Harold Anderson3 said:I honestly convinced myself that psychiatrists had spent three whole years grooming me just to take down Sanders. It was back in 2009, and in my own head, everything felt perfectly logical; I had connected all the dots flawlessly, completely ignoring the fact that I don't have any actual connection to Sanders or politics whatsoever. Eventually, the hallucinations started creeping in, and as the symptoms began to subside, they seemed to reverse order—first the hallucinations cleared up, then the emotional chaos in my mind settled down, and interestingly enough, about a year after everything stabilized, I still had this intense feeling that I was being followed until that finally faded too.
Anyway, I saw my therapist today, though she didn't seem to have much time for a deep conversation, or perhaps she just wasn't feeling it. The main thing is that I took my medication, and I've been feeling steady for four weeks now.
E: Next time, I think I'll just tell her that I'm feeling pretty listless and that I feel way older than my actual age. Does anyone else deal with something similar? Just a bit of mild depression and things like that... :/
I think I totally get that—that feeling where you feel seventy years old, like you have zero motivation and you have to force yourself through every single activity. It’s like life just hit pause. Weekdays are manageable, but on Saturdays and Sundays, I wake up thinking everything is pointless because every day feels identical. Until a few months ago, despite being hospitalized, I had a wonderful, sunny life, but now I feel like a tree that’s been ripped right out of the ground, roots and all. It’s not like I’m dying, but this depression is always lurking somewhere inside me, just waiting in the shadows. How do you move past it? I'm just waiting for the "real me" to come back. And I know I need to pull myself together, too. I need to change something in my daily routine. Find a way to let the little things actually make me happy. Maybe that’s the answer for you, too.
Robin Lopez2: "So, I actually fired a cop once 😬 He’s standing right there in front of me, asking why I'm making such a scene, so I just tip my hat and tell him, 'As of today, you don't work for the Department of Justice anymore. You're fired.' When I saw how terrified he looked, I felt bad and gave his hat back. And that was that."
Heh, honestly, did you really think you were the Secretary of Homeland Security or something? Here's the absolute dumbest thing I ever did—right before I ended up in the ER: I picked up this massive, bright pink trash bag overflowing with papers from outside some building on Fifth Avenue and hauled it over to the National Academy of Sciences. A doorman walks up, and I just tell him I've got a delivery for zvonak Kusić. What kind of delivery? Well, someone at Walmart asked me to drop off a package for an academic, so I handed him the trash bag. Poor guy looked totally frantic; he didn't know whether to take it or not, so he ended up calling someone else for help. This guy just looks at me, then at the bag, looking completely baffled. A package? This literal trash? Hm...☕
Robin Lopez2 said:There have been plenty of people who thought they were Jesus, and during my first psychotic episode, I was a "New Age Jesus" destined to die for the sake of humanity, until I realized I was actually invincible. 😬
Right now, I'm running from religion and spirituality as fast as I can, and I feel great. To me, it's all just superstition now, nothing worth mentioning—like how people think a black cat crossing your path means bad luck or how seeing a chimney sweep makes you grab your buttons.
Parts of psychosis can be incredibly beautiful while you're actually in it, but once I come out the other side, those moments seem stupid, and I feel embarrassed by what I was saying back then.
Wow, okay. So, how long were you playing Jesus before you ended up in the hospital, and how long did it take you to get back on your feet? And if it isn't too much of a secret—maybe in a private message?—how did you act while you were "Jesus"? For me, being "Jesus" was just being myself, only dialed up to eleven. I didn't think I was all-powerful; I just had way too much of everything: energy, positivity, confidence, faith in God... Also, I don't get how someone can function normally for an entire year while in a psychotic state without anyone noticing. It makes no sense to me! What counts as "just rambling nonsense" versus actual psychosis where you're acting totally unpredictable?
Robin Lopez2;70767139 said:If you’ve already been through one psychotic episode and know the drill (even if they aren't all identical—one might feel like being royalty and the next like being a secret agent, but the core concept stays the same), then you can spot the warning signs of another one coming on. You have to jump on therapy immediately. You really have to be strict with yourself the second you notice those tiny little red flags, because it comes in waves. You feel totally fine when there isn't a wave hitting, which gives you a moment to actually think.
