward what Laura Castillo6 was saying. It’s like you had a genetic predisposition, and then you ended up in a social environment that acted as the trigger. People who are generally stable can usually mess around with those kinds of things without any lasting impact—well, maybe they feel a temporary rush during a group ritual or something, where the atmosphere gets intense enough to induce a trance, but once it's over, they just go about their day like nothing happened. But for you, things took a different turn. Then again, if you had been in a more supportive environment instead of dealing with hospitals, medication, and worried family members—whatever that setup looked like for you—it's entirely possible the situation would have stabilized on its own and you wouldn't be facing recurring psychosis. Honestly, that diagnosis carries such a heavy stigma. Getting hit with it is an incredibly uncomfortable experience, and it inevitably triggers a whole new set of complications.

Regarding Amorac—look, like I mentioned before, I don’t really know much about the specifics. But I do know people who have dealt with some serious emotional fallout after messing around with different cults. For instance, some struggle to socialize normally after living in those isolated communities, others end up feeling emotionally numb from things like Bhakti or Hare Krishna practices, and then you have the folks who get completely sucked into wild conspiracy theories involving reptiles or whatever else once they start practicing Transcendental Meditation. The human psyche is incredibly complex. When you're young, you just don't have the tools to know how a certain spiritual technique or a specific leader might affect you. You can't exactly check a label on someone's forehead to see if they're a psychopath, and when you're still figuring out your own predispositions and triggers, it’s easy to get steered in the wrong direction. Honestly, it’s probably best to stay away from all that stuff until you're at least forty, but I guess what can you do when life just feels boring? 😁

I actually love your writing style, even if I don't agree with everything you say. I don't feel the stigma myself—which sounds crazy, I know—but some of my friends still have no clue I have schizophrenia. They’d probably pass out if I told them. Even my immediate family doesn't believe I have it because they say I haven't changed at all. They sense something is "off," sure, but since I've always been a bit different from most people, they don't really dwell on it. I don't know a single person with schizophrenia outside of this little forum, and I notice the illness has taken something away from everyone here. My life hasn't changed much, and neither have I or my family. I was in a bit of a gray zone after my last psychotic episode earlier this year, but sitting here typing this seems to be helping. I’ve never taken medication. I feel like I’m different here too, and honestly, I’m not a fan. It’s exhausting.
Regarding Amorac, most people hear "hermeticism" or "occult" and immediately think of something negative, so they're wary. You don't need to listen to others or read up on it—especially since the internet is full of nonsense—it's best to just see for yourself. There isn't anything mysterious about it. There are plenty of various exercises involving positive and negative breathing, intuition work, self-healing, and so on. Just read their manifesto; you might actually like it.

Joseph Bailey41 said:It’s tough to guess what drives other people... especially since I don't know them personally. But as soon as I typed the name of that order into Google, one of the first things that popped up was this:

https://www.hermetizam.com/amorc-bez-maske.html

Cults are tricky business. For many former members, it takes years to mentally and emotionally recover from an experience like that, even if the groups claim to be all about peace and love. Personally, I feel like spiritual searching is something you should do on your own (maybe with a therapist), or not at all. I've never been much for group rituals, whether we're talking about football games, Gnostic ceremonies, or just a standard church service. I know I’m a pretty terrible follower—people have told me my rational side is just too strong—so I tend to keep a respectful distance from all of it. I study things, but strictly from afar. One thing that has become clear to me is that a lot of spiritual seekers enter these circles just to amass material wealth or gain control over others, all to feed some kind of "spiritualized" ego. Of course, you can't tell that at first glance because everyone in that scene finds it convenient to act like a lamb, even if they are actually predators. To put it bluntly, there are all sorts of moral monsters walking this earth, and you can never be one hundred percent certain about someone else's intentions. Once that realization starts sinking in, your brain can really overdo it and start spiraling into paranoia. Sometimes the mind is like a trained dog—it just does exactly what it's been taught to do. And if you've trained yours to look for mystical symbols and hidden meanings in a puddle on the street, that's exactly what it's going to do.

If I'm following you correctly, are you saying I'm stuck in a schizophrenic loop because some person from Amorac manipulated my thoughts? Could you explain a bit more? Like, how does that actually work?

Joseph Bailey41 said:In short—yes.

The thing is, it’s usually not about supernatural forces, but rather the manipulative tactics those types tend to use. Even back in 1930, Lady Luck's author, Dione Fortune, noted in her book "Psychological self-defense" how occultists would target "sensitives"—people who were mentally vulnerable—just to exploit them for various reasons. My guess is that this group was trying to establish some kind of mental control over you, and your mind essentially escaped into psychosis as a way to cope. I actually went through something very similar myself. It wasn't secret societies involved, just a bunch of everyday manipulators and charlatans I happened to be surrounded by at the time. About six months after finishing a certain course, I fell into a state that felt a lot like psychosis. On the surface, I was functioning relatively normally for my age and stage in life, but internally, I was playing out all these elaborate scenarios where—granted, I wasn't Jesus—but I felt incredibly special and vital to the fate of humanity. Synchronicity started happening to me constantly. Once that phase passed, I avoided anything esoteric for years; I just thought it was all total nonsense and superstition. But curiosity eventually got the better of me, so I started studying different psychological schools of thought, spirituality, and so on, just to understand what had actually happened to my brain. I found some answers, though I don't know if they apply to your situation or anyone else's. So, I'd ask: how are you doing mentally and emotionally these days? Are you seeing a therapist or taking any medication? From your writing, you seem quite composed and articulate, but it's always hard to tell for sure over the internet.

Those people weren't frauds. They were just regular, normal people looking for answers, wanting to understand themselves and God, just like I was. I honestly don't get why anyone in that group would want to exert mental control over me. What could they possibly gain from that?

Joseph Bailey41 said:Quick question—did you join before or after your first psychotic episode?

About six months before. You think there could be a connection there?

I know we’re talking about a fictional world here, and I get that sometimes things just short-circuit and throw your brain chemistry totally out of whack. But honestly? I don't know how far it goes. Like, take that guy who showed up in the woods—was he actually there? Or did I just make him up, along with this whole situation we've been stuck in for the last hour or two? Can hallucinations really be that vivid? I probably wouldn't be obsessing over this so much if I wasn't a member of a mystical order like AMORC... ugh, excuse me, my keyboard just went haywire. Does anyone know how to fix this? I'm running Linux, but all the guides I found online are specifically for Windows. Seriously, between the schizophrenia and these random tech glitches, I've had enough for one day.☕

Vordas, believe me, we have never actually met. Or maybe we did and I just totally blanked on it🙂

Sunflower, I just don't really get what's happening in this video—how about you? For me, my head was always just full of wild, scattered ideas that ended up being kind of silly or even funny in hindsight. I never actually dealt with anything that made me feel awful, anxious, or paranoid. Not before or after my psychotic episode. The only thing was this one time I heard a voice in my head telling me what to do when I found myself stuck in the middle of the woods late at night. There wasn't a soul around, and then I stumbled upon some guy who was looking to jump me. I somehow managed to get away in one piece, probably thanks to that voice.

Does anyone else here have voices that actually help them out, or did yours only say nasty things? And does everyone living with schizophrenia have to hear voices?

Robin Lopez2 said:In my case, my mom just walked in from the other room while I was in the bathroom, swapped out the ashtray, and slipped back into her room before I even realized what happened. No aliens, no supernatural forces, nothing. There are perfectly logical explanations for things like this, and it definitely isn't any of that stuff you wrote about!

The supernatural exists, whether we believe in it or not. Our brains just try to make sense of the world by coming up with the "best" possible explanations. I'll admit, I've rambled about all sorts of things here, but hey, that's what happens when you have an overactive imagination. Not to mention my medical history...
As for my own weird experiences, lately I've been leaning toward blaming it on a momentary lapse in memory or maybe just an optical illusion. It makes life a lot easier, and it keeps my imagination on a leash. It's a little less exciting, sure, but hey, anything to stay away from a hospital bed. And wait, why would your mom be swapping ashtrays if you said you live alone with just your dog?