It's a bit more complicated for me. I don't know about everyone else, but I definitely had what people call a "calling." Saving the world, obviously. At first, I didn't want to buy into it, because honestly, it sounded just as ridiculous to me as it does to anyone reading this. But then, step by step, I ended up spending an entire year convinced that I was the resurrected Jesus. Everything just seemed to line up perfectly so it felt real. I mean, like I said, at first I couldn't believe such nonsense, but then God convinces you that you're someone special. Suddenly, you're the life of the party, everyone wants to hang out with you, and you function surprisingly well for a whole year. Now, what could trigger another hospital stay now that I'm an unbeliever without a grand mission? I honestly don't know. I'll only react if my faith in God comes back. Even though, truth be told, those were some of the most beautiful times of my life. It's hard when you feel like you're in direct contact with the living God—like He's actually real, and not just some concept we humans use to build religions.
Angela Stewart6 said:Chloe Flores83, that sounds a bit like you’re trying to run an experiment on your own brain—which, honestly, can be a slippery slope! You really ought to stick to the established protocols here. I find myself circling back to my cancer analogy again—it’s just so fitting! It’s like someone deciding to skip a single round of chemotherapy because they think, "Hey, maybe I'll just feel better if I bypass this one dose." That’s just not how it works. As for sleep aids, I am right there with you. Most doctors will go to great lengths to avoid prescribing them whenever possible. I used to rely quite heavily on Sanvale myself, but my physicians were very firm about getting me off of them. To be fair, whenever I did take a Sanvale pill, I’d wake up the next day feeling... I don't know, just sluggish and totally wiped out? That sensation eventually fades with prolonged use, but it still feels like using them for too long isn't exactly the healthiest way to go about things.
You made a good point there, Angela Stewart6. I guess I am in a phase where I'm playing around with my own headspace. Not that I haven't tried this before—thinking I could spot a psychotic break coming—but it always seems to trick me or just run right over me. Usually, as soon as I see the ER entrance, I realize things have gone sideways. And by the next day, once I let go of those silly ideas and delusions, I'm usually fine again. This time, though, I'm going to try doing it without any pills. I'm just hoping I won't end up in the hospital. Unless, of course, I start putting all my faith in God again. Then, anything could happen.
Harold Anderson3 said:I sometimes get this nagging feeling that my psychosis is creeping back in if I work with my doctor to scale back my medication just a little too much. Honestly, ever since I was diagnosed with F20, I haven't completely stepped away from my treatment, yet I still find myself hitting rough patches every now and then. About a year and a half ago, for instance, I skipped my check-ups for six months while staying on a minimal dose; between having a few drinks here and there, the stress of classes at UCLA, pulling way too many overtime hours at work, and getting caught up in a fight on campus, everything just kind of boiled over and resulted in a three-week hospital stay. I’ve also noticed that whenever my life undergoes a sudden shift—like moving to a new apartment or starting a new job—my mental health takes a hit. My digestion goes haywire, I start stuttering quite badly, and sleep becomes almost impossible, which means I have to bump up my antipsychotics again. It stays that way until I finally settle into the new routine, at which point I can go back to a lower dose. I truly don't understand people who repeatedly stop taking their meds when they already know they struggle with psychosis. That's just not how my brain works.
Every schizophrenic probably thinks their hallucinations are unique. I mean, sure, I thought that too. But it really feels like mine were different. All my episodes felt like one continuous series. From the very beginning, I just followed one single idea and built upon it, thinking "with God, all things are possible," even when what I was doing made zero sense. Like, once I grabbed a pink trash bag full of papers I picked up near the National Academy of Sciences on Fifth Avenue and told the doorman that someone at Walmart asked me to hand it over to zvonak Kusić. Well, the story finally reached its end, and it was a total fiasco. I realize now that nothing from the last ten years had anything to do with God or my boundless faith—it was just my wild imagination and wrong beliefs. So, yeah, I don't believe in God anymore. Now I'm just curious about what happens next, since there's no more daydreaming or religious mysticism to trigger another breakdown. In my eyes, nothing else is going to happen. I need to find out for myself. And this time, I want to do it without the pills.