Robin Lopez2 said:We seriously need to install cameras at home. 😉

Explain my situation to me, ash tray guy: I wake up, turn on my computer, and there's a large crystal ashtray sitting on my desk. I head to the bathroom to brush my teeth, and while I'm there, I decide I'd rather have my small crystal ashtray on the desk instead of the big one. I finish up and go make some coffee. When I get back to the desk to swap them out, the small one is already sitting there, and the large one is nowhere to be found. For a split second, I actually thought I had swapped them through sheer willpower.

What do you think actually happened with those ashtrays?

Most people immediately hunt for a rational explanation, mostly because we're wired to be rational creatures. But a long time ago, people used to listen to their hearts. Nowadays, everyone's forgotten how to do that. We don't rely on intuition anymore, even though that's the very thing that brings us closer to God. So, look at it this way: what if all these weird little glitches are actually divine helpers giving us signs? You know, proof that the spiritual realm is real and that angels aren't just fairy tales? Or, if we admit there is a spiritual side to things, maybe they were just mischievous spirits who are thrilled they finally found someone on their frequency? Or maybe it was just some playful alien kids who, despite the rule about not interacting with Americans (since they think we're basically trash), decided to move stuff around with their minds? Honestly, maybe you tapped into that power yourself. Maybe you hit a "pink zone"—that fourth dimension where divine creative energy flows and things can just morph. And you just thought the ashtrays into a different shape. There. Done.

But... if we don't believe in God or life on other planets, then it was just a plain old fainting spell. Definitely a momentary lapse. Amnesia. A Blackout. Just a random glitch. That world without God, aliens, or higher dimensions... just us, alone in an infinite universe. Kind of terrifying, right?

Jose Ward4 said:Don't be such a pessimist! 🙂 Anything is possible if you have the willpower, but honestly, I think knowledge comes first. You need the right information. I tried it for two days and I was hungry constantly—which, let's face it, is totally expected. Right now, I'm too busy with work and dealing with this intense heatwave to figure it out. Once I have a week or two of actual free time, maybe I'll give it another shot after doing some more research online. For now, nothing. How are you doing? You seem very grounded to me lately. Like everything is steady and you aren't struggling with anything right now.

Honestly, I'm just doing okay. My biggest struggle lately is dealing with being autistic. I really don't fit in with all the superficial small talk at work, so I usually just stay quiet. Even my social circle has shrunk, so I end up spending most of my time alone, but honestly, that actually works for me right now. The hardest part about interacting with people is that I sometimes can't find the right words; it’s like certain terms have just been wiped from my vocabulary. Then I stumble through what I'm trying to say and it just comes out sounding awkward. It's so frustrating.

Robin Lopez2 said:I live alone, so there's a chance someone could actually be stealing food from my fridge—and it definitely isn't my dog, since he can't even reach the handle. But the explanation is pretty simple. I opened the fridge to grab some radishes for a salad, only to find they were gone, vanished into thin air. I know for a fact they were in there. Then it hit me: I came home a few drinks in the other night, polished them off, and completely blacked out. That’s where they went. 😬

You weren't actually drunk; it’s more like the movie just cut to black, and you have no memory of what happened next. I’ve had moments like that myself—I'll find myself telling my sister the exact same story five times in a single afternoon without realizing I've already said it. It didn't even click for me until she finally pointed out how many times I'd repeated myself.

Everyone assumes I did it all myself and just forgot, mostly because they can't think of a better logical reason. If this were happening to someone without schizophrenia, sure, they might stop and wonder. But since we've got that label attached to us, people just chalk it up to forgetfulness. Honestly, hallucinations feel like a much more likely culprit.
When you're dealing with schizophrenia, weird things happen, and you often act in ways that seem silly or nonsensical, but never quite "crazy" enough to be tossing clothes everywhere or throwing knives around the apartment, right? That's because during a psychotic episode, you're living in this parallel world where everything makes perfect sense, no matter how disconnected the pieces seem. Plus, some stuff in my place has just straight-up disappeared—like my journal and a few other things—while other stuff just shows up out of nowhere. Go ahead, try explaining that to me... just don't tell me I threw it in the trash and forgot. 🙄

Angela Stewart6 said:Chloe Flores83, I wasn't actually there with you—honestly, my spirit was just going through such an intense period of suffering. I’ve never been an aggressive person; the one time I ever truly clashed was during a single argument with my sister. Back then, I felt this overwhelming sadness because I genuinely believed I had passed away—that everyone around me had grown old while I was gone—but after my "death," everything felt fresh again, filled with new people, and I realized things would eventually be okay. Everything feels brand new now! I spent so much time grieving because I couldn't stop thinking about a parallel universe where my entire family is living in mourning because of me—it made dealing with my suicide attempt and the weight of what I "did" absolutely unbearable. That is exactly why I would never, ever go through with it again. The spiritual agony I endured because of that choice was immense. It is a heavy, serious sin. If only I could go back and say I never even tried, but... well, what happened, happened.

As for those strange occurrences, I have definitely heard stories about them existing. When I was in that state—just a spirit, really—I would wake up in the morning while everyone else was still asleep. I’d be sitting there, lost in thought about death and God, when suddenly—out of nowhere!—the TV would just click on by itself and start playing songs, or I’d see messages pop up downstairs saying "good morning" or "happy birthday." That is what I remember most vividly.

My TV used to turn itself on and off like that too, though honestly, maybe it was just a bad connection or something. It doesn't happen anymore; things have finally gone back to normal. How did you interpret it all? And those messages... I know some people think God sends them through the radio or the TV. Did you feel like He was talking to you?

Jamie Lewis said:Hey
@Chloe Flores83, 😁I've got a question for you
>🤔Since you’ve actually had a conversation with God, could you walk me through what He looks like? I’m just looking for a description, you know, so if I ever happen to run into Him one day, I'll at least recognize who I'm dealing with. 😁

What does God look like? It’s impossible to put into words!

Angela Stewart6 said:At the very beginning of my illness, I was honestly convinced I had become a ghost. Seriously—I spent so much time questioning whether I was even alive or if I’d somehow slipped into some sort of parallel universe! It was quite the existential rollercoaster, really. 🤦

Wow, you all certainly didn't hold back! There is just so much written here that I can barely keep up with it all 🍿

I can't keep up either, but that whole spirit thing is pretty interesting. Maybe you were visiting me? Someone was definitely moving things around and tossing stuff all over my house. 🙂
But seriously, there have been times where I've found clothes completely crumpled up, turned inside out, or just in the totally wrong spot. Or I'll wake up and find leaves from a vase scattered on the floor on the other side of the room. No big deal, I just put them back in the vase, then the next day they're somewhere else again. One time, a knife fell between the sink and the stove and I couldn't get it out for the life of me. Three months later, I find it sitting right in a drawer. How is that even possible when I live alone?! I figured the GPS light turning on by itself was just a bad connection, but this stuff with the knife and everything else... there's more, too, but I won't ramble too much. Does anyone have an explanation for this, or maybe a similar experience?