Angela Stewart6 said:Chloe Flores83, thank God I have a doctor who is truly one of the absolute best in the US! He’s been nudging me in that direction almost from the very beginning—though he takes things quite slowly—but lately, he’s started insisting on it. I am just so incredibly happy to hear that you're feeling better! Is xanax being used as an add-on for you? It makes me wonder if your doctor might be utilizing a different style of psychotherapy than mine does :nezna:
Actually, my doctor prescribed the Xanax for insomnia, and honestly, I’ve felt so much better these past three days since I started taking it (I’m even trying to make coffee dates over the weekend🙂. It feels like there’s something seriously intense about that Dormicum; it seems like all sleep meds have this weird lingering effect, at least for me.
Robin Lopez2 said:With schizophrenia, psychotherapy doesn't do squat. You just need to keep up with the antipsychotics!
I know I’m playing with fire by skipping my meds, but after being hospitalized so many times, I’m trying to figure out if I can actually spot that moment when the wires cross and everything starts spiraling. Like, can I actually sense when things are going sideways? Should I just accept that something is off and stop obsessing over every little thing before I end up back in the psych ward? Is there a way to catch it early? And what happens if these episodes keep happening? People say it messes with your cognitive skills. In what way, though? What's actually happening to my brain?
Angela Stewart6 said:Chloe Flores83, you are absolutely spot on. I honestly can't wrap my head around why it’s like this sometimes—it's just one of those things! Just the other day, I almost told my mom, "Look, there goes a jet instead of a semi-truck" 🤔. It really takes me a moment to process things, and I’ve realized that I definitely struggle when communication needs to be lightning-fast. It’s just not my speed, and since being social really demands that quick wit, I often find it much more comfortable to just stay quiet. Honestly, staying silent isn't necessarily easier, but it certainly feels more pleasant! Of course, other people—and by that, I mean doctors and professionals ☕ —tend to think I’m somehow lacking in that area.
Does your doctor actually push you to be more social? Man, I wish. My psychiatrist barely even listens to me. As soon as I start opening up about how I’m feeling, she just starts typing away on her keyboard. She doesn't stop until I've finished rambling about every little nuance and worry regarding my insomnia and low moods. She doesn't really talk much—no advice, nothing. She just swaps out my sleep meds and says, "See you at the next appointment." It’s over in ten minutes flat. Honestly, I feel like that Dormicum was just causing total chaos in my brain—everything from slurred speech to dark thoughts. I switched over to Xanax yesterday, and today has actually been one of my better days in every single way. I was even uncharacteristically chatty at work! Anyway, here's the long version... 🙄
Angela Stewart6 said:Chloe Flores83, honestly, even that counts as progress! It’s important to remember that you don't just beat cancer with a single round of chemo—it's a long road.🍿
Writing is just easier. You actually get a second to think before you speak. When I try to say things out loud, there are days when I can barely string a sentence together, let alone make a coherent point or comment. Lately, those days are happening more and more often. Honestly? I usually just choose to stay quiet instead. I can't tell if it's the Dormicum or if my schizophrenia is just messing with my synapses.
Angela Stewart6 said:A true psychosis can drag on for quite a while—I mean, a *real* one. I actually dealt with it for several months before I ended up in the hospital, and the craziest part was that I wasn't even aware of it because that state of mind felt perfectly normal to me at the time. It is such a difficult thing to wrap your head around—and frankly, I don't think it's even helpful to dwell on it too much, especially since even doctors don't always dive that deep with their patients. That said, I think it would be a mistake to define ourselves solely by our diagnosis; that just leads to more issues, specifically the whole stigma problem. Socializing is a struggle for me too, though—not really at work, but rather when I'm trying to get close to someone, despite a few exceptions here and there. Sometimes I even wonder if I'm a bit on the autism spectrum myself.
From what I can see, we all deal with some level of social dysfunction. So, given everything, what do you all think is the best way to tackle this issue effectively and meaningfully?
How do you handle it "meaningfully"? Well, here's how the pros do it: I was venting to my psychiatrist yesterday about how antisocial I am and how I just lack any motivation, and her brilliant solution? She just prescribed me Xanax.☕
Harold Anderson3 said:Seroquel really knocks you out and has a heavy sedative effect, though it usually takes about an hour to kick in after you take it. Personally, I mostly just stick to Lunesta since my main struggle is sleep rather than needing an antipsychotic. Honestly, staying in a psychiatric ward for three or four days isn't going to get you much closer to a breakthrough. My shortest hospital stay was about three weeks back about a year and a half ago, and that was strictly to get my medication levels adjusted. My longest stretch was six months, nearly nine years ago, which happened when I made the mistake of quitting my meds cold turkey—the first and last time I ever did that. I also had a six-week stay before that long one, and another two-month stint following it due to depression; at that time, I was temporarily dealing with post-schizophrenic depression, so those are all the times I've spent on psych wards.