Jose Ward4 said:It is such a beautiful morning here in Washington, D.C. I'm just sitting here, enjoying my coffee and the rain. It's wonderful. If only it stayed like this all day. Honestly, I don't think I'm even afraid of psychosis anymore. About a month or so ago, I thought, "Okay, let's try going off the meds." I made it seven days before I developed gastritis, and by the seventh day, the vomiting got really bad. I read a lot of unconventional medicine, and almost every doctor—which is basically the first rule of Hippocrates' teachings—agrees that most illnesses start in the gut and stomach. I would love to commit to weaning myself off completely, but I need someone to guide me because it's clear that food is a massive trigger for me. Even Gerson's therapy mentions how triggers affect the nervous system, suggesting that eating animal products can turn a person schizophrenic. So far, my attempts have failed, but I've seen countless testimonies on YouTube where people managed to overcome schizophrenia simply by switching to a raw food diet and living totally normal lives today. My main hurdle when trying to quit entirely is that I can't seem to stay home; I actually need constant social interaction, but that's the ultimate goal. The screen bothers me, and I'm losing interest in the online work I do. At one point, I even considered joining a commune, though that's still just an idea. But yeah, I don't fear psychosis anymore because I didn't experience a single episode during those short trial runs.

As for sharing experiences, I'm all for it. I think we should all help each other, especially when things get heavy. That’s why I asked Diego, but he doesn't want to give a straight answer, and I prefer being direct. I don't want to be a downer, but that's just the reality.

Carl Jung wrote over fifteen books on various subjects. Just search for "Carl Jung books" or "Carl Jung Ebooks" and you'll find the whole list. He was on the same level as Freud, but he delved into much more diverse topics, and he believed that schizophrenia could be rooted in trauma and treated through psychotherapy. There are plenty of articles and interviews out there in print if you want to dig deeper. I truly found myself in his descriptions of schizophrenia. Everyone has their own way of overcoming it. Some swear by psychotherapy, like Carl Jung did; others avoid animal protein; some find healing through God. There isn't one single, proven path, but I believe that one day I'll make it through and live a full life as a recovered schizophrenic. It's up to us to decide how we want to live and what we want to do.

I personally tend to believe that schizophrenia is mostly incurable. Some people just get lucky and learn to manage it, kind of like living with high blood pressure or diabetes. Others might be even luckier and, for some reason, stop having psychotic episodes altogether and won't need medication anymore. I'm really hoping I'm in that group. Maybe there's even a group of people who are constantly in psychosis but still function normally. I remember watching this series once where a woman learned to live alongside all seventeen of her personalities with the help of her therapist.
Have you tried the raw food thing yet? Or are you planning to? It sounds a little suspicious to me—can something as complicated as schizophrenia really be cured that easily?

Harold Anderson3 said:Back during psychotherapy, my psychiatrist would mention figures like a powerful president to illustrate arrogance and stuff, and at the time, he really was the most influential politician in the country. I also remember a boss once telling me, "I love watches and own one, unlike that president who owns ten..." I suppose I connected all those dots in my head as some kind of mental preparation for what was coming. Looking back, though, I can't say for sure how much of what happened during my psychosis was actually linked to those things.
Regarding your religious views, I might suggest two books by the same author: *The Road Less Traveled* and its sequel, *Further Along the Road Less Traveled*. Those two books really shifted my entire perspective on religion, spirituality, and the mysticism you're describing here.

Well, I'm actually running away from spirituality and religion myself right now, but once this phase passes, I might borrow them. That's a good title, though. It reminds me of that Jesus's verse: 'Enter through the narrow gate, because wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it.' By the way, have you ever read *Schizophrenia: How to Learn to Live with the Illness*, Luderer?

Harold Anderson3 said:Don't mention it. 🙂

Why would it have to be worse, though? I agree it's different, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's "worse."
A lot of people, once they start recovering from their first psychotic episode (I'm not sure if you've gone through that yourself), try so hard to crawl back into the exact same life they had before everything hit the fan. But that's just not possible; life moves forward, and you eventually have to accept this new reality. My doctor explained it to me like this: you have Phase A before the illness, Phase B during the illness, and Phase C after it. There’s no going back to Phase A. However, Phase C doesn't have to be worse than Phase A. It doesn't even have to be better, really—it shouldn't even be compared to the old version of yourself. Tough times come and go. They come for everyone.
I'm heading to bed now; I've been awake since 6:00 AM, and I'll probably be up at 6:00 again tomorrow. :/

That whole phase thing... it kind of works, and kind of doesn't. Even with the illness and the hospital stays, I felt like I was living in "Phase A squared" for years. I spent years talking to the creator, and it was wonderful. Just years in, well, let's call it a mystical phase. Now, it's not even that we don't talk anymore; it's just that I had a change of heart and became an atheist. Total Phase Z.
So, how exactly did your doctors spend three years prepping you to oust Sanders from power?

Jose Ward4 said:Here is the real issue. All those psychiatric pills don't actually cure the cause; they just mask the symptoms. And when you look closely, almost all of them are designed that way. They aren't meant to fix the root problem; they are meant to turn you into a chronic patient who stays on them forever. These hacks in psychiatry know exactly what they're doing, and they're basically spitting in the face of the Hippocrates' oath. Even back in the 60s, one of the founding fathers of modern psychology, Carl Jung, argued that schizophrenia could be treated through psychotherapy. When I read his explanations of schizophrenia, I find myself really hoping he was right. Personally, I felt all of this before I ever stepped foot in a hospital. But hey, let's just medicate everyone so they can go out and work to make money for someone else or for the government—who actually gives a damn about health? Before I started taking antipsychotics, I wasn't even that obsessed with work; I didn't care much. But since I started the meds, I’m more focused on my job than on any social interaction. Back when I was working intense shifts, people bothered me more than the actual work did—even social contact was a nuisance—and it's all because of these pills. I wasn't like this before. And none of these doctors want to take responsibility. I mean it. Who is going to step up and take responsibility for helping someone taper off their meds and transition to psychotherapy? That's the point I'm trying to make. And one more thing: anyone who claims their medication hasn't changed them is either lying through their teeth or isn't self-aware. I'm not talking about sleep aids; I don't know enough about those. I'm talking about the antipsychotics.

It feels to me like these pills just patch a person up enough to function somewhat normally. You function, sure, but you feel kind of numb (that Zzz🙂 phase). So, why not just stop taking them? Are you just terrified of slipping back into psychosis?
As for psychotherapy, honestly, posting on a forum like this is its own form of therapy. Maybe it's even more effective than sitting in front of a psychiatrist for years, rambling about... whatever, when you could just write it out here. Why wouldn't you expect some smart advice, a solid comment, or a meaningful question from someone who's been through the exact same thing? Mind you, we're all individuals, so one piece of advice won't fit everyone. But at least I know you actually get what I'm talking about, whereas a doctor might think they know everything, but they really only know what they learned in a textbook. By the way, which Carl Jung book mentions schizophrenia? I've had mine since 2007.

Harold Anderson3 said:I have to tell you, I really appreciate your writing style.
Your true self hasn't vanished; it's just trying to adjust to a new reality.
Getting a schizophrenia diagnosis doesn't fundamentally change who you are, and neither do the medications.
I don't think it's helpful to completely withdraw from people, but I also don't think you should run away from loneliness into a crowd. There has to be a healthy balance between social time and being alone. There were many times when I was spiraling into depression and just having one person around helped pull me back out, even if we never even touched upon my depression or my struggles at all.
As for religion, God, and Jesus, I don't think we should get too caught up in those either; they are meant to be a source of support, not something that crushes our spirit.
That's why I struggle with the idea that "God left you to suffer on the cross," because even Jesus's suffering eventually reached an end—even if that end was death, we shouldn't look at it quite that way. At least, I personally refuse to accept suffering unto death as the whole purpose of living. Now I'm drifting off into philosophy on you a little bit 🙂

Thanks for the kind words about my writing! 🙂
Yeah, you hit the nail on the head. I need to get used to this new situation, and honestly, to this "new me," which feels like a much worse, fake version of myself. Regarding people... ideally, I'd escape into solitude sometimes, and then recharge by being around others—if only people weren't so exhausting. They're either complaining or bragging, and I'm just sitting there nodding along, trying to manage a "yeah, sure." My focus isn't great lately, either. Sometimes I lose the thread entirely and have no clue what they're even talking about. But hey, you go ahead and enjoy your social life!
And regarding God? Right now, He feels pretty distant to me. I picture Him as someone who's totally indifferent to all the suffering happening in the world. And yeah, suffering isn't the purpose of life, but it's everywhere, whether we like it or not. You just have to keep fighting against it, I guess, for as long as you can.