P.s. I'm really hoping a few more people chime in, but there are only about five or six of us talking on this thread, mostly because schizophrenia is relatively rare, especially within online communities like this one.
Well, it looks like there aren't even that many of us. Actually, it's just three of us: you, me, and Angela Stewart6, plus one curious onlooker (Nicole Barrett76). And man, Harold Anderson3, how were you in the hospital for six whole months? From my perspective, where things seem to settle in a day or two, that sounds absolutely wild. I don't think I'm in a depressive state either, except maybe on weekends when I feel totally lost. When I'm at work, the day just flies by. I'm not even that social anymore, so I tend to dodge friends... though sometimes it feels like they're dodging me. Same thing, really.
regularly taking it is vital just to function normally, but let's be honest—it isn't a magic bullet. Eating right, getting enough sleep (but not too much!), staying active... all of that helps the healing process. Meds are necessary, sure, but everything else—having a job, a social life, maybe even starting a family, or just finding a hobby—that's stuff you have to build for yourself to actually get better.
Does anyone know of a schizophrenia medication that has sedative properties? Like, something that actually knocks you out immediately? After my last episode, my psychiatrist put me on Zeldox because they said it has the fewest side effects. I’m honestly willing to pull a three or four-day stint in the hospital if it means I can recover, though usually, I realize pretty quickly that I've gone down the wrong path and started spiraling again. Still, they typically keep me for about three weeks on average. I know some people end up staying for months, so I was wondering how long it usually takes you guys to bounce back after being hospitalized? I'd love to hear from others about their experiences. I'm asking because one doctor diagnosed me with these unusual psychotic episodes and insomnia, so I'm starting to wonder if it's actually schizophrenia.
Harold Anderson3 said:I’ve been through that myself. It seems like depression—whether it's mild or more intense—almost always follows schizophrenia. If those mood swings end up causing you more trouble than the psychotic symptoms themselves, then what you're looking at might not strictly be schizophrenia, but rather schizoaffective disorder (which can be depressive, manic, or mixed type). But please, try not to let the diagnosis weigh you down too much; the most important thing is really just getting your treatment dialed in, finding the right medication and the right dosage so you can actually start feeling like yourself and functioning well in your daily life.
Thanks so much for the reply... The thing is, I really struggle with staying on my meds. I basically only take them when I absolutely need to sleep because I can't drift off without something. It's been like this for 10 years now since I was first diagnosed with schizophrenia. In that time, I've ended up in the hospital 15 times, and every single time I got discharged, I'd stop taking everything. I kept thinking I could somehow spot the signs before things went south—you know, like when the religious delusions start creeping in. And truth be told, I functioned way better with the pills than without them. I did fine for a long time. I never dealt with depression back then. Not until now. I gave Zeldox a shot recently, but it just didn't work for me. Are there any meds out there that actually make you feel good? Maybe Xanax? Is this just the real face of the illness finally showing up after 10 years? And is it even possible to find a schizophrenia med that lets you function normally, like you aren't even sick, or is that just wishful thinking?
I was reading somewhere that bipolar disorder can sometimes show up during the later stages of schizophrenia. Has anyone here actually dealt with both? Honestly, I’m just not feeling it lately—I have zero desire to be social, but when I'm by myself, I just feel incredibly low. I spend my whole workday at the office pretending everything is totally fine. Could this be bipolar?
Rebecca Rivera3 said:How can my situation actually change? For a long time now, things have just been spiraling downward and I can't find a way out. It feels like I'm suffocating, like I'm gasping for air... I'm fading away. This feeling is stronger than I am; there’s nothing left to do but wait or hold onto hope. This "undershirt" has become my second skin, and I simply can't peel it off.
I really get that. It's like I'm disappearing too. Honestly, it just depends on the day. Some days I have zero motivation, so I just force myself to go through the motions on autopilot. I tell myself it'll pass—that it's just one of those awful days where nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, seems to matter. So, I don't even try to fight it. Tomorrow's a new day.