Jose Ward4 said:It’s not that. You just radiate this incredible energy and suddenly you have enough confidence to take on the world. I actually almost got into a scrap with some tough guys at my local dive bar—I was basically daring them to step up. Of course, there were three of them out front and another one waiting in the trunk of their car, so... yeah, it wasn't like some movie scene where you're just acting crazy; it was this overwhelming, unshakable self-assurance. I honestly believed I could charm any woman I met just by being in her presence. You realize something is off, you notice you aren't quite the person you used to be, but you haven't the slightest clue why.

I think "confidence" is really the magic word here. Just believing in yourself, thinking, *I can do this.* If I was able to be that fearless, high-energy version of myself—radiating all that "something special" when I was going through it—then surely I can find even a tiny bit of that unexplainable spark now that I'm feeling more stable. I just need to figure out how to get myself back there. Before, it was the illness that forced that state on me. Maybe we should all be constantly telling ourselves: I can, I will, I believe. I want to soak up every single moment. I want to see the beauty in creating things. I want to trust myself more. I want a little slice of who I used to be, and I definitely don't want to feel dull... I know I can do it if I put in the work and truly believe that my own strength and willpower can bring back "that" feeling. Maybe I should just be a little reckless on purpose? Like, let myself be a bit crazy once in a while. Who cares, anyway? I've already got the diagnosis. ☕
After repeating a thousand affirmations like *I will, I can, I believe*, maybe we'll finally be able to enjoy the beauty of nature again—to actually feel the sun, the rain, and the wind, and feel full of life, just like we did when we were truly alive. Sounds a bit cliché, doesn't it?

Harold Anderson3 said:But what exactly does that "true self" look like? I’ve come a long way since my diagnosis of schizophrenia, but I’m still nowhere near the kind of "normal" life most people my age lead. Most of my old high school classmates finished college and have already settled down and gotten married.
Knowing that those milestones are completely out of reach for me makes me incredibly unhappy.
Just as schizophrenia tore my mother's life apart, it’s doing the same to mine.
The one major difference, though, is that my mother gave birth to me, whereas I don't have any children of my own.
Sometimes—and maybe this sounds selfish—I wonder if my mother shouldn't have had a child given her illness. But then again, what would her life have been like? She probably would have ended up taking her own life.
We have to find contentment in the small things, because the "big" things just aren't an option for us. For me, that means listening to music and drinking coffee. I’ll head to the store and pick up a little something for myself. Most of the time, I’m alone here in this big city. My roommate is an alcoholic and is rarely ever home, which honestly, is fine by me; I'd much rather be alone than stuck in bad company.

My true self? I feel like I lost it or just forgot where I put it over the last few months. I imagine the "real" me isn't afraid or worried; she's full of confidence, ready to take on the world, cheerful, optimistic, always helping others, blah blah blah...🥱.It sounds like I'm describing Superman or some cosmic hero. Right now, I'm mostly just acting like I have a little bit of that positivity left, which is honestly exhausting. What I miss most is God and that feeling of gratitude for this "beautiful world He created just for me"—even if there's not much of it left for me today. I don't want to admit to anyone that there's barely any of "me" left because I hate pity, but some people see right through me (so I don't hang out with them), and lately, I've just preferred being solo. Being alone is actually getting better. I don't have to pretend. I just need to reorganize my life a bit. And while I wait to become "Me" again, I find myself imagining a parallel universe where God abandoned me for some reason, just like He left Jesus to suffer on the cross. It's all in my head, right? And isn't a world without God just chaotic, empty, and boring—especially when you're by yourself? Is it even smart to be dreaming up parallel universes when you have "F20" written all over your forehead?