When we first found out about Dad’s diagnosis—it was actually the first time I’d ever even heard the word glioblastoma—and heard he only had maybe 9 to 14 months left, we were just completely blindsided. We spent a week without sleeping, barely eating, and honestly, just not talking to each other. Then the big question hit us: do we go through with the surgery or not? We eventually decided on the operation, partly because of some advice we read on a forum like this one. People kept saying surgery was the better path. Well, we took it, but immediately after the procedure, the left side of his body was paralyzed. He stayed that way until he passed. For the next eight months, he was immobile and totally dependent on Mom. Even now, I catch myself wondering if the surgery was the right call. Maybe he would have lived a shorter life, sure, but maybe he wouldn't have been so helpless, stuck in bed for months on end. I don't know. I didn't feel guilty when he passed away—I know he's in a better, safer place now—but I did feel a deep ache because I hadn't spent enough time with him. We lived 200 miles apart, and if I had known then how much I'd regret those missed moments, I would've jumped in the car every single weekend without a second thought. I would've spent two days just sitting there doing crosswords with him; it really cheered him up, especially since he couldn't write anymore. Today marks five years since he passed, and I just felt like I had to share this with you all. Maybe it might help someone else out there.
Angela Wright said:Everyone reacts to surgery differently. Some people deal with side effects, while others don't have any at all. You really won't know until it's over. Radiation starts about three weeks after the surgery.
So, yeah, I guess it's best not to get too far ahead of ourselves. My dad fell yesterday and hit his head pretty hard. He says he just tripped, but honestly, he’s talking perfectly fine today. Tomorrow? Who knows. It's hard to say.
Angela Wright said:Unfortunately, radiation is pretty much unavoidable if you want to slow down tumor growth. These days, radiation is super targeted, so they try to be as gentle as possible with the surrounding "healthy" tissue. Since metabolism slows down as people get older, some diseases progress more slowly too. But when it comes to tumors, that difference is honestly negligible. Doctors can make a suspected diagnosis based on general observations. However, only a pathology analysis gives the tumor its actual "name and surname." Aside from the type and location, there are all these tiny details that can completely change how treatment is handled. That said, with brain tumors, the approach is mostly the same everywhere—mostly because they're rare, still aren't studied enough, and because dealing with the brain itself carries so many specific risks. The real struggle with this disease is how aggressive it is. Even when it feels like the brain is totally "clear," one lingering cell can trigger a relapse. That’s usually how the script plays out. The main goal is just to make that interval between stages as long and high-quality as possible. And even if a relapse happens, there are new options—maybe surgery again if it's doable (either traditional or Gamma Knife), then second-line chemo, and once again, we focus on making that time last longer while looking into clinical trials for new drugs. Experts are working hard every day hoping that one day, glioblastoma will become a manageable chronic illness that people can live with.
Whew, I'm getting a little mixed up being on two different forums at once and circling back to the same questions... Well, hey, maybe it turns out to be a less dangerous tumor after all. We have a 10% chance. That's not nothing! I'm trying not to dwell on the future. Just focusing on tomorrow, or what happens after the surgery (which is scheduled for next week). Like, what should we actually expect post-op? Will Dad be disoriented? If so, for how long? Will he be in pain? Will he be mobile? Should we start any supplemental strengthening therapies right away? How long will his hospital stay be? And when does the radiation start?
Angela Wright said:Glioblastoma is a really aggressive tumor, so getting as much of it out as possible is key. It definitely helps when it comes to extending life. You can shrink the remaining part, and in some cases, if they respond well to radiation and chemo, it might even disappear completely. Sadly, we have to be upfront from the start: this is a disease where the main goal is to extend life as much as possible and make sure that life is high quality. For now, that’s pretty much all modern medicine can offer. But even so, there are people out there who beat all the statistics and live for years after the diagnosis. No matter what you read online, you've got to try to stay optimistic while keeping your feet on the ground.
I'm happy to answer any questions since I've been through it all.
Thanks for getting back to me so fast! 🙂I have so many questions, honestly, I don't even know where to begin... Is radiation absolutely necessary? I read somewhere that it kills healthy brain cells too—what does that actually mean? And is it true that tumors tend to grow slower in older patients? Also, can doctors be 90% sure it's a glioblastoma without doing a biopsy?